on line

well, this has been an interesting day.  the best part of it is right now, before i go to bed.  reflecting, seeing what has come and what has gone, and what may come tomorrow.  i am glad to be alive at this moment.  that is a picture of a wire tree my friend Rebecca sent me.  it's very beautiful.

i got up at 5 and said my prayer and slowly got dressed for the gym.  i was groggy but i felt i wasn't going to not go to the gym.  i had a cup of coffee and got out the door.  i did some weights and some treadmill and came back home.  i saw Syd out the door and had breakfast after i took my meds and insulin.  blood sugar was higher again today, 221.  i don't know what the deal is with that, but i'm adjusting the insulin so i can bring it back down to where it needs to be.  plus, i need to be far more active and take in far fewer carbs.

i talked to Rachel and went to pick her up.  we went to Goodwill and i picked up a practically brand-new Big Book and a copy of Animal Farm, as well as an old CompCare book on the 12 steps for everyone that i'm going to give to a guy i used to sponsor on sunday.  we came back here, i fed Rachel and myself and we talked a bit but mostly i worked on some cleaning, and got my new desktop installed.  YAY!

i took her home to change about 4 and took her to put in an application and then i came home.  i finished the living room, well, i'm going to vacuum before i go to bed.  i put in two apps for Recovery Coach at a new facility in youngstown.  it's time for me to get back into the world.  this is going to be a very rough month financially, and it doesn't look better heading into the end of the year.  but i trust Jehovah and his work through me that things are going to be okay.  i just have to keep doing the right things, keep moving forward and not give in to my own negativity and doubt.  and i can do that today.

Rachel told me she talked to her counselor about me saying that, as she interpreted it, it doesn't matter if she sees in her what i see in her, that all that matters is that i see it in her.  her counselor told her it was good that she didn't agree with that.  but that's not what i said.  Rachel had talked about how it was so strange that i saw so much in her that she didn't see in herself, and i said it didn't matter, i still saw so many good things in her.  i meant that it didn't matter that it was strange to her, but i am disturbed by her counselor.  the perspective was, if only my belief in her counts then my belief is something that is required for her to be okay.  now, there is about four degrees of right in that, but about 356 degrees of wrong.  and i explained to Rachel that when i was new in recovery, people had to 'love me until i learned to love myself' that my sponsor and some other good people saw the good, the intelligence and the skills that i didn't subscribe to in myself, but their belief, shown through action, and their support helped me learn to value myself and look for the good in myself.  and i can't believe, as that is common sense application, that her counselor would take a dependency tack on that.  Rachel has an entire person that sits quietly, in reserve, casting aspersions about herself.  why would someone cut a line that is being held out to her?  i guess maybe i don't understand as much as i wish i did.  anyway, i keep her in my prayers, and i'm going to sleep.  Thank you, Father, for every blessing today.