back on earth

...by my counselor's reckoning (sounds accurate), yesterday marked a year in orbit for me.  a year of trying to consistently work toward seeing me more clearly, changing some things that need changing and growing as a person, a spirit and a man.  i am going to be looking back through this last year for the next few days, seeing where i've been and where i've come to, so that i can get a sense of where i need to go.  to whomever has actually come this far with me on this journey, i thank you from the depth of my being.

in recovery, in 12 step recovery anyway, the last three steps are called 'maintenance steps'.  so that no one who is a practitioner of the 12 steps believe that the work is 'done' when they reach a certain point, two of these three steps encompass much of the activity of the prior 9.  step 10, specifically for this purpose, states, "Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it".  this has no great meaning, perhaps, to the 'real' world, but for us, it means that no housecleaning (steps 4,5,8 and 9) means anything if the condition is not maintained.  no different than one's home.  you clean thoroughly, and then you tidy regularly.  it doesn't make us perfect people, but it makes our minds, our habits and our lives...neater.

i can say, despite the things that i am enduring, my life is neater than it was a year ago.  i can say that much without hesitation.

yesterday i got up, got breakfast, got Syd out the door.  i went to my nephrologist, who told me i just need to be more physically active and to stop worrying about weight.  i went to counseling, and had a good session.  i came home briefly, personal biz, then went to see Rachel.  i was planning for today, and she ended up coming by to do an app online.  i fed her, we talked and she is in rough space.  i took it personal that she's back in her 'i need to work on me' mode, i imagine mostly because when she hits a place where she feels she needs to tidy her life, she jettisons me (mentally) but not the things that she repetitively does to keep from looking at her.  however, and this is important, that previous statement is how i FELT.  what i can SEE, in reflection (step 10), is that she seems to feel she is holding me hostage to her way of feeling and being, and that she is trying to create distance so she doesn't harm me.  so, i am going to respect that.  that is what my role is in this.

Deja came in, very late, said he fell asleep.  we talked, not in depth but in detail about the fucked up way he just bailed.  he's been going through a lot, but that is an established fact already.  people, self included at times, think that the key is to burrow deep, lick wounds and get shit together and then emerge and explain so those who worried themselves sick will say "Hey, cool!  you're perfect again, let's go to the disco!" or some other such irrational twattle. truth is, if one is going through shit, best thing to do is either decide to just allow people to know that you are going through shit, or put in the work afterward to pick up the pieces of what you destroyed in your self interest, because it is work.  it's not just casual '20 questions' and everything is better.  i know that from my own life.

today i'm debating on a Heather visit, as i want to get this fish and food out to Johnnie and Nancy.  i have prayed, and i'm about to go fix coffee.  things to do today.  goals to set.  that's how the next real orbit is going to begin.  time to travel.  thank you, Father.