visiting day, part two

well, it's saturday.  i don't know how i missed yesterday, but i did.  it wasn't a bad day, it was a pretty good day actually.  from counseling, which i felt was productive and helped me get some thoughts in a linear placement, to Rachel's visit in the afternoon, which was unexpected and pleasant except for her headache.  but i didn't write, and i am writing now to put a bookmark in my day so i make sure i catch up tonight.

today is 'visit Heather in the county jail' day.  i received a call saying i was on the list, so i'm going.  i have only support in recovery to offer, but that issue is coming up quite a bit lately and i am trying to be a recovering addict as i'm supposed to be, as i was taught to be.  i'll do a full rundown later, once i get myself back here and settled.  but for now, that's the haps, other than a new ad i just finished editing that Rachel did the filming for yesterday night.

...continued...

well, the visit went okay, i suppose.  the visiting area of the youngstown jail is a dismal, ugly and hopeless place.  it is foul, there is a smell that combines sickness and sorrow, it's an underneath smell but its always there.  there's rust and water damage from poor plumbing, i imagine.  i sat in water in my chair during my visit.  the lockers when you have to keep your keys and valuables are all broken, well, most of them anyway.  but the saddest part of it to me, sadder even than Heather looking very much at home behind safety glass and in orange jail clothes, were the friends and family for whom the visit is completely normal. they congregate outside the jail and they talk to the people inside who look down upon them.  they come as if it is an event, as if it is just one more scene from one more movie that someone has to be filming.  the lingerers are all black, or poor poor white.  but who else would be coming so often they are a part of the ritual?  men, women and children.  i'm surprised people don't have parking lot parties outside the jail.  though i'm sure it would be some kind of illegal, it is the atmosphere when you walk out from visiting.

a guy gave me a quarter because i forgot about the pay to lock up non-lethal item thing.  i went to see Heather.  she cried, i didn't.  she said she had fractured her skull somewhere along the way.  i'm fairly certain its from the last time i heard from her, when she was supposed to have been in a car accident.  she is missing teeth on the left side.  she looks like someone has broken her, but i don't subscribe much to that reality.  i reiterated the same things to her:  i will visit to help her with her sobriety, i will support that, but i have to come to term with any friendship down the line.  i forgive her, i've let her off the hook, but i don't trust her right now.  and that i want her to get an AA big book, to start reading and identifying, to start writing on her life insanity so we can take a look at step 2.  she's going to be in til november, and then she goes to a treatment center.  but that's like saying she's going to go from the refrigerator into a marinade to season until she uses again.  and i am praying that I can help her find real recovery before they get their hooks into her spirit.  i told her to start going to the AA meeting there.  she said she would, we'll see.

funny thing is, she's the second person i had that conversation with.  the first one was miss SL, from the recovery coach classes.  she's been all fucked up, has consequences and is trying to get her shit together.  i am making suggestions to her as well, but i know i have to be mindful right now.  addicts are sneaky, we keep our own agenda and honesty does not come easy or last long with us.  so i hope they both follow some simple directions and take some appropriate action.

that's it for me for now.  i'm grateful to my Father in heaven for this day, and i'll be moving toward some better action myself.