it's been a chore, these last couple of days. i don't mean that it's been particularly rough, as it has not. i mean, my mood, my emotional level, my mental state, has been one of exhaustion, and i'm not sure why. i think maybe my mom's mini stroke (she's doing fine now, thank Jehovah) has brought some of my trepidation back to the surface. and it's hard to look at those things. it's hard to acknowledge that there is such a wellspring of sadness down in the void of my being. but it's there. it's been there all along, i can see that now, and it robs me of reasonable thought and meaningful reflection. it robs me of action. but i'm a pretty good thief myself, when the need arises.
yesterday i went to my meeting, though i still hadn't gotten to the gym. it was a good meeting, good enough. i found some peace in being there, some serenity that isn't usually present when i'm dealing with 'recovering' people lately. but it was there, and i didn't feel angry or hostile. i had lunch with Lonnie afterward, and we talked about some things going on in both our lives, always a pleasure. before i left i had put a chicken in the crock pot, with a butter/olive oil/seasoning rub, and when i got home i made green beans and used stove top stuffing mix in the drippings to make crock pot dressing. then i went to visit Rachel, which I considered doing today but i'm not. i talked with her for a bit, she is down, as i knew, and feeling bad about where her life is, as i knew. but i hung out, drank coffee and water, and just enjoyed being around her. i told her i'd like to hang with her Saturday, and i'll likely slide by after counseling tomorrow just to see if she's good on that possibility. anyway, i came home, had dinner, and after some tossing and turning i went to sleep.
i got up this morning and prayed but fell back asleep. again, no energy, no motivation. i finally got up, listed my meds in my phone to take to my doctor's appointment, had breakfast and meds, and fixed my mom a plate from the leftovers. i took it around to her before i went to the doctor. my numbers were good from my labwork, i got refills that will be called in and a new injectable that should help with the weight if it doesn't kill me first. i went then to mickey d's to eat something and to Sparkles in warren to get some catfish. i told my sponsor i'd bring he and his wife some fish and things on saturday, which is part of what i would like Rachel to hang out with me for. i'd like the woman in my heart to meet my benefactor. that would make a complete circle for me. Syd had texted me earlier in the day and asked if she could make breakfast for dinner today and i told her sure. so i also got eggs and syrup (sugar-free for me) and pancake mix. i came home, put the rest of the leftovers away, washed the dishes, watched a movie and decided to journal before i decide about cutting the grass. i think i'm going to do the back this evening. it has to be done, i need more activity and it ain't gonna do itself. i have nothing else planned and will not speak on the gym as i don't know what's going to happen in the morning. but i am blessed up to this point, and that's the best thing in the world right now.
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