contemplative...

when a day is surprisingly humid, and you have things you have to get done, you move carefully.  especially if you are miserable trying to sleep the night before and have no desire to die any faster than you have to.

i was without relief for most of the night.  my room was a fury of heat, made worse by the break in the humidity of last week.  and though i predicted the heatwave was not done with us, i was not prepared.  i was miserable, in short.  eventually, i had to open my door and position my fan in the cracked doorway to bring cooler air in.  at some point after that, i got a savage leg cramp, in my right calf, that destroyed another segment of sleep.  a drink of milk eased it up (i still don't know that alchemy, but it does work most of the time) and by that point it was almost time to get up.  so my ass was on the ground today.  but i got up, prayed, saw Syd off to school, took meds, insulin and i had breakfast.  omelet and grits.  i decided the grass would be cut.  they'd predicted rain tuesday and thursday, and with the burgeoning heat i figured we'd get it today, but it looked like a later in the day thing.  so i went to get gas in the car and the can, and i came home, got the house closed up and the air back on and i cut the grass.  it took me about an hour and a half, and i took as many breaks as i had to, which were not counted because it was often.  because the heat was bearing down on me as i cut the back, and i try to do the worst first so i can have an easier cut to finish.  but i got it done, and i was worn out, dehydrated and trembling.  i guess it was a good exchange for a morning walk, though it would have been cooler had i just gone walking.

anyway, i laid about, tried to get a grip on when i'd be picking my dad up tomorrow, which was all happening through my mom, and i had lunch, taco salad, and a piece of peanut butter pie.  i took a bath after, and i laid down for a bit again.  Syd came in from school, got the trash taken out to the curb, and went on her way as she has no school tomorrow.  i had talked to Rachel in the morning, but she's using her daughter's phone and i know i won't hear from her this evening.  i had leftovers from monday for dinner tonight, chicken and ribs, and cabbage and mac and cheese.  i had graham crackers and orange slices for dessert.  i'm going to take my last dose of insulin and medicine and then i'm done for the day.

my dad has a ride home tomorrow, so i don't have to worry about him.  i am hoping Rachel calls in the morning, as i would like to get her here for a visit.  i talked to Lonnie briefly, but he was not available most of the day and i worry about him still.  i've not made a decision on how to proceed on the publishing yet, as some prayer is required and the actions must be decisive, well thought out and precise.  i feel okay now, have coffee ready to go, am looking forward to counseling and need to get some credit card bills paid and some paperwork filled out and mailed off.

i have been thinking about the artifice of the world now.  everything is designed for a desired affect to be produced by what a person sees or hears or experiences physically.  the longer i'm alive, the more obvious the programming becomes.  i think, what i need to figure out, is how to utilize this to my advantage when it comes to getting my business started.  i can't think of anything else that it has a value for.  but blindness being a condition people accept and willfully indulge in is frightening.  and maybe the scariest part of it is remembering when i was willfully blind, and how easy it was to remain so.  ignorance may not be real bliss, but the placebo effect it produces is one hell of a drug.  i am grateful for the un-blindness.  i am grateful for the stamina to cut my grass.  the days are coming where that won't be the case.  should tomorrow come, we'll deal with what comes with it.