preparation

this has been a good day, and i am grateful for that.  it was a needed day, without incident, without alarm.

i got up slow, said my prayers and got it started again.  i had already decided i wasn't going to the meeting and i did not.  i had breakfast, took my meds and things and got started on my prep work for tomorrow.  i got macaroni cooked, got eggs boiled and potatoes boiled, put together my potato salad and got started on my green beans.  i had gone to the post office, because i had a letter to mail, but i had forgotten once again that you can no longer buy a single stamp from a dispenser at the post office on a weekend.  more on the letter later.

i saw my brother, went to visit my parents, sat with them both and talked for a while, and came home to get back to prep.  i'd started green beans but turned them off to go see my parents.  Rachel's phone was off, and i hadn't really figured on speaking to her until later but she called from her daughter's phone while i was visiting my parents.  i told her i was going to stop by when i left my parents and she asked if i could come about an  hour later than i'd said, which was fine.  i went home, turned on the green beans again and she called and said i could come then if i wanted to.  so i turned them off again and went to pick her up.  i took the keyboard i'd just gotten for her youngest daughter as it is not what i need it to be and i'd rather someone have it who can use and benefit from it.

i picked up Rachel and we hung out.  she helped me with the peanut butter pies and she made the crumble topping for the apple pies.  we had LJS for dinner as i hadn't been expecting company and didn't have anything to cook for her ready.  then we watched a movie, played with her virtual reality viewer for her phone and i took her home.  i just got back in, have run my bath, checked the mac and cheese in the crock pot (7 cheeses, damn...) and am ready to shut down.  i've cleaned the grill, i've got a clog in my kitchen sink i'm going to deal with in the morning.  i am going to get up early, get my cabbage done, get my grill heated and cook my ribs and chicken and make my sauce before i go pick up Rachel at one and we eat at three.  it should be a good time, relaxing and cool.  i don't know if Lonnie and company will come by, but they do know they are welcome.

the letter... again, the title has a lot to do with more than the initial recitation.  I went to see Heather yesterday.  i had prayed, i'd let it run through my mind and i followed through on my decision.  i'd never written her back to confirm it as she had said she hoped to see me saturday and gave me a time and i'd assumed i was on her list.  i was not.  i got there about a quarter to three, told the guard who i was there to see and what my name was and he didn't have me so i turned around and came back home and got back to work.  i decided i would write her a letter since i hadn't gotten to see her.  i told her that i forgive her and that she was off the hook as far as i was concerned.  i also told her that i didn't really feel she was my friend.  i explained that i didn't trust her to have my best interest at heart, as she didn't even have her own best interest at heart.  i told her i could try to help her with recovery, if that is what she wanted and if she was doing the meetings that they have at the city jail.  but that was all i was able to do.  i was clear, i didn't speak of friendship or love.  and i told her i'd come again this saturday and if i couldn't get in i would assume she didn't want me to see her.  it is all i can do.  i feel it was the answer to a prayer.  if i was supposed to see her, i would have been on the list to do so.  i wrote her because she wrote me.  i am not a cure, nor am i the solution, but i have experience that may help her if she wants to recover.  it is what the 12th step is about.  i am grateful for the day, grateful for its contents and i am going to take my bath and shave and get ready to crash.  got a few things to finish yet.