the useless struggle...

hard to know what to think of this world, sometimes.  it seems that i can write about the insanity, i can talk about the insanity, i can fight and scream about the insanity, but it remains, it prospers and grows and just keep eating up more and more of the sensible things that i thought i understood, and i guess eventually the purpose is that there should be no more sane things, no more sensible things, just insanity.  i don't know if i can really live in a world like that.

yesterday, i did nothing.  there was nothing worth blogging about.  i took my sister to the airport.  i ate three meals.  i laid around.  i watched some tv, some videos on my chrome book.  i called my mom twice, but i didn't go to visit her.  talked to my brother for a bit when he stopped by.  i finished the Last Recovering Man, worked on my computer and tried to just chill.  and that was the day.  didn't hear from Rachel, to my chagrin.

today, though, was different.  today i got up, got it started slowly.  again, the lethargy has a grip on me, i didn't hit the gym.  my alternate plan was to go to my sponsors after i went to see my mother and then go to Mill Creek to walk some paths.  get in a little nature before the cold sets in.  to that effect, i wore my old Reeboks which are essentially my utility shoes.  i cut grass in them, wear them to the gym.  i went to see my mom and all my plans went awry.  not her fault, not my dad's fault, not even my own.  or less so, anyway.

they had discharged my mother with no notification.  they were in the process  of getting her out of the hospital, and not into Park Vista for physical rehabilitation as had been stated.  i didn't have a problem with that so much as the lack of communication.  i knew my dad would blow a gasket over it, but i had to summon him, as i am not enforced to make decisions for my mother.

several versions of what had transpired, different takes on one single fact.  double speak, condescension, the whole nine and a half yards of mendacity and bullshit.  i was at the hospital from 830 until about 330 or so.  and in the end, my mother was sent home.  and i am tired and angry, because no one has any ability to simply acknowledge that they fucked up.

the blessing, of course, is that my mom is probably fine.  she seemed in good spirits before the nonsense, she looks better, she sounds much like herself.  but they didn't inform her of any test results.  they gave her no indication that they were just pushing her out.  my mom was upset, my dad was furious and i was and am mentally exhausted.

i guess it could be worse.  the woman in the next bed was ninety plus years old and had no one to look out for her at all.  but she was probably an old racist, from my mom's description, so there's that.  i'm going to nap, figure things out for tomorrow.  thank you, Father, for looking after my mom.