i'm up, in my normal time zone. i am sleepy as i didn't get to sleep until around midnight, for an interesting reason that i'll get to soon enough. i feel good though, with some worries that I'll be addressing fairly soon.
yesterday, i didn't write, because the night was full and the day was without a break of significant reset proportion (nap) and i realized it this morning so i'm going to play catch-up.
i got up on wednesday morning with prayer. i got to the gym and worked the machines. i truly need to get back to walking, need some aerobic stuff in my life. i got a call from Syd while at the gym that she was still not feeling well. i finished my workout a bit earlier than planned and went to the store to get stuff for Syd, meds and chicken soup stuff.
i got home, got some medicine into her, got some breakfast into me, a frittata, and i sort of eased through my day. I told Joe i wanted the grass cut if he was going to hang out here all day. i actually did not want him hanging out here all day, but at the same time i didn't want to cut the grass. it was sort of lose/lose with the rain, sorry to admit.
i got my shit together and left for the meeting about 11am. i set up, the secretary made it today, which was cool, and i'm pretty sure he's going to decide he needs to step down. in his case, i completely understand. he's an older man, likely in his seventies, HIV, diabetes and some other illnesses, and he's not doing as well as he'd like to be health-wise. but he is still stand-up as so many others, so many younger individuals have found themselves unable to be. it makes one think.
i left the meeting and came home to start my dinner and get ready for the evening. i got my stuff done, took a shower, got dressed and went to pick up Rachel about 545 to go see W Kamau Bell.
It was nice to have time with Rachel, and we hung out, talked a bit, caught Bell's 'lecture' which was more like a light version of his comedy routine, and we came back here and had dinner. i took her home, talked to Lonnie until i got back home and then i talked to Syd for a good while about her concerns with Heather being in communication with me until i had to go to sleep, as i have to collect my baby sister from the airport this day.
I have no desire for Heather at all. it's one of those things, and i guess maybe it's not cool but it is cool. i don't know if i ever really did, to be honest. when i met Heather I was eleven years younger and going through some horrendous changes mentally and emotionally. I was fucking around with her and two other women i worked with, because i was compensating for the failure that i felt like pretty much 24/7. but i didn't get deep into that with Heather because she was so young (18 at that time) and because she wasn't able to grasp the concept of not falling in love with me. when she would re-enter my life, i'd help her out, i'd accept her affection and return it to a degree, but it was still in the drifting way i had emotionally. i was unconnected from everyone, felt all women were crazy and didn't want to allow anyone to have full access to my heart. in the prison situation, Heather says she left because she felt herself about to use again and didn't want to hurt me. i do believe she has convinced herself of this, and addicts are wonderful actors. but i am a recovering addict, active in a 12 step life, and Heather has known that since we met. she knew from the start that if she was having issues, i would be able and willing to help her. so, if she knows enough or feels enough or remembers enough to reach out to me now, then she knew enough two years ago, because it's the same information she's pulling from now. but i'm not condemning her for that, and that's what i tried to convey to Sydney.
i've done my wrongs, in and out of recovery. i've hurt people being stone sober and knowing my actions were wrong. i was a younger man when i did those things, but karma doesn't have a timer attached to it. as i want forgiveness, i have to forgive. as i am losing friends because i am more demanding of people having my best interest at heart, i have to accept that i have to be a friend even to people who may not know how to have a healthy friendship. because, what would a person think, knowing that i profess i'm a 'recovering addict through the twelve steps', if my thing is to say, 'FUCK YOU and i hope you rot in jail', because they did to me what dopefiends do all the time? would that reflect well on the principles of the program i practice? nothing in God's universe happens by accident, and there is a purpose to Heather being where she is and contacting me. i won't know what that reason is unless i deal with it. but for certain, there is no interest in physicality with her, there is no desire to cohabit with her and there is no divot of love that i can fall into with her. reading is fundamental, it doesn't all happen with books, and learning is absolutely mandatory if one is to grow up.
okay, that's enough to start the day. i've prayed, had one cup of coffee and am thinking of laying back down for a bit. thank you, Jehovah, for breath to start the day.
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