smooth

the day was very good.  i slept amazingly, and i woke refreshed.  i had put on an 8 hour nature sound video on youtube which i use to meditate and do deep breathing to, to help me sleep.  hasn't been working much, but bringing order back to my space seemed to do the trick, and i slept like a baby.  i got up with prayer, and i made coffee and had breakfast after insulin and meds.  i debated on going to the kingdom hall, but i decided to chill, and perhaps head to the meeting.  i saw my brother, talked to him for a little while, and then my dad came by.  i spoke to him for a bit, and i went to my meeting.  it was a good meeting, people talked, there was laughter, it's always good to be in a room of good spirit.  i left and went to see my sponsor.  his wife had posted the need for prayer, as his lungs aren't doing very well.  i visited there for a few hours.  they are wearing away at each other, but i guess that's what you do when you're a nurse and the person you love is more a patient than anything else.  i wouldn't trade places, i know that much.  but God puts in our lives what we need, and i can't think of anyone who could look after him better than her.

i came back to youngstown and went to see my dad.  he needed to know what was wrong with his television.  i got it straight, went to walmart to get a side of salmon for dinner.  my mom stopped by with my dad for a minute and i've been here cooking and thinking.  i called a friend to tell him how my sponsor is doing.  i ignored two calls, but i did call one back and I'll call the other when my food is done.  i am in anticipation about the results of my kindle scout campaign, but i'm not getting my hopes up high.  God has his hands around the situation, it will be what it will be.

i texted R three times today.  i'm in a space, which is good, that i know sometimes you just need to know someone is reaching in.  i'm sure others are as well, but i know for a fact that i am, and whatever difference that makes, or if it makes no difference, it is my action and i'm okay with it.  i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, i have some calls to make and i have to make sure i remain grateful and in the process of growth and change.  that's the deal.  i'm done, i'm hungry as hell, and i can't wait for sleep to overtake me tonight.  oh, yes, the gym.  that too, tomorrow.  thank you, Father, good night.

different eyes

I'm starting this entry early on a Saturday morning, because I didn't write yesterday.  I mean, at all, I didn't work on Lazarus, I didn't work on the journal, i'm not even sure if i wrote any poetry.  I was feeling bad almost from go, and i allowed it to sweep me up and try to drown me.  I almost drowned in my own emotions.  i've let myself slip, is the point, and I can see it now, by the grace of my Father and the benefits of actually journaling as regularly as i can.

case in point, it's time for me to get back to the basics i was at when i started this process.  and to do that, i have to accept discipline.  GENUINE discipline.  holding myself to a standard and ethic and not allowing myself to be shaken so easily from that.  because, an emotional onslaught such as this is my dis-ease trying to kill me.  it will use anything that is in my own dossier against me, and emotions have always been its most powerful weapon.  and all this mooning over R and the situation between us left me so open and weakened that it was an easy thing to sail me into a tumultuous sea.  but, thank you VF, thank you to my earth-dad, thank you for years of recovery and scriptural and spiritual knowledge and experience, because i see it at this point, for what i believe it is, and i have the tools on hand to fight with.  one of the promises in the Big Book of AA having to do with the process of making amends is 'we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us'.  i believe that is due to actually garnering a significant amount of experience from previous situations to bring to bear on a present situation.  i didn't stop.  i slowed considerably, but i didn't stop.  i continued to move, i continued to work on the book, i continued to believe.  i still do.  i sent R a text today.  it may not be answered, but it is me reaching in.  how bad does one feel when one can't reach out?  it's a lousy feeling.  it's a lousier feeling when no one is reaching in to you.  so, perhaps she won't respond, but my text was a response to what is in me, not a reaction to what is outside of me.  i remember an early bible lesson, says how Satan cannot read your heart as Jehovah can, but he does all he can to influence your heart and mind.  that garners reactions, and reactions create reactions.  dominoes fall, but only one domino is an action, only the first one requires the action of being knocked over.  and even that first one reacts.  even the ones behind them have been set up to fall, to react in ways that are not in their best interest.  so, to respond.  to be the domino that can get the hell out of the way, so to speak.  it is a valuable lesson.

today i'm going to clean.  my home is not filthy, but it is cluttered, as my thoughts.  reaction.  i am going to bring order to my thoughts.  i am going to bring order to my home.  and i am going to do what i need to do to be there for myself.  and, by proxy, if i'm there for me i'm there for whomever else may come along.  and this is what's important to me right now.

i woke up and was groggy because i haven't been sleeping well.  (our program of recovery has wisdoms as well as suggested instructions.  one of our wisdoms is that a person shouldn't let themselves get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, and if one of those things is out of whack it normally puts the others in a precarious position.  they're warning signs)  i got up yesterday and did not go to the gym.  i was reacting.  i did go to counseling but i wasn't really very open because i allowed myself to be hurt far worse than i should have been.  after that, i came back home.  i ended up going to lunch with Lonnie, which was cool.  i went to my dad's thing for his organization and that, while not my cup of tea, was outside of the comfort zone, but i wasn't uncomfortable.  it was a nice affair, i suppose.  they had a jazz trio playing and i realized i wished R was there, and I think that started some of the loosening of the emotional vise grip my heart had been in.  R would have enjoyed it, but i had no way of getting her there.  and that meant that she's moved away, not that i've done anything.  if one does nothing to push one away, one cannot do anything to pull one back.  those decisions have to be made because of a change desired.  so i got my dad home, came home myself and had something to eat a bit more substantial and i went to bed.

i got up this morning, another rough night, and i prayed and i started cleaning my bathroom, which is done before 8 in the am.  i am writing in this while i'm sipping coffee that i made while i was cleaning.  soon i'll check sugar, take insulin and medicines, and i'll have an omelet and toast for breakfast.  but first, i'm going to start on my bedroom.  i have to be good to me.  if i'm not good to me, there's no reason to expect better from anyone else.  i don't know what the day will bring, but i know who brought me to this day so there is purpose and direction.  i just have to find it and follow it when it comes.

not as much left to tell as i thought there might be.  i finished cleaning the crib, went for lunch but cooked dinner, i did some more proofing of Lazarus and sent another text to R.  i've been pretty much just hanging back, and that's okay.  i took a bath.  read a bit.  watched some television.  there is not much else to do so i didn't do much else.  and i'm okay with that.  I don't know if i'll hear back from R, but i responded to what my feeling about the situation was, and i am cool with that too.  i'm about done with this day, going to read and sleep.  i have a feeling my sleep will be better tonight.  that's my prayer anyway.

wise cookies

today was pretty good.  i sum it up simply so i can see it for what it was.  moments were wonderful, and others were pretty blase, but all in all, i would call it a good day.

i got up with prayer and coffee, and i felt the hesitation about going to the gym but i got dressed for the gym and just took my time getting there.  i went around seven and talked to a woman who i discovered was my cousin, my dad's first cousin on his father's side.  my grandfather's niece.  i remember her by name, but not by event, but it was still a pleasant surprise.  i went to do the treadmill since my machine was vacant and talked to my friend J, who was on the one next to me finishing up her exercise.  it was the first time i've actually had a conversation with someone during working out.  that is more eventful for me that it might be for others.

i came home and checked my sugar and took meds and insulin and TP called.  i mostly listened but we talked quite a while.  i'd printed off my lawyer information and was going to print out my paperwork for renewing my gym membership but i ran out of ink, so i took a letter to the membership lady, rather i left it for her at the front desk, and she called me back and we rescheduled.  i mailed the letter to jfs rather than delivering it, because TP was talking for quite some time and i had an envelope that required no stamp with the caseworker's name on it.  i went to burger king for breakfast, which wasn't good but it is now history.  i did some proofreading on the new book, and i made some calls.  checked some emails.  i did get an email back from the funeral home, and that is a call for an appointment i'm going to make tomorrow.

i went to lunch with Lonnie because he's been going through so much.  i also heard from my mother that my father fell down the stairs yesterday, but wouldn't go to the hospital.  some things are signs of other things that are really happening.  i trust my intuition when i can extrapolate from all the data i have peripheral to a situation and an individual is not going to tell me the facts, which only they could have.  my father's father died after falling in the bathtub.  he just buried his sister at the beginning of the year.  so i'm thinking he's really not wanting to be anything other than okay right now.  plus, he's got some kind of banquet deal with his group tomorrow, and i don't think he wants to miss that either.  anyway, lunch with Lonnie, and then i came home and sort of just hung out.  Syd was hanging with her other and i was feeling a bit thoughtful about the deal with R.  i wish i were the sort of person who did not trust my intuition as mentioned above, but i am.  i believe she's just not wanting to deal with me right now.  i go through this a lot.  but i am trying to remain above the depression line, because it took a lot for me to open my heart up again, and it took an awful lot to keep it open when i went through the bullshit with heather.  so, if i close it up, it's going to stay that way for quite some time.  i'm pretty sure of that.  and that time is coming, but until it's here, i want to remain as much a part of my own solution as is possible.

gym tomorrow.  counseling tomorrow.  gonna start cleaning tomorrow.  going to find out how the campaign wrapped up tomorrow, i'm pretty sure.  would be nice if that 'good news' was in the mail as the fortune cookie said earlier this month.  but, what the fuck does a cookie know?  Thank you, Father.

distant star

there's a light that shines, and sometimes it's so dim that it seems like a star in a very black night, like something might be there but it could just be my eyes playing tricks on me.  but looking long enough and close enough, and it becomes apparent that it is a star, and that is shines on the course i've plotted.  i remember what it's about now, and i think i'm on track.
i chilled today.  i didn't go to the gym, and i didn't go to my meeting.  i stayed home.  i said my prayers, i got Syd to her bus, i went to the store to pick up what i wanted to cook for dinner.  i moved some things around and put some of the detritus away that i created looking for the papers for JFS.  i ate responsibly.  my sugar was good.  i took my meds.  i did some proof reading.  i contacted a funeral home (through email anyway) asking for someone to get in touch with me about natural burial information.  i got the information that i needed from my lawyer and i'll take it to JFS on friday.  i have to go to see a good woman tomorrow to get my JCC membership renewed.  i called my parent's house but got no answer.  i didn't hear from R.  i haven't heard from TF and have stopped calling her.  i feel the weight of absence, but i am not prepared to give in to it.  i can't help what anyone else does, and i've never been able to.  i can help what i choose to do.  i can be responsive and not reactionary.  i can accept that if a thing doesn't presently exist, it is not meant to at this time.  and what is in front of me needs to be dealt with.  these are my current realities, and i am going to stay on point with them.
i know it's been rough.  my mind is still in first gear.  but first gear is just moving slow, it's not stopped.  and there are many things that can get done slowly.  so, enough of the comforter-sized blues.  it's time to move it along, and i am grateful to God for allowing me to start doing that again.  tomorrow will bring something different, and if i keep dwelling on what's missing today, i'm certain to miss what's going to be bright and sunshiny tomorrow.  that's cheesy, but i think it makes the point.  good night

lack discipline

it's strange how days become sort of okay and sort of not okay.  i'm off balance, and i'm trying to get back on, but my head is in different space right now, and I don't know how to get it centered yet.  the important thing, i believe, it to not stop.  to keep moving, and eventually i'll see a landmark or a street sign and know i'm back on the right track.

for starters, my sugar is higher than its been, because my eating is not what it should be. speaking of something over and over is a good sign that nothing is being done to change it, but that's where it's at right now.  it's not out of control, but it should require nothing more than the low-end injections, exercise and eating properly.  but i've had carbs all day, and i know that i'm not doing enough physically to justify that intake.  i have to start logging again, there is no 'just go back to eating right' for a food fiend, and i already know that.

i got a call in to my lawyer and asked for the payment paperwork.  they said they'd email it to me, but that hasn't happened yet, so i'm going to call again tomorrow.  it's better there, because i've done something, but it's still the feeling that the applecart is going to be knocked over for no other reason except that it exists, and that is a daunting and tiresome thought to keep in my head 24-7.

i got more of the paperwork cleared up and out, and i need a place to burn this shit.  shredding would be just as long a process as sorting and storing it, whereas burning it would make it disappear right now.  but i don't have anywhere to burn anymore.  my grandparents had a trash barrel in back of their house, by the garage.  one of the big joys was being old enough, finally, to take the trash out back, with matches, and put the trash in and light it up.  funny, the things you forget in time.  i remember in our own backyard, we had one of those brick fire pits, that were used for the same thing, but i fixed it up and installed some racks and began using it as a grill.  industrious when it came to things i wanted to do, like my offspring.

i'll get some more done tomorrow, going to the gym, maybe my meeting.  i've heard nothing more from my mother about my brother, and i'm not going to hunt for information either.  when someone tells me, i 'll know.  until then, i know he's alive, and that will have to do for now.

check-out time

six twenty-six on the twenty-sixth day of the new year.  a decision to say 'fuck it' and get on with it has a bit more gravity at 47 than it used to in my thirties.  i didn't write yesterday.  i had a maelstrom of emotions to contend with and though it would have helped to sort through them, i wasn't in the processing mood.
bit ticket item; my younger brother tried to kill himself.  or so the story goes.  i have scant details but what i have is that he took pills and his wife found him unresponsive (or unconscious or even sleep) and she got him to the hospital.  this was apparently on saturday, and sunday my mom knew about it and didn't say anything to anyone.  and monday she said something, only because the 'guilt' that she felt about her lack of 'mothering' skills in regard to a 45 year old man overwhelmed her.
before i turn this entire thing into something about me, let me say that i am sorry my brother is hurting to such a degree that he feels the need for either attention or breath cessation.  i say it this way deliberately.  my brother has a wife, no children.  my brother is a baptized Jehovah's Witness.  my brother moved to Florida from youngstown and then to Alabama with the eldest, or where the eldest lives, anyway, and then back to Florida and then to Pennsylvania.  my brother is a good person, but he's a sad man.  he's always been sort of sad, i guess.  as with most of the rest of us, my brother doesn't communicate with any of us, as we don't communicate with him.  there is no logical reason for this.  but it speaks volumes about our state of mind, collectively.  my brother works, usually in health care as far as nursing homes, or in cleaning usually at hospitals.  around the sick but not able to do anything about the sicknesses.  again, indicative.  my brother is a good man.  he's a sweetheart.  but he has issues as we all do, and some of those issues, as with everyone else, become apparent if you look close enough.  i'm not here to speak on my brother's issues.  I would personally wonder if this is his first 'attempt' at suicide.  i'd wager it's not.  but i have a severe lack of data to make any kind of correlation.  he was at home, his wife found him.  i don't believe suicide is always intelligently worked out, but i do believe that a sincere desire to die usually means you seek solace, or at least minimize the chances of being thwarted.
i tried to kill myself in sobriety.  i think it was about four or five years in.  i was separated from the woman i would eventually make the mistake of marrying.  i can say that it was perpetuated by discovering i was replaceable; in my separating from her she got on with her life, and i was childish to the extent that i felt, as she was 'the cause of all the problems', she should be mourning my absence.  but she wasn't.  and i felt as if i should just give up on everything, which is how i dealt with sadness.  in the end, i went to the emergency room myself, got my stomach pumped (all my blood pressure medicine and some sleeping pills, figuring if i fell asleep my bp meds would eventually lower my blood pressure until i died) and they contemplated putting me into the psych ward.  i was in counseling, which is the only reason i didn't end up there.  that was my last ACTIVE attempt at suicide.  qualifier is because going years without regularly taking my blood pressure meds, not giving a damn about my health, my weight or my well-being, was a pretty sure sign that i was passively trying to die, that i'd given up on life.
i'm saying all that as a way of trying to clarify that there are reason for people attempting to end their lives.  the ones whose reasons are good enough for themselves succeed and nothing on this earth stops them.  the ones whose reasons aren't good enough for themselves tend to live, or not go through with it.  they have numbers, statistics on the number of people who kill themselves, though i'd bet they are not accurate at all.  but they have no statistics on how many people TRY to kill themselves, or how many people contemplate suicide on a regular basis.  i wish they'd study that, because an accurate picture of that kind of mentality would do so much more for being able to address mental health issues than exists at this time.
i will wait for more information about my brother.  i will wait to see if i should speak to him, because talking after the event when you don't talk much before is a pretty sure sign of not really caring, at least to the person inside the bubble.  again, that's from both my experience and my life observation.
smaller ticket items; i pulled out all the papers i could find in my apartment yesterday, but could not find my paperwork from my settlement with the company i worked for when i came down with CHF, and they fired me while in the hospital and blackballed me from getting hired anywhere else with falsified data about my termination.  i am going to email them this morning and see if they can email me something on my payment to them, but i fear i'm going to end up being penalized for bureaucratic reasons.  if so, i am at least partially at fault, so i will have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  but it goes with what i was saying about my younger brother.
this life can be hard as rocks thrown at your head by religious zealots.  sometimes, the only recourse that seems to make any sense is to just step away from the table permanently.  when i think of not being able to even scrape by, that someone could casually decide to triple my burden, which is already considerable, and they wouldn't lose a night's sleep, it makes my brain prepare for panic mode, and possibly shutdown.  but what i have to remember is i've dealt with hard stuff my entire adult life.  i'm not going to check out because i don't want to do hard stuff now.  i have spoken to my counselor about the possibility of me killing myself after i get Syd grown and gone.  i don't know how serious i am about that.  i think i want to downsize my life, but that seems to be a little too compact, even for me.  but my responsibility is to get Syd grown and gone, regardless of the burdens that accompany that.  any decisions on an exit strategy have to wait until that job is done.  i just think that's the right thing to do.
okay, i have to send this email and then i'm going to prepare for breakfast with my older brother.  this can stand as my entry for the twenty-fifth.

fuck this bullshit

there is a time when a choice must be made.  a person can feel a certain way, and it can be the blues.  it can be the heaviness of the times we're living in, the insanity of opening your eyes in the morning and just turning on the television, opening a newspaper or getting online and going to a browser's front page.  you see it, insanity rules everything at this point in history.  nothing has a foundation, nothing is grounded in solid facts.  everything is flexible and you either roll with it or it rolls over you.  there hasn't seemed to be an alternative.  you accept that people can just choose to deny the genetic makeup of their bodies, that cops can kill black people regardless of legality or motivation and get off scott-free, that food cost too much to eat and water is too poisoned to drink and air is too rare to breathe and a mind is no longer a terrible thing because we're all wasted and weed is pretty much legal and other drugs are going to follow soon.  you accept that there are 'pedophile' dolls, sex dolls in the shape of little kids, supposedly to 'keep a pedophile from actually abusing a real child'.  you accept that humans care more about animals than other humans.  you accept that racism is once again en vogue, that hatred is the real campaign promise this year and that helping people to afford medical care is a 'bad thing' in the eyes of this country.  you see the humiliation that a black woman who is a prominent politician endures in France and then you see that racism isn't really landlocked in America.  you see children killing children, the elderly making ends meet by performing in sex vids, and you feel your brain begin to bleed, your feel your heart breaking kind of but really tearing, like pages from a thick book, until there's nothing left to read except the cover and the author's bio.  and that's not enough for you to know what's going on.  this is how i feel most days.  i am trying to stick to my determination to be more social, to come out of seclusion, to open my heart and my home again and not be afraid of the repercussions.  but i am not making great headway.  i've been hesitant, lazy, restless, sleepless and grumpy.  well.  i'm tired of being tired.  that's the bottom line right now.  when i sit and write too long, which is never long enough, the weariness washes over me like a wave on the shore.  when i lay down, my eyes won't lock and i'm cruising bullshit on the 'net for hours.  i am tired of this living, this life.  so i'm going to put it back on the front burner and get back to cooking like i know how to cook.

today was good enough.  prayers and meeting, visited Lonnie, visited my mom.  R called but didn't answer when I called back because i was in my meeting.  Not hearing from TF, not expecting to.  all is as well as it should be i guess, and if it could be better that 's a matter for people other than me to figure out.  but tomorrow i go to the gym.  tomorrow i take clothes to wash at my mom's house.  tomorrow i go to make dinner for my mom and dad.  and tomorrow i find the papers i need for J&FS, and get my stuff in for Disability.  i have to get on the ball.  and crying the blues ain't gonna do it.  I thank you, Jehovah, for keeping me safe.  it's time for me to start flying again.

heavy melancholy

been a bit since visuals were included.  it's been one of those days.  I question everything, and i get no answers.  i'm not sure why i'm bothering, but i know this is my adult mind trying to reason with the universe instead of just keeping it moving in the good direction we'd been going in.  problem is, it's like walking a footpath across a mountaintop.  on either side is a steep slide, and there's only about four inches of space on the footpath.  if you fuck up, if you decide fuck it, i'm going to slip for a minute, you find yourself sliding at an increasing velocity toward the bottom of the mountain.  then, if you survive the slide, you've got the arduous task of climbing the mountain again, getting back on the path, walking carefully and trying desperately to remember not to say 'fuck it' again, knowing in your heart there's every probability that you will, because that's the habit that you've developed that has you having to walk so damned cautiously in the first place.  that's where i am today, that's what it's like.

i said my prayers, had breakfast, cleaned my living room.  i talked to R, called to check on TF, and i laid about.  i took a bath, i had lunch.  i thought about going to the store, and decided not to.  i have been in my bed most of the day.  is it depression?  i can't say for sure.  i feel melancholy, my thoughts aren't bringing me resolution, i have some worries that are going to require actions tomorrow, i've got anxiety but not for any discernible reason.  i am lonely, and this is a game that i am truly not enjoying playing.  if there was money or some other commodity on the table i'd swear i was being played.  but there's not, and so i think it's the same old shit.  but it is far more wearisome at 47 than it was at 37, that's for damn sure.

i've had dinner, i talked to my mom, i washed dishes, put the soup away, and am back in my bed.  i'm going to pretend like i'm finding something to watch on Hulu or Netflix, but mostly i'm going to think until about three in the morning and then i'll pass out and wake too soon.  i am not as grateful as i should be.  i know this is true.  but i know whatever God's will is, it will be done in God's time and i will survive the meantime.  good night.

tired of sadness

more and more, this seems to be about death, loss and sadness.  i am not happy with this, nor do i think anyone in their right mind would be.  but a journey takes you where you go, not always where you want to go, and you can only make the most of it, try to be open to the lessons and in the end there's always the next place, the next landmark, and maybe it will be something different.

i debated about going to TF's mother's funeral today.  i really didn't want to, as i am still heavy with the sadness from my aunt's passing.  i think about Celine Dion, losing her husband and her brother in the same week, and i can't even imagine her state of mind right now.  and i'm not comparing, but i'm saying grief is heavy, and grief compounded seems to synergetically increase. what remains is small spaces where you draw a breath, hope that it's enough air, and get back to trudging.

so i got up, with difficulty in prayer because my sleep has been shitty.  meditation and ambient noises haven't been helping.  some loneliness, some irritability, some racing thoughts.  anxiety, night anxiety.  i have things that i need to take care of that i may not be able to, and like all worries they gain power at night.  so it wasn't an unwillingness to pray, as i did try, but the prayer was disjointed and incohesive, and in the end i wasn't satisfied with it.

i didn't go to the gym, as i was sleepy from not getting any good rest.  i found Syd on the living room couch sick.  she didn't have school so i sent her in her room.  i took my insulin, had breakfast and then took my pills.  i didn't do much else.  nothing that was worthwhile.  i tried to finish the book but that didn't happen, but i'm almost done.  i'll probably order it from the library, going to take it back to VF at counseling tomorrow, so i don't forget it when she needs it.  i nodded a couple of times, and i made pizza for lunch.  i'd gone to the store to get stuff to make a tray of sausage, onions and peppers for TF's house for after the funeral, so i knew i'd at least have to go deliver that.  Syd's friend came by after a point, and i wrote and i watched some television and read some more.  i started working on the foundation for a soup, as i was finishing the roaster for TF.  i eventually got dressed, went west and dropped off the pan at TFs house, then i went to the funeral home to say good bye to her mother.  I didn't stay for the service.  watching my friend and her daughters weeping was a bit much for me.  it was interesting, the difference in services.  my aunt was in a baptist church where 99 percent of the people were black, there was singing and a choir and poetry and the organist played the entire time.  my friend's mother was at a funeral parlor in Austintown, where there were few chairs and some kind of grieving Muzak piped in.  but grief, truly feeling a space where someone that maybe you took for granted or didn't have as good a relationship as you wanted to and now its too late, truly feeling the emptiness of all that you had in you that you gave that person, trying to will them to live, to health, and knowing that it didn't work and they took that part of you that you gave them with you to whatever eternity they found themselves in, that is the same wherever you go.

i'm traveling through a sad, sad pocket of space.  i really hope i leave it soon.  i don't need happy, an absence of sorrow would do for now.

biah

it's snowy, and they're predicting a heavy storm.  it's a gripe of mine, which is meaningless, that they need to garner revenue so badly they name any normal weather condition in order to make it something sensational.  winter storm Hosea, or some such nonsense.  you know, the Blizzard of '16 just doesn't have the same umph anymore, i guess.  not flamboyant, not catchy, whatever.  but this is winter.  maybe we should just name each season, every year, and then name each weather change with different names and call the daily weather 'season babies'.  you never know.
pretty ordinary day.  prayer, gym, store.  meeting, went to eat with my cousin, took the card to TF's house.  seeing some people i know with problems that are burdening them, but they're not speaking, and that's not unusual.  hearing people talking the most inane nonsense in meetings, but that's not unusual either.  i guess i feel a little wistful.  friend in columbus, Syd's daycare person, her step-father died, recently.  death continues to creep.  head's been hurting off and on.  i don't have any true insights today.  i'm going to take some ibuprofin, take my insulin and get some water, read until i crash.  but i'm still working on consistency, so i am writing.  thank you, Father, for a lack of drama today.

some things can change you, and some things can just reach down inside you and drag things to the surface that you know you're better off leaving down in the depths, only because helpless anger is not productive at all.

i had a good day, don't get me wrong.  i got up, said prayers, got dressed and went to the gym.  i got home and actually got done some things that were on my to-do list.  i got clothes gathered, got my bath, got groomed, got to a meeting, delivered soup to Lonnie, got to my parent's house, visit while i washed clothes.  i had dinner without foolish expenditures for the sake of just spending money.  there are things that i needed to do that didn't make the cut, but at least i tried.  still need to find paperwork about the payment to the lawyer.  either i misheard the time my dad needed to be at his meeting or he told me the wrong time, but he got there anyway.  i wrote, a little bit, and i got to see some friends at the meeting.  talked to R for a brief moment, and i'll call her again when i get done with this, before i go to sleep because i'm going to the gym in the morning.  got a dinner date with my cousin, make sure she's okay.  like i said, a good day, good enough.

but i'm reading this book that my counselor loaned me, and it's one of those things that if you're black and of a certain age, it is speaking about you.  it is speaking to you.  but it is not speaking of how not to be angry about these things.

i know white people aren't ever going to get it.  it's classic denial, but to an extreme and sociopathic level.  they would rather try to now say that slavery was just 'unpaid employment' rather than acknowledge their complicity in destroying two races of people upon the shores of this blood-soaked land.  and they are willing to believe in their non-responsibility the same as most people are willing to lie to their children about santa being real.  it's sad, it's enraging, and its tiring.  it makes the brain weary to try to encompass this level of truth, and the bullshit that it forces me to once again contemplate.  but it is there, i guess the point would be.  i wouldn't feel this level of emotion if nothing were there in the first place.  i'm going to finish it, and then i'm going to find that it's seeped into my writing and that's going to make me angry too.  but i can do nothing about the anger, because that would mean having to confront people who just don't give a fuck.  and i'm honestly too old for that now, i don't have energy to waste that way.  oh well.  i had lunch with Lonnie.  it was a good day, and i thank God for the blessing that it was.

bed

a cold, cold day.  that's the best i can say about today.  it was a lazy day, a day of hibernation, a cold, cold day.
i got up and had to say my prayers in the living room, because the cold was going to keep me in bed without mercy.  i took insulin, had breakfast, watched some television and then went back to bed.  i got up, gave my brother the spaghetti i made, and then went back to bed.  i got up, made copies of some documents my brother needed for a thing he's working on, and went back to bed.  i read in bed.  i wrote a bit, had lunch, and went back to bed.  i talked to R a hot second before i ate, telling her i'd call back, then i called back and she was sleep apparently so i went back to bed.  i had soup and a cut up kielbassa for dinner.  i watched some more television.  i read some more.  i talked to R up to this very point.  and i'm in my bedroom.

my bedroom is warm.  the bathroom is warm.  i don't know if syd's room is warm.  i know the living room, dining area, kitchen and back utility area are freezing.  i made a peanut butter sandwich for a snack.  i've been okay with doing very little today.  i told syd the policy, again, on her meanderings out of the house for extended periods, but i've accepted that some things you can't really teach, despite how incredibly painful the alternative way of learning can be.  some things you just have to pray, turn them over, and do the next right thing.  i am going to the gym in the morning.  i am going to see my parents tomorrow.  i am going to write tomorrow.  i have things i have to get done.  but i am going to bed now.  thank you, Jehovah, for warmth and shelter, which everyone does not have.

the constitution of feeling good

well, this is the conclusion of a pretty good day.  so, what i've got at this point, as the orbit now commences, without some of the original parameters (but we knew that was going to happen); a good feeling day seems to be one in which the marks that need to be hit are hit.  maybe not all of them, but enough of them that in reflection, it can be seen that accomplishment was a reality and not just cheap talk in a dark room.

today, i got up, got prayers in, took meds and insulin and had breakfast.  had a pancake, sausage and eggs.  exactly what i wanted.  i got to the Kingdom Hall and to my meeting.  i got my spaghetti done, and Lonnie's soup is in the fridge.  i went to the hall with my mom.  i got my dad's television straight and was able to help my aunt.  i've got leftover spaghetti and meatballs for my brother to pick up tomorrow.  i checked on A.  i have a card for TF that i will deliver tomorrow, weather permitting.  i will go to the gym, that's my plan anyway.  it's supposed to be cold as a motherfucker in the morning, so i got to see how my internal engine is going once i wake up.  i've texted R but no reply so i'm putting that on standby.  facing the facts, emotions don't equate action, nor are they necessarily supposed to.

so, i feel pretty good right now.  i'm still sick, but that's not going anywhere anytime soon apparently.  A is still sick as well, and likely so is everyone else that i've spoken to who has come down with this shit in the past month.  but i can still get things done, and that makes me feel good.  i am getting some people at least checking out the nomination page.  i guess that's what is the important thing.  things create things, energy feeds energy.  if this one doesn't pan out, it is just the road to the next thing.  that's a good spiritual place for me to be.

oh, and i got my journaling done.  accomplishment.

it continues...

it continues.  a friend from childhood lost her boyfriend of a few months in an apparent car accident.  Celine Dion lost her husband and her brother within a week.  went to a meeting and the speaker just spoke of the dead.  truth is, everyone that i know is in the process of dying.  i guess when you get older, you just notice that it touches around you more often, because you know that it is there, closer in your future than however many years ago.  and you know that's cool.  i am working on being a better me.  i want to leave this world with something of value, and i believe i'm in the process of doing that.  i don't know if i'll ever write War & Peace or Roots, but if i don't, i'll still have written Waiting for Jesus and The Other Tree, and that's more than i could have said ten years ago.  things change, they always do.

today wasn't bad.  talked to R for over 2 hours.  haven't heard from TF again since her mom died.  going to send her a text tonight, let her know i'm here if she needs me.  i didn't clean my bathroom, but i will tomorrow.  did some decent writing, bathed and groomed, sugar was good, eating was cool til this evening.  had donuts staring me in the face all night, so i had one.  but none came home with me, so it's progress.

i am making a soup for Lonnie, in return for the soup he made me.  i'm worried about him, but he knows i'm here, and he knows i have soup for him.  also, making spaghetti & meatballs for the meeting tomorrow.  just because i didn't make the potluck because i was sick.  i like cooking for people.  there is something affirming about feeding people, i've always felt that way.  eating is extending life, realistically and in our consciousness.  that's why it used to be that mothers would feel assured if a child had a 'good appetite'.  they were able to feed their child, they were giving their child continued life.  i love the significance of soup.  i've always loved the story of Jacob and Esau, and the blessing for the bowl of lamb stew.  it is one of those things that you can scratch your head and ponder until your brain breaks, but it will always be what it is.  Jacob ganked his brother for the nation of Israel.  and you can't change that reality.  but things worked out as they were supposed to.  and there was no Mosaic law at that time, so officially Jacob wasn't under penalty of law.  like i said, break dents.  but life, that's a cool thing.  and breaking bread is spiritual.  you don't 'bless' a meal, you ask God to bless your meal.  i don't know where that's going, but the soup is thick and hearty and not hot, as Lonnie can't do the hot stuff anymore.  and there are 75 meatballs, hand mixed and hand rolled and baked and now slow cooking in a very good red sauce, and i'll do the pasta in the morning and i'm going to the kingdom hall and coming home to get my stuff and go to the meeting, or i'll just take it with me and heat it up there.  either way, i feel good today.  and i am very grateful for that.

we talked yesterday, VF and I, about joy with simple things.  i saw someone at the meeting this evening who used to be a friend of mine but is now my dad's confederate and mostly irritating to me.  i don't know exactly why.  she's a social climber, and my dad was higher on the social ladder than i was.  and she was grown and trying for security, and i was a kid and just trying to learn to fit in.  but i find that my opinions of people, once they form, are very hard to change.  or, more precisely, that when my feelings on someone sour, they don't often sweeten again.  it's a character defect.  its going to require some work on my part.  i'm willing to do the work.

i'm going to take some meds for my gout, which is bugging me, and i'm going to crash.  i'll do tomorrow as it comes, and i'll be grateful if i wake up, which is the biggest blessing of all right now.  Thank you, Jehovah, for life and the awareness of it.

upswinging

well, today was a much better day, though i'm not going to dance and sing about it.  i got some things done, and mostly i've had to blow my nose throughout the day, which was the worst of it, but for now, i'll take that over being weak, feeling woozy, achy and feverish.
got up early, seems to be happening a lot lately.  said my prayers and sat on the bed, debating.  then toti said 'fuck this noise, get your ass up', so we got up and got it moving toward the gym.  did a half hour on the treadmill which was all i had in me but it was much better than nothing.  came home, got Syd to her bus and then took meds, insulin and breakfast, two boiled eggs and a piece of toast.  was planning a big dinner so adjusted early.  i laid about for a bit, then i went to the store.  got stuff for my dinner and came home.  started to prep and listen to music, feeling pretty good.  new phone came in, so i worked on trying not to confuse myself too badly while i tried doing the activation, and i slowly got dinner together.  TF was going to bring resources for another soup for herself and her family but things aren't going well with her mom and that, i'm sure, takes precedence.  i got everything done but the chicken and then i napped briefly.  i got up, talked to Lonnie for a bit, got dinner finished and ate.  i cleaned the living room and I"ll do my bedroom and the bath tomorrow before counseling.  i intend to hit the gym in the a.m.

i am tired, and i'm still blowing my nose, but i feel about sixty-nine percent better.  i am glad that i've learned enough to just stop when its time to stop.  when i was younger i considered it a challenge to be able to keep it moving despite being sick, but nowadays when my body says 'rest', i tend to just yawn, roll over and comply.  now i got to find somewhere to drop off these dinner carbs, as i don't intend to continue eating on mac & cheese and dressing all weekend.  but it was damn tasty.  just an affectation, celebrating a day alive, and nothing more.  Thank you, Jehovah, for the blessing of breath today.

...some better

time does take care of several things.  i feel a lot better today.  but the measure of sickness seems to be in how much better you can feel while still feeling miserable.  and that is a considerable distance, apparently.

i got up, but felt sort of out of it.  not dizzy, not achy, but cold to the bone.  i tapped my brother to take Syd to her bus so i wouldn't have to try to force warmth too early.  i ate after Syd went to school, took insulin (but think i forgot my meds, can't remember and don't want to double up on them) and i rested.  i washed the dishes, put the chili in a bowl and got myself together for the meeting.  i did the meeting, called Lonnie but he was busy so i couldn't get the soup he made for me.  i ended up hitting the library and taking a card to one of the librarians and asking him to nominate me, but i wasn't allowed to leave cards (i guess trying to get votes is considered 'solicitation' when you're not running for office; if you are, it's 'campaigning) and my energy was running down.  i went to get some lunch at LJS but my friend wasn't there.  i came home, ate, and crawled back in bed where i am now.

i'm going to start getting back into this a bit heavier.  it's time to begin, i have less than nine months left and i have a lot of work to do.  what i've learned in the past few days.  one, sincere or otherwise, there are many people who try to be there for me, more than i usually give credit to.  A brought me hot and sour soup and so did Lonnie.  Shawn offered to bring me stuff if need be and so did TP  TF, though being within the will of my God apparently, offered soup (of course also asked if i'd make her more soup) and Don brought me wedding soup to the meeting today.  VF sent well wishes.  i have people who care about me enough to do what they're able and i need to stop acting like i don't.  two, i am not helpless.  i make choices, and choices have consequences.  i have been sick, that is a good reason to choose not to go to the gym.  the cold weather is not.  being tired is not.  just not feeling like it is not.  i am supposed to be working toward something.  i have to get back to a food plan.  i have another cardiologist appointment in april and i want my weight down for doctor Lutton.  so, it's about that grind, right?

i am writing.  i have at least three hundred people, many of whom i don't know, who were willing to go and nominate my book.  i know this world is fucked up, and i know that fucked up condition has caught people up in its grip like sticky web grabbing small insects.  but not everyone.  i have to stop acting like the blanket of insanity has everyone in its grips.  or maybe, the one really in its grips is me, and maybe that's why i'm still in counseling at this point.  i know my counselor will get to this, so i may get an answer pretty soon.

anyway, i'm going to see if TF brings the resources for soup so i can get that done for her.  and i'll see if R calls.  And i'm going to rest, and i've got a chicken dinner to make tomorrow, but tomorrow comes after today, so it doesn't exist just yet.  Thank you, Father, for a good day so far.

sick, day four

David Bowie is dead.

somehow, the universe seems a tad dimmer today.

okay, enough of that.  i'm fucking sick of being sick.  but i feel a bit better today.  going to take my meds, as i don't want this thing turning around on me.  i had an active day, but i know folks that have had this for weeks, so i'm being careful.

got up with prayers, had coffee, did some writing, took Syd to her bus.  gathered trash, remembered my clothes so i went to my parent's house to wash my load.  saw my dad, talked a bit with my mom, finished my clothes and went to the store.  got the stuff for my roasted chicken and to make chili for today and tomorrow.  talked to R, she sounds really down about trying to put the pieces together with her dad.  i didn't offer any advice because i have none and i don't do advice.  i just listened.  i saw some drawings her dad did.  he's very good.  i came home, i cooked, i rested, i ate, i took my meds, i've been chilling.  i'm about to take some cold meds and lay it down, gonna try to make my meeting tomorrow.  just the cough, well, that's not true.  i feel things lingering, the ache, the dizziness, not as pronounced but there.  however, i don't like inconveniencing others when it comes to my responsibilities in the program.  so i'll see how i feel in the morning, is all i can say.  i'm grateful to God for a better day.

Sick, day three

okay, yesterday i was sick and forgot to log.  that is my fault, and a poor excuse since i was sick the day before, am sick now and there little variation in the degree of sick that i feel.  however, i need to stay as much on point as i can.  i am trying to get a few things done while i'm down that will make some things easier when i'm back on my feet.
so, i dragged through yesterday in a sort-of feverish haze.  i didn't take my temperature because i didn't really want to see i had a fever.  I didn't go to the hall, i didn't go to my meeting, and I didn't do much of anything.  i laid around, drank water, coffee and tea, ate, blew my nose, took large doses of meds and faded in and out of consciousness.  i talked to R, who in her own special way continued to name drop 'my Struthers friend', referencing who i spent New Year's with, and i laugh because she knows its her fault but i'm not going to have that conversation with her while she's in Florida having family issues.  i didn't talk to too many other people.  I found that a can of soup from Aldis, properly doctored, has a good kick when it comes to some cold relief.  and i made my way through the rest of the day without much incident.

today, i woke sick and didn't take Syd to her bus.  i had breakfast after prayer and i laid back down.  i took insulin, my meds, my sugar was a bit high but i have had no physical activity in the past several days.  i've read, i've made two doctor appointments, i've talked to TP twice already and i've texted a few people.

so, it's evening now.  i'm still sick.  i've drank a quart of very hot & spicy soup, which helped for a bit but not long.  i've had dinner, a pork stir fry that i made, which was very tasty.  my sugar's been surprisingly good.  my throat still hurts, i'm still stuffy and the meds aren't really doing a damn thing.  i've called some folks back today, i've listened more than i've talked, i've enlisted A to help me get the word about my campaign out and i'm planning one run out of the house tomorrow.  if things go as planned, i'll take Syd to her bus stop, go to the laundromat and wash and dry a load of clothes, i'll hit a store and pick up something for lunch and dinner.  it's about the best i can manage, unless i just feel dynamically better tomorrow.  But A said she's been down with this for two weeks, so i'm not really thinking it's going to be a good thing.  well, i also made doctor appointments, still have to call Dr. Gurd for a follow up for Syd tomorrow.  i guess things are still moving.  i haven't written today yet, but when even my eyes hurt it's very hard to concentrate.  i'm sleepy.  about to get drugged and try to pass out.  thank you, Jehovah, it has been a day of rest.

ONE JOB

well, now i'm sick.

"where were you when I created the earth?"  that's the real lesson of Job, and that's the lesson that i keep forgetting and would do well to remember.  people always say, and this is from of some of the most learned people that i know, that Job's lesson was about patience in the face of adversity, faith through trying times.  but that's not the deal.  never was.  God don't run on my clock or calendar.  'a thousand years to man is but a day to God', one of the disciples said, which means that perhaps Methuselah made it through most of a day for God, but not too many can claim that kind of longevity.  and even Methuselah only made it to evening.  he didn't see God's clock chime 12 on either side of God's post-meridian. so the lesson ain't patience because it's all worked out in God's time.

the lesson is obedience.  the lesson is, you know your job, do your job.  i know my job, says God, and you can't do my job, so cover your position and let me run the universe, whydoncha?

and even that's an assumption on my part, but if, after all the discourse between Job and his friends, God still found it necessary to put Job back in his place, though Job didn't break faith, what else could it be?

Moses made it to the gates of Cana'an, was told to speak to a rock to bring forth water from the people, was at his wit's end with the attitudes of the Israelites, got a bit too big in the britches, struck the rock and brought water out, and blew his entry into the Promised Land.  he Disobeyed.  he Forgot His Position.

Samson, a prominent Judge over Israel, was given One Job; don't let your hair be cut.  kinda by proxy, goes to say 'don't tell any woman you're sleeping with, though you shouldn't be doing so out of wedlock anyway, but still don't tell them the secret of the hair'.  what did he do?  well, the story speaks for itself.

Adam and his wife Eve.  One Job.  One commandment.  too much for them.  blew the whole thing for everyone.

'Where were you when I created the earth?'

today i'm sick.  not much for recalibration today.

today i feel as if someone is living in my body and pissing on my floors.  i'm not happy about it.
yesterday i made a shitload of soup for TF and fish for her and for my mom and myself.  and through the whole thing listened to an insane woman speaking about her sociopathy as if it was the most normal mental state in the world, which increasingly it is.  and i also heard from R and spoke to her.

One Job To Do.

I am sorry, Jehovah.  I forgot myself.  I always do.  I will try to do better.  thank you for protecting me from me.

i'm resting.  drinking coffee, taking meds, waiting for hot and sour soup from Fortune Garden from Lonnie and his son.  i am happy enough to be resting.  going to get my lesson in the Watchtower together, going to the hall and to the meeting tomorrow, if i feel better.  my dad is getting word out about my book.  my job is to rest and to write.  and to pray, as i remember a prayer but it may not be from today.

boy, being sick sucks.  but its better than losing paradise.

calibrating...

not much to say today.  feeling sick now.  weather changes were stalking me anyway, now they got me.  oh, well.  i'm going to try to rest and reset tomorrow, if i can.  figure it's going to get a bit weird, but such is life, i suppose.  i'll recap Friday in tomorrow's entry.

systems go again

i am moving towards a better direction, i feel.  i needed the catharsis of yesterday's post to help me see exactly where i am.  its easy to lose oneself when you travel with your eyes closed hoping you're going in the right direction.  but the longer it takes to open your eyes and see where you are and make corrections, the better the chance you'll end up somewhere you don't want to be with no idea how to get back on course.  i feel like my navigation is back online, i just have to get back into my orbit now.

i didn't go to the gym this morning.  i said my prayers and got up, but i wrapped in a comforter and sat on the couch.  Syd asked if her friend could take her to school, so i didn't leave out til time to take my aunt to her doctor appointment.  after that i went to the grocery store and got the fish for tomorrow.  i went to lunch with Lonnie per schedule and TF text me and i texted back.  i don't believe that any substitute body is the answer to a prayer to a constructive and artistic God.  but i do believe that it is a means of not being alone, and remembering that there's no such thing as a one sided commitment in a two-part relationship.  so i'm back to being committed to me.  and if i get a chance, i'm going to talk to R and see what's up with her in regard to me, but i'm not going to stop living in the meantime.
i am, am, AM going to the gym in the morning.  i am going to make TF soup if she comes by when she says she is and we go get the stuff.  i am going to make fish for the house, and for myself.  i am going to enjoy my day should i be so blessed to wake up to it.  i AM going to write, as i did today.  i AM going to get some flyers distributed, as that is important stuff.  and i AM going to remain grateful, because i am capable of resuming what's best for me, by God's grace and one day at a time.  that's it for today.  also, i'm very proud of my son, who has started doing some specialty cooking for specific clientele.  i hope all success for him.

late night entry

...this orbit is not going well.
from the point that i am not really keeping track of my logs, to the difficulty i'm having actually getting back in my trajectory, i'm really beginning to wonder if i'll ever get my focus back.
i think i need to purge here, to get things out where i can see them, so that i can deal with them point by point.
to start with, the eating may be better, but better and good are two different things.  i have to start eating correctly again, and that's proving far more difficult than i believed, though i knew already it would be.  food plans and diets have the same requirement:  discipline of self, whether by God or by acceptance and perseverance.  if i cannot accept the parameters i previously set, i won't get the results that i say i want.  the insulin is down.  the numbers are better.  the results of the discipline are evident.  so what is the hold up?
point two, the interpersonal bullshit.  i'm irritable lately and not prone to giving people a lot of room in my life.  i feel as if its a waste of time trying to speak to T because she's nuts right now and not getting any less nuts.  R is about to go for a week, haven't spent time with her and barely spoke to her yesterday because i realized that the time we're not spending is by her choice, and that's not in my power to change.  no other company has been available, so its like back to famine, do not pass feast again, do not collect 200 bucks.  this shouldn't matter, but it does.  this should be par for the course, but the course sucks.  and again, am i just investing in the emotionally unavailable, or is it really that i saw hope and chose to believe in it?  i don't know if i really believe that anymore.  but the results speak for themselves.  i have to get back to one day at a time.  the day will bring what it brings and I will respond or react depending on my mental foundation and my spiritual conditioning.
three, i need to get busy again, and stay busy again.  the hoildays are done.  that's a poor excuse for this lethargy anyway, but its the only one i've got.  i know i fucked up.  not going to beat myself any longer for that.  the past will never change.  that's the truth.  but everything i do changes the possible future.  and that's something that i need to pay attention to.  so i have to take care of the things that will make the future bright again.  that's what i was doing before thanksgiving.  now i'm just pretending to do so.  which means the grown up is back in charge.  all the things i'm speaking of are head things.  head things is when the thoughts are racing, the 'reasoning' grows more pronounced than the 'emoting' and the 'intuiting', which is where toti is at his best.  i'm busy being in my 'rights' as opposed to doing what is best for me.  and that's also a sure sign that i'm still off track.  there are things i have to do to correct this bad trajectory.  to start with, back to an eating plan that i can stick with.  more on that when i have one, which i'm going to have to set this day, being after midnight now.  two, no less that four days a week at the gym.  including cardio at every workout.  there's time, but there's not forever.  three, have to put R and all the other women in God's hands and let them go.  i can't keep focusing on things that are not going to change my life for the better.  if R was really about this, i wouldn't be working this hard to make no progress.  and i'm not going to keep running this gamut.  she's a good woman.  but it's not for me to sell that point to her every day.  i'm going to get back to writing, to getting nominations for Mechanical Jesus, to working on the Book of Old Lazarus, to working on the inner journey, and when all that is done and i'm back where i need to be, flight wise, not destination wise, i might be able to focus on some other things.  i'm praying that this is done, because i have little chance without these things being implemented.  the past won't change, and its inaccessible physically.  it burns mental energy staying there, that can be applied to more worthwhile endeavors.  i wanted to get this down because i ended up crashing without writing and that's part of the problem too.  i'm not that tired.  my mind is just doing that much to spin my wheels and get nowhere.  time for a change, Father.  thank you for the awareness and the available strength to do so.

cold slows molecular activity

...another way of saying i didn't do much of what i'd planned to do today.  it is cold.  i knew it would be, and likely it's no colder than any other winter, but it is cold and i'm not digging it very much.  not to mention i did not sleep at all last night.  tossed, turned and finally went into the living room with my blanket and watched the television and let it watch me during a few nods, and was pretty out of it this morning.  i laid down after i got Syd out the door, but i still couldn't go under.  finally said my prayers, got up and had breakfast and took meds, and i sort of lazed about.  finally i got my quarter-flyers done for the nomination requests that i'm going to approach the public with, and i got an application filled out that i will mail tomorrow on my way to my meeting.  so it hasn't been a completely unproductive day, but enough so that i know i have to get my ass in gear tomorrow.
i think a lot of this is just the adjustment i'm going to have to take on.  R did text this morning, phone back on and running, but i didn't respond.  i will answer if she calls, but i'm not feeling sending kites into the wind, just to have crumbs for contact.  i have work to do, and i have gym stuff to tend to, and i'm going to do that.  and if R wants to be in my life, she will.  and if she doesn't, I want to be in my life.  that's the most important thing.

heavy weather

this has been a day of nothingness.  it was so damn cold this morning, i did not go to the gym, didn't leave the house at all in the early morning.  i said my prayer and got up to take Syd to her bus but she had a ride so i stayed in, slept a bit longer and had breakfast.  i wrote, drank coffee, went to pay my rent, paid bills online, went to the grocery store and just laid back.  felt a little sick, but it was mostly the bitterness of the cold today.  i don't mind it per se, but to move about early in it takes a force of will that i couldn't marshal today.  so i stayed in mostly.
i've not seen R still.  three days until she leaves for Florida.  i believe i'm going to have to expand the boundaries.  i can't do exclusive AND lonely.  that makes no sense at all.  i am going to have to pray on that, because i do love R, but this is getting a bit ridiculous, even for her, especially for me.  but we'll see.  three days.
i'm sad.  don't have much more than that to say. i'm going to sleep now

the beginning of the year has been interesting in many ways.  i guess the real test will be tomorrow, when the schedule is back in force and i get moving along the parameters of having a regimen.  it's sort of sucky to have so much free, unscheduled time on my hands.  leaves too much time for thinking.
i went to the hall and to my meeting today.  i was sleepy through most of the day, so this is going to be an early night no matter what.  i did my prayers and had breakfast and lazed around, trying to talk myself out of going to the hall.  finally i threw on clothes and just went.  put gas in my car, the service was cool but i was so sleepy.  then the meeting, where someone i tried to help quite some time ago managed to get on my nerves and i left before the so-called 'lord's prayer', which ends the meeting.  i went to see my parents, went to the store to get dinner and i came home.  i had a sandwich, lazed a bit more, got salmon and roasted red skinned potatoes and green beans and corn done.  minimal writing, but i did some.  just as this will be minimal.  i cleaned the kitchen and have been lazing since.  but damned if, once i lay it all the way down i'll be wide awake.  oh, well.  i'm going to try, that's all i can do.

the annoyance.  okay, it's not about me trying to help a person, once upon a time.  this is an individual with patterns of self-sabotage so pronounced, they themselves are aware of them.  but they go into them, and have for as long as i've been sober.  the annoyance was the flippant way they were addressing me.  the annoyance was the fact that many people have the notion that they need contribute nothing except themselves, while a handful carry the weight of all these spiritual deadbeats. the annoyance was in knowing that this is all some kind of sick game to this person, while others see them doing this shit, emulate their dysfunction and get dead. and i just don't have the patience, will or energy to continue to try to be nice about it.  so, yes, i left.  and next time i will hurt feelings.  but for now, tomorrow's a new day, i thank my heavenly Father for seeing me through and i'm going to sleep.

crossroads

well, we're now two days past the time wall.  human terms only, of course.  no word from R, her phone is off and i've not seen her since before christmas.  i think.  well, we did lunch on monday or tuesday, but i've spent no time with her, the calendar pages are turning and her trip to florida approaches.  it's time to face some facts and adjust some horizons.  but first, a day's recap.

prayer and cleaning.  that was the beginning of the day.  i got up to the smell of coffee, lazed in my bed, said my prayers and got up to check my sugar, take my meds and have breakfast.  had leftovers from dinner for breakfast, and conversely had breakfast for dinner today.  had coffee, my brother came knocking on my door because he needed a jump so i went out to help him.  cold as a motherfucker.  got back shortly, got started on my cleaning.  progress is coming nicely with tbool (acronym used from now on for The Book Of Old Lazarus).  it is going to be magnificant, i mean it.  tbool is writing itself.  i'm just trying to ride this beast.  anyway, i cleaned my section of the house, washed clothes, had lunch with a guy i sponsored and wrote some more.  i am going to be shutting it down shortly, tomorrow i intend to go to the hall and to my meeting, so i have no need to do the late night thing tonight.

so, here's my thing.  R has not been by.  R has three children at home.  two of them are older and both work.  one is younger than Syd.  xmas vacation is ended.  available time is done.  school starts again monday and she leaves for florida thursday.  so this is a week for details and leaving.  so she didn't choose to spend time with me.  that's the reality, regardless of the reason.
i believe the depression.  i believe the circumstances.  but i also believe that what's important to you, you make time for.  that's a truth.  people spend money they don't have on shit they want because it's important to them.  people neglect medicine because they don't care.  if i was that important, she would have made time for me.  therefore, i can safely say that wasn't high on her 'to-do' list for the week.  c'est la vie, no?

meanwhile, i have a coffee date with a very old friend saturday next.  i have a woman at a fast food place that i'd really like to go to dinner with.  TF has been showing through again.  i've been being still because i've been trying to invest emotionally in R, but if that's not something that's important to her, why should i deprive myself?  i think i'm going to see if my new friend wants to do a lunch or dinner thing on friday.  i hope i get to see R before she leaves, but i am not wanting a hug and a lukewarm good bye kiss and then wait til she gets back to town.  and i've a feeling that's the best she's going to be able to do.

well, enough musing.  we'll see what the day brings when the day comes.  grateful for the work today, and the rest.  Father, may I be grateful in shown ways.  good night.

across the border

man, death is busy lately.  i'm finding out that so many people died over the 'holy'days in the last two weeks.  lost a brother who was genuinely like a brother to me.  name was JD, and he was one of the angels who looked out for me as i was on my way down in my addiction.  his wife was the sister of one of my first girlfriends.  i knew his kids, had babysat for them before i got too bad and too deep in the hole.  it's just something to think how death sneaks around in the background of your life, picking people like flowers, or weeds in some cases, and you don't realize until you inventory the bouquet how empty your garden is becoming.  a little poetic, i know, but that's how i'm feeling.
so i didn't go to the gym today.  i got up, slow and sluggish and cold.  i said prayers, and i took meds and insulin and started writing on 'the book of old lazarus'.  i had breakfast, wrote some more, went back to lay down for a bit then got out of the house.  i went to visit my sponsor, who lost many relatives over the past several days and is not doing as well as any of us would like him to be either.  he's swollen from the steroids the doctors have him on, has been on oxygen for three years now, and while he's doing as well with it as he can, it's something perceptible now that he's not as good as he wants us to think.  but i have nothing that i can add, because there's nothing i can do about it.  his wife looks tired; caring for him is a very hard job, because he's not an easy person when his health was better.  but she's a nurse by education and profession, so she's doing what she needs to do.
i'm really excited about the coming year.  the campaign jumped off strong, but i have to find other sources of nominations in order to carry the momentum.  i am going to ask my dad if he can ask some people at his old job and some folks where he travels in his day to day routines.  i'm going to have my children ask their friends and networks.  i'm going to print up some informational stuff to put in libraries, at the community center and maybe at some bookstores.  either way, i have decided to end my exile.  its time to return to the person that i want to be, or to open up so that person can have some light and some air.  i mean, i'll be a flower or weed in someone's garden soon enough.  may as well be something exotic and rare, rather than just some thing that was deposited by bird shit.  i am grateful for the day, and i am thankful for the start of a new year, though it's all the same thing for me.