there is a disquiet in my spirit this morning. i felt it through the night, but elected to ignore it at that time. when i awakened in the same mindset as i went to sleep in, i knew it needed addressing. i'm going to do that now, and i'm going to get my day started as it should be, so that i can figure out the next two weeks, or at least plot a course and ask Jehovah's blessing.
i spoke of R's general mood yesterday. i realize that there are things i believe that i've not put down here, mostly because i am trying to keep them in the shadows of my own mind. but that's cheating the process, and if you start cheating small eventually you cheat big as long as you can get away with it. choice is, either you surrender to the truth or get caught in a lie eventually. i'm preferential to surrender at this time. i am finding R to be inconsistent in what she says she's about. i'm sure i've not been around her for long enough periods to know for a fact that i'm wrong or right, but i still have my feelings and a right to them. when i met R she was working at a service station, which of course are now convenient stores that sell gas. she was going through changes i knew nothing about at that time. i only knew she was lovely and i wanted to get to know her if it was possible. we casually saw each other, and then she took sick. she was very, very sick and i'm learning now she was close to death. on the other side of that, she became a recluse, which is understandable. then she'd pop up in my life with a phone call, and we'd talk for a while and then she'd disappear again. she was seeing someone at these times, and had been all along. at a point, she was told she wasn't to speak to me again, at the dictates of her then-other. i acquiesced, as i really had no choice in the matter and was not trying to create drama in someone else's life, nor bring drama to my own. i had, by that point, been sick, hospitalized and close to death myself. i've watched her then-other situation crumble, i've watched her go into great struggles trying to tend to her own situations, herself, her children. i've seen her work and lose work. i've seen her have to send her children away because of the compromises to her living situation. i know she's been without much of what she needs, and i know she is hurting because of that. i keep all of those things in my mind because they help me keep a perspective on her current way of being.
i hear her talking a great talk. about how people are on her nerves. about how she was going to say this but she held her tongue. it's like there's a person that she wants to be, maybe even a person that she used to be. i don't know, as i said. i didn't know her in her marriage, or when she was a young mother, or when she was wild. i only knew her from 29 up, and that is the woman that i love. i deal with her biting tongue and her sarcastic mouth because i don't have to deal with it all the time. i also realize i don't have to deal with it at all. that's liberating for me. i used to think i had no choice in things like this, that if i was with someone, or trying to be with someone, my job was to take their shit and just roll with it. i know now that is the furthest thing from the truth. but it still comes down to value. what makes it worth it to deal with someone's shit? what makes it not worth it?
R is hurting right now. a lot of death, a lot of confusion in the family, a lot of financial burden, a lot of fear. i cannot help her with any of it. i can't do anything but be here for her. but it's not enough. and i know that. again, honesty removes the pall of so-called necessary lies. time given pays no bills, and good words don't erase drama and confusion. but i see she may be gearing up for a self-destructive run. so i've been mulling it over in my mind for the past 10 hours or so...how much do i need to distance myself from this situation? how much do i need to back away, to let her run, to let her do her thing? she is, literally and truthfully, one of the best women i've ever known. i could love her deeper than i do, easily. but i don't voluntarily put myself in a position to be lacerated by someone else's pain anymore. that just doesn't do it for me. and if that's the case, am i really here for her? or am i here for her to the extent that a safe distance will allow me to be?
i am done writing in Mechanical Jesus for the day. I have gone to the Kingdom hall, enjoyed the talk but left early before the watchtower lesson was done. i came home after i went to the store to get soup and things for lunch. i talked to R, she seemed a bit more centered, but i already went over that. i told her i'd make spaghetti for her cousins and went to the store to get the stuff after i tried futilely to nap. i had leftovers for dinner and i made the spaghetti. i am now sitting here, listening to music, having finished my writing for the day and sort of peripherally checking out R who is sitting at my table, on her phone/internet. i'm thinking that i intend to get serious this week. it's time for me to start working harder than i have been as far as the gym is concerned. The eating hasn't been too bad, but it hasn't been exactly disciplined either. but i could definitely start putting in more work, and that is going to help me metabolize my glucose better. I have things on my mind, but this isn't the time for that, so i'm going to thank my Heavenly Father for this day, and I'm going to wrap this up. back to the system check tomorrow.
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