this is a lazy day, all the way around. i was going to go to the Kingdom Hall, but i didn't feel it once i was up and into the day. i had breakfast and i wrote in the book and i filled out more of an application to turn in tomorrow and i said my good mornings, and i guess in an hour or so i'll get ready for my meeting. i feel a bit wistful today, a little nostalgic. i'd been thinking about my ex-wife. we split up because we were going to end up killing each other, though that's not the reasons i thought at the time. she was, and likely is, very wounded, but she didn't know how to deal with her wounds and i, in my 'know-it-all' way, wasn't much help. i left her after 3 years of a relationship and after 3 months of marriage. but that's not what i was thinking. honesty is everything, after all. i was thinking about how she had gotten with someone i sponsored, because his woman and i went to columbus on my vacation. fact is, his woman ended up being Syd's mom, but that wasn't the intention. i don't know what i wanted, to be honest. i wanted to stop fighting, but that's not the same as wanting things to work out. i wanted her to learn how to be herself, to let go of her pain, but hell, i didn't even know how to let go of my own. i spent a lot of time as a younger man just going through the motions. and when i saw how she was with the guy i sponsored and the people in the meetings had turned on me, i stopped giving a damn about program people. maybe i still don't give enough of a damn. after my ex-wife and Syd's mom, everything sort of changed in me. it was practically the same relationship, except one had a lesbian focus. and ended in a child. but i no longer felt that i wanted to have groups of people in my life. groups of people have more than their share of bullshitters. i don't know.
anyway. today has been sedate. i did get to my meeting. i ate, i napped, i fucked around on the computer. i had a sugar of 199 this evening, after a pumpkin roll that R left over, and so i took a higher shot of my fast acting, but not the long acting. tomorrow i go back to logging food and calories. tomorrow.
i talked to R about some things i had theorized earlier. thinking about the evening yesterday. i realize that the 'hurt people hurt people' cliche, clever though it is, has its power through the subscription that people give it. hurt people who recognize their hurt are capable of bringing something different to the table, if they are capable of acknowledging the fact of being hurt. if their desire for something substantial and healthy is greater than their fear of being hurt again. every single person who has lived longer than a year, i think, has a mind-field, very like a mine field. life gives us the mines, and we bury them in our minds, from the surface of conscious thought and recollection to the depths of sub- and unconscious autonomic action and memory. we get hurt, and we set it in our memory banks. we experience trauma, and we set it in our memory banks. we grieve, and we set it in our memory banks, and if it is painful enough, it has triggers and is laced with explosives and we do it to protect ourselves from a future that seems determined to kill us, or at the very least make us bleed emotionally and maybe even physically, a bit. and when we encounter people, new people, we try our best to allow them the newness they deserve, but the mind-field has already been laid, and they have to run a gauntlet, blind and without the benefit of the map that we ourselves have forgotten most of the details of. they have to come through the dangerous field of our hurts, pains and fears, and they have to risk being destroyed, that part of them that wants our friendship, our love or even just our respect and association. and the question becomes...is that person worth it? is the person we're trying to get closer to worth the pain that may come from running that gauntlet? Hurt people protect themselves. hurt people don't want to be hurt again. some people who have been abused become abusers. but many, many people who have been abused go so far in the other direction that they become overly permissive with their own children, for fear of becoming the abusive parent that they had. so, is R worth the chance of being blown to smithereens? is R worth the likelihood that she will leave me a twisted mass of mental anguish? that's a damn good question. for now, the answer is yes. but change is the only constant in the universe.
tomorrow. thank you, Father, for this very thoughtful day.
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