night light

...sunday morning.  i feel good, a bit rough for a pretty strenuous weekend so far.  it's almost over though, new week begins soon.
R's cousin who is in the coma will likely not recover.  i'm sad about this, as i only got to meet her once and she seemed a very nice and kind lady.  very young to be going away, should that be God's will for her.  very young, as well, to live out years and years in a vegetative state, on respirators and incapable of any productivity, should that be her family's will for her, as she was a creative and imaginative person who had some bright things about to happen in her life.  it makes the subject of end life decisions and rights that VF and i spoke on friday more poignant.  it also makes me grateful, because none of us are promised tomorrow, and none of us are promised the day we wake to is the day that we actually want or can use or can even be capable of.  i have to remember always that what i have here is opportunity.  i have a chance to do better things, to do good things, do things period.  'lamented the fact i had no shoes, until i met the man who had no feet'.  amen.

blood sugar was okay.  had breakfast, coffee, water.  took insulin and medicine.  i had a decent day with R yesterday, but it was a learning day as well.  when she left to see about her cousin, i just sort of puttered around.  i was tired, as i'd only slept a fitful sleep the night before, but i was trying to wait for word.  when the word came about how the cousin would likely not revive well, i was sad, and i was worried about R.  she doesn't really emote much.  I know she acknowledges crying a lot in her own privacy when she was at the worst of the chaos this summer, crying because of feeling overwhelmed and that she was failing her daughters.  but i don't believe she would willingly allow someone else to see her vulnerable.  but you can see it, if you know how and where to look.  i do know how, but i don't remark on it.  a person is entitled to their dignity, and sharing should only be done if its voluntary.  so i worried about R, and then i had this stuff to cook because she'd bought stuff for our dinner and i wasn't going to have her buying stuff and it not be available to her whenever she wanted it.  i was working on something tricky (and failing) when she knocked on the door.

mind you, i don't really like cooking in front of R.  i'm not a chef, not trained in any way, so i know many of my kitchen habits are not 'health inspection' safe, though they're not atrocious or even blatantly disregarding of cleanliness and safety.  but R is borderline germaphobe, and so i know if i cook before she is there, she can eat easily.  i am therefore on pins and needles when i cook and she's there, but i manage.  usually.  when i'm not tired, and stressed, and worried about her, and hot (day was hotter than it was reported to be and i had the oven on and no ventilation) and so i attempted a parmesan cream sauce for pasta that failed utterly.  that was the 'murphy's law' moment when R returned, in emotional-stab-as-shield mode, though it was more my perception than her intention.  after a few very snarky comments (perceived) i felt my anger actually starting to rise.  it was, in truth, a feeling of 'i have been worrying about you, i have been worrying about your family, i have been cooking for you, i have been trying to be gracious knowing you're having a very hard time, and you're going to come into MY apartment and NEEDLE ME???  again, perceived.  so i actually did something that i don't usually do.  i stopped everything.  i told her i needed some quiet, and i breathed.  and she said something else, i think it was concern about my blood sugar (though i wasn't worried about my blood sugar) and about whether i was going to pass out, and i didn't respond.  i breathed.  i sat.  i turned on the fan and pointed it at me.  and once i got myself in chill mode, i started working on wrapping up my failed dish and making it edible.  and R went to sleep (thank God).  and when i got it sort of sorted out, i just went in and took a reset nap myself.
the rest of the evening went cool.  R enjoyed what i'd cooked, we talked as we always do, we watched a movie, she gave me a massage, and she went home and i closed up shop.  i apologized for snapping at her, which i really did not snap at her but that was my intention and i know she knew it was, so i wanted to not just defuse that bomb but take the charge out of any future bombs of that ilk.  and again, there is growth in all that.
i am becoming flexible again.  there is a Promise that can be found in the Big Book of \Alcoholics Anonymous, a book which, notoriously, doesn't make many promises.  and it doesn't for a reason; because if you were to promise drunks and dopefiends things would happen a certain way, because failure is an excuse to return to destroying ourselves, we would immediately set out to prove those promises were lies.  so this particular set of promises comes after you have worked eight steps and are working on your ninth step, 'made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others'.  and the particular promise itself is, "we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us".  this comes as a result of making amends, or amending damage done, or repairing personal damage inflicted upon loved ones, because when i do something harmful and i am chemically compromised, my immediate reaction is to make myself the victim and therefore it's your fault that i did what i did to hurt you.  when i am sober and working on clearing away the wreckage of my self-centered hurricane, i see where i was a big part of the wrongs and hurts between us, and that i have to at least work on fixing the things that i broke.  and when practiced long enough (step ten:  continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it) you start to get a feel for the emotional terrain you are navigating, and how to miss some pitfalls that before you would have fallen right into.  so i know, as i make amends, or amend the damage i've done, or repair the destroyed relationship between myself and toti, i can see the value of good people in my life, the value of friends and loved ones, the value of a woman who can be responsive to me and brings good feelings to me 90% of the time, and that 10% when she doesn't is because she's going through life on life's terms and i don't need to condemn anyone to my 'righteous wrath' because of life because i damn sure get fucked by life on life's terms often enough to know it's no damn fun.  learning.  changing.  and it's for the better and i can see it.
i watch 'guardians of the galaxy', i feel like crying everytime Rocket says "I DIDN'T ASK TO BE TORN APART AND PUT BACK TOGETHER AND MADE INTO A MONSTER!"  i know i'm quoting that wrong.  (actual quote: " I didn't ask to be torn apart and put back together over and over and turned into some little monster!" )  that's how my inner child feels.  that's how i feel most of the time.  that's why this is so hard, why it's so easy to just go back to sleep, put the console on cruise control and let whatever happens happen, waiting internally for the crash and burn that means the pain is finally, blessedly, over.  but that's not way to live, and its no way to die.  i am on the verge of a very good thing.  i am on the verge of a life that is worth living.  i am not going to just surrender that because there are hard moments.  and i think my inner child agrees with me on this one.
i made a Burrito Pie for our potluck at the meeting today.  pictured atop this lengthy blog page.  i had a moment of supreme creativity yesterday, followed by a moment of supreme culinary oversight and instant assessment on how to do it right next time.  that's the purpose of this page name.  because a night light is to allay childish fears in the dark.  and eventually, when you learn the only thing to fear in the dark is you, and you stop being afraid of yourself, the moon and the world (life) is the only night life you actually need.  i'm going to do this meeting, visit mom and dad, come home, make dinner, find something to watch and get ready for the gym.  the only writing i'm doing after this today is going to be on Mechanical Jesus and/or The Book of Old Lazarus.  i feel good, and that's good enough for this moment.  thank you, Jehovah, for your every kindness.