...well. this has been interesting. I didn't realize until this morning that it's been a month since i began this journey. i think this is going to be a review type day. it is an awesome and scary feeling. i know that when i started this i had big year-long plans, but they quickly simmered down, as a boiling pot does when you turn down the heat, into one day at a time. and in that respect, it has been pretty good. the ups and downs have been kind of amazing. what has transpired in the course of a month? what does it indicate for the future? but enough marination...
quick today update: i woke up, prayed, had breakfast. sugar is okay, took my meds and insulin. i'm taking Syd to bus stop and myself to the gym. another day of diabetes education. another day, maybe, with R. still feeling out of sorts from yesterday, but i believe this has turned from a dance to a boxing match, albeit one of those long, drawn out defense oriented boxing matches. i think maybe therein lies the problem. more on that later probably.
september 12 was when i began journaling but it was on the 14th i began eating more responsibly. in fact, i was rigid, and i was logging all my food intake. that is a habit i am going to resume tomorrow, as i have been pinching more between meals and my meals haven't been as structured as they were in the beginning. i don't have the discipline yet to just eat completely healthy because i should, therefore i have to keep being the guardian of my own best interest, as really everyone should. counting calories and watching carb intake is not a punishment. being sick and incapable of simple activities is not a punishment either. both will feel like a punishment but it takes a mind of reason and increasing discipline to understand that there are privileges we abuse and consequences we bring upon ourselves. this is the reality of 'doing what i want to do, all the damn time'.
i started the journey in proximity to R. i am still in proximity to her, and i have no regrets about that. i am seeing the fading away of some of my female friends, and i know that is giving me a tendency to try to place more gravity around R, but the truth is, she is what she has been for the last couple of years: a good friend, a woman who loves me, an auxiliary mind, a kindred spirit, an outlet for my lustful inclinations and the woman i most enjoy spending 'extraordinary' time with. in some ways, she has given my so much more than i ever thought she would, and in some ways, she has given me so much less than she is capable of. but...the same is true of what she's given herself, i'm sure. the same is true of what i've given myself, i know for a fact. so there is no blueprint. there is just a day added to another day. we'll be spending the morning with each other anyway, and like Talking Heads said, "nothing is better than this...or is it?"
i've seen family issues come and go. before i began this, Syd had run away from home. she was doing things that were very counterproductive in her own life. she is still doing things that are counterproductive in her own life, but she is also acting a bit more responsively. i don't want to take credit away from her, but i know she doesn't, at this time, have the skills to lead her own expedition in her life. she is too busy trying to find where she fits in to actually make decisions for herself. it is harmful to her, but in the long run, she will have to own the results of the choices she makes, as we all will. but i am trying to be more hands on, as with the realization that a child, even a teen-age child, cannot always make the decisions they need to make, and they need help. whether the can admit that to themsevles or not. the time to take hands completely off will make itself known, i am sure.
time to start motion. more later.
quarter after 8 in the morning. i've dropped off Syd. i've done my workout. only walked a third of a mile, but i did strength work today and i'm satisfied that my elbow is holding up well enough. i am going to get ready for diabetic class, and i'm pondering a good lunch for the day.
i'm still thinking back over the month. i've had times of so much inconsistency it has been ridiculous, which is prone to ridicule. but ridicule is bad for toti. i have to remember that a part of me translates with a child's ears, and therefore messages can't just be left floating for the inner me to try to understand through a haze of pain. i have to consciously translate for him, and that increases his understanding and his maturity. toti is coming along as well. i don't mind getting up for the gym. i don't mind the walking, or the attempt to walk,as this morning. i don't stay in my bubble, apart from everyone else. i speak, i laugh, i've made an amend to a woman whom i took for granted her comfort at my constant remarking on her height, when i would feel like shit at a constant, even if playful, remarking on my size. translations are dangerous without proper interpreters standing by.
I'm drinking lemon water. i don't know about all that 'it sweetens the water' crap the woman was saying yesterday. it tastes like a lemon immersed in cold water. fortunately, i've grown to like that taste. i look at the day now, with anticipation of events rather than dread at having to do something. i believe i'm making progress, which is a big part of making progress. and i want to go back to the 'defense oriented boxing match', so i don't forget.
people say Floyd Mayweather is a boring boxer, though he is undefeated in his championship career and will likely retire as such, if he doesn't get stupid at the end. the reason he seems so boring to most people? his defense is impeccable. he almost cannot be seriously hit. his father, uncle and trainers have instilled in him an understanding of the ART of boxing. its not just punching the shit out of the other guy, its not getting hit as well. so in his riches fight of all times against Manny Pacqiauo, or however you spell his last name, he made a bazillion dollars for not getting hit,not hitting very much and retaining his title. that's the deal, and like lottery tickets and unprotected sex, win or lose, you get what you get.
R and i have a history of friendship, intimacy and distance. she has faded from my life for years, because she's gone into pits of depression and not been willing to be reached. she has been as intimate with me as any woman ever has. she has said she doesn't want a relationship as she is still discovering who she is. but she has said she 'loves me to death'. she's comfortable in my space, but she has yet to really invite me into hers. she is contrary as a habit, but we get along despite our many differences of opinions. she thinks emotional content in men is 'weak', which may or may not be her playing, because when talking to her about the lack of actual emotional support in my efforts to grow and set a foundation, when i began crying she was up and holding me without hesitation. there are huge discrepancies in her dealings with me, and i'm fairly sure there are huge discrepancies in her dealings with herself.
but.
i dont' push, though i say i do. i don't because i don't want her to run, but if she does i've become able to deal with it. i am afraid of being vulnerable, but my heart is compromised because i do love her. i have times where her sarcasm irritates the shit out of me, but i am a sarcastic motherfucker. i have about two steps on her in case i need to cut and run, but i won't take them, despite all the red lights and klaxon horns sounding in the distance. we are both full of discrepancies. we are both on defense. we both feign, parry, dodge, back away, fake punches, shuffle our feet, it looks pretty, it's kind of exciting, the anticipation, that is. and then...
so, that's what i mean. i don't have a conclusion to draw yet, as i have to get ready to roll. but i am going to get back to that when i get back to this. time to get dressed.
the diabetic education class was sort of irritating to me. i guess it was just the information that didn't seem to be taken seriously by most of the class. but i think that's more my problem, and an issue that i need to work on. like, people are always childish when it comes to stuff that scares them. diabetes is a very scary thing. i remember when i first contracted it. i was afraid i was going to die. i'd been weeks and week exhausted, dry mouthed, super-thirsty. i was undiagnosed and getting worse. i actually put together the symptoms and put it together for my doctor, at which time i began treatment. but when i was in for the class, i was afraid. i didn't know what to eat, or if i should eat. i didn't eat that morning, and i took insulin and it was the first time i had bottomed out. i thought i was going to die again. diabetes is as scary as anything else i've had to deal with. and though i tried my best to absorb every scrap of information the dieticians gave us, not everyone did and at that time, it was okay. now it is irritating, because i've got a better handle on it. but it's important to remember that everyone has a beginning, everything has a timeline.
so we're here, R and i, and we've had salad and cranberry ginger ale, diet of course, and i've not touched her or kissed her or spoken of anything serious yet. i'm still contemplative. i guess it's just the month, it makes everything seem more necessary to analyze for some reason.
evening now. i took R home. i went and had coffee with my friend T. i went to see my mother, to discern the matter of some payments that apparently hadn't been made to some accounts she has. i could only find that nothing had been paid out from her bank, but i couldn't do anything about it. she was in a not-good space when i got there, and a worse-seeming space when i left. i'm not ever happy when i leave someone feeling worse than when i came, though i do it deliberately at times. this wasn't one of them, though.
syd is gone, i've had my dinner, a concoction of several scraps of things thrown together and seasoned with some heat added, and it was tasty and filling. i am feeling a bit of a cold creeping on me again, but i'm doing pre-emptive strikes at this time. i'm going to try to write for a bit, put some things down on paper, get back to a story because i need to work on one, and i'm going to try to make it an early night. i've got things to do tomorrow, a good deal of running, and it would be nice to be refreshed and ready for it for a change. a new month begins in the morning. i thank Jehovah my heavenly Father for the good month passed.
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