...i've got an issue. i am having some trouble staying focused. i'm thinking it's part of the struggle with the November depression that is lurking in my mind. i've started entries here on several different occasions and have either had to go back and catch up late in the day or have not finished them at all. as i have a goal for the completion of this year in orbit, i have to do better. but it is something that should be further addressed, this November blues that i am trying to stave off now. I am feeling strong, to be honest. i feel capable. i feel reasonable. we went over Step 10 today, and it reminded me of something. there should never be a day of self-appraisal that is done in all red ink. i have been verging on that, and it shows me that i am accustomed to thinking only critically of myself. that has to change. and i can see the changes happening, so it behooves me to begin to not only begin this thing strong, but to maintain strength and to follow through.
today i had a decent breakfast, but due to some soreness decided to rest from the gym. i got Syd to her bus stop. i got to my meeting on time, got the rent paid for September for the meeting. I got R from her appointment and got to see her briefly before my meeting. i got dinner done already, for when we get home, as we have to go to my mom's house to see about some things she's panicking about. I had lunch with Lonnie. i took my insulin to the level my endocrinologist suggested and we'll see how that works. i am going to write tonight. i'm planning for the gym in the morning. all things considered, i'm doing pretty well and maintaining, which is very important.
but i still have to log the shit that i'm eating so i can stay aware of what i'm putting into my mouth and why. cut corners eventually mean you come up short, can't be helped. and i can't afford to keep coming up short like this. so i have to do better. that's the plan, and it is possible. i just have to continue to move back toward the discipline that made September a success. and I know that i can do that.
i think R and i are moving in a good direction. we had a bit of a row, as detailed over the weekend, but we are still close. i left her here to do whatever she wanted while i went to my meeting. she was comfortable enough to heat up food and take a shower. she didn't leave the door unlocked. she is grieving, her cousin is likely not going to be in this dimension much longer. she is not a person who does emotional expression well. she is a woman who was raised by a woman raising all girls. her mother had to make sure her children could survive in a sexist, brutal and punishing world. i believe her mother succeeded, perhaps a bit too well. but despite her walls, i like this woman a lot. i love her. i'm not in love. i'm not sure what that even means anymore. i know i want to see good things happen between us, and i want to know that she's okay, no matter what that means for she and i. if that's not 'in love', it's a damn sight better than the examples i've had of 'in love'. except one.
maybe that's the real deal now. maybe after a time, you just want someone who is going to be as good to you as you try to be to yourself. because we don't treat ourselves nearly as well as we should. we don't take all the aches and pains seriously. we don't take all the meds. we don't do all the exercise we should. we resist change, we are set in our ways after a point. but i tell you this, i shared it with a brother at the meeting and it means something to me now. and then i'm done.
i look at my face, and it's the same face i've been looking at for at least the last forty-two years, or whenever i was old enough to recognize my face as belonging to me. i look at my face and i see the grays in my chin hairs, and the receding of my hairline despite my shaved head (not why i shave my head, mind you, but just so its known that i know). i see the deepness in the sink of my eyes, and the grim lines that have been etched now. and yet, i can't remember any other face on me, and that's obviously bullshit. because i wasn't born with a humorless bastard's face. i was young once, and i was hopeful and i laughed and joked and i didn't think about diabetes and high blood pressure and gout and impotence and whether getting new phones for Syd and i can be budgeted for or not. they can, by the way, but it's going to be tight.
but. and there's the thing. BUT, i have looked at this face every day for at least forty-two years,and the change has been so gradual, so minute, that this is the only face i remember. it looks the same. the eyes look the same. there's no smile, but there really never was. and with that, i realized something. a new revelation of conceit. we are not resistant to change: we ARE change. we are the change of the world around us. we are the change that happens without permission or contract. we change, and the world around us changes, and that has always been the case. and we pretend like we don't know because maybe we've forgotten that change has brought us to better things. some are abused, but we change and become large enough to face our abusers, if we dare. some are ridiculed, but we change and become clever enough to turn the tables on those who would humiliate us, if we are so inclined. and the biggest thing is, in enough time, we change enough to not give a fuck what anyone thinks about us anymore. best change of all.
a mirror works by bending light, and in the bending of light in its reflective surface, it allows us to see a backward image of ourselves. life works, pretty much, the same way. if you can dig that.
thank you, Father. it's been a pretty good day so far.
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