...i always find it strange the way a day can turn from moment to moment. this has been a good day, a productive day for the most part. and yet, the day traveled and so did i, and i am pretty intrigued by the way things go.
i started with the gym, after taking Syd to school. i did weights rather than the treadmill because i wanted to not blow out my legs. i came home and ate because i took my insulin before going to the gym and i was feeling kind of shaky. i ate, worked on a flyer for a moment and went to counseling.
counseling was interesting because i learned something that i suspected but wasn't really certain of. the 'inner child' focus of the 90's has gone away because it's not really a 'bill-able' diagnosis. it is understood, apparently, to POSSIBLY be a contributing factor to other illnesses of the mind but in and of itself it's not something that can be pinned down. now, there used to be all kinds of focus on the inner child as something to be resolved in order to reconcile with one's past and to gain a better foothold on one's present. i have personally seen some of the power that comes with looking back into those places, when i was at Parkside and the psycho-drama director lead a client through one. i saw the fear, the apprehension and the running away from the power that was being brought to bear by the symbiotic efforts of both the director and the client, and though that individual's experience was not successful, i knew it would be something i would go into. i had a very powerful session myself, that i hadn't run from, that reduced me to the most gut-wracking sobs that i'd experienced up to that point in my recovery, upon 'seeing' the family dynamic laid out for me and the way i had just buried my child behind that wall to protect him from the harsh treatment at the hands of peers and relatives alike. it was a cathartic moment, and a watershed moment in my recovery. it has, in fact, altered how i direct people through their 4th steps when i sponsor. not that i take them through a psycho drama, but i do ask them to purge all their negative thoughts and feelings they may have towards the people, institutions and circumstances in their lives, and when they are done with the vomiting of their resentments, asking them to go through those resentments and find the ones that are also applicable to their own personalities. it has been effective in allowing the recovering person to see the need for genuine restitution as a way of freeing onself from the dual bondage of holding a grudge against someone else, and it has given them a better sense that it is one small world, and that we are none of us exempt from the negative emotions that assail us.
so i am looking at a relationship with my inner child. i am looking at what he has been through, what I have put HIM through, and how to reconcile that today. i am looking at befriending that part of myself that has always resented and hated myself and the rest of the world.
so VF and i did talk about some inner child stuff, and i went to take my friend the food i'd promised weeks ago but had not had the opportunity to deliver on, and then i went to see R with plans for coffee. R ended up with some things that she needed to do, so i took her to do her things, and had lunch and made ready for tomorrow. it's fun hanging out with R, because we ride through the things that we both share in defense mechanisms, such as our sarcasm, and our fussing. she helps me see things that i am not aware of and i am able to address them that way, and i hope i do the same for her, though she says i always put a positive spin on things she finds negative in herself. we're going to watch a movie tomorrow and hang out, and eat some food, and talk, and rest, and just chill. and that's a really nice thing for me. it's really something when there's someone you care enough about that you would do about anything for them, and then you find that anything is just the things that make the most impact, which are never really hard things. that means a lot to me.
i guess what i'm finding is that despite some really good changes that i've made, i've not been especially kind to myself over these years. i've been sort of an asshole toward myself, and that has often rubbed off on people whom i actually cared about. i don't know why i do this, but it's evident that i do. defense, partly, and having come to some kind of very warped summation that sarcasm, smart-assedness and scorn are somehow acceptable forms of expressing love. and i know that's bullshit, but you couldn't tell that by a lot of people whom i've called 'friends'.
so i know that out there, at the end of my universe, is a wall. and behind that wall is a lonely, scared, fat and angry child, the Tim on the inside, and he's been alone a long time. he's watched and he's waited for me to make others keep their promises, which is impossible to do. he's thrown justifiable tantrums out of his being neglected, and those tantrums have manifested in my surface life. but we are linked through spirit (something that wasn't included in the 'inner child' work of the 90's either) and i am capable of being his friend today. i am. because he and i both need the same thing. so i'm trying to be kinder to him, and by proxy i'm trying to be kinder to other people in my life. and maybe, just maybe, eventually he'll forgive me and come out and find peace. and then we'll see what a life where pain and resentment has been sacrificed takes me, what levels i will be allowed to attain. helluva thought. i am grateful to God for this day, and i hope i remember to be grateful tomorrow as well. ciao.
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