pulse

the week begins.  i slept a solid sleep and woke about four-thirty, alert and refreshed.  after fucking around a bit online, a bad habit that must be broken, i said my prayer and got dressed for the gym.  i saw R had been up again last night and may have still been up so i sent a good morning.  got back a good morning and a notice that she'd been having a rough day emotionally.  i sent love and support as best i could and went to the gym after catching a bit of Richard Pryor's 'live on the sunset strip', still one of the finest comedy performances ever done.  mostly because, a lot of people don't realize how much emotional pain Pryor revealed in that bit.  if you've never been addicted to freebasing (or smoking crack) then you may not be able to relate.  but i was and am, and i could definitely feel his recollection on a visceral level.  anyway, i went on to the gym, got a mile in on the treadmill (thanks, toti) and did some reps on some weight machines.  i got home to the coffee pot just finishing brewing for the morning and i had a cup of coffee and a big glass of lemon water.  my blood sugar was 169, a bit high, not high enough for me to change my strategy of insulin intake though.  i am going to call my endocrinologist as R suggested, make sure i'm doing right things.  as well, i am going to put in an application for the 911 dispatcher again.  i may not get it.  i know what went wrong last time.  i know i had things on my record that shouldn't have been there, things i knew nothing about.  i am hoping, i am PRAYING, that everything is clear now, but if its not then at least i'm putting in effort.  i found a corruption in Open Office, so i can officially apologize to toti about the loss of Mechanical Jesus, and i can actually thank him because this re-write is so much better.  i feel good.  shoulder is sore, and i can still feel this cold laying in wait on my ass, but that's just life on life's terms stuff.  you can't do anything about five minutes from now, because in five minutes it will have retreated back five minutes.  existentialism...

return to the food/calorie log:
breakfast -
2 boiled eggs - 144
1 wheat toast - 69
1/2 cup grapes - 60
total calories -273

not a bad way to start the day.

...and then...

well, the food log is shot to hell.  i went to lunch with my homie, and there went calorie counting and all that shit.  i am really having to look at what my adult mind is trying to do.  i got good results last month, but i'm riding on two wheels now, and the vehicle is four wheel drive, and that's a problem.  i had bunless burgers and some eggplant spaghetti for dinner, but the point is i have to monitor it all.  i can't relax, or i can't get lax, rather.  because if i do, the result is out of control eating, food fiending, and back to the insanity.  i think part of the problem, as it would be if i were observing such behavior in a drug addict or alcoholic supposedly involved in the working of the program, would be a lack of willingness to change.  I have a chance to make a big difference in my own life.  i know the sacrifice must be made if the next level is to be reached.  but i keep losing momentum.  the next thing will be just gorging on chips, or not writing except as an afterthought.  approaching that already.  discipline isn't something you get and have, like a nickname or a social disease.  discipline is something that must be reinforced every day, or one becomes undisciplined, such as it were.
i went to lunch with Lonnie.  had a decent lunch, good conversation. i came home, did some writing.  i saw Syd in from school and then out the house with a friend.  i ate early just to get it out of the way.  i didn't check my level, just took my fast acting and had dinner.  i did some more writing.  i did the things i needed to do today, and that's good, and i give toti the credit for that.  but i have to get back on point.  not because i have to be anally rigid but because the more rope you give me, the more elaborately i'm going to set out to hang myself.  that won't always be true, but it's true right now.  and right now is what matters the most.
i hope i can allow myself more clarity tomorrow.  thank you, Jehovah, for a day of learning.