I love this kind of edit on an image, because it's how i feel often. i feel like i'm existing in two different realities at the same time, like two completely different frequencies occupying the same space. it's pretty weird, usually, and it does have a way of leaving me unsettled and just a tad out of sorts, but i've been this way for a long, long time. i am pretty sure i was this way in high school, and it has yet to abate, so i figured it may do me some good to speak on it a bit today.
like, i got up and didn't go to the gym today. it wasn't deliberate, for once. i was prepared to go after i got Syd up and made sure she was fit and in motion for school. but she was still running a temperature and feeling nauseous, so i kept her home. then i had my breakfast, boiled eggs and toast and strawberries, and i started my plans for the day, which included the gym, but i knew in my heart that if i didn't hit it first thing in the morning it wasn't going to happen. so i decided on my neighborhood walk.
i got Syd settled, got ready to go to the store and saw the mail had come and there was a letter from school. she's not doing well in three of her four classes, and of course they're all the academic classes. so i told her she needed to get her head out of her ass and went on with my things. but here's the new frequency shift. as i was out, it came back into my head, what i said to VF on friday, 'kids can't raise themselves'. no matter what, i had to look at me. and i had to own my part. so i went to the store, i got stuff for dinner and i got some other stuff. i stopped in on my mom and aunt. my dad called and said he had a ride and i didn't need to go pick him up. and i came home and talked to Syd. i talked to her about the part that i've played in her life, about being often depressed and not as much a presence as i should have been. i didn't (and won't) beat myself up, because i have been present. i have been there, and that is the most important thing. but i could have done better, and i am truly trying to, and i'm owning my shortcomings and working on them. the evidence of that is in me typing this and being four out of four weekdays with physical activity (have not done that since i started fumbling through being more physically fit, so landmarks all around). i told her she had to get honest with herself, about her patterns, her habits up til now and how if she didn't learn to treat herself better than a person who can't commit to the things that may not be as pleasing as the things she wants to do, then jobs are going to be a pretty big problem, and college is going to be a pretty big problem. and we talked, and we both shared, and i ate a sandwich and a bowl of soup and i went for my walk. i walked a little over a mile today, and i felt good coming home. i drank a large glass of lemon water and i am now washing clothes, getting ready to start dinner, and after the first cycle of my clothes, running a bath so i can be ready for tomorrow. frequencies.
i started editing a partial version of MECHANICAL JESUS that survived and is on a thumb drive, because the one i was almost done with was going waaaaaaaay left of its beginning, and its much easier to go over it now and course correct than it would have been to reconcile it when it was completely done. God doing for me what i wasn't going to do for myself? frequencies.
talking to toti, letting him know that i love him, that we did a good walk, that we pushed further than we had to and it was a good thing, it feels strange giving him a name, but it also feels right. tim on the inside. frequencies.
long as i don't start talking to him all the time in public places with crazy laughter, i guess.
i talked to R for a bit yesterday. we're supposed to hang out this weekend. hoping that happens, but i will be okay either way. should i walk my mile during the weekend? i'm going to pray on that later.
i'm baking a chicken for dinner, with broccoli and cheese and mashed potatoes on the side. should be yum. already got some peach sugar-free jello jelling for my dessert.
i feel good, and i realize it's okay if i do. frequencies.
dinner was good, and the jello was good. i have the cabbage ready for my friend tomorrow, i made dirty rice, which if you don't know what dirty rice is, you really should. i'm going to store some of it away for saturday, as it will go nice with the spicy cabbage and R's company.
i had a thought, but it slid away from me as i sat working on the book of Lazarus. it was in the nature of frequencies, though. sort of like, you see your own face from the time you first look into a mirror and realize you're looking at yourself. you see your face everytime you look into the mirror after that. and your face, because you see it so frequently, always looks like you. but it changes. every day, it changes some way or another. some of the changes have been so minute you may not have even noticed them. we get busy looking at zits, at eyebrows and lashes, busy putting on earrings or make up, busy getting hair together, busy with posing and taking pictures these days. we may see that first gray, but we may miss that tiny spot that is just beneath our eye. we see the crows feet eventually, but we may not see the recession of the hairline until it's actually beachfront property. we see that we are old, but we forget the aging. and there is such a significance in that. we forget the aging, and life happens to us and all around us. and we're older one day, and we're old the next, and life has happened but we only saw ourselves. i don't remember looking in the mirror as a young boy. i don't remember the teenage Tim (part of the toti). I remember only my eyes, through all the years, always wondering if they would ever look happy too, like the smiles i would practice so i could present them to people when they asked for one. that's kind of sad, but i'm ending on that note for the night.
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