recalibrations

saturday morning.  sugar was great waking up, 128.  nice nice.  i woke slow, but not rough, and got up late, which was cool.  spent most of the night talking to R.  so waking after 7 wasn't too surprising.  had breakfast with my brother, talked about family things and upcoming holiday things, and am getting ready to clean and write.  i am feeling pretty good, not sluggish, alert, aware, and ready to do the things that i know have to be done today.  i guess that's about as good as you can ask for on a cold autumn saturday morning.  

i have to do some re-calibrations.  i plan to start digging again on monday, but that's the first recalibration.  i'm not going to dig for a cure, but i'm going to excavate for knowledge, which will lead to the facts about the past, which will allow me to rechart my future.  does that make sense?  i feel, at this time, i have been sort of on a guided rocket, but i've never understood until yesterday that i was just as responsible for the launching of that rocket as anyone else in my life.  i set parameters for the course that i'd been on.  i went along with the mission outlined in the dossier, and i actually made changes that made it more arduous.  i was the one the pushed the button, though others vied for the privilege.  easier way to put it is, thank you VF for helping me see how i have worked to program MYSELF for a lot of the pain that i have experienced.  it makes some of this 'inner child' work hard as fuck, because IT MAY NOT BE MY INNER CHILD WHO HAS BEEN THE SABOTEUR, BUT THE ADULT THAT I HAVE BECOME IN MY NEGLIGENCE OF MY OWN BEST INTEREST.  a child can't make decisions to not finish his education, but an adult can make a childish decision to do so.  a child can't just refuse to learn things that assertive adults seek to teach, but a passive/aggressive reactionary adult can 'forget' or 'un-learn' things that they know for the sake of being a victim, a martyr or abandoned along the way.  and if this is true of me (IF) then it could be true of so many others.  i'm not stating this as a fact; i'm stating it as a hypothesis.  i can test it, and i will, but first i have to change the parameters of the control.  i have to have a different criteria, and i'm not sure what that is just yet.  i'm so used to feeling a certain way, and i was certain that i was being sabotaged by toti, but more than likely i was sabotaging his efforts to move us forward.  (i know this is starting to sound like a personality rift, but i don't think of toti as separate, aside from the presence of the wall in my spirit.  i think of that part of myself as in need of an identity at this time so that i can hear the different messages that i've both integrated and am trying to integrate, and so i can tell what is coming from my intellect and what is coming from my emotional center.  that's the core of the toti references, to anyone who may read this and think 'this mothefucker's losing his goddamned mind!'  that's already happened.  i'm working on restoration now.)
unexpected evening.  got my cleaning done, R made arrangements to come by, though i picked her up.  my black beans and rice were pretty damn tasty.  it was a learning day.  it was a learning visit.
first static:  car on at gas pump.  me:  don't care.  R:  problem
second static:  black beans, vegetarian.  me:  that's how its done.  R:  problem
we had some words over the gas pump thing, and i'm pretty sure that's what my lack of real approachability was this evening.  but, the whole 'car can't run or start if you're pumping gas' is just mythology.  i can't really get how a person seemingly so nonchalant and confident can be afraid of so many different things.  but, we got through two movies.  oh, right.
third static: applications.  me: let's get these filled out so i can drop them off monday.  R: didn't do it.
i think toti is just letting me figure this one out myself.  i guess that's cool enough.  it was still good having someone to watch some movies with.  BROKEN, with Tim Roth.  great movie, i'd advise it.
okay, busy day tomorrow, got to hit it and get my ass in gear in the a.m.  thank you, Father, for a good, good day.