...by any other name

well, i finally missed a day, completely.  i don't know why.  i had it in mind to do this several times yesterday, but i didn't.  i don't believe it's any kind of issue, i don't think it's indicative of any particular thing.  i just don't remember being distracted by anything, i don't recall any particularly bad things occurring.  i guess it was just the sequence of things that happened yesterday.  i am on my way to a diabetes education class with R.  i will continue this when i'm done.
so, i started yesterday at the gym.  got up at five and hit the gym by five thirty.  got in a good forty-five minute workout and then got Syd off to school on time.  i ended up at my mom's house early because i had to get some things for the dish she asked me to make.  had a conversation with my mom about her and my dad and the issues they've been having lately, the same issues they've had for all my life.  it was very sad, because it brought about some realizations that i hadn't had before, and left me wondering if i am actually able to be any kind of catalyst for change.
after i left, i went to the store, got some other things and went home.  i worked on three different dishes because i had to fix what my mom asked for, as well as dinner for syd and myself.  i was tired but my mind kept running over things that my mom had spoke about.  her having my oldest brother and the tumultuous relationship between herself and her mother.  her relationship with my dad and how she didn't get with him because of love but just to escape her mother's home.  the early years of my dad's alcoholism.  there was a lot of stuff that was leading me toward what i wanted to know, which was about my brother's birth and the possible emotional scar that may be keeping her from moving in any other direction.  but i didn't want to push too hard, as sometimes what you seek to pry can break, and if you don't have the tools to repair something you shouldn't fuck it up.  sort of a street level Hippocratic oath.
so i finished the day with talking to R, eating my meat loaf, finishing the cover for Mechanical Jesus and posting a preemptive flyer on Facebook.  i put on some relaxation sounds and crashed out hard.  i woke this morning rough, didn't make it to the gym, i got breakfast, took a bath and got ready for the diabetes education class with R.  we had a discussion on latent sexuality which was interesting.  we seem to be able to range across a great deal of topics without reservation.  i enjoy that in a person.
we met at the hospital and sat through the first day of diabetic education.  there were things that i learned, things that i feel i could modify in my insulin intake to get better coverage and results.  we left and got lunch and came back here.  we ate and went through some job stuff to put in applications for R and get her resume together.  i am enjoying the time we get to spend.
there should be a 'but' here, but i don't want to put one there.  i still don't have the entirety of R in my life.  we are both going through things, and it's not the most conducive situation to be romantic in, but for both of us, this is the life that we have, the time we have to share, and the things we choose to do.  i don't force emotions upon her, and she hasn't forced them upon me.  i just want to be able to know she goes as deep down into this thing as i do.  and yet, if i get too intrusive and ask, i'm afraid she'll run.  and one thing i do know about love:  you should not have to spend so much time worrying about the validity of it when you're trying to invest in it.
i am finding myself snacking more often.  i am approaching my time for a weigh-in, and i don't believe i've lost any significant weight.  but i'm feeling better, and my mind is sharper.  i just need to re-calibrate and move forward.  gym tomorrow.  R tomorrow, diabetes class.  it's going to be what it's going to be, and my only real choice is to go through it to see how it turns out on the other side.  i'll let you know.