...okay, wow, this has been a miserable three days. i didn't think it was that bad Monday night. i have been sneezing, snotting, coughing, aching, congested, blowing my nose, taking meds, feeling weak. i've been on the go, doing the things that have to be done, but it's not been like a ton of overwhelming happiness and joy. sick. and it just comes with being alive. it's a good perspective to be able to maintain, but in the end you just feel bad and eventually you feel better and you forget that you felt bad. strange, how that happens. my sponsor used to say 'if a woman could remember how childbirth felt when it was happening she'd never have another child'. not being women, i'm sure we were just speculating, but i believe there are elements of truth to it. there are people who live in such sheer terror of pain that one experience is all they allow themselves. they won't cook because they burned themselves. they won't commit to another heart because they've been burned. i think unhappiness, sometimes, is the inability to either learn from the bad times or to forget them outright.
so, yesterday my eating was pretty good. my sugar's have been good, the insulin use is still lower than last month. i got to the gym despite my sick but i think i'm taking R's advice and just laying back today. i end and begin a month with a little money in the bank, that's always nice. i got up and made breakfast for Syd, french toast and bacon. i am still stuffy, still weak, but i said my prayer and i am moving forward. but i am heading back to my bed. maybe i can at least do some systems check from there, but no more half done entries. discipline isn't just doing a thing just to do it, it's doing it for a purpose and staying diligent with it. or, i think it is. anyway, that's the beginning of the day. now, for some meds and some bed.
btw, that is not a picture of me today, but its a good impression on how this shit's got me feeling. nonetheless, i did some things that i needed to do. i cancelled a membership with a company that was on my to-do list. i told a friend that it would be preferable for them to lodge elsewhere in their time of renovation as i do have someone that i'm talking to. that was kind of weird. i'll speak on that for a moment. this friend, A, i've known for at least twelve, thirteen years. met her when i came to visit once from Columbus. have had an attraction toward her since i moved back. good woman, very serious spirit. we've been friends and more, but we don't really click. not with any consistent rhythm. i'm not sure why, but i trust my gut enough to listen to it on this matter. she's just...kind of brittle, i guess. i can't explain it. anyway, we've been intimate, as i alluded to. and she's very fun in bed. but she's not really emotionally available, though if i needed something she'd be there asap. now, she is my friend, and i love her as such, very much. and for her to need a place to crash while they're re-doing some things in her crib ain't really an issue. but the thing is, while we spoke yesterday and she asked, she said 'if i need to make other arrangements just let me know, cause i don't know what you've got going on in your personal life'. see, that't the thing for me. A don't know because A don't ask. she don't ask, she kind of assumes things. and i don't really do assumptive people too much or too well anymore. i would make arrangements for her to stay here. i have no problem with that. she'd bring her own pillows, comforter, sleep on the couch, eat, drink coffee, take showers, go to work and life would go on. but when she says, 'well, just tell me, because you've been elusive, i've been trying to go on dates with you but you're always busy, like you don't want to be bothered...', that's sort of not true. once, she called, while R was here, and i told her i had a friend over, and she said 'they're going to be there all day?', and i said, well, yeah, and she said okay and hung up. now, if it wasn't any problem...if it didn't give the indication of being an issue...i would have said 'it don't matter, just come and chill'. but i see the potential for future complications, and i don't want that. besides, i told R that i was going to be above board with what i do, and i intend to stick to that. no matter what. if you don't do things in secret you have no secrets to hide or reveal, simple how that works.
my head hurts. its more like my sinuses are hurting but i'm not prepared for that. i'm going to the gym in the morning. i'm going to counseling tomorrow. i've got to hit some stores for supplies. i wish i was better. i miss R. but i'm not going to get her sick. i managed to get back and write in this thing. cool. dinner was salad and two salmon croquettes, last two thank heavens. lunch was hot & sour soup and chicken wings. had two pieces of peanut butter bread, one after lunch, one after dinner. i am sleepy, need meds and some down time, but not the sleep medicine tonight. going to put on some meditation to curtail the medication, and well see what tomorrow brings when it gets here. thank you, Father, for a day of rest.
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