well, it's sunday evening now. i have a call to make in exactly fifteen minutes to a guy i said i would sponsor. i haven't called him before now, because i have been engaged in a fight that i didn't know i was caught up in. this fight has been with my inner child, and it's been pretty bad. mainly because i haven't known i was fighting it, and also because i have acknowledged my powerlessness and therefore i have to allow this fight to happen without self-will. this is a bit strange for me. but i figure if anyone is going to win the day here, it's going to be my God and not me. so, there's that. then i went to my meeting, i sold my last book, yay, but i have to get the rest of my shit taken care of. that 's sort of the problem. this has consumed me, this journey that i'm on. it's not supposed to be that way, i think. i can't say for sure, because the process of surrender means i don't really know what the outcome is supposed to be. i only know that i'm supposed to be doing things, and i am supposed to be good at my word and i am going to fight but i have to fight this with kindness toward a child that wants to tear down all my progress because it's going to set him up to be hurt. schizophrenia, anyone?
let's start this at the beginning, okay?
so i'm still sort of reeling behind losing my book. and i have been trying to get things up and running on my computer since i did the system recovery. things haven't been wanting to download and update as they should. i'm thinking, really and truly, that i need to just be happy with windows 7. its easy, i like how its laid out, i've got security essentials updated so my computer is protected. so what i don't have the solitaire collection? i've got books to write and my friend Karl is supposed to be bringing me a windows office i can use instead of open office, which should prevent things from going wonky again.
problem is...i want my system back the way it was. i hate regression. i hate when i have something and i lose it on a humbug. i hate having to start over. and the child in me knows that. but starting over again means going back to the safe place, for the most part. so the question is, did the inner child sabotage me? was this some indication of a walled off personality, an actual sentient persona within me that is capable of independent action? and doesn't this sound pretty fucking crazy even as i'm writing it? it does. but that doesn't rule out the possibility. despite the improbability, it's possible. and therefore, i have to have some tools with which to fight. but the fight can't be to the death, it has to be a fight of awareness. and that's going to be tricky.
so i did my meeting this afternoon. eating has been a little strange. i ate breakfast good. i ate three hot dogs and one piece of bread for lunch. i ate three chicken fingers and some pizza cheese at the meeting. and i had spicy cabbage, beef roast and a half cup of diced potatoes for dinner. i am planning for the gym in the morning, and i am planning on stretches tonight. i guess i can say i feel good, but i don't. i feel sluggish. i feel as if my brain is being co-opted by something outside or inside of myself. and i feel like i want to go to sleep but i want to find out shit. it's very weird.
an event horizon is essentially the perceivable point of no return. it's the place, as with a black hole, in which someone outside will see the things being pulled into it being affected by the gravitational force, but the people or things caught in that gravity won't experience anything strange or unusual, nothing especially.
that is kind of how i am feeling right now. i feel as if i am trapped in this child's gravitational pull. i feel the effects of him being there, of the things that are important to me being sucked inside his resentment and pain, and i feel as if i can't do anything to break that pull. but people on the outside don't see this happening. they only see me doing life as i've mostly always done it. and therefore, they really can't be much help.
its scary for me, because i know my capacity to fuck up. that is real and documented. i am able to ruin a good thing with barely any effort at all. but, on the other side of the world. i do the things i do and people think it's great, and that i am such a good person. but i don't believe that, because it's not my reality. it's not in my frame of existence. i think that's where sanity kicks in and insanity becomes the yardstick you have to measure your sanity against. i know i'm on the right road; but i haven't done much to convince the child inside me that things are cool. i don't even think i know how to do that. so, i hope VF will be able to help me friday. because i can't stop now, but i feel like i'm going to get sucked into this thing, and if i do, what happens to my life?
i'm going to think on this for a bit. i have things to do and things i'm waiting on, and then i'll finish this after those things are done.
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