...there is something to be said about doing this every day since i got started. i guess that is a form of discipline, so i can look at it as movement in the right direction. however, i am doing incomplete logs, because life stuff has been getting to me. like the flu last week, like the issues with my book getting eaten, having to run a system recovery on my desktop which erased windows 10 and defaulted me back to windows 7, like windows 7 not working properly, like microsoft security essentials not wanting to update and leaving my computer unprotected. and so on and so on and scooby dooby doo, which if i'm not mistaken means hanna-barbara got the name of the cartoon from Sly and the Family Stone, which is really kinda cool. but, everything for a purpose. i am still logging, and i'm still trudging, and tomorrow i'm going to be back in systems check, because we can't really explore until we make sure we got what we need and we get rid of the garbage, because who wants to travel with a ship full of shit? so, here we go...
and here i am. howdy! its monday morning. been a pretty eventful weekend. told you about my child and her heartbreak. told you about the computer stuff and the book getting swallowed like Jonah and the fish or...well, never mind any other analogies. but i got up today, other than missing R, feeling pretty good. i was sleepy, as my sleep was sort of fitful last night and i had a cramp in my thigh this morning that drove me to my knees, but i prayed while i was there, so i guess maybe God just grabbed a hunk of my fat and said 'get it going, mofo!' it's possible. my God is hip. so, i prayed, and i got up and got coffee brewing and drank some and saw the computer wasn't updating and i turned off my MAN stew for the moment and had a couple cups of wonderful coffee...i'm of the opinion that all coffee tastes better on a monday morning, employed or not. i got Syd to her bus stop and i came home and checked my sugar and had breakfast, two scrambled cheese eggs and a piece of toast. got a loaf of brownberry bread over the weekend, much more preferable than the regular 'tan' bread that they call wheat. as i said, i was still some sluggish so i nodded out for a bit, but the urge was on me to start grazing. so i paid bills, and i followed up on something that needed to be followed up on, and i went for a walk.
now, that's important. i don't know for sure if the JCC was open today or not. but i was told it might not be, and so my inner child, as we've learned to do (is that the 'we' that i'm referencing when i start these entries? i don't know, but it kinda makes sense) was trying a sort of 'dual-directional passivity' to avoid any kind of exercise today. here's how it works; i think of different exercises i can do at home. like, starting sit-ups and push ups, or just some good stretches, which in the long run would help with these cramps. then, as the day moves forward, i try to convince myself that i've waited too long, and then i can make plans for the next day, knowing there is a part of myself that relishes in the fact that i did myself a wrong that i could easily have righted. this happens often, and though VF suggested that my inner child may not be capable of engineering the compromising of my almost completed manuscript, the fact that i am completely divided on the issue of my personal improvement in pretty significant in indicating the force that the child inside me has learned to wield over the years. such as the struggle that i just engaged in. i'm am fixated on a small, half-empty bag of chips on the table. its been there for the better part of a week. i feel irritated with myself for the desire, but the fascination is real. i can't help but wonder...why? i had soup and a sandwich for lunch. i had grapes for a snack not long ago. so there is no hunger. it can only be frustration. doing this computer, having this microsoft office disc not booting up or downloading. amazing how easy it is to just say 'fuck everything' and stick something in my mouth. i have to learn to talk the child down with kindness, the re-education has to take place with the disciplining or there will be no permanent or lasting change. there's an awareness for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment