so...beginning a new month. beginning a new day. both are significant. but this is about moving forward, so i want to make sure i draw the distinction between the two. it's not a restart of a month, so much as i continue on this journey. my projected orbit time is a year, so i am only one/twelfth completed. but at the same time, each new day brings with it a new focus, a new perspective, and therefore the need to journal continues. i believe tomorrow, during my cleaning time, i am going to continue my systems check so that i can get back to the work at hand, but for now...
i think i mentioned yesterday that i've lost nearly fifteen pounds. that is a good job, and i thank my inner self for allowing me to see the wisdom at our disposal. but that's not the entire picture.
see, a year ago, i was shooting between sixty and eighty units of Levamir, a long-acting insulin, into my body in two installments. i now do one shot of 20 units of long acting. i was shooting about twenty to twenty-two units of Novolog, a fast acting insulin, about three times a day, and now i do between 8 and ten units, twice a day. my sugars had been as high as the high 200's, now they're about 140 on waking. what i mean to imply is it's movement in the right direction. and i didn't convey that yesterday. and i don't know why.
today i had two scrambled eggs with a small amount of cheese and a piece of toast for breakfast. breakfast is still a good eating time for me. i don't mind the egg reduction, and it gives me what i need to start my day. when i still feel the hunger, i can now clearly see that it's not toti that is craving. it's the grown, self-centered, self-indulgent, spoiled and scared adult that i have become. it's such a chore, trying to figure out who's actually behind that damned wall. but, it's one month in. in a year, the picture will be much clearer. i need revelation and not precognition.
for lunch i had a hamburger, yay! i found the bread the ladies at the diabetic education class were talking about, the light bread wherein two slices are 90 calories and constitute one serving. it was good to have what i wanted. wish i'd gotten some soup to go with it, but we enjoyed what we ate. for dinner, i made an eggplant spaghetti with orange, yellow and red pepper slices, onion and mushrooms in a red sauce. i have to work on my eggplant for the consistency of the eggplant itself, but the dish was very tasty. made a nice side salad to go with it. i ate my last muffin and had some sugar-free jello.
i had counseling today. VF was sad because of things in her life. i always feel a bit more sedate when she lets her armor crack just a bit. i also feel bad to an extent, as if it were me that evoked this sadness. i know that's not the case, but even though i am a self-saboteur, i am a care-taker by nature. i am blessed to have her in my life though, because she is intuitive and very accurate in her assessments. it helps to have a counselor who actually pays attention and feeds back with authority. weak counselors are useless to just about everyone, my opinion, which means nothing at all.
i washed clothes. thats all i managed to do today. my landlord came by and tried to get me to buy into some kind of pyramid scheme thing, Primerica. that may not be fair; it may not be a pyramid scheme. i do remember, though, in Columbus while i was in my job drought, i applied to them and they wanted me to buy licenses to begin to learn their thing, which was sort of sucky since i didn't have money and if i did, i wouldn't have been at primerica in the first place. but there's a lot of people who do that kind of stuff. i don't feel compelled to venture into that because one thing is for sure. when you know people are seeking out the poor and the struggling to sell their party favors to, you know some kind of bad things are going to follow. but that's neither here nor there.
after counseling i came home. i got the Awake and the Watchtower from two brothers who came to call on the next door neighbor. i will probably go to the kingdom hall on sunday. early meeting, at nine thirty, so i can do that and my CA group. i had wanted to start cleaning but that didn't happen. so tomorrow. cleaning, a walk, writing. and i have black beans in the crock pot for black beans and rice for tomorrow. that is happiness right there.
what i have to remember is this: patience, progress and perseverance. i am not in a hurry. and i am doing much better than i sometimes believe, and much MORE than i sometimes acknowledge. i have some good things happening. but i tend to look through the refracting pool, where close up things seem far away and things across the waters seem close enough to touch. it's important to be able to just say, 'enough is enough!' sometimes, that's all the situation requires. sometimes not, though.
i guess that's it for today. above all else, i am blessed. Jehovah, thank you.
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