Sept 12 – I AM MY OWN SATELLITE
it's
saturday, september 12. i'm sitting at my computer, trying to figure
out how to really begin this. i picked this blog page because i
wanted something that i know nothing about, so that i can learn it as
i learn me, and we can maybe grow together. my name is Timothy Z, or
timothy thomas in plain english. Timothy Z is my author name and the
title i use for the philosophy i've been evolving for the past four
or five years, with is the Ugenetics Institute. more on that later.
this
is going to be happening because i am a food fiend. i've tried to
find a way to say it without diminishing it's impact. see, food
addict is not adequate because everyone is addicted to food. doesn't
matter if you are eating a little or a lot. if you stop eating, you
die. so we are all habitual eaters when the desired effect is to
live. but that's not where it ends for me.
i
am a food fiend. like a dope fiend, or a stinking drunk. i eat
because it does something to me internally, it does something to my
mood. i eat because food is a drug for me. it has been all my life. i
am a recovering addict, i am a recovering alcoholic. those things
combined mean i am an obsessive/compulsive by nature. but food was
number one. it was the equalizer, the pacifier and the neutralizer.
it's been all those things for me. and i guess, to an extent, it
still is. i've used food for the blues, for celebration, for love,
for hate, for despair and hope. i've used food to reward myself, and
to punish myself. i've used food when i'm lonely and i've used it as
social lubricant, since i don't drink or do drugs any longer. what i
haven't done, since 1990 or so, is use food in moderation. i haven't
used food as just a means of quelling hunger since i was diagnosed as
a compulsive overeater. but the thing is, i don't know if i believe
that about myself. what i believe is that i resist change, and
therefore i suffer the consequence of conformity to bad things. i am
on a ton of meds, because of my weight related ailments. i take
twelve different pills a day, not to mention three different kinds of
diabetic injections. so, it dawned on me yesterday, that i'm actually
rather chemically dependent once again. and still, i think in terms
of the next meal during the current one, or the meal tomorrow rather
than the activities that i could be doing.
i
hope you're getting the picture. as well as high blood pressure and
diabetes, i have congestive heart failure. i could die at any time.
it's scary, but i've never really been bothered by the thought of
death. i was suicidal for a long time. i think romancing your own
death for a long period of time sort of numbs one to dying. but
that's my thought, i don't say that's everyone's reality. i have a
pain in my right shoulder that i'm truly afraid of though. i have
thoughts that it will mean i will have to have my arm cut off,
something about an injury and diabetes. i hope its just paranoia. i
also have pains in my knees. i also have a lowered sex drive. i also
have vision issues. i also have neuropathic pain in my fingers, as
well as numbness, and i have trouble sleeping and staying awake. this
all stems from my weight issue.
mind
you, i'm not especially ashamed of this. i used to be. i used to be
despairing, because i was tormented about my weight as a child. but i
grew to be someone that i like being. and i grew to be someone that i
knew was lovable, so i do love me. but liking all this sickness, all
this exhaustion, all this mental confusion? that's not reasonable at
all. so here.s the thing...
what
i want to do is change in the next year. i want my health back. i
want my life back. i want to not be on a ton of meds. nothing is
going to change regarding the damage to my heart, but i don't have to
die from the 'complications due to obesity; so to give myself a
chance to account for what must be done, this will be a public forum.
i will hold myself accountable for daily change and daily logging,
and you will read or not, but it won't be because i am unwilling to
share. and when the year is done, we'll see where i've come to. but
that's what this is. i have to launch myself into a year long orbit
around the sun...i have to be my own satellite, so that i can learn
to inspire myself. i'm going to let you know how that goes. the
picture i've posted, if it actually posts, is me. i am not going to
pose anything. but it is as much of me as a picture i have on hand
shows, and it definitely reveals i am not small at all. so, i've two
days before the dieting begins, but i wanted to let you know where
i'm at right now.
Sept 13 – The ME I'll One Day Perhaps
Be
Sept 14 – Day One: LAUNCH
okay,
i'm beginning officially today. it's the first day of the new year on
the Jewish calendar. that means i have promises to keep, and though i
may have miles to go before i sleep, i'm only doing this one day at a
time. we start with the first step, modified. i acknowledge i am
powerless over my food lust, and it has made my life totally
unmanageable by me. yesterday, for example. i had two eggs, scrambled
with cheese, and two pieces of toast for breakfast. not unreasonable.
but for lunch: two pieces of fried chicken, haluska, pasta with sauce
and pepperoni, potato salad, and sweet potato pie (feel like i'm
missing something). i ate m&m's throughout the evening. i ate
four generic oreo cookies. i had three pieces of fried chicken and a
lot of potato and sausage roast for dinner. i didn't take my evening
or afternoon insulin. i wake up feeling achy, sluggish, weary. i
slept poorly. these are the things that when reflected on make me
know that i am powerless. i drank a lot of water, but how much water
can one drink to dilute eating like a garbage disposal?
so,
i begin my day with taking my insulin. i will have one cup of coffee
this morning. i will have water with my pills. and i will have a
sensible breakfast.
my
blood glucose was at 259. likely because i didn't take any
other insulin yesterday. average on waking is about 119. my
weight is currently around 400. i have obviously to me been
much heavier, but i've also been lighter. i don't have a target
weight. i have a target health, and dropping weight will help
me achieve that. i want to rid myself of as much of this
medicine as possible. i don't want to live the rest of my life
dropping pills just to regulate my metabolism. i'm pretty sure
dying wouldn't be as bad as living like this, but this life doesn't
belong to me. the life that i held, free and clear, i lost the
rights two on November 27th, 1988. that was when it got as bad
as it could get on cocaine and drugs and alcohol and i was given a
'loaner' life. it hasn't been a bad one, but the main dis-ease,
the food lust, the food fiending, has gone on, checked on occasion
but never check mated because i'm not good with the endgame. so,
today is powerlessness. i've boiled an egg for my breakfast.
with it, i'm going to have some grapes, and some cheese. my
shoulder is knotted and popping. i've heard nothing back yet on
the x-rays that they had me get. i am really beginning to
wonder why anyone would choose to subscribe to medical practitioners
as 'healers'? they rely on sickness for their bread and butter;
people who rely on crime for their livelihood make laws to be
broken to create criminals. why wouldn't people who do medicine
create patients by allowing sickness to continue? it's a
thought worth thinking.
what
do i really want to see in the rest of this life? this is
something that goes through my mind a lot. for some things,
there are no clear answers. my daughter is almost grown. i
worry about her, but every parent who is not completely sociopathic
does the same thing. i'm pretty sure happiness is going to be
elusive for her, because she is hoping (it seems) that someone is
going to come along and fill a void that she herself has kept
excavated. she has to fill it in with useful and positive
things about herself, which is the only thing i can see that will
change her feeling of abandonment by her mother. but when the
abandonment is real, the solution tends to seem outside one's grasp.
regardless,
she'll be grown. graduated in two years. i'll be 49 then.
i doubt i'll live to see sixty. that's not really
problematic. i just want something to show for my time on
earth. i've written a lot, considering. by this year's
end, i should have finished another book, a screen play and at least
one new collection of poetry. my friend told me last night that i
should start looking at new memories. she has such a depth, and
she downplays it all she can, but i count on it. the picture
that i posted is when i was on top of the poetry scene in columbus
ohio. i was good, but i wasn't happy. i didn't know i
wasn't happy at that time, but i wasn't. i was taking care of
two children, working a job i didn't really care for, and working
with a group of poets who were pretty much all crazy. self
included. but there were things about that guy i was then that
i did like. he had clear vision. he wasn't afraid to take
chances. he was someone that others could believe in, even if
he never tried to assume he was just such a great thing.
breakfast:
1
slice mozzarella cheese
1/2
cup 2% milk
1/2
cup black grapes
1
boiled egg
calories:
apprx. 259
my
friend R came by this morning, she had to do some stuff on the
computer. she's one of my favorite people in the world, and she
is very much loved and appreciated by me. i hate that she's
going through such a rough time. i wish i could do more to help
her, but i will do what i'm able to do. anyway, she gave me
what i needed, as she always does. it constantly makes me
wonder about the world in which we live. why is it so hard to
be compassionate for most people? why are most humans so damned
self-centered, so sociopathic?
i
bought her a pack of cigarettes. she bought a 2 liter diet
Sunkist for me, an Arizona iced tea for Syd (my child) and a can of
Progresso soup which i had for lunch. she let me cry on her
shoulder. it terrifies me, because it shows me the despair is
always pretty close to the surface. i don't know if i really
like knowing that. i'm not going to lose my mind, but i don't
want to ever have someone feel as if i am dependent upon them for
anything. friendship, love, whatever...its always better as
share and share alike. that's my feeling.
anyway,
i ate a can of Progresso beef vegetable soup, 220 calories, and i had
7 saltines, about 79 calories. with water to drink, my calorie
intake was 299, and i'm at 558 so far.
now,
i want to give you some comparison on this. between my
breakfast yesterday (three scrambled eggs and cheese, two pieces of
commercial wheat toast) and the two pieces of fried chicken i had at
lunch, i was at over 1500 calories. i had much more than
chicken for lunch, as well as more chicken and potatoes and sausage
and candy and cookies in the evening. i do nothing but consume,
and then i speak on not losing weight with the minimal exercises that
i do. not going to work. if i finish my eating day
correctly (one day at a time, again) i should finish at around 630
calories for dinner, and that should put me at 1188 calories for the
day. that's what i'm trying to accomplish here. to eat
responsively, not so much to restrict but to do what needs to be
done. i'm going for a walk now, and i'll finish this up in a
few hours.
i
want to finish this up for the day. i don't want to spend all
day writing on this, i've just decided that. i am going to
allot certain times for the updating of this. perhaps three
times a day, maybe after meals, so i can make sure that i'm being
honest with my eating. we'll see. i did my walk, not a
long walk but it got my heart going. my head was against it. i
don't know what the problem is, the bad communication between my head
and my heart. but whatever it is, i went, and i know what i'm
having for dinner, and i've listed where my caloric intake should
fall. if anything is different, then i'll let you know
tomorrow.
thing
is, i know i love me. i know i'm worth loving. i know
that i can lose this weight. like Willie D said, "anything
i did twice, i can do it again"...that's truth. i haven't
because it's easier to take the pills and the insulin and eat what i
want and sleep through the day and feel badly at night before i go to
sleep to do it again. but today...i've worked on both novel and
screenplay, i spent time with miss R, i've done my walk, i've spoken
to my mother, i've got nothing else slated, and i'm heading for a
nap. i've been productive. and eventually, it's going to
pay off. i know it will because it has before. my faith
is this: i am powerless over food. i am powerless over my
obsessive/compulsive nature without order and discipline, and that
doesn't come from human sources, because they're mostly as fucked up
as i am. the unmanageability in my life is from doing what i
want, accepting destructive consequences rather than changing my
focus from wants to needs and accepting constructive results. that
is addiction, and i am a food fiend. i am going to enjoy my nap
and the rest of my day. i hope you do too.
Sept 15 – REFLECTING LIGHT
tuesday,
September 15th. it's day two. it was a rough night of trying to
sleep. i tossed and turned for the whole night. at a certain point my
calves began cramping. i don't know if its from the walk i took,
after so long a period of inactivity, or if its because of the change
in food intake. i just know it falls under unmanageability for me. to
have to negotiate with my mind because doing something good for me
may bring later pain, that is unmanageable. but it comes from so long
of simply balancing dysfunction with medication. and then it brings
me solidly into step 2, coming to believe a higher power can restore
me to sanity.
now, i have to be honest. i feel this is a combination with step 3, turning my will and life over to God's care. because, the 2nd step is about acknowledging the insanity of my actions that brought me to this point, and that's easy enough to do. but the part of the 2nd step that's revealed itself to me lately is the part where other people are my example of 'change is possible'. and the only people i have to go on, for where i've set my goals, are people on the computer. i believe it is possible for me to do the things to reduce my mass in a year. i believe that's entirely possible. but what i do not know for sure is how accurate my data is from the internet. people lie, and they lie often. i've tried to be a realist, to be more pragmatic in my belief system. but i do know people who've lost a lot of weight. i know i see my friend from when i was at West, who has gotten bulked up from his exercise and weight lifting. i know my associate from high school who has gotten into body building and who was a very small and thin young man, but likely a lot of that is from performance enhancements and supplements to his diet. i know a couple of people who have done the gastric bypass, but i don't exactly like what i see happening in their mental states, and i don't intend to do this through surgical means. but i know it can be done. i've been blessed to have done it before, on two occasions, as i stated yesterday.
i want to list some of the insanity of being fat like this. i stated that i am a food fiend, that i have to put it in as real a context as is possible. well, here is the reality of being this size, and trying to live at this size. some of it, anyway.
now, i have to be honest. i feel this is a combination with step 3, turning my will and life over to God's care. because, the 2nd step is about acknowledging the insanity of my actions that brought me to this point, and that's easy enough to do. but the part of the 2nd step that's revealed itself to me lately is the part where other people are my example of 'change is possible'. and the only people i have to go on, for where i've set my goals, are people on the computer. i believe it is possible for me to do the things to reduce my mass in a year. i believe that's entirely possible. but what i do not know for sure is how accurate my data is from the internet. people lie, and they lie often. i've tried to be a realist, to be more pragmatic in my belief system. but i do know people who've lost a lot of weight. i know i see my friend from when i was at West, who has gotten bulked up from his exercise and weight lifting. i know my associate from high school who has gotten into body building and who was a very small and thin young man, but likely a lot of that is from performance enhancements and supplements to his diet. i know a couple of people who have done the gastric bypass, but i don't exactly like what i see happening in their mental states, and i don't intend to do this through surgical means. but i know it can be done. i've been blessed to have done it before, on two occasions, as i stated yesterday.
i want to list some of the insanity of being fat like this. i stated that i am a food fiend, that i have to put it in as real a context as is possible. well, here is the reality of being this size, and trying to live at this size. some of it, anyway.
okay,
so you get up, and you have to debate on the status of your knees
before you bend them to pray. you go to the bathroom to shit, and
wiping your ass is a strain and a fight, to the extent that you may
cramp up in places trying to reach to wipe. you are winded quickly,
doing practically nothing at all. you never ever really like what you
see in the mirror. your sex drive is fucked up. even masturbation is
a chore, because you may not climax, and you have to ask yourself is
it worth the effort. bathing is work. for me, the atrophy in my legs
is evident whenever i force-fold them to wash my feet. you worry
about falling always. when i was younger, it was because of the
obvious humiliation that would ensue if anyone saw me fall. now it's
because getting back up isn't as easy. plus, as i said, i have a
shoulder that has yet to heal from a fall last year. exhaustion
battles for just plain tiredness and weariness, and they usually run
a tie in their race. it is an amazing thing, being fat like this. but
as a food fiend, the only true worry has been what exactly i want to
eat, when i want to eat it. and that' s insanity. if the picture i
tried to upload comes through you can see how large my gut is. its
ridiculous, that my stomach should be this large. but another insane
thing about fat is once you're fat, it's kind of relative. you've
always seen yourself as huge. society paints a picture of you as a
freak of nature, so you see yourself in monstrous proportions long
before you actually get there. i was nowhere near as large as a child
as i felt as a child. words are magnifying glasses, when people wield
them without thought.
so
i'm placing all this in my god's hands, because i can't do it by
myself, and i can't change anything outside of this skin to make the
world kinder and more helpful. i have people who are willing to help
me, and that's a good thing. i'm going to have a two egg omelet for
breakfast, with cheddar cheese and last night's california blend
veggies inside. i'm debating on a piece of toast. mostly because i'm
contemplating a taco salad for dinner. i don't know for sure just
yet.
the
power went out after i finished breakfast. i heard something
bang outside, and then everything flashed and went blank. it
was off for a while, so i decided to take a nap. thinking back.
thinking about how people end up where they are, and sometimes
act as if they don't know how they got there. i know how i got
here. i know what happened that brought me to this place. i
know that when i was young, i ate because i was unhappy with
everything that went on in our home. all the fights, all the
arguments, all the pulling and breaking strains. i ate because
i thought it would make me big enough to be heard, but really it made
me numb enough to not care. later, i ate because i had become a
monster to so many people i felt i may as well just stay on that
course, since i had few friends, no girlfriend and faced daily
humiliation. food, then drugs and alcohol, helped me to not
feel it so sharply. then i ended up in treatment for drugs and
alcohol. i wasn't fat then. there are very few fat
hardcore dopefiends. i was what would be known in a few years
as a crackhead. but then i put the weight back on with a
vengeance. food was my original addiction. no, check
that. it was my original drug. when i was early in
sobriety, i went to treatment for my eating. i was out of
control, i couldn't walk up one flight of steps without being
severely winded. i was two years clean and lost in my own
denial. a gentleman at the treatment center, his name was Rod,
helped me with something i'd not seen before, a psycho-drama, which
made me see i hadn't actually dealt with any of my core issues and
revealed what i needed to focus on to learn to love myself. the
nutritionist, Maryann, helped me learn about what food really is, and
how one can eat and be healthy. i lost a lot of weight at that
time, and became a stranger to myself because once the physical
changes started i got lost in the attention i was getting and stopped
working on the inside. that would come much later, in Columbus,
when i was trying to maintain after both a divorce and a separation
from my daughter's mother. i went to a cardiologist who agreed
with me as i joked that if i didn't lose weight i'd be dead soon.
his name was Dr. Terry Irwin and he saved my life once more. i
did Adkins, lost a shitload of weight, and worked on myself
spiritually. but i was in the backlash of karma, and things
fell apart like Yeats said they would. now, being here in
youngstown, i am four hundred and some odd pounds again. i came
here on the verge of suicide, because i felt as if i had failed at
everything, i had lost my son, and i didn't have any options left.
my counselor, V.F., saved me, and helped me to begin saving
myself. this isn't understated. one of the problems i've
had is trying to just hold on when i'm already falling. it's
delusional and at its worst absolutely insane. if your falling,
sometimes you have to stop pretending you're not long enough to turn
toward the ground and aim for something that might just cushion your
fall. it's not the preferred thing (which would be to not be
falling), but its a hell of a lot better than closing your eyes and
pretending you're actually safe on the plane.
i'm
going to the store now, i'll get back to this in a few.
well,
this is the wrap up. cheese omelet with cali blend veggies, one
piece of toast, 289 calories. water with breakfast. one
can of chicken veggie and wild rice soup, about 220 calories, with
six saltines at 79.2 calories, 299.2 calories. noon total,
588.2 calories. i've also decided i am not going to continue to
anally monitor calories. i am going to continue, however, to
eat in this fashion, and at times when i am uncertain about what i'm
eating, i will then break down the calories and if need be the food
group, so that i can continue monitoring myself accurately. i
also had two pieces of hard salami. i'm saying this because
this was not eating for hunger, but for taste. it won't kill
me, not quickly, but i have to break that habit. i have to
accept that i can't just put something in my mouth because i want it.
i have to accept that eating makes only hunger better. i
should know these things, but in this regard, my brain is kind of
broken. i'm going to do a taco salad for dinner, minus chips or
shell. it's going to be around 543 calories, which is a high
estimate because i calculated for ground beef but decided on ground
turkey. that will bring me to 1131.2 calories today. they
say for we extremely fat people, we should clock in around 2500,
considering that many of us eat indiscriminately, and eating even
what seems a high amount of food as that is still less than we would
normally eat. but, i have a deadline. i want to be be
where i'm going by september thirteenth of next year. no walk
today, but i am going to the gym tomorrow morning. i feel
sleepy, so i'm going to take a nap. if i think of anything
else, i'll definitely let you know. ciao, homies.
p.s.
i'm
starting to like this blog space. i have to say, this is hard.
not so much the writing; the vulnerability. for me, there
is the desire to hide. i love company, but visitors are a
controlled factor. even visiting involves so much familiarity.
but the post i put up today, shirtless and sad, its a part of
me i don't like seen. i don't mean that i've the need to shuck
and jive for the people. far from it. but i have spent
enough time feeling bad about myself to just open myself up to it.
when i was a young kid, maybe elementary school, i went to day
camp with the YMCA. i remember we had to shower when we
returned to the Y. kids (boys) were popping each other with
towels, and i joined in and one big kid angrily popped the shit out
of me and called me names. i couldn't think of what i'd done to
make him so mad, but the fat names were just one more person putting
a nail in the structure i'd be living in. it made it hard for
me to allow anyone else to see me in a naked state. i got a lot
from my ex-wife with that. as bad as things were between us,
we'd go out onto the back porch after her kids were sleep, we'd sit
out naked in the moonlight. she would sit behind me and hold
me. its one of my favorite memories. so it's sort of six
of one, half dozen of the other. but i am opening myself up so
that, should anyone venture by, they will see that i'm being honest.
i don't want anyone thinking this is some plea for attention.
it's me keeping me accountable. but it's scary, i'm
admitting it. and that's good, because the courage i need has
to come from somewhere else. i love me today, and i've done
some things today that i even like. good night.
Sept 16 – THE VIEW FROM OUT HERE
good
morning. i've had a rough night sleeping again, but it was somewhat
better than the night before. my morning prayer was a bit jangled,
but i meant the thanks that i gave and need the strength that i asked
for. God's will be done.
i'm debating on oat meal for breakfast. haven't really settled on it yet. i'm going to the gym after i take Syd to school. going to walk, going to see what i can do on the weights. i hope i hear something back soon about my shoulder, but i know there's not anything that they're going to do for it. pain pills and steroid shots, that's about the extent of what they'll offer. maybe that's all that can be done for it, but i'm not going to let it stop me from my goals.
i've been thinking about the bandwagon an awful lot lately. its funny to me, the turns we've taken as a society. i'm going to start with something i have an actual opinion on, because i have to state now that where my opinions are stated, they don't matter. i've been on pedestals, i've been someone whom people have hung on their word, and that's dangerous shit. my opinion is based on my thoughts; my suggestions are based on my experiences. with that disclaimer stated:
i was reading an article online yesterday about a canadian comedienne (don't you love the feminization of certain terms?) who was accused of FAT-SHAMING fat people. now, i don't like that term. i don't like it for anything. i don't like the term SLUT-SHAMING either. i don't believe i like any of the terms that people keep attaching to situations where someone is not in agreement with them, are of a difference of opinion with themselves, or are making fun of them. i'm pretty sure the reason i don't like it is because it makes it okay for a person to do things that might just be harmful to themselves. when the term "haters" became prevalent, i felt the same way. we've become less a society than a mental institution with interlocking padded rooms. we don't so much have lives, as we have therapy sessions on the computer. when someone suggests something should be a certain way, if it has enough deniability built in, enough lack of personal responsibility in it, people will adhere to it like it was composed of Krazy Glue. and the truth no longer matters. i can't help but wonder...is this by design?
i am fat. i am no longer ashamed of the fact that i am fat. someone said, some post on facebook, 'fat is what you have, its not what you are'. that's a nice sentiment, but the truth is this is hundreds and hundreds of years of conscious programming that MAKES me fat rather that makes me see that i HAVE fat. it's the same as seeing a woman as a series of body parts and responding to the now sub-conscious programming that makes us sexually desire her based on the contours of said parts, rather than seeing her as a whole person. this is programmed behavior. it's not natural, but it has become our nature through years of inputting directives to this extent. so, now everything comes with its own special terminology to make it, not so much acceptable, but defensible from the opinions of others. as i said, opinions don't matter. even opinions programmed at a whole-society level. but when we pretend they don't matter by making some other nonsense the vogue mental condition of the moment, we create sort of a paradigm shift in the core reality. what i mean is, by saying that because this woman decided to do a youtube bit about fat people, which was likely based upon the show 'Dear White People', being that she's white, she receives backlash, and she becomes sort of a pariah to certain people because this way of thinking has gained power. and of itself, it may not seem like a big thing, but think about it. most of the so-called patriotism today is just a way of the new bigots creating an untouchable space to be openly racist in. most of the so-called 'christianity' today is the same thing. we live in a world where, like me saying it or not, transgender-claiming youth are tuning in to see an almost seventy-year old individual dressed as a woman for guidance and direction in their own lives. and just when, if you think about it, have young people EVER sought out an old person for their north star example of which way to go? and that entire situation is being managed by the same individuals. people think of the Kardashians as Kris Jenner being the mastermind, but Kris Jenner doesn't own A&E television. there are things that a little bit of thought would make clearer, but then a person would have to take some ownership for what they are seeing, and that's what society at large doesn't seem to want to do today.
so, i have no problem with the woman saying that fat-shaming is a term that fat people made up. i believe that's the truth. i believe that her words were likely unkind. but i don't believe she's tough enough or strong enough to bully anyone, nor would i think that was her intent. her intent was to try to be funny. and she is a comedienne. and if it didn't work, rather than call her a bully, call her a 'bad comedienne'. it would likely hurt her more. i am not ashamed of myself. i am sick from allowing myself to get this far into this condition. i've been fat my whole life. i've had a lot of years to process this and to come through the other side. and, mind you, not being ashamed is not the same as being okay. they are completely different and completely compatible. i was talking with R the other day, about how you'll see some celebrity of size who becomes an icon for fat people. and they'll do appearances espousing 'fat acceptance'. and there will rise up legions in support of them. and then...they lose weight. and suddenly, they are pariahs to those who chose to worship them. and their message and outlook changes. now, many would say they're fakes. i don't believe so. i believe the message is fake. i think (opinion) that most fat people want to lose weight. not so we can be like 'not-fat' people; so we can have more life. the opposite of fat may be thin, but the goal of fat people is fit and active. and for some of us, that's really not easy. and for many of us, it's not even possible. that's the part that needs redefinition. but i make no excuse for myself. once i was fat and playing high volume volleyball on a weekly basis. i have gone through so many emotional changes, i stopped being active mostly due to depression. and then, age has been taking me where age takes us all. that's the truth. so i don't make excuses. i put dope in my mouth in the form of chocolate, starches and oversized meals. fast food fixes. i am now essentially in detox. and i'm not going to be ashamed. i posted a picture yesterday. that's not shame on my face. its sadness. and some fear. i don't want to be judged, but i will be. and i'm exhausted, because carrying around so much weight is hard work.
i'm debating on oat meal for breakfast. haven't really settled on it yet. i'm going to the gym after i take Syd to school. going to walk, going to see what i can do on the weights. i hope i hear something back soon about my shoulder, but i know there's not anything that they're going to do for it. pain pills and steroid shots, that's about the extent of what they'll offer. maybe that's all that can be done for it, but i'm not going to let it stop me from my goals.
i've been thinking about the bandwagon an awful lot lately. its funny to me, the turns we've taken as a society. i'm going to start with something i have an actual opinion on, because i have to state now that where my opinions are stated, they don't matter. i've been on pedestals, i've been someone whom people have hung on their word, and that's dangerous shit. my opinion is based on my thoughts; my suggestions are based on my experiences. with that disclaimer stated:
i was reading an article online yesterday about a canadian comedienne (don't you love the feminization of certain terms?) who was accused of FAT-SHAMING fat people. now, i don't like that term. i don't like it for anything. i don't like the term SLUT-SHAMING either. i don't believe i like any of the terms that people keep attaching to situations where someone is not in agreement with them, are of a difference of opinion with themselves, or are making fun of them. i'm pretty sure the reason i don't like it is because it makes it okay for a person to do things that might just be harmful to themselves. when the term "haters" became prevalent, i felt the same way. we've become less a society than a mental institution with interlocking padded rooms. we don't so much have lives, as we have therapy sessions on the computer. when someone suggests something should be a certain way, if it has enough deniability built in, enough lack of personal responsibility in it, people will adhere to it like it was composed of Krazy Glue. and the truth no longer matters. i can't help but wonder...is this by design?
i am fat. i am no longer ashamed of the fact that i am fat. someone said, some post on facebook, 'fat is what you have, its not what you are'. that's a nice sentiment, but the truth is this is hundreds and hundreds of years of conscious programming that MAKES me fat rather that makes me see that i HAVE fat. it's the same as seeing a woman as a series of body parts and responding to the now sub-conscious programming that makes us sexually desire her based on the contours of said parts, rather than seeing her as a whole person. this is programmed behavior. it's not natural, but it has become our nature through years of inputting directives to this extent. so, now everything comes with its own special terminology to make it, not so much acceptable, but defensible from the opinions of others. as i said, opinions don't matter. even opinions programmed at a whole-society level. but when we pretend they don't matter by making some other nonsense the vogue mental condition of the moment, we create sort of a paradigm shift in the core reality. what i mean is, by saying that because this woman decided to do a youtube bit about fat people, which was likely based upon the show 'Dear White People', being that she's white, she receives backlash, and she becomes sort of a pariah to certain people because this way of thinking has gained power. and of itself, it may not seem like a big thing, but think about it. most of the so-called patriotism today is just a way of the new bigots creating an untouchable space to be openly racist in. most of the so-called 'christianity' today is the same thing. we live in a world where, like me saying it or not, transgender-claiming youth are tuning in to see an almost seventy-year old individual dressed as a woman for guidance and direction in their own lives. and just when, if you think about it, have young people EVER sought out an old person for their north star example of which way to go? and that entire situation is being managed by the same individuals. people think of the Kardashians as Kris Jenner being the mastermind, but Kris Jenner doesn't own A&E television. there are things that a little bit of thought would make clearer, but then a person would have to take some ownership for what they are seeing, and that's what society at large doesn't seem to want to do today.
so, i have no problem with the woman saying that fat-shaming is a term that fat people made up. i believe that's the truth. i believe that her words were likely unkind. but i don't believe she's tough enough or strong enough to bully anyone, nor would i think that was her intent. her intent was to try to be funny. and she is a comedienne. and if it didn't work, rather than call her a bully, call her a 'bad comedienne'. it would likely hurt her more. i am not ashamed of myself. i am sick from allowing myself to get this far into this condition. i've been fat my whole life. i've had a lot of years to process this and to come through the other side. and, mind you, not being ashamed is not the same as being okay. they are completely different and completely compatible. i was talking with R the other day, about how you'll see some celebrity of size who becomes an icon for fat people. and they'll do appearances espousing 'fat acceptance'. and there will rise up legions in support of them. and then...they lose weight. and suddenly, they are pariahs to those who chose to worship them. and their message and outlook changes. now, many would say they're fakes. i don't believe so. i believe the message is fake. i think (opinion) that most fat people want to lose weight. not so we can be like 'not-fat' people; so we can have more life. the opposite of fat may be thin, but the goal of fat people is fit and active. and for some of us, that's really not easy. and for many of us, it's not even possible. that's the part that needs redefinition. but i make no excuse for myself. once i was fat and playing high volume volleyball on a weekly basis. i have gone through so many emotional changes, i stopped being active mostly due to depression. and then, age has been taking me where age takes us all. that's the truth. so i don't make excuses. i put dope in my mouth in the form of chocolate, starches and oversized meals. fast food fixes. i am now essentially in detox. and i'm not going to be ashamed. i posted a picture yesterday. that's not shame on my face. its sadness. and some fear. i don't want to be judged, but i will be. and i'm exhausted, because carrying around so much weight is hard work.
speaking
of hard work...
this
is me this morning. i go to the Jewish Community Center fitness
room. i've started on the treadmill because they took out the
stair-steppy thingee that i used to love to do cardio on. i do
less on the treadmill than i did on the stair machine, go less
distance, and end up feeling more exhausted. that just means
i've got a way to go to get the hang of it. i guess what i
should look at more is the fact that i've had a membership for the
better part of the past two years, and i don't go nearly enough.
it's kind of sad, when i think about it. i could have
been better quite some time ago. i could have lost this weight,
regained health and been on the road to better things and more
successful efforts. why am i just now in the place of surrender
and change? because addicts, regardless of their drug of choice
or their particular isms, follow a certain path. one, they are
always resistant to change. two, they are always trying to find
shortcuts, and barring that, they are going to rationalize the hell
out of whatever it is they want to do. third, they don't learn
anything until its time for them to learn something. some of us
don't learn until we are on our deathbeds. i have an
acquaintance who has diabetes. he's lost the weight, channeled
his whole life into appearances and material shit, and is still
getting things amputated. that tells me that this isn't a 'fix
and forget it' thing i'm working on. it's CHANGE. change
continues long after the desired affect and effects have been
achieved. without that acceptance, it's just one more spin on
the goddamned merry-go-round.
okay,
so the shame thing. i was saying how we've created a society
that actually functions as a court of public opinion. its
insidious, but people who are willfully blind are not going to see
the cunning minds that have been at work on this project.
for
instance, say you disagree with something that is policy somewhere,
like a business saying you have to wear shoes to come into their
place. (i know how it sounds, but trust me, its coming) you
don't like it, so you complain on social media. the purpose of
social media, therefore, seems to be a place where you can vent about
things you don't particularly like. and that would be healthy.
but it doesn't stop there, does it?
because
it's SOCIAL media. so you find that there are twelve other
people, right off the bat, who also want to be able to live life
barefooted. you guys form...a PAGE. right. just
another metaphorical gathering of electronic impulses standing in for
human beings on the world wide web. and a page, though a bit
more irrational, is still borderline healthy, because who doesn't
want to know they're not alone in their beliefs?
but
it doesn't stop there, does it?
because
once you've got a page, you find there are other birds, similar to
you, who flock to other pages. people who want to be in public
barefoot. people who want to be in restaurants barefoot.
people who want to be in non-hazardous job places, barefoot.
but not the guys who want to do barefoot construction, cause
they're just CRAZY...
so
you RATIONAL people, seeing so much common ground, start to get
together. you become, in your own minds, a MOVEMENT. a
barefoot movement. and you have a core group of individuals who
become your leaders. and now it's not healthy.
because
you no longer think that it's good just to have a place for you to
vent so that you can get on with life. you feel, since your
group has become the center of your world, that EVERYONE should be
forced to do things the way you want to do them. so you begin
to lobby. you begin to protest. you begin to write
letters to magazines and to boycott businesses and public places if
they don't allow you to have your way. you get on television
shows and then it's really gone spinning out of your hands.
(quick
aside:
1/2
cup of oatmeal - 110 cal.
1
cup milk - 120 calories
1
egg - 70 calories
1/2
banana - 72 calories
total
for breakfast - 372 calories
a
little higher than first two days. have to be more mindful.
not bad, but don't want to start trending up again.)
okay,
got to get moving, so let's wrap this up. on television, you
get the platform for your personal want, which has become a
social referendum, to start to build to its critical mass. because
you're going to have both the opposition and the ridiculers in one
place. the opposition has been put together by hand to test
you, and because television is for selling things, and nothing sells
like entertainment, and nothing entertains like drama. so you
need an element of opposition to build in drama. the ridiculers
are there because makes a zealot without an actual cause more crazy
and drama prone than someone who is laughing at them when they are
trying to be serious. both those elements go in to create more
drama, more entertainment and more sales, and now you're being used,
and something in you knows you are, but you can't allow that thought
to fester, because you're a LEADER now, and people are watching you.
so you've become the face of a thing that has absolutely no
ground anyway, and you end up a joke twenty years later, though you
still take yourself ultra-seriously and your followers have moved on
to four new groups since then.
that's
how it is with the SHAMING movement.
its
how it is with anything that catches fire in the public consciousness
anymore. and no one seems to want to ask why these things get
so much traction when they are, factually speaking, absolutely
ridiculous.
welcome
to the 21st century.
i
have a meeting today at noon. i'm a bit tired, but no nap is
going to happen, so i guess i'll be writing after the meeting as
well. but lunch is going to be a sandwich and soup, and i'm not
sure exactly what dinner is going to be just yet. maybe a fish
stew. i feel pretty good this morning. i am glad that i'm
doing this. i'll get back to you in the afternoon.
Lunch:
Salad
& wheat toast:
chicken
thigh, shredded - 153
spring
mix greens - 19
Parmesan
cheese shredded - 42
tomato
- 8
italian
dressing - 43
wheat
toast - 72
Total
for lunch - 337
Now,
i've got some feelings to account for, because while i'm trying to be
careful, i am now at 709 calories today. i don't believe that's
bad, per se, but look at the numbers from the previous days. so
what's been going on with me?
well,
Syd, my child, is starting to irritate me pretty badly. mostly
its how she's talking, and i'm going to deal with that head on. but
its also the fact that she's not doing shit here except staying on
that damned phone. i have to tell her to do her chores, her
room isn't finished and i am going to squash whatever plans she's got
for the upcoming events, because i told her two weeks ago the room
needed to be done and it's not. so there's that. i'm
missing time with R, but there's nothing i can do about that. money
is short, and now i'm very frustrated because Job & Family
Services, or welfare, has cut off Syd's medical card. i neglect
shit to make sure we can eat through the month. i'm not even
doing a bunch of eating out right now, and it's still not enough, so
they want to take something else away? i am tired of this
bullshit. the thing about the mental and political games that
get played, the programming that people indulge in and act out on
without any consciousness, is that it will fuck with you without
warning, and you can't do much except put out each fire as it
happens. there's no way to fireproof everything, because it
would require EVERYONE committing to doing the job, and that's not
going to happen. i'm having baked fish for dinner. i'm
going to have to get back on track right tomorrow morning. but
for now, i guess if i keep in mind that this is part of the process
of accepting God's authority and life's terms for living it, i'm
going to be okay. and i do believe that.
Dinner:
rotisserie
chicken breast - 141
broccoli
- 19
tomato
slices - 8
baked
potato - 290
w
sour cream - 60
&
cheese - 57
Dinner
total: 575
Total
for the day - 1248.
not
too bad. thought it would end up worse than that. my
friend Lonnie urged me to continue on with the keeping track of the
calories, as did my child. therefore, it is what i am doing.
i'm sure it's a low intake, but you have to remember, my goal
is a year. i'm thinking, if i can come down to right about 290,
280 low end, i'll be good. that's always been a pretty good
weight for me. i miss R. i have to wrap up the night.
i'm enjoying this so far. good night, and thanks be to
Jehovah for the love and support that i need, that comes from the
best of places.
Sept
17 – IMPULSE POWER
breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs - 140 cal
w 1/8 cup cheese - 28 cal
wheat toast - 77 cal
1 cup milk - 122
breakfast total - 367
2 scrambled eggs - 140 cal
w 1/8 cup cheese - 28 cal
wheat toast - 77 cal
1 cup milk - 122
breakfast total - 367
good
morning. i'm starting this a little later than i had been previous.
it was a hard waking up morning, but i'm up. i've taken Syd to
school, been to the gym (just the machines, going to go for a walk
later in the day) and am having breakfast. my sugar was pretty good
waking this morning, about 133. i'm actually starting to feel better,
but the revolution begins soon. i've indulged my -isms, and my body
is accustomed to being fed randomly and often. it is now in the
process of trying to hold on to fat, because i'm inducing starvation
mode, in its understanding. when it becomes accustomed to the reality
that i'm going to feed it three times a day, one snack before bed,
and it's not going to go hungry, it will begin to come in line as
well. but for now, we're running on manual override, though the
impulse engines keep trying to kick in.
R
is concerned about me. her concern makes me feel good, but i am not
gong to give in to it. there is a desire in me to turn over, give her
my throat, so to speak. but that's not going to happen. this is for
health, it is for change, and it is the sacrifice that i believe must
be made in order to do next level stuff. i am going to have to suffer
a bit, in order to be blessed later. too many spiritual examples of
this. i'm no prophet and i'm damn sure no saint. i'm just a writer
and a father who's trying to live a little better, put something on
the table for my child when she leaves and for the woman who
eventually is in my life when she comes. and if i want that then, i
have to do things now. it's how it works. i believe Jehovah has his
hands around me. that's enough for me.
i
made a pot of fish chowder last night. tasting it, i believe it's
pretty good. however, i want to be sure it's up to snuff. it was fun
making it. it was fun watching Cookie's Fortune with my dad
yesterday. its good to have life to appreciate. there are so many
people who have to reach so far, so very far, for something good to
see in life. i need to be more grateful. this journey could be worse.
today
Syd has an eye appointment at 3. she's going to be a little late, as
she won't get back to her parent school until 3. but it's going to be
okay.
my
plans are to go to the library, pick up 2nd movie, go visit at my
parent's house, ask about a lunch box for Syd, figure out what dinner
is supposed to be, pick up R about 5 to come watch the rest of the
movie we started last week, and keep on the path i'm on. no bad
dreams last night, although i had a Kafka-esque short reel about a
stinkbug (or is it a potato bug?) as big as a baby's head, just
scurrying around, doing stinkbug things. i can't remember if i killed
it in my dream or not.
the
screen play is almost done, first draft anyway. i'm very proud of
that. gotta polish it up, figure out how the formatting is supposed
to go, but i think i may have something valuable here.
of
course, the greatest value is God, and since he values me, i guess
i've got some inherent value as well. more later.
lunch:
mulitgrain
flatbread wrap: 100
2
slices turkey: 60
tomato
slices - 8
cheese
- 57
1
cup fish chowder - 160
total
for lunch - 385 calories
i
have parents who are getting old. not a big deal, so does
everyone else. i am redefining myself as an adult in a lot of
ways by the aging that my parents are doing. i think, if you
live long enough, you find that just about everything you experience
in life is a surprise of one kind or another.
i
had to help my mom get some account information today. its not
hard, but it makes me sad to see her so frustrated. i tried to
reason it out that it happens to us all, but i imaging when i am the
age she is now and my memory is much worse and maybe my attention
isn't what it should be, reasoning won't make me feel any better
either. anyway, i don't give advice, so reason is all i could
offer.
at
times, i wish i could just rearrange my parent's lives. not to
control them. just to have things go more efficiently for them.
i think for 75 and 73 they get along in the world just fine, if
not with each other. but like the song says, i can't even run
my own life...you know, best to just be on alert in case i'm needed.
i
am sleepy, and i hope a nap actually happens. got to take Syd
to the eye doctor this afternoon.
this
is why i appreciate R, and anyone who bothers to keep an eye on me
and let me know when what i'm doing may need changing...it's almost
4pm, and my sugar is at 97. i've not been that low in the
better part of the last year. so, i'm going to find something
with some sugar but without a bunch of calories, though i'm sure i'll
be okay either way. its funny, this feeling of a sugar lower
than usual. you feel...swimmy. cold and warm alternately.
dizzy to an extent. your stomach has a heavy feeling but
you also feel kind of nauseous. to distance myself from it by
writing about it is new as well. i think that's going to kill
the walk for the night. just going to see what i need to bring
it up a hair. gonna be low insulin, if any, this evening.
thank you, Father, for watching over me.
...this
is my LOW SUGAR FACE...
...just
so you have something to compare. :-D
its
the end of the night. i had soup and crackers for dinner, and
another bowl of soup for my snack. i'm' estimating about 500
calories. probably light, but i realize now that there is so
much i have to keep an eye on. it's very daunting, in a way. i
have to watch my caloric intake, while making sure i get enough so my
sugar doesn't crash, and i have to watch the insulin i take because
it can bottom out on me if i don't eat enough. i have to watch
the insulin i take because when i exercise it lowers my blood sugar
quicker. i have to make sure i don't obsess, but i am
obsessing. it comes with the dis-ease (compulsive overeating)
and i am obsessive/compulsive by nature. hence, the title.
impulse
has ruled so much of my life. i have done things, despite
warnings and my own inner voice, on little more than impulse. it
has lead me down dark and twisted roads, into pain and anguish, loss
and despair, depression and suicidal notions. it has drawn
energy from me that i wasn't aware i had lost, and has drained me
beyond what i thought i was capable of losing. i do believe in
God. i do believe that there is a Will far beyond my own that
has kept me alive in spite of my best efforts to self-destruct. so,
i am trying to stay on manual override. i am trying to keep
things in the hands of my Creator, rather than think 'its too
hard...just fuck it'. the results are coming. its scary.
its exciting. but it's my journey, and that makes
everything worthwhile.
i
have counseling tomorrow. i believe it may be a pretty
interesting session. good night.
Sept
18 – WARP DRIVES
Step
2 - came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore
us to sanity.
good
morning. my blood sugar is at 166 this morning. i'm using less
insulin, because the adjustment is only going to come through
experimentation. i feel good, though a bit sluggish. i believe rather
than the gym today i'm going to cut the lawn for the last time this
season. that should give me the metabolism boost that my heart and
body needs to process this life. i have counseling this morning with
VF (ha!) and i have to work on my screenplay first draft, as i'd like
to complete it this month.
i
started with step 2 because i don't plan on going through this
process without the steps. i am a recovering addict/alcoholic. i have
a host of diagnosed physical ailments and a couple of psychological
ones too. what i know is that the world loves labels, or this country
does anyway. but sometimes, you have to put a name on a thing in
order to know how to deal with it. you don't look at faded walls,
with bare spots, odd tones and dirt and think that you need lower
lights. you diagnose 'dirty walls, old paint', and then you wash your
walls, scrape them down and repaint. well, that's what the 'food
fiend' label is that i'm applying to myself. its so i can process
this properly through the 12 steps for spiritual support and so this
journey is as productive as is possible.
only the first step requires a particular identification. if i just say i'm powerless over BLANK, then i have nothing to really focus on getting better from. so i am a food fiend. i eat just to eat, and i do it around the clock. i am powerless over my fiending (as evidenced by me crushing the last of the grapes last night because of low-level frustrations), and my obsessive/compulsive eating habits have made my life unmanageable. that's my first step, and its pretty well documented in this journal so far. so is much of the insanity, but i want to address it today so i can move though the steps as needed and eventually meet up with where i am in my more conventional, much better established recovery and merge them into a better vehicle.
so, my insanity of life right now.
i feel weak when i'm not eating right. i've been exhausted in ways that you wouldn't believe, because i'm constantly drugged with food, and to be honest, with medicines that are designed to slow so much of my metabolistic functions. heart meds, blood pressure meds, even diabetic meds are things that modify body functions. and those take a toll.
i am not present in the things that are transpiring in my life around me. i know, more or less, what Syd is doing, but i know through the connection between parent and child, which is part intuition and part educated hypotheses. i don't know by involvement, because involvement requires energy, and that is again in short supply.
i am in struggles with esteem. i often feel much worse about myself than i let on. it has everything to do with looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the failure of me to do what i know i'm capable of doing. its about knowing that i've lost this weight twice before and failed to keep it off. it's about knowing that i am getting older and worse, not older and more refined as i should be. i don't give a fuck about the older (i'm one of the few people i know who isn't out searching for a viagra prescription, and that's not because of lack of need, but because i do believe i'm not THAT crazy yet to take something for an erection that could likely trigger my first heart attack) but the worse part is daunting.
i am plagued by pains. i have pain in my knees that come and go. i have pain in my shoulder, in at least one elbow, in my feet. i have gout, neuropathy and arthritis. these are all weight related to a great extent.
i feel socially inadequate. this is confession because it's insane. i don't want to play the reindeer game, but i see those individuals in my fellowship (it doesn't belong to me, but i feel it necessary to say it that way so i don't stop going completely) who are all surface shit. their luxury cars, their non-accountability lives. i am waiting for the next thing i can't afford to pay for to go wrong with my car. i am waiting for a hearing to see if these idiots are going to reinstate my daughter's medical card. i can't even afford to be buried if i died this moment.
and i have lost jobs because of my health and my social situations, situations which i'd likely have known of if i had not been so exhausted. from losing the job at West, which i never should have but i would have been forced to make a choice anyway due to being so tired all the time, to the job for the Community Bus Service, which was all but mine except that as a diabetic i can't get a driving job if i'm insulin dependent. it's crazy, i can't better my situation because of my being sick, but my being sick won't stop them from making my situation worse.
there's so much more, but i don't want to stay on the crazy all day. i'm going to keep coming back to it, because step 2 is going to be incorporated before the day is done. but i need to see for myself what this is taking from me. some say insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. but i don't believe that anymore. i don't expect anything different by doing the same things. i expect the same thing, and stop caring. and when the same thing is harmful and i convince myself not to care, that's a form of insanity. but, according to Mirriam-Webster's online dictionary:
only the first step requires a particular identification. if i just say i'm powerless over BLANK, then i have nothing to really focus on getting better from. so i am a food fiend. i eat just to eat, and i do it around the clock. i am powerless over my fiending (as evidenced by me crushing the last of the grapes last night because of low-level frustrations), and my obsessive/compulsive eating habits have made my life unmanageable. that's my first step, and its pretty well documented in this journal so far. so is much of the insanity, but i want to address it today so i can move though the steps as needed and eventually meet up with where i am in my more conventional, much better established recovery and merge them into a better vehicle.
so, my insanity of life right now.
i feel weak when i'm not eating right. i've been exhausted in ways that you wouldn't believe, because i'm constantly drugged with food, and to be honest, with medicines that are designed to slow so much of my metabolistic functions. heart meds, blood pressure meds, even diabetic meds are things that modify body functions. and those take a toll.
i am not present in the things that are transpiring in my life around me. i know, more or less, what Syd is doing, but i know through the connection between parent and child, which is part intuition and part educated hypotheses. i don't know by involvement, because involvement requires energy, and that is again in short supply.
i am in struggles with esteem. i often feel much worse about myself than i let on. it has everything to do with looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the failure of me to do what i know i'm capable of doing. its about knowing that i've lost this weight twice before and failed to keep it off. it's about knowing that i am getting older and worse, not older and more refined as i should be. i don't give a fuck about the older (i'm one of the few people i know who isn't out searching for a viagra prescription, and that's not because of lack of need, but because i do believe i'm not THAT crazy yet to take something for an erection that could likely trigger my first heart attack) but the worse part is daunting.
i am plagued by pains. i have pain in my knees that come and go. i have pain in my shoulder, in at least one elbow, in my feet. i have gout, neuropathy and arthritis. these are all weight related to a great extent.
i feel socially inadequate. this is confession because it's insane. i don't want to play the reindeer game, but i see those individuals in my fellowship (it doesn't belong to me, but i feel it necessary to say it that way so i don't stop going completely) who are all surface shit. their luxury cars, their non-accountability lives. i am waiting for the next thing i can't afford to pay for to go wrong with my car. i am waiting for a hearing to see if these idiots are going to reinstate my daughter's medical card. i can't even afford to be buried if i died this moment.
and i have lost jobs because of my health and my social situations, situations which i'd likely have known of if i had not been so exhausted. from losing the job at West, which i never should have but i would have been forced to make a choice anyway due to being so tired all the time, to the job for the Community Bus Service, which was all but mine except that as a diabetic i can't get a driving job if i'm insulin dependent. it's crazy, i can't better my situation because of my being sick, but my being sick won't stop them from making my situation worse.
there's so much more, but i don't want to stay on the crazy all day. i'm going to keep coming back to it, because step 2 is going to be incorporated before the day is done. but i need to see for myself what this is taking from me. some say insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. but i don't believe that anymore. i don't expect anything different by doing the same things. i expect the same thing, and stop caring. and when the same thing is harmful and i convince myself not to care, that's a form of insanity. but, according to Mirriam-Webster's online dictionary:
Full
Definition of INSANITY
1:
a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder
(as schizophrenia)
2:
such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one
from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a
particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one
from criminal or civil responsibility
3:
a : extreme folly or unreasonableness
b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable
a : extreme folly or unreasonableness
b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable
i
think my insanity in this case falls under entry 2. 'prevents one
from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a
particular relationship status or transaction'.
and you see, that gives me something to move toward. it gives me something to set as a primary goal. not the be-all and end-all, not in the least, because one of the sabotage things i've done in the past is to make weight the only focus. it's easy to do when you live your life fat. anyone who lives under a stigma looks at the removal of the stigma as the solution, rather than attaining a life conductive to living stigma free as the better way to go.
and you see, that gives me something to move toward. it gives me something to set as a primary goal. not the be-all and end-all, not in the least, because one of the sabotage things i've done in the past is to make weight the only focus. it's easy to do when you live your life fat. anyone who lives under a stigma looks at the removal of the stigma as the solution, rather than attaining a life conductive to living stigma free as the better way to go.
i'm
thinking i'm going to have the rest of my oatmeal with a half a
banana and an egg. i'm thinking that's going to be my breakfast
today. be around 285 calories to start the day.
well,
breakfast was what i said it would be, but the sugar levels are
killing me. went out to cut the grass, or at least the back and
sides (i have learned, believe me; grass cutting, for the time being,
is a very good stand in for a day at the gym) and it has taken me
almost two hours to finish the part i intended to finish. i
stopped at least ten times while cutting. i don't mind, because
having a fucking heart attack cutting grass is not how i want to exit
this reality. but it shows me again the insanity of what i've
done to myself. granted, getting older accounts for some, but
the majority is just self-neglect in a pathological fashion. i
am doing better, but constant honesty is like marking the trail
behind me: if i should get turned around, not only can i see
where i have been, i can also see which way i was going and what spot
i got turned around at, so i can change directions correctly.
i
spoke to my brother today, he's doing okay. and i called my mom
but she's out getting her nails done. i am going to figure out
lunch, make lunch, eat lunch, take a bath and likely pass out for a
few hours. that somehow seems the perfect plan.
lunch:
chicken
wrap: 194
soup
: 160
Total
lunch calories: 354
i
was thinking about something. i was thinking about how hard it
is to get people to acknowledge the insanity of the world. i
think it's easier to simply go on about one's business, as if by
ignoring it, things will magically somehow improve. i don't
think things will ever improve globally. whether you use social
trending or the new testament, you can see that life is on its
downhill slope for mankind. but as individuals, we can see, and
respond, and change things for the better. every person
improving themselves would make the world better by proxy. but
that ain't gonna happen, because most people have been programmed to
feel they're fine the way they are, and anyway it's none of your
goddamned business. so, i have to get better. i'm sure
Noah was in amazing shape by the time the first rain fell. by
the way, did you ever stop to read and see that when the flood came,
that's the first recorded incident of rainfall in the bible? you
think there's a significance to that? i do.
midday
snack:
yogurt
- 80
pork
rinds - 35
total
- 115
i'm
pretty sore right now. that grass kicked my ass more than i
thought. but i feel good. my shoulder is doing better. my
head is on as straight as its likely to get in this lifetime. i
know that my habits have to change, and i know that it's going to be
a long time before i have the foundation to do those things of my own
steam. it's like, you have to have sense enough to know you
don't have sense before you find the sense outlet. i know that
sounds like babbling, but think about it. a guy trying to
figure why the toaster ain't making toast eventually will figure out
that maybe the toaster is not plugged in. but for those of us
with this level of brain damage...FOR ME ANYWAY...i keep pushing down
the damn lever and watching the bread pop right back up, scratching
my head, trying to figure out why the toaster hates me. i'm not
going to keep living on that level of senseless behavior. my
god has removed my obsession to drink, to smoke coke, weed and
cigarettes. he's removed a budding obsession with gambling
machines. i know this was just a matter of getting to the third
step with it, and being willing to do the work that is required to
removed the flaws in my character that make eating myself to death an
attractive proposal.
i'm
thinking i'm going to pan sear a pork chop tonight, sautee some
spinach and onions in olive oil, with some diced tomatoes, and maybe
just have a slice of wheat bread with it. i want to be sensible
tonight. i appreciate this day. I HAD A BOOK SALE!
bought both my print books. that's a nice, plump,
within-my-diet cherry on a very wonderful sugar-free cake. i'll
list my dinner calories later, but i'm out for now.
oh,
what a difference a few hours make. the book sale is still in
process, because my book store sight is still not allowing
transactions to go through. as well, people are having to
register with the site in order to purchase from me there. i'm
going to shop for a new selling page. that's going on the top
of the t0-d0 list. also, dinner was a pretty good affair, but
i'm sure i'm still in the low end.
dinner
-
broiled
pork chop - 181
blend
of spinach, hot pepper, california blend veggies - 78
one
slice commercial wheat bread - 70
a
grand total of: 329 calories at dinner. which brings the total
for the day to 1083. that's a bit too low. i'm going to
have to increase or i'm going to start having real problems with
keeping it to three meals a day. well. change is the only
constant in the universe, they say. i'm inclined to believe
them. that's it for the night.
Sept
19 – ICARUS TOO CLOSE TO THE SUNDAY
i
got up early this morning, for some reason. i think it's just part of
the change in my emotional and physical weather. i called my friend
in columbus and woke her with inane conversation, but also to check
up on her, as she was sick two days ago when i spoke to her. i've
cancelled the book order on the Etsy site, because it wouldn't take
the payment. i've already communicated with the buyer and they are
going to send me a money order and i'm going to mail the books out
today. that's not a problem; i trust her as i've known her for years
(online at least) and she's edited for me and been one of my biggest
supporters. i've had prayer, i've had breakfast (omelet with veggies
and cheese, wheat toast) and i've got my system set so i can write
and create while i'm cleaning. i see this as a quiet kind of day,
though no one knows before hand what the day will bring. so i thought
i'd reflect on flying too close to the sun.
Icarus,
appropriately, was a character in a Greek tragedy. Greeks have the
best tragedies combined with morality lessons. Gist of it was, he was
the son of a craftsman who was jailed for helping a greek hero avoid
the minotaur. they were both jailed and the craftsman, Daedalus, made
them both a set of wings from feather and wax, and they flew from the
prison, with the warning that Icarus not fly too close to the sun or
the ocean, to just follow the plan. as it turned out, Icarus was as
hardheaded as children always are, and he flew too close to the sun,
and the wax melted and his wings fell apart and he fell to his death
in the ocean.
so,
never mind how they got out of the prison to fly away. the point is,
i have been Icarus so many times it's sad. getting older often
involves looking back, a practice denied to youth because there's not
enough to look back at to make it interesting. but at 47, i've had
about three lives so far. i've been an addict and a recovering
addict. i've been plagued by toxic shame and introvertedness and
through God's grace and a lot of work, i've come from beneath that
clod. i've been fat, then fit, then fat, then fit, now fat again and
working on fit. i've had a lot of lives. i've been given a lot of
good wisdom, which i've chosen to disregard, ignore or overlook. and
i've flown so close to the sun, ensorcelled by the solar warmth on my
face. i've also fallen, screaming, into the cold ocean of fears that
i used to carry around inside me like a security blanket that turned
on me somehow. i sometimes regret. i don't believe or trust people
who say 'i have no regrets'. i think a part of growing up is doing
things that you will one day look back at and regret. but...i don't
believe regret should be the master of anything i do. i believe
morality lessons are important to implement and use as they come. but
for myself, i have burdened myself with the impossible morality of
absolutes, much like Daedalus. i've had to bury so many versions of
myself. i've had to grieve so many losses of myself. sometimes i
think back to loves that i thought for sure would be forever, and
realize this me made all the previous me's wrong and sometimes
stupid.
but all i can do is take those lessons and move on. reform the wings, take the melted wax to recast the feathers and try again. try to remember the lessons from the last flight and take them into the current flight plan. that's what growing up is, after all. or so i'm told.
but all i can do is take those lessons and move on. reform the wings, take the melted wax to recast the feathers and try again. try to remember the lessons from the last flight and take them into the current flight plan. that's what growing up is, after all. or so i'm told.
breakfast:
2 egg omelet with cali veggies and cheese
wheat toast w sugar free jam
total calories - 324
2 egg omelet with cali veggies and cheese
wheat toast w sugar free jam
total calories - 324
lunch
was a bit more today, and i paid for it one way or another. had
a chicken salad wrap, which constituted about 420 calories, and i had
soup again, which was about 160. but i'm pretty sure the soup
is not holding up, as i got a bit of a sick feeling after i was done
eating that lingers still. it's funny, you can't always tell
how close to the sun you actually are. the ancients used to
think you could walk right up to the sun, it seemed so close to earth
at sunrise and sunset. mysticism is just information that has
yet to be disproven. i just laid down and rested, didn't get to
my parent's to check on the phone, sad to say. my mom came by,
worked up about my aunt again. i guess that's part of it for me
as well. sometimes it seems things have to be a certain kind of
bad, in order for people to justify their unhappiness. is that
me? do i do that as well?
not
too much today, i know. got most of the cleaning done, but not
all of it. i'm not worried about it. the nausea passed,
and i had dinner with R. Wendy's chili, 270 calories, and 4
spicy nuggets, 180, bringing dinner total to 450 calories. R
and i watched a movie, and we talked and we enjoyed each other's
company. there is something about this woman; her intelligence,
her insight, her determination...i don't know exactly, but it's very
good for me, whatever it is. i don't believe that a person can
complete another person; people get lost in that kind of cinematic
bullshit. but i do believe that one individual, cut from the
right cloth, has the power to enhance another person's life. and
enhancement when you're feeling positive can be a wonderful thing.
i'm going to go to bed now, and i'm going to be happy in my
sleep and thankful in my waking, God willing and the creek don't
rise. Good night.
the
truth is, to me, it's okay to fly. and everyone, no exception,
has those moments when they find themselves too close to the sun, or
the stove, or the campfire. they find themselves burning from a
bad decision, from the consequences. i have. it happens.
and when it does, it's supposed to teach me something. and
if i learn it, then i can be better the next time i fly. and if
i don't, then eventually, i'm going to crash and burn again. and
i really am tired of that part of the process. i've done good
writing on my screenplay. if no one ever buys it, if no one
ever sees it, it will be done and i will have done it. i can
see the ending of Mechanical Jesus. if it only comes out in
ebook format, i will have kept my word to my son, and that means
everything to me. and i have something wonderful with someone
wonderful, even if its only one day, or one more day. i can't
count years to come, but i can see the years gone by, and that's been
pretty fucking okay, considering how things could have turned out.
Sept
20 – DRIFTING
sunday
morning. waking up on a sunday has been the same forever. the details
change but the feeling has always been the same. sometimes, it was
readying for church, sometimes for the kingdom hall (there is a
difference). sometimes it was getting up to fix a huge family
breakfast, and sometimes it was staying in bed. sometimes it was
catching the 'b' level cartoons, the ones that didn't make it to
saturday morning, the ones on wpgh out of pittsburgh, channel 53. or
sometimes it was just getting ready to go visit one of the
grandparents houses, someone in the family. but it has always been
with the knowledge that tomorrow things were going to be happening
again, that the rest was almost over. it's funny that something
should always maintain the same property no matter how old you get. i
wonder if its that way for my dad, who's retired and has nothing he
actually has to do. i imagine it is. he still goes to sunday school,
though right in his own neighborhood now. he still stays busy every
day of the week, and i would imagine with football season on us he's
going to be into his Browns now. sunday morning.i'm going to treat myself to some steak and eggs this morning. i've been pretty good all week, and it's been a pretty good week. i've not crashed on my sugar, though i did have a serious drop once. Syd and I have gotten along well enough, though i have had to tell her about her mouth. i don't know if i've lost any weight, but i've gained a ton of energy, and that's pretty sweet.
breakfast:
steak: 190 cal.
2 eggs: 180 cal
toast: 60 cal
total - 430 calories.
steak: 190 cal.
2 eggs: 180 cal
toast: 60 cal
total - 430 calories.
in
a drifting day, there's nothing that holds great seriousness. there
are things around me that could be and likely should be tended to,
but they're not necessities. i have money waiting for me at western
union for the sale of two books. i have plans to make spicy cabbage
and blackened perch for dinner. i have a movie that i'd like to
watch. i have a screenplay to work on finishing. i have a book to
work on. i have clothes in the dryer and i have a bed to make and a
floor to finish vacuuming. i have a meeting at one o'clock. these are
the events that i see in my day. I never lock anything in, because
the first thing is to give the day to my Creator, and if he has other
things for me to do then i do them. but it is good to see the things
that i may put my hands upon.
i used to love waking at my grandmother's house on a sunday morning. i don't recall ever spending the night at my dad's mom's house. but my mom's mom...we were there often. there was little division between the grandchildren, the nieces and nephews and the children. it was pretty much a straight line of children. we'd wake up and there would be breakfast in the process of being ready. we'd have to go to the bathroom and wash our faces and hands. i don't think i've ever made Syd wash her face before a meal. then we'd come downstairs, sit at the table where there'd be toast already on the table, and bacon in a dish, and grandma would bring in eggs for us (scrambled; my grandfather ate fried eggs) and grits. there'd be milk, juice, grape jelly (hadn't matured into jams and preserves yet, though i do remember a very tasty peach preserve that someone in the family had made) and coffee, which sometimes we would get. it was always instant for us, though i remember grandma had a stovetop percolator. i really want one of those. i'd throw out my coffee maker for a stove top percolator. anyway, we would take our dishes from the table to the sink, or rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. then we'd go on about our kids day unless grandma had a task for us. on sundays this would be a prelude to going to church with my Aunt Mary. she was my grandma's sister and a force of nature. i would say in my mom's family, my grandfather was the moderator, my grandmother was the enforcer and my Aunt Mary was the anarchist. but her anarchy was based on her intelligence and her experience.
as far back as i look, i can only see tumultuous relationships between members of our family. my grandmother and my aunt, my mom and any of her siblings at any given time, myself and my oldest brother. we are not easily forgiving people, as we are not openly communicative people. you can't bury the body and in your mind erase the murder. even if the body is buried, you have still murdered someone; you're going to have to deal with it soon enough, like the Tell-Tale Heart by Poe. i wonder what my real tell-tale heart is?
anyway, i'm going to work on the screenplay for a bit and then get ready for my meeting. i have to make a list of spices i'm going to need to blacken my fish. i'm thinking lunch is going to be really light, as i'm thinking it's going to be like a fish taco kinda thing this evening. but we'll see when we get there. you can't drift and rush, that's for damn sure.
i used to love waking at my grandmother's house on a sunday morning. i don't recall ever spending the night at my dad's mom's house. but my mom's mom...we were there often. there was little division between the grandchildren, the nieces and nephews and the children. it was pretty much a straight line of children. we'd wake up and there would be breakfast in the process of being ready. we'd have to go to the bathroom and wash our faces and hands. i don't think i've ever made Syd wash her face before a meal. then we'd come downstairs, sit at the table where there'd be toast already on the table, and bacon in a dish, and grandma would bring in eggs for us (scrambled; my grandfather ate fried eggs) and grits. there'd be milk, juice, grape jelly (hadn't matured into jams and preserves yet, though i do remember a very tasty peach preserve that someone in the family had made) and coffee, which sometimes we would get. it was always instant for us, though i remember grandma had a stovetop percolator. i really want one of those. i'd throw out my coffee maker for a stove top percolator. anyway, we would take our dishes from the table to the sink, or rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. then we'd go on about our kids day unless grandma had a task for us. on sundays this would be a prelude to going to church with my Aunt Mary. she was my grandma's sister and a force of nature. i would say in my mom's family, my grandfather was the moderator, my grandmother was the enforcer and my Aunt Mary was the anarchist. but her anarchy was based on her intelligence and her experience.
as far back as i look, i can only see tumultuous relationships between members of our family. my grandmother and my aunt, my mom and any of her siblings at any given time, myself and my oldest brother. we are not easily forgiving people, as we are not openly communicative people. you can't bury the body and in your mind erase the murder. even if the body is buried, you have still murdered someone; you're going to have to deal with it soon enough, like the Tell-Tale Heart by Poe. i wonder what my real tell-tale heart is?
anyway, i'm going to work on the screenplay for a bit and then get ready for my meeting. i have to make a list of spices i'm going to need to blacken my fish. i'm thinking lunch is going to be really light, as i'm thinking it's going to be like a fish taco kinda thing this evening. but we'll see when we get there. you can't drift and rush, that's for damn sure.
i
love prep work. i love getting things ready to cook. i
didn't used to. i used to think that was the worst part of
cooking, and that there was a clear, discernible reason why chefs had
people to do the cutting and mixing for them. but i love it
now. because it's how i know what it's going to be, if my
instincts are on point or need adjusting, and if the work was worth
it. i have my spices together for my blackened fish. De'Ja
finally called me before the meeting, but i talked to Patrice and
called him back afterwards. (okay, DeJa is my son, Patrice is
my friend from Columbus, i'm not initializing everyone) he told
me to be sure i used cast iron for the blackening, and i'm on it. i
made my red cabbage cole slaw, better than the last batch (again,
because i know what i'm doing now) and i'm working on a spicy cabbage
as well. it's going to be a good dinner. and i know every
part of it and will enjoy it watching the rest of Doctor Who. sucked
back into the series and angry but happy at the same time about it.
i
talked about my diet/regeneration (Doctor Who, anyone?) at the
meeting today. we did the chapter in the stories "Acceptance
is the Answer", and i watched as a couple of people who could be
doing much better spoke of focus while giving no examples of doing
anything different. not changing my mind on the insanity
bullshit cliche, but looking at how easy it becomes to talk this
thing without walking it, how you can sound good but not take
ownership and then everyone's in a quandary when things start falling
apart for you. i told them that i had to look back at
twenty-five years to when God first allowed me to know i have an
eating disorder. now, think about that. the solution was
presented to me when i was 22. i'm 47 now. again, life
wasted, double time. and while its easy enough and perhaps even
true to say that 'i didn't change in my head', it's still an excuse.
TWENTY-FIVE years wasted. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS in which
perhaps i would have taken a different road, been a more successful
person in so many different arenas. however...that's where
acceptance works the best. i've wasted a lot of time. but
i don't know how much time i've got left. i could get morose,
depressed, eat my way back into a coma and die from the despair of
how much time i've wasted, or i can chalk it up to being stupid, get
on with getting better and see what the remaining years are like when
i'm present in my own life. i like that option better today.
my
spicy cabbage is heated! i think it's going to make going
number two like going to HELL! man, i'm really drifting
now...even i don't do bathroom humour. i'm about to blacken
this fish, i hope it works. i'm not logging calories for
dinner, because i'm going to be as bad as good allows me to be. come
on...FISH FUCKING TACOS, man. i'll get back on it in a bit.
Sept
21 – GRAVITY (Step 3)
my
sugar is 199 this morning. i've been to the gym already, i've had my
first cup of coffee and taken my insulin and my meds. the
significance of the mention of my glucose reading is, i only took
insulin once yesterday. and i finished my eating day with a
sugar-free ice cream sandwich. so there are things that i am looking
at, other than just weight loss, that show this is working so far.
one day at a time. but my mind is still sick. this is a sickness that
may go back to breastfeeding for me. the hunger is in my brain. the
hunger is always in my brain. the comparisons are in my brain. the
guy on the delt press machine at the gym, i check his level, see how
much he's working with. the guy on the treadmill i just got off, i'm
checking to see if his pace is faster than mine. nevermind that i
don't want a heart attack. nevermind that i am morbidly obese, that
i'm just truly beginning this with a purpose, that they guy probably
clocks in at 160 to my over two times that that much plus some. it's
a head sickness. and worse, it's bad spirit in my bad mind. and i've
been trying, very unsuccessfully, to battle that bad spirit for all
my life. because the battle was given to me, and it was given to me
as a child. AND THE CHILD IN ME IS STILL TRYING TO FIGHT A SPIRITUAL
BATTLE. ALONE. AND LOSING. AND CRYING.
i shouldn't be listening to the blues this early on a monday morning writing this shit.
gravity defined:
i shouldn't be listening to the blues this early on a monday morning writing this shit.
gravity defined:
1.
the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or
toward any other physical body having mass
2.
extreme or alarming importance; seriousness
synonyms:
seriousness, importance, significance, WEIGHT, consequence, etc.
Atlas
knew gravity; held the whole world on his shoulders. Presidents not
addicted to power age like they're reverse victims of Einstein's
relativity theory. gravity. the earth seems to call to us after a
point, youth is an aggressive defiance of gravity; aging is the slow
and steady succumbing to it. empires are created to further the
distance between man and the earth, and each has, in its own time,
crumbled into the dust from where it came. gravity.
i
was forced, as a child, to fight a battle that time itself may have
taken care of. when you put the focus on any particular thing, you
give it more gravity, more meaning, more importance, than it likely
would have had left to its own shelf life. now i am a grown man,
fighting as a child, against a monster my mind created. and i cannot
win that fight. or i'd have won it a long time ago.
the
significance of that is "I" cannot win that fight. "I"
have never had the power to win that fight. Ephesians, chapter 6,
verse 12; "...because we have a struggle, not against blood and
flesh, but against the governments, against the authorities, against
the world rulers of this darkness, against the wicked spirit forces
in the heavenly places." some would hear this and think it the
ranting of a lunatic. but really, how could it be?
eating is sex in human lives today. eating is the same as drinking and getting high to most american, hell, to a large percentage of the population. more food commercials than beer commercials. easier to acquire, completely legal and mimics some of the same effects. food commercials are designed to seduce the viewer the same as any other thing that has the potential for abuse and addiction. and it is all pervasive. a kid in a third world country, without adequate nutrition, clean water or medical care wouldn't give much of a damn about a commercial for the new Kanye fashion line, but he would likely kill everyone around him for a chance to get that amazingly enticing sandwich on any american mcdonald's commercial. and that's not even an exaggeration.
so, step three, for me. "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". it actually says 'as we understood him', but i am not a sexist. i had the beginnings of this before, each time in fact. i asked God to help me, and when he did, i reneged somewhere down the line. so this is me acknowledging my wrongs. me saying that i don't have the individual, human, imperfect power to fight against the spirit that has infested my mind, that has tainted my life and robbed me of my health. because without even being aware of it, i've been its greatest helper. and when you try to fight against something personally that has the ability to make you work for it without even knowing you are, you're in trouble again. your ass is overloading you. i have to do this one day at a time, but i have to do it like the drugs, like the alcohol, like the introvertedness. i have to do it with a mind toward this being a thing that will kill me, and if i don't run my life through the steps voluntarily, if i don't surrender without reservation, then i'm already dead. to that extent:
eating is sex in human lives today. eating is the same as drinking and getting high to most american, hell, to a large percentage of the population. more food commercials than beer commercials. easier to acquire, completely legal and mimics some of the same effects. food commercials are designed to seduce the viewer the same as any other thing that has the potential for abuse and addiction. and it is all pervasive. a kid in a third world country, without adequate nutrition, clean water or medical care wouldn't give much of a damn about a commercial for the new Kanye fashion line, but he would likely kill everyone around him for a chance to get that amazingly enticing sandwich on any american mcdonald's commercial. and that's not even an exaggeration.
so, step three, for me. "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". it actually says 'as we understood him', but i am not a sexist. i had the beginnings of this before, each time in fact. i asked God to help me, and when he did, i reneged somewhere down the line. so this is me acknowledging my wrongs. me saying that i don't have the individual, human, imperfect power to fight against the spirit that has infested my mind, that has tainted my life and robbed me of my health. because without even being aware of it, i've been its greatest helper. and when you try to fight against something personally that has the ability to make you work for it without even knowing you are, you're in trouble again. your ass is overloading you. i have to do this one day at a time, but i have to do it like the drugs, like the alcohol, like the introvertedness. i have to do it with a mind toward this being a thing that will kill me, and if i don't run my life through the steps voluntarily, if i don't surrender without reservation, then i'm already dead. to that extent:
"Jehovah
God, I come before you this day, on this page so that it can be
witnessed by whomever would choose to, asking you to take my will and
my life into your hands and do with me as you will. I am personally
incapable of fighting against the things that have been vexing me
since I was a child, the things that have kept me overweight,
juggling miseries, depressions, suicidal notions and bitter anger
toward a world that doesn't even know me. I ask you to direct my
thinking and my actions, as You are my Father and I am your child,
and I know that you will provide me with everything I need to live a
better life, one day at a time in obedience and love. In your son
Jesus' name I pray, amen."
that
is my 3rd step prayer for the purpose of my food fiending, and for
the purpose of this weblog. i am going to get some things done today,
so i'm going to wrap up for now. but i am not done for the day, i
just need to let this process sink in.
breakfast:
1 piece wheat toast: 60 cal
1 fried egg: 70 cal
shredded cheese: 55 cal
total breakfast calories - 185
adding a banana to bring it to 290. got a mail run in a half an hour and check up on a project R and i will be embarking upon soon.
1 piece wheat toast: 60 cal
1 fried egg: 70 cal
shredded cheese: 55 cal
total breakfast calories - 185
adding a banana to bring it to 290. got a mail run in a half an hour and check up on a project R and i will be embarking upon soon.
well,
the banana came a little late, but i did have it. also got
myself a can of soup for lunch, which will go well with a sandwich.
also got my money for the books that i sold Friday. also
went to visit my mom. and i am still tired, but i feel a little
swimmy, which isn't actually a word but it best describes where i'm
at right now.
its
funny, sometimes. i realize i could die doing this, but i don't
worry about it and everyone else seems to. i tell my mom stuff
because i want to keep her informed as to how i am, since i spent a
whole lotta years keeping my life my business and no one else's. but
when i tell her stuff, she gets worried, and then she won't let it
go. i tell people i'm dieting, and everyone has a diet for me
to try. i sit and swell up and eat like i'm at a trough and not
a table and no one says 'hey, you may need to watch the way you're
doing things'. i guess i'm the same way. we've become
DEATHLY polite. nothing is our business, but everything is
fodder for the gossip mill. funny word, fodder. anyway, i know
this is sort of cutting edge for me. right now, i feel as if i
could pass out. i'm going to wait until its lunchtime to check
my sugar. i ate breakfast about 7:30, so i've got a couple
hours to go. but if you put things in the hands of the Higher
Power you believe in, faith is not just being a doormat and thinking
whatever falls on me is okay. faith is doing what's in front of
me, knowing that the peripherals are being dealt with efficiently and
to my benefit. that's what it is to me anyway. and that's
a cultivated state of mind. it didn't come to me all at once.
it came from a series of learning experiences. it's
ingrained for the most part, but i believe a part of helping someone
find their way is letting them know about when you were lost.
otherwise, you're not a friend, you're an 'authority' on the
subject. okay, i'm going to lay down for a little while. i
can make my calls from my bed.
on
the subject of step 3, i feel i didn't take it as seriously as i
should have this morning. that's hard for me to write, but if
i'm not honest here, then it's all for nothing. i didn't log
all my meals today. it's the 'easier, softer way' spoken of in
HOW IT WORKS in the Big Book of AA. i ate a turkey wrap and
half a bowl of soup for lunch, calories around 325. that wasn't
bad. but i have no idea what calories i consumed for dinner;
fish, spicy cabbage and cole slaw. i had a yogurt and a banana
as well. but i've been low-level grazing, and that's not good.
it's a way to start fucking up. if i don't stay on point,
i lose the point. and i know some, like VF, will say i might be
being a bit too hard on myself, but i don't believe that to be the
case. if i turn my will and life over, then i accept the
discipline that comes with the deal. if i don't accept the
deal, i still am trying to run shit. and that's not what is
going to get my life back for me. so no negotiation. no
rationalizations, no minimization and no bullshit. if i fuck
up, i tell i fucked up, so i can do better tomorrow. i feel
good. i slept great! R gave the suggestion of meditation
before bed, and i put on a three hour youtube clip of ocean sounds
and slept like a log. it's one of the things i used to do early
in my recovery. funny, there goes my sponsor's voice
again...'if i stick with the basics i don't have to keep going back
to them'. truth, truth.
i'm
going to the gym in the morning. i'm going to eat a breakfast
that will keep me on track. i'm taking my friend Tina her
cabbage and i'm going to the noon meeting. i'm going to write.
i'm going to make more calls about a venue for a play, and i'm
going to find where i can put a serious casting call and get
responses. i'm taking back what aspects of my life i can, and
the rest depends upon my willingness to be obedient to the process.
i'm sorry, Father. i am going to pray as i should. Your
will, not mine, be done.
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