well, this has been a pretty suck-ass day. sorry it's taken so long to get started, but i've been actively engaged with putting out small fires only to have huge bonfires singe my fucking eyebrows off. to start with, the flu is lingering, but it's diminished quite a bit, praise Jah. so i'm up, and i'm having my coffee, and my sugar's a bit high, and i've taken my insulin, and i've had my breakfast (which is not a 'right' breakfast, more on that in a bit), and i'm going over my book, seeing how close i am to finishing, and i've actually re-drawn the cover picture that i want to use, as my brother doesn't feel he can do the image for it, and it's starting pretty good. Syd had her interview and has another one, and i'm ready to roll. and then it starts.
first, Syd comes out crying and needing comfort because her...other, of some significance, i'm going to say...has broken up with her for no reason. okay. i give hugs, i give suggestions, i share experience, i give wisdom. its all that can be done. then, my desktop, where i'm writing my book and all my other stuff of any importance, is running pretty sluggish. so i save my book, i close files, and i decide on a hard reset, because i just want it to stop dragging. i push the power button, hold for 10 seconds and then release it. and then wait ten seconds and push it to re-start the computer...and i've got a problem. everything comes back up okay, but when i open the Open Office program (no microsoft office) and i hit 'recent files', it comes up empty. not good. so i find Mechanical Jesus manually, go to open it, and it asks for an ASCII filter. which i know nothing about. long story slightly shorter, my book...my hundred and thirty odd pages, my almost 80,000 words, my months and months of a promise to my son...are reduced to 36 pages of hashtags...################################...essentially, for thirty six entire pages. and i can't find it. and i have other MJ pages, but they're just scraps. therefore, i'm going to have to start from the beginning and do it again. i'm still not pleased with that, though i accept that perhaps there are other things that i should be focused on right now.
so i move on. well, i drag away. i wait and i go to the store, big lots, to get supplies for the month. get Syd the wrong pads. but that's okay. still need vacuum cleaner bags, so i'll get to that. i get home. i've bought a thumb drive, 12gigs, so i can take off my computer what i want to save, do a system Recovery and purge everything, in case it was a virus that ate my book. i do exactly that...and now, i'm back to windows 7, which wouldn't be bad, except...microsoft security essentials isn't protecting it because it needs an update to the windows that is installed. windows 10 won't reinstall. nothing will update. i have no writing programs installed and i don't want to install open office again until i know for sure what happened to my book. so. i've walked away from the computer. i've left it in limbo for now. and i'm still a little heated.
back to the eating. i had an omelet for breakfast, but it was a deer meat, potato and cheese omelet with a piece of toast. not bad in itself, but it was more calories than i'd been doing for breakfast at the beginning of the week. then, i had a large bowl of hot and sour soup for brunch. i say that because on my way to the store, i stopped and grabbed 8 spicy chicken nuggets from wendy's. and i had half a container of wedding soup when i got back home, but it was the bad half, with all the pasta thingees floating in it. then i checked my sugar and it was like 290 or some ridiculous number like that. so i cut all carbs in dinner, had a salad with broiled tilapia. my sugar will come down, but that's not the point. i'm allowing spiritual sabotage to take place. this is how the falling apart always happens. i start cheating, and i justify the little things, which makes justifying slightly bigger things easier, and then i don't worry about justifying anything, i just do what i want and omit certain things (like white bread) and say 'it's not as bad as it could be'. well, i want my life back. i'm not going out like a bitch. its not happening. either God is, or God isn't. God is either everything, or God is nothing. and if God is, and God is everything, and i gave my will and life to God to direct me as God sees fit, then i am being hypocritical and i am tempting bad consequences. and i would hope i've learned better than to do that by now. no fool like an old fool they say.
so. meeting tomorrow. reinstall programs i need and start all over again. work on 'The Book Of Lazarus' and 'Mechanical Jesus' at the same time. eat right. pay bills. budget rest of funds. remember to be thankful, because thousands of people didn't wake up at all today, or they woke up in worse situations than i can imagine. this day is a wrap. i am appreciative of this journal, because seeing insanity makes sanity a choice that can be made happily. until tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment