well, it's thursday. it's about over now, thank goodness. i'm winding down slowly, having gotten past the worst of the day. at least i think i have. under any circumstances, i need to log for the day.
i got up on time this morning and the pain in my leg was significantly lessened. i prayed and i read my bible and meditation books, and i took my medicine and some fast acting insulin as well (steroid for inflammation raises my blood sugar). i didn't cook, but i had coffee and water, and i took a shower and shaved, as i was too tired to yesterday. i slid out to work, stopped at BK and got some breakfast, half for the trip, half for the aftertrip.
i went to Aldi's to get dinner for my parents and ended up there much longer as the power to the registers went out and i was in line waiting to purchase my groceries. then i went to the house, got started on coffee for mom and dinner for my parents. my dad was leaving, my mom was on the phone. i got irritated for a second, that she was on the phone but she had called to make sure i was coming by. then i just let it go because it was a foolish irritability. she always wants me to come by, she always wants anyone to come by, she hates being alone, and she is so alone so often who can blame her? but i didn't entertain much, because i didn't really feel like taking about Syd and the baby and what's going on with them. i made them dinner, made my mother a breakfast sandwich, watched some television, napped briefly and then went to grab some lunch and back to work.
the rest of the work day wasn't very eventful, and that was okay. everyone was dropped off safely, we got back safely, i got home safely. i've had dinner, i'm writing poetry, trying to get my book together for putting out the beginning of july. i've got a few dishes to wash, and i'm going to shut it down early today.
what comes next?
Timothy has been brought living into this reality, so it's time to call to schedule my biopsy. do i move on to another job or stay put for a bit longer? i like driving, but i feel i'm much better as an aide than as a driver. i feel the aide position has more meaning. perhaps it's just ego. i've got to start resuming restoration on this property. i guess perhaps i should consider dating again, but dating at this point in life is pretty indulgent and mostly feels silly. i think back on 'liking' someone in high school...the obsession, the need, the overwhelming and uncontrollable longing. the effacement. i feel none of that shit anymore. i think of Rachel, and realize with each passing month we are less what we were, and whatever we could again be is not what we were a year ago. the future looks like the negotiation with my Id and Ego, while my Superego continues silent, wondering if it should bother saying anything at all. i guess i really don't know what all comes next. but for a change, maybe...for the first time in some months, i'm okay with not knowing. i know, i live in a program that espouses acceptance, and usually i'm good with that. but at this point, not knowing is a bitch most often, especially when you feel like you're drowning and the 'not knowing' is not knowing if someone is coming to save your life. but God is saving my life, has been the whole time. and being unaccepting of that is being ungrateful, and being arrogant as well. and i know i can't afford that.
i am grateful for this day, i'm going to update real quick at the Dining Room, and then i'm back to the poetry for a bit. manana, suckers...
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