the burden of growth

sometimes i ponder.  in fact, i often do these days.  and what i ponder, more than most things, is how change happens, and you're not aware of that change, until a moment arises, an event or a simple happening in your life, and you can see clearly how what once was no longer is, and then you can appreciate, or curse, the changes that you've been through.  it sucks.  and it's wonderful all at the same time.  

i felt like crying most of the day.  Seal said, 'It's loneliness that's the killer', and i've always concurred with this sentiment.  however, it's much more than that most times.  it's more the refusal to let go that actually produces the most loneliness.  and that's always a choice.

today, for instance.  yes, i woke up melancholy and unmotivated.  but a change from years past is how it didn't stop me.  i got up, and i ate and took my meds and read my books and got dressed and did the things i was responsible for and to, and i got to work.  that's a vastly different person from even a year ago, when i was on the verge of quitting a job because i separated from Rachel.  

at work, the driving was cool, pickups and deliveries.  there was the usual contact with friends and co-workers, seeing the Boss and having time to mess around with some people.  but i've begun to feel that a lot of that is just part of the act, that i perform to keep people in a distance. when i dig down, i find dissatisfaction, isolation, despair, hauntedness, a void of emotional connection.  and i go through these feelings in silence, because i don't want the clients to feel bad for me.  but at counseling today, i was overwrought in a quiet way.  i felt like crying but i didn't.  i just kept pouring stuff out and the vessel wouldn't empty.  and by the end, i was still feeling   out of sorts with myself.  

the day ended well enough, and i'm home now, having had my company and having sent them on their way.  and my plan was to utilize them sexually as an anesthetic pill, to allow me to numb out.  instead, i talked recovery and broke bread with her and sent her on her way.  and that is new too.  no rationalizing, confessing my tentative plan and just leaving it where it lay and going on with my life.  

i'm tired now, i've taken some strong meds for a possible flare up.  i want to get my thoughts together tomorrow, get to where i feel i can function and clean without having to limp around.  but whatever tomorrow brings, i am grateful that i made it through today.