...holy shit...

i know exactly what happened, but i can't believe it's been 3 days, and it hasn't even entered my mind that i've not been journaling.  wow.  well, here's the deal.  first off, on Sunday night, i was having a toss and turn time, and when i finally got to sleep, i was up and down until finally i was just up, about 1 on monday morning.  no point trying to get back to sleep, though had i managed it it would have been beneficial.  but i was up until i left for work, and i was barely able to stay awake doing the morning run, and i just went to my parent's house and crashed during the lunch period and i was a bit better in the afternoon but only a bit, and i got off work and came home after buying food because i was far too tired for even the simplest of cooking assignments, and i ate and took two neuropathy pills and i went blessedly to sleep for the night, waking in the morning with the alarm after sleeping from about 7pm to 4am.  then i was up, Tuesday, but not much more alert.  alert enough to get through the day with some ease, though, and that was cool.  i made it through the morning, got my parent's dinner made at the break, got through the afternoon and came home and made myself some dinner.  nothing to put me under sleepwise last night, and i woke up about 3 today, ready to try it again. 

that's the overview, damn the specifics for the moment. 

this morning, as i said, i was up at 3.  i didn't do any grooming last night, so i shaved and showered this morning.  i had coffee and did my readings and my medication.  i got dressed and went to Walmart.  i got 2 cards for the driver whose route i've been driving, one for the clients who ride his bus to sign and one for the staff at PCS.  then i did the route.  mind you, i was still tired, it's sort of a constant now.  but i got through the morning fine, and i went to my parent's house.  made my mom coffee.  knew they had leftovers from what i cooked yesterday, so i didn't worry about anything except laying back.  i went to the CA meeting, good turnout but i still had to leave before it ended, which sucks.  i finished out the workday and i came home.  again, overview.

some detail, perhaps?

i've been really, REALLY fucking tired again, for days and days.  i can't seem to pull out of this.  is it depression?  is it some ailment i know nothing about?  the loneliness is a part of it.  i'm comfortable at home, don't get me wrong.  when i get off work, i come here, kick off clothes, put on shorts and a tee shirt and my house shoes, i think, i cook, i wash dishes, i eat and produce waste and i sleep and dream.  it is, intent and purpose, my house.  but it is a lonely home.  i've turned Rachel over to God, turned it over and am working on letting it go.  but that is work, one day at a time.  and i have to get back to my balance of autonomy again.  i'm waiting for Syd to have her child.  i'm sad, weary and anxious.  those are the common emotions right now.  and to climb my feelings, the aides are being phased out and i'm going to be stuck in a driving job.  so, yeah, i'm not doing anything but work and eat.  i sleep early, get up early.  i hope something changes soon, but i don't want to open-end that, as monkey-paw consequences also always suck. 

i'm thankful.  there are people who would kill for a chance to live my life, despite how i feel for it, so i thank Jehovah God for his patience with me.