the void

new levels of exhaustion.  how do you drain and drain?

this was a good day, but i'm spent, and that's a pretty good emptying for me.  i did my get up in stages today, showering but not shaving, reading before i took meds.  i got my breakfast from BK, not feeling like cooking.  i debated on just doing the whole 'get it together', but opted to come home between runs and errands to change clothes in the afternoon.  first runs i challenged myself to leave the turn by turn directions out of sight and use my memory, and i got through it fairly easily.  went to my parent's house, made my mom coffee and a breakfast sandwich and went to counseling.  the session today was much more emotional than i let on.  it's hard to talk about just how far into myself my oldest brother drove me, unconsciously i'm sure.  i never hated him, but i had began to question whether i actually loved him or not.  but i know i do; hurt just makes some things easier to contemplate. 

after counseling i went home.  i shaved my head and face, went and got some lunch from the food truck and i changed my clothes and went back to work.  we went back out and i finished the route without the directions again, even with an alteration for a client that wasn't there and a switching of drop-offs for two of our clients to give the route better continuity.  then the work day was over.  i got a large diet pop at McD's and made my way east.  at Roosevelt park i eventually found the contingency for Martest and i talked with his mother, as she'd requested, to try to help her feel the ground beneath her.  it is all that i could do.  i wasn't going to try to sell her on some faerie tale about things being okay.  i was only willing to remind her she had a right to grieve, that it did not diminish her feelings for her lost child.  i talked to a couple other people, then i went to check on Lonnie.  i walked with him a bit, got to see his grandkids and then i went home.  i had a steak and spinach salad for dinner and Deja came over and is now upstairs crashing. 

it seems i should have something helpful to say to him, to any of them.  but i'm going on instinct rather than experience, and i don't like that.  but i'm asked, or i'm in a position to talk, and i can't see myself saying, 'well, i'd love to try to help but i've not been where you're at yet.'  because it is YET.  we all go there eventually, and you try to help because one day you will need help getting through too.  but it takes a lot of energy, it takes a lot out of you, and it leaves a void until there's something that fits to put in its place.  and guess what that this usually is?

i thank my Father for a good day.