people know this, they realize it, but it doesn't always register. sometimes, things just take it right out of you, just drain the tank down to the fumes, and you have to stop and shut it down or you'll crash. that was yesterday for me. that was the deal with trying to get things on a better footing with my brother. hell, maybe that was the deal with the past 10 years of my life, non-stop.
so the day started as they do. i was reluctant to rise, as it's been cold in the mornings, but i got up anyway. i got my prayer in, got breakfast and spiritual food in, got medicated, got dressed and got gone. i had an interview at 10 and i wanted to be prepared for that as well. i got to work, got my pre-trip stuff done and i got my ass gone. i have been trying to get better with the route, trying to get it memorized, and i did a lot better yesterday, not asking for directions in the morning, not using the turn by turn paper directions in the afternoon.
couple things got me started, i guess. one was a client who it's been said loves the song 'Amazing Grace', and one of the workers at her workshop who is obviously burned out by the job. i don't think she's a bad woman, i think she's just grown calcified and obtuse over the years and through the process of all the changes she's seen. apparently her sister sang Amazing Grace for this young lady who is wheelchair bound and barely able to communicate, and she's loved the song since but the woman won't sing it for her, and when she talks about it and the young lady hoots and laughs she repeats the sound, but it's in a condescending way. i've seen her do the same thing to Andre on my 'real' bus.
the other thing is realizing that the Boss is kinda pissed with me, and i can't do anything about it because our personalities are too much alike. she got the parents to fight for me, and i know it seems very ungrateful of me to just move on and start training to drive, but i have to look at how there are only 4 aides left, and only three of them were listed on yesterday's schedules. the other routes, Dee's included, have 'NAN' in the space for an aide's name, and you can guess what that stands for. even the route i'm driving now doesn't have approval for an aide. so it would just have been being somewhere until they decided to enforce the position of the corporate level, which they'd do as soon as they had no choice, parents and clients be damned. i wanted a skill i could take immediately somewhere else, and i have that now.
in fact, to start wrapping this up, the interview went well enough, and i could have had the job, but they're paying minimum wage and i'm not leaving where i am to drive almost the same distance for crazier hours and less money. but i am a commodity as a driver, and a commodity as an aide as well.
good part of the day; another client sings in his choir, sang the Star Spangled Banner for us two days prior as he did at a Clippers game. i asked him, and he sang 'Amazing Grace' for the girl in the wheelchair and she was overjoyed, and it was a lovely thing, and i thank Jehovah for the components of happiness and for the discernment to put them together.
hard thing next. i have had it on my mind that i needed to start fixing things with Rick, my oldest brother. we've been on non-speaking terms for a long time, though we say hello and all that jazz. (i read a meditation book yesterday speaking on how cordiality was more than just the perfunctory contact with no emotion, and it got me started on the path for that day) i had had my mom tell him it was time for us to talk, and after work i went over the parent's house and he and i spoke on the porch.
my brother is not doing well, it seems. emotionally, and a lot of physical and mental compromise as well. it's never been unknown to me, but it's never been the greatest concern either, as we all have our problems. the reason i'd wanted to do this thing was because of the scripture that stated how you have to make peace with your brother to make a proper offering to God at the altar. and i realized i'd been hypocritical for years, asking Jehovah for progress while standing still with Rick. so i talked to him, and i told him where i was, and what i wanted. we're all older now, and we're all still alive, parents included. that balance can't hold for much longer. there's no reason to die without peace, without cordiality at least. i forgave him when he asked for it, though he truly has no idea what he ever did, and i knew he didn't. that's part of what made it so hard to approach, knowing him to be ignorant OF his actions (get it?) but it also made it more important. the essence of 'forgive and forget' is allowing the other person to forget the wrongs, not forgetting them yourself. you have that choice, but true forgiveness is allowing them to not live under the burden of their actions that hurt you. and it is possible. and to give them that freedom allows me to have it as well. "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us". i told him it was a start only, that we can be cordial, build the destroyed bridge, but reconciliation is the traveling of that bridge, and that may not happen. but there will be peace. it was exhausting. it was losing a piece of myself. and that's a good thing, i believe.
then i visited Lonnie, who just had surgery and is in a great deal of discomfort and pain. that was hard as well. i don't have a lot of friends, and for one of the few i have left and one of the best i've ever had to be so compromised hurts my heart. but i hung out for a bit, talked with him and his wife, and came home. i'd eaten dinner over there (that i got on my way) and i just had nothing left to give the day. Syd has not given birth yet. today (Friday) is Martest's memorial whatever it is at the park, and i am going to get ready for this day. thank you, Father, for your spirit.
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