Continuum...

things move on, time goes forward, and we do little more than hold on for the ride, and try to enjoy the experiences as best we can.  doesn't matter who we are.  while we ride, we're holding on.  when it's time, we let go.  kicking and screaming does no good, though we're human and we'll try. 

I am laying on my bed at the moment.  it's hot as a summer day, about 93 right now.  it will likely be hotter tomorrow, but that's okay too.  what i've planned, i've done, by God's grace, and the rest is just gravy.  so like when i got up this morning and said my prayer, my intention was to go to breakfast with Lonnie, see Syd and LZ, and finish my laundry.  all done.  secondary was to write some poetry, get at least The Last Recovering Man finished (done and done), and make sure i got the meat for the burgers for wednesday's meeting.  done.  i'm not hurting, my sugar is better without the prednisone, i've spoken to TP, my mother, WY, i've seen my daughter and her boyfriend and my grandson.  i've had my dinner and taken food for them to eat.  i'm doing as little as i can from this point, because i don't feel like fighting against the heat.  but that's okay too.  why manufacture busy work just to be in motion on a day suited for motionlessness?

i am grateful, i got to see my daughter and her child.  i can only say thank you to Jehovah for a wonderful day. 

The Dining Room

What's Next?

 

well, it's thursday.  it's about over now, thank goodness.  i'm winding down slowly, having gotten past the worst of the day.  at least i think i have.  under any circumstances, i need to log for the day.  

i got up on time this morning and the pain in my leg was significantly lessened.  i prayed and i read my bible and meditation books, and i took my medicine and some fast acting insulin as well (steroid for inflammation raises my blood sugar).  i didn't cook, but i had coffee and water, and i took a shower and shaved, as i was too tired to yesterday.  i slid out to work, stopped at BK and got some breakfast, half for the trip, half for the aftertrip.  

i went to Aldi's to get dinner for my parents and ended up there much longer as the power to the registers went out and i was in line waiting to purchase my groceries.  then i went to the house, got started on coffee for mom and dinner for my parents.  my dad was leaving, my mom was on the phone.  i got irritated for a second, that she was on the phone but she had called to make sure i was coming by.  then i just let it go because it was a foolish irritability.  she always wants me to come by, she always wants anyone to come by, she hates being alone, and she is so alone so often who can blame her?  but i didn't entertain much, because i didn't really feel like taking about Syd and the baby and what's going on with them.  i made them dinner, made my mother a breakfast sandwich, watched some television, napped briefly and then went to grab some lunch and back to work.  

the rest of the work day wasn't very eventful, and that was okay.  everyone was dropped off safely, we got back safely, i got home safely.  i've had dinner, i'm writing poetry, trying to get my book together for putting out the beginning of july.  i've got a few dishes to wash, and i'm going to shut it down early today.  

what comes next?  

Timothy has been brought living into this reality, so it's time to call to schedule my biopsy.  do i move on to another job or stay put for a bit longer?  i like driving, but i feel i'm much better as an aide than as a driver.  i feel the aide position has more meaning.  perhaps it's just ego.  i've got to start resuming restoration on this property.  i guess perhaps i should consider dating again, but dating at this point in life is pretty indulgent and mostly feels silly.  i think back on 'liking' someone in high school...the obsession, the need, the overwhelming and uncontrollable longing.  the effacement.  i feel none of that shit anymore.  i think of Rachel, and realize with each passing month we are less what we were, and whatever we could again be is not what we were a year ago.  the future looks like the negotiation with my Id and Ego, while my Superego continues silent, wondering if it should bother saying anything at all.  i guess i really don't know what all comes next.  but for a change, maybe...for the first time in some months, i'm okay with not knowing.  i know, i live in a program that espouses acceptance, and usually i'm good with that.  but at this point, not knowing is a bitch most often, especially when you feel like you're drowning and the 'not knowing' is not knowing if someone is coming to save your life.  but God is saving my life, has been the whole time.  and being unaccepting of that is being ungrateful, and being arrogant as well.  and i know i can't afford that.

i am grateful for this day, i'm going to update real quick at the Dining Room, and then i'm back to the poetry for a bit.  manana, suckers...

Justification (or bullshit)

i am going through some changes, and that's a constant.  it's life, it is on life's terms and it's not going to stop until life does.  so i am weary, but i'm not surprised and it's time to move forward.

i got up yesterday and i was in some discomfort.  i'd been hurting the day before, and i did a soak in the tub, epsom salt and the whole nine, and got meds in and to bed early, but i woke up with the same  shit.  left knee just paining me, can walk with a limp but the knee feels unresponsive, i guess is a good way to put it.  i prayed (as i'm about to do) and took meds, i read my scripture and my meditation books, i had coffee and water.  and then i went to work.  i got fast food breakfast on the way, just not feeling like cooking.  the morning went well enough, everyone accounted for, delivered to workshops without incident. 

during the interim hours i went to Walmart (which was closing due to a power outage), got breakfast stuff and took it to my parent's house, cooked for them, had coffee with my mother, went to Austintown to see Syd and Joe and the baby, brought some food for Syd and myself (not really knowing if Joe was there), i fed and held the baby til he went to sleep and i talked a bit to Syd.  then i went back to work.

by the time i returned to work, the limp was more pronounced, the pain was more intense and i had to focus more on the details in order to get past the pain.  but i did get past it, and i got us back to the shop and got myself home.  i didn't do anything constructive, just watched some Hulu and youtube and then ate  the other half of my sub from the day before.  i talked to Lonnie earlier in the day but not in the evening.  he's tired most of the day, more so than before his surgery.  i had some difficultly catching my mother later in the day as well, though calling her cell phone got me through.  i just tried to go to sleep and let the day end, hoping that would bring some relief from this pain, but no such animal exists.  i have awakened with the knee hurting, with cramps in my right foot and leg.  it's 330.  i should be sleep, but i'm up.  i know that's going to wear on the day, but it is going to have to do.  at least i was prone for most of the evening. 

where did my motivation go?  i don't feel the despondency, or the disconnect, that i was last week, but i also don't feel motivated to do the shit that is on my plate.  i have good elements, but can't seem to construct them into a good product, if that makes some sort of sense.  well, i have to keep trying.  its all i know to do. 

i am grateful, i got to spend some time with LT (temporary nickname) and Syd, and i did get an offer of my own route at the job, which would lock me into an actual schedule.  i am blessed, and need to remember that.  thank you, Jehovah, and thank you for the elements that i need to build with. 

Good Enough Monday

monday again.  not bad, as far as monday's go.  i've no real complaints, and i'm about to put the kibbosh on the rest of the day, have a bath and lay it down. so logging this is a good thing, and i'm a bit behind time-wise from my plan, but it's getting done.

start with, i was up too early today.  Syd went back to the hospital, passing large clots, which may or may not be a part of the post-partum experience.  i don't know.  but they kept her overnight.  and i woke to text and check on her, and found i couldn't get through with text and i couldn't do some other things, which necessitated me paying my phone bill, and by that point i was up for the day.  so i prayed, and i stumbled into the bathroom and i got my shit into gear.  very slowly, i might add.  my left knee was paining me so i took a predinsone and then my meds and read my books and had some breakfast.  i got to work later, by choice, but not much, and i did my inspection and got on the road.

everyone was present today, and Peter (my troublesome client, in that he often has trouble deciding to get on the bus) was on point and lively today, so we got the morning done quickly.  there was a work meeting, and then i went to see the parents.  my mom was on the phone when i got there, and my dad was asking questions about the baby and Syd, of course.  i was tired, and i didn't fix them food, but my dad fed himself as he and his neighbor were going to work on the attic ceiling, and my mom made herself some lunch.  i grabbed a sandwich from Subway and went back to work.  the afternoon also went smoothly, though i thought the main keys for my bus were lost.  i found them in my vest pocket later and returned both sets to the office.

went to Aldis, picked up some grapes, cereal and bread, and went to Lonnie's to take him some cheese and sit briefly.  i've had dinner and i'm about to run my bath, as i said. it takes a bit to run, but i still want to get at least the details of the journey completed first.

to be honest, i am feeling some better.  i don't exactly know why.  it may be my grandson, it may be the visit on Saturday, it may be acceptance starting to root deeper in the soil of my thoughts.  whatever the case, it is Jehovah and i am grateful.  i did the meeting yesterday.  i've checked my attitudes and am working on them best as i can right now.  i'm eating better, i'm feeling stronger.  my reflexes are pretty good.  i just want to get through the next day, should i awaken to it.  i have no major plans, though i should put the rest of this poetry together for this book and start getting the pictures i need.  but the thing is, i don't feel as empty now, don't feel quite so alone.  it helped talking to VF on friday, though i didn't think it did at the time, and it definitely helps to stay in motion.  so, i'm going to try to log the food, exercise in the morning and get the day done smooth as possible.  and i'm going to keep working on being grateful to my Father, because i should be, especially when i'm not.  good enough for the day, right?

Respite...

 

Sunday morning.  it's been a week, one hell of a week to be honest.  and now the weekend ends and the new week is about to begin, by God's grace.  i'm good, i guess.  better than i was at the end of the work week, i feel that.  i don't know if i'm feeling motivated, but i am currently working on a soup, and that's always a good sign for me.

Syd and the baby are home from the hospital.  it was Syd who had to stay, with low blood and low iron.  the baby was discharged the day after being born apparently.  what a system, eh?  money rules every decision.  but they're both okay, they're at home, be it ever so humble or whatever it is.  Chris expressed concern about the lack of cleanliness of the apartment, but i can only hope that they realize that and work on getting it together.  not so much for the sake of the baby, but for the sake of themselves as a family.  change is required.  for all of us.

i had company last night.  i finally just allowed what was going to happen to happen, and i have no regrets, or few anyway.  i don't know if it's the continuation of grieving what i let go of last year or if it's just a general lack of belief in any true emotional connection bringing about genuine support and partnership in my own endeavors, after having tried so hard for so long to be that to another person in my life.  but whatever it is, i needed the physicality and the company, and i do like the individual and offer all disclaimers about my mental and emotional state at this time.  it's the best i can do. 

my mom is home, she's still confused, still trying to figure out how to not be 70+ years old, and still not willing to just consider that she doesn't have to do or be everything to everyone.  but it's okay.  she's going to be what she's going to be, and nothing i or anyone else says is going to change that.  when God wants her to be something else, she will be. not because I say things should be different.

i've prayed and taken my medicines and read my books and had my breakfast today.  i'm working on a soup, just combining things to put something together.  i'm going to my meeting, going to the store afterwards.  i'm going to take it easy today and get ready for work tomorrow.  i feel okay.  i should consider writing, but i don't know if that's going to happen.  all i know is it's been a week, it is a good respite, and soon enough returns the routine.  i actually am grateful, my grandson is okay, my child is okay, my mother is okay enough, and i feel pretty okay right now.  Thank you, Father. 

Echoes of other Birth Days...

this is life.
this is how things begin.  every time in human and animal affairs.  the reminder that we are all connected, all creatures upon this planet.  that we are all a continuation, that we crave that continuation. 

my grandson.  i am glad that he is alive.  i wish this were a less stupid world, that he was born under ideal circumstances.  but not one of us choose the environs of our becoming.  ne did not either. 

my mother is in the hospital.  i will go see her today.  my parents are getting older.  time runs short, time begins, time ends.  Sydney didn't get to meet my mother's mother.  she was less than one year old when my grandmother died.  she got to meet my father's mother, who blessed her directly, strong enough to stave off the death that cancer had brought to her to give her wisdom to her tribe before she left this reality.  Sydney met bother of her grandfathers.  or, should i say, both on my side of the family line.  she'll never know her mother's father, because her mother never knew her father. 

i have been exhausted.  i slept as a stone last night.  i'm certain that the power went out at some point, but i didn't know because i was fast asleep.  i've eaten breakfast this day, taken medicine and read my books and i'm getting ready to go to work.  i'll go to counseling and i'll go see my mother. 

i hope this one gets to see his grandmother before she's gone. 

i am grateful, i just wish i knew why i wasn't more connected to things. 

CARRYING ON...

it's Wednesday night.  i'm just out of the shower, having cleaned myself and shaved my head and face.  i've eaten dinner and dessert quite some time ago.  i'm about to get my things together and head back to the Boardman St. E's to stay with my child and her child, on it's first night in the human world.  i could neglect to do this, and justifiably so.  but since i am currently at home, there is no need to pretend i can't update, and so i do.

two days worth, i guess.  yesterday wasn't bad at all, except for knowing that i was going to end up sleep deprived today.  i was up, prayed and meditated and medicated and fed and watered and out the door in typical fashion. i had taken it upon myself to do a pre-trip check for a woman on the job who is currently doing someone else's job, as they're on vacation.  the woman i'm tending to is one of the few who were relatively kind to me from the beginning, so i am cool with helping her out.  the day went well enough, all the pick-ups were as they should have been, and i ended up at my parent's for my break.  by that point i'd already learned that my child was going to the hospital to have her labor induced, and so i had to rearrange thought more than action, because everything was in the evening and was still in the 'able to alter plans' state.

i went to the hospital, where her mother already was, and i sat and actually ended up nodding off there.  the child's father showed up and sat next to her all night.  it occurs to me that, should they actually learn to communicate and be responsive rather than reactionary, they might make a good couple.  but isn't that true of so much of the world?  in the morning i went to my car, got my work clothes, changed in the ER bathroom and made my way across town, and that would be this morning.

i was tired, no mistake.  i found a cup of coffee outside Syd's room and that helped some, and i had some breakfast from BK, but by the end of the first runs my ass was on the ground.  i did say my prayer that morning, in my car in the ER parking lot, but i didn't bring my books.  my plan at that point was to go to my parent's house, crash for a couple hours and then go to my meeting, and then get some coffee, get the workday done and head back to the hospital.  the best laid plans, however...

Syd sent word through her mother that she wanted me, so i gathered the pieces of myself and forwent my nap and just went back to the hospital. i sat with Syd until she mellowed and nodded, went to get Chris and I some lunch (and Joe a sandwich) and then sat a bit longer before returning to work.  when i got back, i was in a severe sleep deficit.  the world had grown soft around the edges and i was not sure i was dealing in a comprehensive reality anymore.  i got the run done, and i got us home safely.  i didn't even try, even though i was receiving word the birth was happening.  i came home, got myself something from the food cart, ate and laid it down.  mostly resting, but some nodding as well.  i had to; i am beat up.  and now, i have groomed so i can just dress and head back to the hospital for another overnight.  not going to leave as early, and not going to try to muscle through the day either.  i'm going to sleep as much as i can while i'm there and make my way to work to do the day.

i've no stats on the child yet, when i do i will post them sure thing.  but i have a lot of gratitude.  my biggest worry was that Syd would be okay, and she is. i am grateful to Jehovah for taking care of all of them, and for taking care of me too.

Restoration & Quasi-blindness

well, it's monday.  and i feel i'm off to a good start to the week.  but this has been a strange sort of day.  it is hot now, and i'm about to try using the furnace fan to cool things off a hair, just as an experiment.  i feel okay, and it's not by chance, but it is by God's grace and i am grateful for it.

to start, i took a bath yesterday.  i don't know if i mentioned that, but i did.  an honest to goodness, run water and climb in, shave in the tub, keep reheating the water, moan and groan while wringing the cloth of hot, scented water down my very neglected back, BATH.  and it was, while short due to the tub plug not working properly, Glorious.  i soaked as long as i could, washed and got out dried and scented and feeling pretty damn okay.  that led to a good sleep, with no additives.  and i got up about 330, and i was okay with that too. 

i had a good breakfast (i'll be updating at the Dining Room starting today) and i got dressed in new shorts and mostly new tennis shoes.  i was looking and feeling pretty damn good.  i got to work early, did my pre-trip, did the pre-trip for a driver who's always been kind to me as she was working the desk, and i got the morning done.  but not without strange incident...

to start with, before i got too far, my glasses (pictured), broke.  yes, broke.  the handle on the right side just slid off the fitting that allows it to fold and unfold, and fell to the bus floor.  i drove the morning with the frame perched on my nose, slightly askew but balanced and held with the other arm.  the pickups were going fine...and then something beneath my shirt BIT ME.  bit the fuck out of me too, i might add.  i stayed in control, God's grace, but i was frantically trying to make sure whatever it was was done biting me.  i've had a thing under my shirt just treat my torso like Golden Corral buffet before...not fun.  it was just one bite though, and it did raise skin, otherwise i'd have been convinced someone was doing some voodoo on me.

we had a meeting at work, and then i went to my parent's house.  i glued the arm back on with Gorilla Glue at work and left the glasses there to set, so i was driving impaired...just like my dear old Dad...ironic, right?  i was a bit moody when i got there, as my mom was interrogating me as to my well being rather than talking about herself and her fall on saturday.  but i napped a bit, ate some fruit and drank some water and then i was good to go.  i made mom coffee, made them both a lunch sandwich and made my way back to work.  thought about food, but got a double shot of espresso and a small bag of chips instead. got to be smarter than the weather if you can.

the day finished well, though i have the keys to the bus i drive and must remember them in the morning.  i got subway, chips and a diet ginger ale for dinner and i've eaten.  Lonnie may come by, he may not.  i am writing this now to be certain i blog everything that i need to.  i exercised in the morning when i got up and i plan to do it again.  i am not hungry, not angry, and not especially tired, except for the humidity drain. 

as for lonely, i am.  but it's not the worst thing in the world.  i helped the Boss clean her bus today.  i am constantly surrounded by people who need me and appreciate the role i have in their lives right now.  i have a couple good friends, some people who do love me and some people i do love very much.  yes, i'm blessed, and i would do well to remember that.  so, out of the HALTs, i got an L functioning at the moment.  it'll do for now.

thank you, Father, for a new day, and for all the solutions that come with listening to you and doing what is in front of me. 

Important Unimportant things...

well, it's supposedly Father's Day.  it's definitely Sunday.  a good enough day, a peaceful day.  i did not do much of anything, and i'm happy about that.  i'm updating my Journey, and i'm happy about that as well. 

i got up this morning and i said my prayer.  i had decided on a frittata for breakfast so i knew how that was going to fall, but i did read and take my meds as i fixed my food.  i ate, and i chilled some more, hard to get moving on a Sunday.  sort of a day for watching time run out and the weekday to bring me more errant nonsense.  i finally got up, made up the sofa in the living room and my bed and vacuumed in here.  i finished a series of anime that i started yesterday, i went to my meeting and had a good time and some strawberry pie.  i didn't do anything particular for the day, not for me, not for my dad, though i did call him to wish him a happy father's day.  i heard from my older brothers, and  i sent the eldest a link to my author page.  i had the rest of my taco salad early lunch fashion, and had a nice dinner as well. 

thing is, i've been allowing myself a good portion of misery lately,and i really need to get past that.  and its a hot evening, hotter than the day was.  and i decided earier that i had to check and see if this tub was good for taking a bath.  so i washed dinner dishes, i ran a bath and i bathed and shaved.  i have to buy an external plug for it, but it did well enough.  and i can say, it was what i needed.  lit incense, put on music and just laid back.  and i feel so refreshed, i feel ready for tomorrow already. 

so, it was a thing that i didn't know i needed, but that i'm very glad i did.  and i thank my Father for the day of rest, for the easy weekend, and i'm ready to get back to the grind tomorrow. 

Clearing away some of the wreckage

all the people i have been,
all the nothing i have seen,
where the world begins and ends
is where the nightmare turns
to dream,
and nothing is quite what
it seems...

i am going back, and i guess it's important to remember.  i am journeying, on a daily basis, and never once was it promised that it would all be pleasant.  i am traveling at the speed of spirit trapped within flesh, and any journey of being imprisoned is a sad journey.  i am in transition, and from day to day i don't know what i will be next.

but the Steps are fixed, my space is bound in time and dimension, and i am not a Gallifreyan. 

today i cleaned, and it was very hard.  i'm not quite done, but i've done quite a bit.  when i got up, i was struggling to motivate.  i had said prayers and taken my medicines and had breakfast, but i ended up back in the bed.  at least i put my clothes into the dryer before i lay back down. 

i got up, still early, and i got it going.  got clothes from the basement and took them and my supplies to the 2nd floor.  i hung up my clothes, cleaned the bathroom and swept and mopped the bathroom and office floor.  i pulled all the poetry out of the book TOTEMS, and put them into an untitled file for now, and started a new collection called TOTEMS AND SPELLS, more a reflection of the societal value system than the previous one.  it's how it should be.  and it will still be ready by the end of June.  i listened to some music.  i got my ass moving and i came downstairs and started on the kitchen.  i took a quick break for a sandwich, then i cleaned the bathroom downstairs, cleaned the kitchen surfaces, and swept and mopped both floors.  i went to the food cart for lunch, and then it was a lazing about day from there. 

this evening, i got a call from my mother that she'd fallen in her room, not a bad fall but she couldn't get up and my father couldn't help her.  i went by and helped her get off the floor and into her chair and my dad called the paramedics.  it was funny and sad to hear how he embellished the story of her fall for anyone he talked to.  i made sure she was okay and i came back home.  i've been watching some anime, some television.  i had a bit of taco salad and some ice cream, which made me happy.  i've checked on Lonnie on the phone, and now i'm about to put on some music and check out for the evening.  meeting tomorrow, a bedroom to clean and vacuum and a couch to straighten in the living room.  work to prepare for.  Father's Day, for whatever that's worth.  i feel better, but i keep taking hits of the thing i should be completely abstaining from.  so apparently, i'm not going to abstain right now.  it's going to hurt, but i'm going to walk the road i'm on.  i am still grateful and i will try my best to remain so.  i am thankful to Jehovah for his blessing in my life, allowing me to carry a message rather than to rob someone's spirit house yesterday.  i'm done for the moment. 

the burden of growth

sometimes i ponder.  in fact, i often do these days.  and what i ponder, more than most things, is how change happens, and you're not aware of that change, until a moment arises, an event or a simple happening in your life, and you can see clearly how what once was no longer is, and then you can appreciate, or curse, the changes that you've been through.  it sucks.  and it's wonderful all at the same time.  

i felt like crying most of the day.  Seal said, 'It's loneliness that's the killer', and i've always concurred with this sentiment.  however, it's much more than that most times.  it's more the refusal to let go that actually produces the most loneliness.  and that's always a choice.

today, for instance.  yes, i woke up melancholy and unmotivated.  but a change from years past is how it didn't stop me.  i got up, and i ate and took my meds and read my books and got dressed and did the things i was responsible for and to, and i got to work.  that's a vastly different person from even a year ago, when i was on the verge of quitting a job because i separated from Rachel.  

at work, the driving was cool, pickups and deliveries.  there was the usual contact with friends and co-workers, seeing the Boss and having time to mess around with some people.  but i've begun to feel that a lot of that is just part of the act, that i perform to keep people in a distance. when i dig down, i find dissatisfaction, isolation, despair, hauntedness, a void of emotional connection.  and i go through these feelings in silence, because i don't want the clients to feel bad for me.  but at counseling today, i was overwrought in a quiet way.  i felt like crying but i didn't.  i just kept pouring stuff out and the vessel wouldn't empty.  and by the end, i was still feeling   out of sorts with myself.  

the day ended well enough, and i'm home now, having had my company and having sent them on their way.  and my plan was to utilize them sexually as an anesthetic pill, to allow me to numb out.  instead, i talked recovery and broke bread with her and sent her on her way.  and that is new too.  no rationalizing, confessing my tentative plan and just leaving it where it lay and going on with my life.  

i'm tired now, i've taken some strong meds for a possible flare up.  i want to get my thoughts together tomorrow, get to where i feel i can function and clean without having to limp around.  but whatever tomorrow brings, i am grateful that i made it through today.  

one more...

i have to ask myself often, just how ungrateful am i?  i have all my needs met, all my ask for's are in my hand, and i am feeling sad and alone.  i hate this.  i hate that i feel this way and i hate the way it lingers.  i don't even know what's real.  when i go to work, i laugh and i interact with the clients, and they respond, and i don't think their response would be so quick if it was some kind of bullshit i was dealing them.  but at the same time, i find myself hoping for someone, ANYone, to show through, just to have another voice to interact with.  it's hard.  i am alone, but i'm not.  and i will find peace, but that's down the road somewhere.  it seems to not be for me to know, and i have no choice but to live with that.

the day went fine, the route was easy, the break was restful, and i'm home.  i'm about to go to sleep.  but i journaled.  i have things to do.  '...miles to go before i sleep'.  god, i hope not. 

it was a good day, and if i'm not grateful, i truly should be. 

...holy shit...

i know exactly what happened, but i can't believe it's been 3 days, and it hasn't even entered my mind that i've not been journaling.  wow.  well, here's the deal.  first off, on Sunday night, i was having a toss and turn time, and when i finally got to sleep, i was up and down until finally i was just up, about 1 on monday morning.  no point trying to get back to sleep, though had i managed it it would have been beneficial.  but i was up until i left for work, and i was barely able to stay awake doing the morning run, and i just went to my parent's house and crashed during the lunch period and i was a bit better in the afternoon but only a bit, and i got off work and came home after buying food because i was far too tired for even the simplest of cooking assignments, and i ate and took two neuropathy pills and i went blessedly to sleep for the night, waking in the morning with the alarm after sleeping from about 7pm to 4am.  then i was up, Tuesday, but not much more alert.  alert enough to get through the day with some ease, though, and that was cool.  i made it through the morning, got my parent's dinner made at the break, got through the afternoon and came home and made myself some dinner.  nothing to put me under sleepwise last night, and i woke up about 3 today, ready to try it again. 

that's the overview, damn the specifics for the moment. 

this morning, as i said, i was up at 3.  i didn't do any grooming last night, so i shaved and showered this morning.  i had coffee and did my readings and my medication.  i got dressed and went to Walmart.  i got 2 cards for the driver whose route i've been driving, one for the clients who ride his bus to sign and one for the staff at PCS.  then i did the route.  mind you, i was still tired, it's sort of a constant now.  but i got through the morning fine, and i went to my parent's house.  made my mom coffee.  knew they had leftovers from what i cooked yesterday, so i didn't worry about anything except laying back.  i went to the CA meeting, good turnout but i still had to leave before it ended, which sucks.  i finished out the workday and i came home.  again, overview.

some detail, perhaps?

i've been really, REALLY fucking tired again, for days and days.  i can't seem to pull out of this.  is it depression?  is it some ailment i know nothing about?  the loneliness is a part of it.  i'm comfortable at home, don't get me wrong.  when i get off work, i come here, kick off clothes, put on shorts and a tee shirt and my house shoes, i think, i cook, i wash dishes, i eat and produce waste and i sleep and dream.  it is, intent and purpose, my house.  but it is a lonely home.  i've turned Rachel over to God, turned it over and am working on letting it go.  but that is work, one day at a time.  and i have to get back to my balance of autonomy again.  i'm waiting for Syd to have her child.  i'm sad, weary and anxious.  those are the common emotions right now.  and to climb my feelings, the aides are being phased out and i'm going to be stuck in a driving job.  so, yeah, i'm not doing anything but work and eat.  i sleep early, get up early.  i hope something changes soon, but i don't want to open-end that, as monkey-paw consequences also always suck. 

i'm thankful.  there are people who would kill for a chance to live my life, despite how i feel for it, so i thank Jehovah God for his patience with me. 

working on discipline

Sunday evening now.  the day is not quite over, but it's moving toward overness.  i'm tired, but that's not new.  it's been a long day, and that's not new either.  but it wasn't a bad day, wasn't a bad weekend, and those are good things.  i have to get myself moving, get ready for the week ahead, or get ready for monday more specifically.  can't prepare for any two days, you can plan for them, but the best preparation i know how to do is for the next day, the next 24.  have to remember that.

so, today was the Big Book meeting.  not a bad turnout, not for that meeting anyway.  didn't get much for the potluck, but i'm working on adjusting my attitude in that avenue as well.  it was the only thing i had as far as my to-do list today, so getting that done was good.  i also got a load of clothes washed and dried (to be put away shortly) and went to my parent's house, gave my dad money and put groceries away and got my mom's cell phone turned on and got food into the oven to heat up for them and got the coffee pot ready for tomorrow.  i took 2 donuts to Lonnie and hung out awhile with him as well.  on my way to the meeting i took pictures riding through the east side for the second op/ed recording i'm doing for Urban SEEN, and i have been working on the text for the national news-based one for the past 24 hours.  i'm getting the spirit woke and warmed up, it is time for some productivity.  yet, there is still that hollowness that i'm nurturing.  i have to walk away again, have to leave it alone.  

i'm going to get back to logging in the Dining Room.  I have to accept this discipline again.  Food is my biggest drug, my longest addiction and the most powerful one for me.  i cannot battle this by force of will, because i've never had the willpower to defeat my craving for emotional numbness.  i am powerless over it, my life is unmanageable by me when i seek to enforce self-control over my craving for carbs, starches and sugars, and the fight makes me crazy.  i have to turn it over and leave it there.  so, i'm going to get back to it.  tomorrow morning, food plan has to go back into effect.  for now, though, i acknowledge that i am working, that i am productive, that i am okay for the moment.  i am going to get rest, i'm going to waken if that is Jehovah's will, and i'm going to do the day that is laid out in front of me.  i am grateful for the many blessings i've had today and i'm thankful if i was able to be a blessing in anyone's life as well.  

the void

new levels of exhaustion.  how do you drain and drain?

this was a good day, but i'm spent, and that's a pretty good emptying for me.  i did my get up in stages today, showering but not shaving, reading before i took meds.  i got my breakfast from BK, not feeling like cooking.  i debated on just doing the whole 'get it together', but opted to come home between runs and errands to change clothes in the afternoon.  first runs i challenged myself to leave the turn by turn directions out of sight and use my memory, and i got through it fairly easily.  went to my parent's house, made my mom coffee and a breakfast sandwich and went to counseling.  the session today was much more emotional than i let on.  it's hard to talk about just how far into myself my oldest brother drove me, unconsciously i'm sure.  i never hated him, but i had began to question whether i actually loved him or not.  but i know i do; hurt just makes some things easier to contemplate. 

after counseling i went home.  i shaved my head and face, went and got some lunch from the food truck and i changed my clothes and went back to work.  we went back out and i finished the route without the directions again, even with an alteration for a client that wasn't there and a switching of drop-offs for two of our clients to give the route better continuity.  then the work day was over.  i got a large diet pop at McD's and made my way east.  at Roosevelt park i eventually found the contingency for Martest and i talked with his mother, as she'd requested, to try to help her feel the ground beneath her.  it is all that i could do.  i wasn't going to try to sell her on some faerie tale about things being okay.  i was only willing to remind her she had a right to grieve, that it did not diminish her feelings for her lost child.  i talked to a couple other people, then i went to check on Lonnie.  i walked with him a bit, got to see his grandkids and then i went home.  i had a steak and spinach salad for dinner and Deja came over and is now upstairs crashing. 

it seems i should have something helpful to say to him, to any of them.  but i'm going on instinct rather than experience, and i don't like that.  but i'm asked, or i'm in a position to talk, and i can't see myself saying, 'well, i'd love to try to help but i've not been where you're at yet.'  because it is YET.  we all go there eventually, and you try to help because one day you will need help getting through too.  but it takes a lot of energy, it takes a lot out of you, and it leaves a void until there's something that fits to put in its place.  and guess what that this usually is?

i thank my Father for a good day. 

Cordiality & Reconciliation

the mind gets tired too.

people know this, they realize it, but it doesn't always register.  sometimes, things just take it right out of you, just drain the tank down to the fumes, and you have to stop and shut it down or you'll crash.  that was yesterday for me.  that was the deal with trying to get things on a better footing with my brother. hell, maybe that was the deal with the past 10 years of my life, non-stop. 

so the day started as they do.  i was reluctant to rise, as it's been cold in the mornings, but i got up anyway.  i got my prayer in, got breakfast and spiritual food in, got medicated, got dressed and got gone.  i had an interview at 10 and i wanted to be prepared for that as well.  i got to work, got my pre-trip stuff done and i got my ass gone.  i have been trying to get better with the route, trying to get it memorized, and i did a lot better yesterday, not asking for directions in the morning, not using the turn by turn paper directions in the afternoon. 

couple things got me started, i guess.  one was a client who it's been said loves the song 'Amazing Grace', and one of the workers at her workshop who is obviously burned out by the job.  i don't think she's a bad woman, i think she's just grown calcified and obtuse over the years and through the process of all the changes she's seen.  apparently her sister sang Amazing Grace for this young lady who is wheelchair bound and barely able to communicate, and she's loved the song since but the woman won't sing it for her, and when she talks about it and the young lady hoots and laughs she repeats the sound, but it's in a condescending way.  i've seen her do the same thing to Andre on my 'real' bus. 

the other thing is realizing that the Boss is kinda pissed with me, and i can't do anything about it because our personalities are too much alike.  she got the parents to fight for me, and i know it seems very ungrateful of me to just move on and start training to drive, but i have to look at how there are only 4 aides left, and only three of them were listed on yesterday's schedules.  the other routes, Dee's included, have 'NAN' in the space for an aide's name, and you can guess what that stands for.  even the route i'm driving now doesn't have approval for an aide.  so it would just have been being somewhere until they decided to enforce the position of the corporate level, which they'd do as soon as they had no choice, parents and clients be damned.  i wanted a skill i could take immediately somewhere else, and i have that now. 

in fact, to start wrapping this up, the interview went well enough, and i could have had the job, but they're paying minimum wage and i'm not leaving where i am to drive almost the same distance for crazier hours and less money.  but i am a commodity as a driver, and a commodity as an aide as well. 

good part of the day; another client sings in his choir, sang the Star Spangled Banner for us two days prior as he did at a Clippers game.  i asked him, and he sang 'Amazing Grace' for the girl in the wheelchair and she was overjoyed, and it was a lovely thing, and i thank Jehovah for the components of happiness and for the discernment to put them together. 

hard thing next.  i have had it on my mind that i needed to start fixing things with Rick, my oldest brother.  we've been on non-speaking terms for a long time, though we say hello and all that jazz.  (i read a meditation book yesterday speaking on how cordiality was more than just the perfunctory contact with no emotion, and it got me started on the path for that day)  i had had my mom tell him it was time for us to talk, and after work i went over the parent's house and he and i spoke on the porch. 

my brother is not doing well, it seems.  emotionally, and a lot of physical and mental compromise as well.  it's never been unknown to me, but it's never been the greatest concern either, as we all have our problems.  the reason i'd wanted to do this thing was because of the scripture that stated how you have to make peace with your brother to make a proper offering to God at the altar.  and i realized i'd been hypocritical for years, asking Jehovah for progress while standing still with Rick.  so i talked to him, and i told him where i was, and what i wanted.  we're all older now, and we're all still alive, parents included.  that balance can't hold for much longer.  there's no reason to die without peace, without cordiality at least.  i forgave him when he asked for it, though he truly has no idea what he ever did, and i knew he didn't.  that's part of what made it so hard to approach, knowing him to be ignorant OF his actions (get it?) but it also made it more important.  the essence of 'forgive and forget' is allowing the other person to forget the wrongs, not forgetting them yourself.  you have that choice, but true forgiveness is allowing them to not live under the burden of their actions that hurt you.  and it is possible.  and to give them that freedom allows me to have it as well.  "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us".  i told him it was a start only, that we can be cordial, build the destroyed bridge, but reconciliation is the traveling of that bridge, and that may not happen.  but there will be peace.  it was exhausting.  it was losing a piece of myself.  and that's a good thing, i believe. 

then i visited Lonnie, who just had surgery and is in a great deal of discomfort and pain.  that was hard as well.  i don't have a lot of friends, and for one of the few i have left and one of the best i've ever had to be so compromised hurts my heart.  but i hung out for a bit, talked with him and his wife, and came home.  i'd eaten dinner over there (that i got on my way) and i just had nothing left to give the day.  Syd has not given birth yet.  today (Friday) is Martest's memorial whatever it is at the park, and i am going to get ready for this day.  thank you, Father, for your spirit.

untitled

it's early Thursday morning.  i have been out and in conscious-wise all wednesday evening, so i'm getting this down before i'm out for the last of the night.  yesterday wasn't very eventful either, but no denying this is sometimes for the best.  i did the regular stuff, i worked and it was all good (had to redo paperwork, have to be more aware, one mistake and a whole sheet has to be redone), i saw my mom and dad, i went to the meeting and the meeting went well.  i got two calls on resumes i've sent out, one which i passed on as they were not offering any money, less than i'm making now.  the other one i've got an interview today between runs, they didn't talk money, i could have asked them on the phone, but i want to see what they are talking about and what they look like in person.  i got to talk to the Boss, she's been not feeling as well, some medicinal stuff, and her route is shorter with Kyle gone to another provider.  it's just change after change here, and that is the stuff of life.  i asked my mother to tell my brother i'd like to talk to him before he's gone again.  maybe that will happen, maybe it won't, but i have no way to contact him other than my mom.  i could get his number, but i want this to be on his time, because it will be on my terms and that would be as much middle ground as is possible.  i'm ready for the end of the week, i know that much.  i am weary, and i'm just ready for a break.  but i'm grateful for all i've been blessed with, and i'm ready to work on the news letter over the weekend.  thank you, Father.

Conciliation

definition: the action of stopping someone from being angry; placation

continuing on the theme from yesterday, for the most part. 

getting up is very hard for me again.  the pain in my body seems to have returned.  coincidentally, so has the cold weather, at least in the morning.  there is so much going on in the world right now, so much in life.  Guatemala and Hawaii with volcanic destruction, the racist resurgence of the rabid right in America, the abject stupidity of most human beings...so much.  it has occurred to me lately that a big part of my low energy is just not wanting to expend my spirit dealing with this bullshit.  but i can't stay down.  it is just time and time to do, to DO, not to keep hypothesizing.  today the runs were pretty good.  no wrong turns, found the houses, memory is kicking in.  paperwork was done correctly.  had another change as far as getting gas, but that was about the worst of the work day.  i made my mom and dad breakfast, i took Syd to lunch, i got the bus that i'm driving cleaned on the inside.  i am just weary most of the day, yet from my bloodwork nothing is wrong with me.  i guess the biopsy will tell something.  and likely they'll end up saying its my weight and it's the not using a C-Pap, so someone else can wet their beak as well. 

i did eat breakfast this morning, took all my meds, read from 1 Chronicles and something from the new testament, though i can't remember the chapter right now.  i am about to shut this all down, get some sleep, have to shower and shave in the morning, or choosing to wait, anyway.  but i want to say that my brother is in town for a week, and i'm going to get word to him tomorrow that we need to talk before he's gone.  that will leave it up to him.  if he splits, then it will just stay where it's at. and if he makes time, then we'll get this done.  but i believe it will.  i want to make my sacrifice, i want the blessing of next level existence.  my actions will determine my truth, however, and i accept that.  i am grateful to Jehovah for the fullness of the passing day.

...Serendipity...

i'm hurting tonight.  pain is strange.  it comes, and you learn to expect it as time goes on.  it does not disappoint, perhaps the one expectation that absolutely does not.  for true pain delivered when expected is exactly what it purports to be, and should it not show up, there is no disappointment in it's absence.  there is only relief, and a resetting of the time clock.

today was not an exceptional day.  i got up on time, got my prayer done, didn't eat breakfast, had coffee and took my medicine and did my readings.  i got dressed and i went to work.  that's all the eventful the morning was.  the run went as well as it could, with a bit of an exception being a motorized wheelchair stopped working and the workers at the shop didn't want to just switch it to manual and physically push it off the lift so we could get on with the day.  but that was about it.  the weekly meeting was full of deceptive half-truths, and i went to my parent's house.  i was already hurting, ankles and knees, and therefore bypassed the gym. 

the end of the day was not much different.  did pick ups early, got everyone home on time, tried a couple new turns not on my directions, got back in at the normal (new) time.  i stopped at the store for a couple things, really hurting by that time.  i got home, washed a load of clothes, made my dinner, fucked around on the computer, put the clothes in the dryer. kitchen is cleaned, i'm pretty much ready for bed now.

two things, maybe three.  first one is, the old gentleman who aides on the bus i'm subbing on, he refuses to learn anything more about the job, the position or the requirements.  i tried to show him about signing off on the IsP books, as i was shown and told by the bosses, and he refused to do it.  got no issue with that, because i still believe (despite their bullshit) that the local offices are heading toward an ending soon.  second thing, the Boss was late today.  and she seemed to be on a different route but i can't say that for certain.  i texted her this evening, checking up on her, and got her usual brief response which is mostly just irritating but it is not surprising.  i'll keep an eye on her.

third thing is, my eldest brother is in town.  he got in this afternoon while i was at my mother's house.  i talked a bit to him, then i went back to work.  that's the deal with the Serendipity as the title.  i have been thinking that i need to make peace with him. not that i feel i did anything wrong to him, but more to the focus of wanting to not die outside the temple, so to speak.  but i've not put much effort into enacting that thought.  now, 'coincidentally, he is in town.  and now, i have to put action behind talk.  and i have to pray for willingness and pray for guidance because this is not going to be any kind of easy. 

but what worthwhile thing ever truly is?

thank you, Father.

rest

it's monday morning.  i am updating from this weekend, as i don't believe i logged over the past two days.  though i may have, i just don't recall. 

there was nothing spectacular that happened, though i did follow through on some things i'd set as to-do items in my day.  yesterday i put in a lot of applications online, and the day before i finished a letter to Rachel.  i didn't clean this weekend, but i did grill on Saturday, and i did have company by for dinner yesterday.  i went to my meeting on Sunday, and i went to my parent's house and helped my mother with her c-pap machine. 

i talked to DeJa and i didn't get off into a bunch of needless spending.  i don't know the significance of that, but it felt right. 

at the moment, one of my concerns is my new computer, which is unresponsive to the mouse.

today i'm going to work and see my parents. i'm going to pay some bills and i'm going to get some exercise in.  i'm going to try to write.  i'm going to do the things that i have in front of me to do.  it's all i can really plan for. 

for the first time, i'm not really all that into going to work today.  i'm sure it has to do with the driving aspect of what i'm doing now.  it truly is not to my liking.  but i did, in truth, put myself in that position. 

i am grateful to God for this day ahead, and for restful days over the weekend.

Weekend Begins...

sometimes, the conventional rules are a hindrance to any real progress.  often, in fact, this is the case.  think about the history of human beings in this country.  once upon a time, convention was that blacks were lower beings, women were 2nd class citizens, ethnic groups were somehow less than the established whites who raped and pillaged their way into possession of this continent.  children worked in dangerous factories, cocaine was in soft drinks and opiates were found in over the counter medicine.  things changed because people challenged the conventional wisdom of those eras and ages.  and while some of those things only changed on the surface (well, most of them, to be honest) the spirit of the effort was in the best interest of the parties involved. 

it is now saturday morning.  i am about to say my prayer and begin my day.  before i do, i want to update about yesterday.  i started as usual, and i drove the bus all day.  did the pre-trip inspection, filled out the paperwork, ran the route.  it wasn't bad, but i don't really enjoy it.  not so much because of the responsibilities, because once you know what you're supposed to do, you do it and be done with it.  i don't prefer it because it reduces people, the clients, to a schedule, a timetable and a log sheet.  i don't enjoy people as statistics; never have and doubt if i have enough life left to learn to.  but, this is my step along the way, to whatever comes next, and i won't shirk my responsibility.

the ride was smooth enough, we got everyone where they needed to be, i got my parent's breakfast fixed and my counseling done.  i had a good lunch, got some adjustments done on a securing strap for one of our wheelchair riders and got the second half of the day on.  traffic construction, traffic construction, traffic construction.  and the grief of a young man who is watching his workshop aide going away for a period.  it was sad, and it made the point evident i was talking about before.  because i knew another young man who was filled with sadness as well, one of my friends from the Boss' route.  and it tore at my heart, but what was most important was...getting him on the bus so the route could be finished.  and that's something brand new for me. 

but he got on the bus, the route was finished, and the day and week are done.  i am writing and grilling today, greens are just about done, ribs and chicken breasts are prepped and ready for the grill.  going to put in some applications too.  just get the day done in a reflective, solitary mode and see what comes if i put some good bait on some good lines in some good water. 

i thank you, Jehovah, for taking me to the good water. 

First Full Sub Driver Day

well, again i'm writing in the morning.  perhaps this is just the better way for me to recap, though it feels a lot like compromise.  nothing wrong with compromise, but it shouldn't be a substitute for discipline. 

the day wasn't bad at all, though it was tense throughout, and i guess perhaps that was the issue at hand.  when i got home, i was wrung out, dishrag style, and managed to cook something simple and put my ass down to sleep.  didn't intend to sleep, one of those sleeps where i realize i was playing a game that's still on the computer screen hours later. 

but anyway...i had my first full driving day.  it is ironic, regardless of the Boss' assessment that i asked for this.  maybe i did, but i'm rather certain of my motivation. more on that in a bit. 

the day started as normal, except i unthinkingly took a full dose of Lasix, and figured that was going to screw up my day.  it didn't, but i should have been more aware.  i prayed, i finished the book of 2 Kings, i read my meditations, took meds, had half a cup of coffee and half a glass of water.  i got my breakfast from McD's and went to work.  i knew i'd get there at my regular and that there were things that needed to be done.  i still have to go through the client list in the office and sign off on the ISP's, but i will tend to that today.

the pick-ups were okay.  i made two wrong turns, but nothing that took me out of our time zone.  the aide, an older gentleman named Robert, was far more helpful than he thought he would be, but that involves INVOLVEMENT, something that i'm sure the drivers he's encountered didn't bother too much with.  also, the clients usually have a very good idea of how the route goes.  developmentally disabled people, especially high function autistics, tend to memorize patterns and recall them with pinpoint accuracy, and just as with anyone else in the world, their ability shouldn't be overlooked.  so we got through the early part of the day.  got drop offs done, got back to the shop. 

i went to the gym, did weights, went to my parent's house and my mother bought me lunch.  i went back to work and got ready for the afternoon runs, which was  a little more difficult, but not terribly so.  but at the workshops, i had a learning experience that i'm still processing.  one client walks with apparent difficulty, and she asked to be dropped off right at the door.  i have no problem with that,  two things, though:  in picking her up, she walks down a flight of steps and across a driveway, a good fifteen yards, to get to the van.  and it's closer from the bus to the door of the workshop than to the door of her house.  not really a great concern to me, but there was no way to get close to the workshop door to pick her up.  that frustrated me, and i ended up inconveniencing other drivers having to move to get one group and then another group.  other than that, it was okay. 

i had gotten a card for Kyle and his mom, as i won't get to see him before they switch to another transportation provider.  i got a card for Dee because, despite her feeling that i brought this lack of 'aide positioning' on myself, i'm grateful to her for her training me and grateful for her friendship, which is above and beyond still.  which leads into my motivation.

when i asked to train to drive, or when i said that i would, i was watching drivers leaving.  i was watching new people of very questionable ability hiring in, and i was watching aides disappearing.  i have absolutely no intention of staying with PCS.  it is not going to remain in my best interest.  it's confirmed even now, when the regular driver returns i'm going to end up a floater all over again.  and that's not what i desire at all.  catch-22 is, other companies don't post listings for bus aides, they post listings for drivers, and they post for home aides.  i'm not yet trained as a home aide, and don't know if i have what it takes to do that yet.  but i am trained as a bus aide, and i'm now trained as a driver.  therefore, i have something that is of value to a company closer to home, with more stability perhaps.  and that was my motivation; get it while it's paid training.  i also secured from the 2nd in command that she would give me a good referral when i decide to leave.  if she's truthful about that, it's worth quite a bit.  so, i have my reasons.  and there is no security for our aides.  none.  PCS corporate doesn't want to pay out anything it's not receiving back as a profit.  bullshit all you want about being 'focused on family', it's for profit care service, and for profit means 'dead weight' is always expendable.  but, i did pray, did turn it over, and am where i am now, on the road of God's will, going where it takes me.

i am grateful for the blessings of this day, grateful to Jehovah for life.