Week's End

it is friday night.  i'm just getting upstairs today, just sitting down to my computer.  it has been a long, brutally cold day, there's no getting around that phrasing.  it is not a lack of gratitude.  i know for a fact that those who have nowhere to go are in trouble today.  i cannot pretend that being here, in my grandparent's home, is not a blessing. but the cold comes through the walls, through poorly sealed entrances, through the floors, it sweeps through my body as if my flesh were made of tissue.  when i have to be outside, it is as if a thousand small knives are shredding into me.  but i am alive.  i did the major things that needed doing today.  and i thank Jehovah for his kindness.

i beat my alarm clock, for a change.  i don't often have it set anymore, but i did this morning because i knew getting up and getting business done was imperative.  i'd found the payment to AAA was done from the wrong bank account and needed to resolve the issue asap.  so i was up, but the cold was up before me and my heart balked at the thought of leaving the house.  but i prayed, and i made coffee, and i took my pills and my insulin and i read from Acts and my four meditation books.  i made breakfast and ate, and i got things moving.  slowly, but moving.  I'd started to cancel my counseling appointment, but since i was going to do my banking early, it made no sense not to go, and as always i'm glad i did. 

from there i went to my parent's house.  it was cold there also, but not nearly as cold in their house as in this one.  two degrees can be miles of difference, depending.  i made sure they were okay, got a chance to see my brother leaving as i arrived, and i made my way home.  i had lunch since i'd eaten breakfast so early, and then i talked to Lonnie and i got myself together for my doctor's appointment by taking a shower, jumping back under the comforter to re-acclimate and getting dressed again. 

after counseling i went to Papa's to get some wings to go with the salad i'd made for my dinner. i ate when i got home, and watched some television until now.  that was the essence of the day. 

i found at the doctor that i've lost 5 pounds since starting this changed eating and i am thankful for that. i have to keep moving a day at a time, remembering my powerlessness.  i also found that an acquaintance in the program died at the end of december, and once again i find myself pondering the way i can't just bring tears when someone of questionable character passes away.  if you do more harm than good, then someone is better off with you not in the world.  i know that's not the conventional perspective and might come across as mean, but i said that i wonder about myself in that aspect.  i talked about it at counseling, and i agree with VF that i'm not going to be false with myself above everything else. 

i got a call from Shawnte this morning.  i am always leery anymore, once someone sets a precedence for asking for things, when they try to change the parameters of what you know about them.  i don't think she's a bad person, but i think her motivation is a bit dubious.  and the timing isn't great; i'm leery about people in the throes of this loneliness/isolation i've been experiencing.  i don't make decisions when i know i'm emotionally compromised when i can help it. 

but it wasn't a bad day.  i'm going to log my meals at the Dining Room (https://feedindaface.blogspot.com/) and do some writing before i shut it down for another cold night.  but i am sheltered, so many are not.  i have at least one comforter...some people have none.  i lamented the fact i had no shoes, until i met the man who had no feet.  and i've met that man, therefore thank you, Jehovah, for the feet that keep me moving one day at a time.