well, it's almost Saturday. i'm glad. it's been a rough week, so far. and it should have been a great one, a wonderful changing of perspective. perhaps it was, anyway. time will tell.
i can't remember exactly what i wrote yesterday, but from counseling today i'm assuming i noted that Syd had come over here from going through things with her SO yesterday. she's back home, and that's a good thing. it's a sad reality, you don't know until it shows that you've passed your dysfunction down to your children, and when it does show you have to pray that you've also passed down your learnings from those mistakes, or at least that you've grown wise enough to give sound advisement and suggestion. but either way, it can be sad to see it manifest from the outside.
i was out of my rhythm, under any circumstances. i didn't miss prayer or my readings or medicine, but i wasn't 'off-duty' either, if that makes sense. but that was okay. i can put up with anything for a day. i did skip breakfast though, and i did have to come home before counseling to turn off my coffee pot. i didn't really think she'd end up staying. i don't think anyone will, to be honest, but that's not for me to say. i know i have to be right and real with what i do and how i deal with me; the rest is not in my job description.
i got to work on time, work was easy today. i had time to hit counseling and go to my parent's house. i made them salmon croquettes for dinner and got myself some lunch and finished the day at work. then i came home.
i feel okay. i have to clean tomorrow, i have to shop for the things i plan to take to the anniversary meeting and i have to prepare for the coming week. Dee, the driver of the transport i work on, won't be there until Wednesday, a death in the out of town family, so i have to work with a new driver. again, i can stand anything for a day, and life is one day at a time, right?
i was thinking about courage today. i was thinking about the laughter of someone trapped inside their uncooperative body, the speech of someone who is unable to use many words but has learned coherent gestures that those outside their circle can only guess at. i was thinking about the courage to be a coward, to run away and hide in the music and the sex, knowing that one day it will all turn and bite you in the heart and then you'll have to stand and face what you've created, if you've changed at all. i was thinking about the courage to be afraid, the courage to not know, and the courage to try.
i don't know if i've ever felt particularly brave. i have tried to perform the tasks at hand, to deal with what i have had to deal with as best as i could. more often than not, i've just found an easier way to not do what i didn't want to do, and made excuses for the outcome of those things. so now, i'm trying to find a deeper, better rooted life, and it takes some determination to stay on this course. is that courage? i don't know. but i know i'm doing the best i can, and i know i'm appreciative of all that i'm being blessed with. i can't ask for anything greater than to know my child knows she is welcome in my home, and that she's never left my heart.
thank you, Jehovah, for a lovely day.
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