for me to say that, for me to mean it, is a new thing. it is part of what i'm reflecting on at this moment. i am home from work. that sentence, those five words, are huge. they're much bigger than they appear. i am exhausted, because i did not get enough sleep last night. i'm not particularly sore, i'm not daunted by the prospect of another day, i'm not anxious and i'm not sad because of the things i'm seeing. i am learning something i did not know, i am doing something that is worthwhile and that i've not done before, and i am glad that i am able to do it. that is a cool thing.
at the same time, this is some stupid shit. truth is truth, as my sponsor would say. the company has been operating on the fly for a week. they haven't even filled all the positions yet. most days at their office is barely organized chaos. today i got there at six on the money. i was assigned a driver and a vehicle yesterday. being assigned a vehicle means you have to read the ISP (individual service plan) of everyone assigned to that vehicle, so you can deal with them as individuals. so i did this. signed off on each person i read about yesterday. and then comes the chaos. this morning, it was decided that i didn't need to ride with him as an aide, because he would have no one that was wheelchair dependent today, and he didn't have a particularly troublesome route in his opinion. so i was moved to a different driver. she was cool, a bit frazzled as part of her character, i guess, but good people. she talked, i helped her, we got through the morning, got back in. i came back at the time i was told to (earlier, in fact...new policy is, as long as i'm early i'll never be late), and was told that i'd be going out with someone else because the driver from the morning was too slow on her route. and before i left the office, i had been assigned to yet a fourth driver. and therefore, not only did i not know any of the individuals or their specifics from the morning route, the familiarity i'd gained counted for nothing when i was switched in the afternoon.
and i got through it without batting an eye.
it was dumb. disorganized. but it didn't stop my time card from ticking (passage of time), and it didn't mean much to me, because every single person i've engaged with their in the last two days is a stranger to me. right? dig it? so to get pissed because one stranger would rather work alone and another stranger isn't driving fast enough for them and a third stranger disappears into the ether so i end up with a fourth stranger...why, that would be madness, wouldn't it?
i've grown up. it is a truth, i need not embellish upon it.
today i saw my mom and dad. i took them beef stew and biscuits that i had cooked yesterday, so i wouldn't be tempted to OD on biscuits today. i have eaten two of my three meals, and the third is being made ready now. i've spoken to Lonnie, TP, TF, De'ja. I've heard from Chris and Syd, and i even touched base with Yvette. i am weary, running on 3 hours of sleep from not being able to go under last night. i miss Rachel. but i am okay. and i know that i am.
tomorrow, i'll be at work at 6am. i have a meeting to attend. i have things to tend to in regard to the anniversary meeting. but i feel okay. and i'm looking forward to working tomorrow.
thank you, Father, for your love and for growing me in Your garden.
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