i don't know...it wasn't a bad day, it wasn't an eventful day particularly. it was just a day. a cold, snowy home bound day. but i forgot to journal, and i'm not exactly sure why. so i'm going to catch up on both fronts today, and keep it moving from there. beat myself with a pillow kind of thing, since i've used a bat on something today already.
anyway, yesterday was good because it was a day off WORK, and i love being able to say that. i guess i could say it when i was working at CCA but somehow it is always different at the start, especially with a lengthy hiatus between gigs. getting through the week, learning things and people, seeing the land mines and trying to learn the landscape to know where to place my feet, nothing out of the ordinary but definitely a different kind of stress. and Friday being a day that turned from warm and rainy to cold and icy within a span of 5 hours, that was daunting as well. so to have a day OFF, to have a day of doing nothing but what i wanted to do, that's kinda big for me. and i did what i had to do.
i'd done wash on Friday evening, wash and dry, so i got my office, both bathrooms and kitchen cleaned yesterday. i did get up and pray, but i slept in a bit as well, though tomorrow i'm opting for the 4am wake-up, just to stay in practice for a work week. i read my meditation books yesterday, my bible as well. my sugar is holding at 107, and i ate a good breakfast. i started my cleaning up here in my office, which really only needed sweeping and some dusting, and i got my clothes put away and got some dancing in too. then i cleaned my bathroom up here, did some writing and shut everything down. i chilled a bit downstairs, watching some television, then i got my kitchen and bathroom cleaned. i worked on soup, got that going and started to feel kind of lonely. i think of Rachel often now. i ate soup for dinner, and i watched some anime on my ,Chromebook before i turned in for the night. again, nothing eventful, nothing special. talked to the usual people, which was cool, and checked up on my parents. haven't been able to reach De'ja, there's some kind of issue with his phone.
this morning i woke about 330am, went to the bathroom and turned on my coffee left from yesterday and fell back asleep until 8am. i got up with prayer, went to get coffee and water and checked on my brother on the phone. i have talked to Yvette on the phone, taken my meds and had my breakfast. i'm going to dig my car out, well, brush it off anyway and get it started. i'm going to my CA meeting today, going to the store to get some things. i've got my dinner already planned out, so i don't have to worry much about that. i am going to check on Lonnie, as he's not feeling well today. i don't really know what else i'm going to do, but since i'm still off until Tuesday, i don't have to put a lot of worry into it.
one thing i have to say; this is the part about the beating myself with a bat. i have to change my perspective on my physicality, my body to be specific. i've done much to completely undermine my elasticity, and at almost 50 years old, i'm fairly sure i've none left at all. when i lose weight, everything sags, and there's no amount of body building that i'm honestly willing to do to fill out this skin with anything else. intellectually, i can say that it doesn't matter, that i'm losing weight, improved health, lower blood sugar, probably get off some of these meds, and that's all positive. and those things are real and true; i don't state them because i want to make myself 'feel better', because i'm not a person who gets off on lying to himself anymore. but if i don't acknowledge things here, then there's self-delusion, which is worse than a lie.
truth is, getting old, getting older, is a change, and part of the change is purely physical. i feel the slowness of the step and the fading of vision. i feel the confused moments, the poignancy of not being able to remember what i just was thinking moments ago, what i was saying in the middle of a conversation. and, when i look at me in a mirror, i see the weight of so many indulgences, i see great losses that went unmaintained and great gains out of frustration and lack of discipline. i label it as UGLY still, because to me, to my programmed mind, that's what it is. but it is me, and i am a child of my Father, and i am not UGLY. there are struggles, i guess is the point. regardless of sober time, of age, of gender, of race, of culture. programming makes the mind see what it sees, and reprogramming is required...not just to break the old programming. if you have a computer that runs a windows program and you reformat it without an operating system, you have a box of circuitry with no purpose that does nothing you want it to do. so, i have things to add to the list of goals for this year. not RE-Solutions...SOLUTIONS. and i will ask God for the insight to be more grateful, because i am doing better already. but i am grateful to Jehovah, for all my needs for today are met, and that's all that is really important.
The Dining Table
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