below, i'm going to paste my selection from one year ago, January 12, 2017. i just read it myself, and it is very indicative of what i'm referring to, a lesson in the necessity of keeping notes on one's own life, and the power that is inherent in paying attention to the details as one is living through them.
You can run a gamut of emotions through the course of a day. you can start out miserable and end up positively giddy, or you can start with a songbird's song in your throat and end with a wail of grief. the sunrise promises nothing, for the sunrise itself is not promised.i didn't write yesterday because i was getting back into the swing of doing the day. i was down for two days sick and convalescing, and i only went to my meeting and the store yesterday. but i will recap.
i got up and i did the morning as it should be. i prayed, did my crunches and some stretches, read my scripture and my daily meditation books. i had a good blood sugar, took my insulin, had breakfast, took my meds earlier than i had the previous day and i ran a bath. i'd intended to take one Tuesday night, but i was not energetic enough to make it happen. but on Wednesday i had a good soak, shaved my head and face, got myself together and got my shit together to hit the meeting.
i got there about an hour early and Don came in right behind me. as i'd spoken the previous week about the 'Maytag repair-man' feeling of sitting in a meeting by oneself, i suppose he responded, as he's cut from at least swatches from the cloth i was made from. no ego; i am swatches of a cloth that made the ones before me. but now they're all rayon and synthetics, it seems. anyway, the meeting was okay, there weren't a lot of people there, we did Step 9 and then i went to the store. i called my mother to speak to her, checking on her, and i asked Syd what she wanted for dinner. she said lasagna, and i almost vetoed it, with the thought on my mind that i didn't want to spend that much. but Syd bought me dinner the night before, and i knew i really could afford the ingredients since i had many of them on hand already. so i got what i needed.
let me add, another reason i didn't write was i had a visitor in the morning. TF, from so long ago, texted and asked if she could come by for a bit before i went to the meeting. the irony of that is, i started being a service-person in that meeting in support of her, who was given a position and then abandoned there. now, it is an outpost meeting, where most won't go because it's not quite sick enough to drive me out. if i left, it would sicken again and the people would come back. no ego again; it's the sad truth. and i'm not well, so that should tell you the level of sickness i'm talking about.
anyway, she came by, had coffee, half-updated me on things that i knew nothing about, had brunch with me and then went her way. she thanked me for the time and the food later on Facebook, which was nice.
another thing that happened, and why i didn't write, was i had to process a text i sent and a conversation i had.
i had sent Chris my usual good morning text, and i told her i had been thinking about her, which i had. i told her to call, as i was in the tub and wasn't going to continue to text. i had been thinking about the nature of our involvement with each other. more to the point, with Syd about to turn 18, everything changes, and for the most part this would be the time i could completely disassociate myself from Chris. but i have been trying to look at things with more spiritual eyes. the child support, for a long time, went into keeping this household going. it was a way of paying some bills, of getting food when we needed, of freeing up other funds so that other things could be taken care of. the evidence of that is how much has been off-center since i gave Syd the card for her use last year. but i've no regrets about that. she is the child being supported. but it can't have been the easiest thing for Chris either. i know where Chris comes from. more than most, i know what goes on inside her. for her, this is about the best she has been able to do, and perhaps it's allowed her to evolve a bit, to become something more than the panic-stricken, angry child who was abuse and hurt by everyone she ever trusted. under any circumstance, i said thank you, and i told her i appreciated her having Syd for me. and we talked and that was that. i felt good about it, and i still do.
so i came home. i made myself an actual lunch and got started on the lasagna. i talked to Joe about my storyboard ideas and how some of it could be facilitated. i got half the rest of my money from Felecia and decided i'd resume editing on her book. i got trash taken to the curb. i watched some television, but not much. and i went to bed after a bit. i thought about where i am, how i feel so much more centered than i thought i would, as nothing has actually resolved itself,and i realize that the faith that i need is not for me to measure. i don't know if i have enough, i'll never know that. but what i do know is worrying and fretting and panicking isn't going to make one damn thing better. so i am trying to stay on point, do what God puts in front of me to do, and keep it moving.
as to the sometimes, i put in an application at AT&T again, and though i got past the first hurdle, they turned me down. as well, i heard at the JCC today that Paul, who said they'd be calling back after the new year began, had already hired someone, who just hadn't shown up. and i realize that sometimes God protects me from things that i don't know i'm being protected from, and sometimes, learning to wait is actually learning how much value you truly have as a human and spiritual concern. I have begun my new day and will journal on this journey later. thank you, Father.
it's funny. i look in that window, the one with Esmeralda, my avocado plant, and i see my life, the way i thought it should look at that time, and it looks nothing like this life does now. i see a place i'd spent five years, raising a child, paying bills, cooking meals, trying to write and build a business, trying to love unlovable women (hindsight and conjecture; no one is unlovable, some are just unloved for too long). still doing the same meetings, but weary, very weary. sick at that time, i kind of remember going through a double bout of the flu. and TF, still in my life, but further in the background now than she was then. the routine, the exercises, the wanting something to change. no mention of Rachel. because she was in my life so i wrote about her when something was going on. absence makes the heart long stronger, that's for sure.
now? i'm working. then? i was looking for work. i was probably just trying to get my ass in gear. Syd would have been back in school. i would have been about to start back to the gym. that was a Wednesday, by the meeting description. but what's the real question?
i can tell you that. the real question is, am i a different person now? i'm in a different space. this is my home, but it is not as satisfying. but it is growing on me. it is the dimension of my loneliness, but that's not as bad as it seems. i have no plants, yet. i have me, and i have my writing. i'd just gotten money to work on Felecia's book at that time, so i was working on projects. a year later, and she's still not done.
i worked today, we got done early. ice rain and snow falling. i had counseling, i saw my dad and mom. i am tired, and i'm ready to crash. i am grateful, in great measure, for what Jehovah has blessed me with. even my memory. even my today.
The Dining Table
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