End O' the Month...

yeah, so.  it's the end of January.  i'm ready for a new day, a new month maybe.  it's been an event, that's for sure.  but, all things in God's time for God's purpose. 

did i write yesterday?  i don't believe i did.  home invasion.  Syd and her mother, who was speaking for the meeting today for the anniversary.  didn't get much sleep either.  but that's okay.  got a lot on my mind, got some things i need to tighten up as well. so can't keep skipping. logging tonight, then going to sleep, new day tomorrow, new month, God willing and the creek don't rise. 

so, yesterday.  woke up good, good sleep.  got prayer done, had meds and meditation, had coffee and water.  had breakfast.  got to work usual time, and was still with the substitute driver, young man who is a friend of one of my cousins.  he's a good enough dude, actually kind of like him.  but this company does not prepare people for what it asks them to do.  on the first day, monday, we were late starting, because he got there late.  we picked up everyone late, got turned around several times and actually missed two people who got dropped off at the workshop by their guardians.  the afternoon was better.  yesterday was the reverse of that.  the morning was cool, despite a slow cold start.  but the afternoon was janky.  and we ended up running late in the afternoon.  i was exhausted, had to navigate using my phone gps.  sitting in close proximity to the residents, which doesn't bother me, but i like to give them their space, i feel like they are the riders and the clients, they deserve as much of a zone as they want.  nonetheless, we got through the day.  Chris had come up to speak at the aforementioned anniversary meeting, asked if she could crash here. i didn't know she was going to bring Syd, but it was cool.  have a spare bedroom, after all.  once i knew Syd was coming, i got home and started working on spaghetti for them to eat.  we ate, talked, and i got myself down later than usual to go to sleep. 

next day, which would be today, found Syd laying on the tiny sofa in the living room, on her phone playing.  i told her to come in here and sleep on one side of my bed. i got another hour and a half, then got up for the day at 3am.  i got dressed and had coffee and medicine and meditation quietly, trying to allow them to sleep.  i had to heat my car, as it was bitter cold this morning, but not the sub-zero weather of couple weeks ago.  cold enough, bitter enough though. 

work was a good run, aided i'm sure by the fact i didn't go back for the pick-up run.  also, we got started on time, got pick ups done on time and for the most part got them dropped off on time. minor discrepancies.  we got back, i logged myself out and came home.  i got dressed, gathered the supplies we needed and the stuff i'd cooked and i rode to Struthers to get the chicken and cake that SH ordered.  i picked up Harry, one of the attendees at the meeting, and we were on our way. 

we had help setting up and cleaning up.  it was good, a good turnout and good food.  Chris did a good job speaking, and the people dug it.  we got things cleaned up and i took my mom a plate and came home where i've been since.  i am tired. 

i'm trying to stay in the job hunting process.  i need to be sure that i do, as i don't want to be doing this company any longer than i have to.  i still love the job, love the clients and love being a part of a part of their day.  but we have a meeting tomorrow about our wrong policies of logging in.  it's always something, and since it's chaos by orchestration, it always will be something.  i don't want to continue making adjustments to someone's whims, when an actual job description would be more helpful, and training would be of the utmost importance.  plus, i'm still waiting for my money. 

can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.  i'm glad the anniversary went well.  the officers seemed to like their framed certificates.  there was enough of everything, as if God had planned for so many people and that was what we had collected to purchase for.  FAITH.  works better when it's practiced regularly.

will stay on point with this.  on to the Dining Room. 

thank you, Jehovah, for a good day. 

Corporate Chaos

...between the light and the dark, and the dark often overtakes what the light believes is a sure thing.  a person has to be careful, know their nature and know the inner voice, that they will not be seduced by the darkness, thinking they are actually practitioners of light.

in not so many words, i have to remember this for myself every day, one way or another.

so, this has been a long day.  i am still unpaid, and that has to be resolved on Friday.  i am working toward being ready for the anniversary meeting on Wednesday, but i have no idea if it's going to be at the expense of this job.  even so, i have to go.  one of our members lost his brother to stage 4 colon cancer yesterday, and beyond the grief and sorrow we feel for him, he was to help me with set up and clean up.  how many will show up?  hard to say, it always is.  but i'm going to be the best me i can, and i know Jehovah has a plan for me, regardless of what the bosses purport to toss at me. 

the long day, i remember.  i didn't sleep much yesterday.  i planned on it, planned for it too.  was in bed early, shut things down, made sure i was good and sleepy.  maybe it was the cup of tea i had in the late afternoon.  maybe it was the apprehension of added responsibility today, having to navigate for the sub driver.  maybe it was just being lonely and horny, who the fuck knows?  the known fact is that i didn't sleep very well.  and by the time i crashed, 4am was right around the corner.  i was so tired i set a second alarm for 5, but decided to just get my ass up and get it moving. 

the brother who was driving today is a family friend of a cousin.  he showed up late, and my navigating skills were as poor as i figured they'd be.  but i used my GPS on my phone and we got through the morning and the afternoon, better in the afternoon of course.  then i came home, made some hot italian sausage for dinner and just finished an assessment on the AT&T employment link so i can see whether they're going to reject me outright or call me for an interview to turn me down.  but i'm nonplussed either way.  i'm on the hunt, and Jehovah will provide for me if i'm supposed to have something different than what i've got. 

i listened to the office people talking about problems in our time cards, that we are going to be told to stop logging in so early in the mornings when we don't leave for a significant time after we get in.  it is something my usual driver and i talked about, so i'm not surprised.  and it really makes sense; rather than allowing the company to be titty-nursed out of surplus funds by letting people clock in and sit around for an hour.  but it's just one more hoop for us to jump through because it's one more hoop for local management to jump through.  it's not original thought, it's not problematic because it's wrong...it's a problem because Corporate is going to be mad.  i'm just saying, right is right no matter who's looking.  but that's me.

anyway, i'm going to wrap this up.  i need a shower, i need to shave and i am tired.  and right now, i'm not feeling much of any of that noise.  but we'll see.  shower can happen in the morning.  thank you, Father, for a productive day. 

Quick Changes

it's a funny thing sometimes.  people will bitch about the weather, but the weather is the result of people not giving a damn about preservational measures to ensure stability in the global climate.  but, regardless of either of these, it's winter.  you expect cold in winter.  you expect snow and ice and chilled bones in winter.  and when you have something better than that, you should be grateful, because it's winter.  this is January.  the worst, i'm sure, is yet to come.  but we forget these things because we want what we want when we want it. 

anyway, i can't remember if that is a picture of sunrise or sunset.  i think it's sunrise on Saturday.  sun rising in the east.  but the sunset looks pretty much the same, except the light creeps in for sunrise, and the dark does for sunset.

so, yesterday i did a bunch of running.  but it was a good day.  i cleaned my whole house, washed all clothes that needed washing, and used my savings to get the stuff for the meatballs and the greens and the banana pudding.  i got with Shereese, went over the collection and we made a list of the last things to obtain supply-wise for Wednesday's meeting.  i watched some television, ate well and slept pretty soundly.  it's nice to have a day off. 

today, i got up and got myself together for the Kingdom Hall. it's been a long time, but the circuit overseer was in town and giving the talk today, and i wanted to get my mom there.  i had first made arrangements for her to get a ride, but i realized how ungrateful i was being.  my mother helps me every chance she gets, so i got gas after i was dressed, picked her up and took her to the Hall.  the talk was good, the service went pretty quick and she got a ride home with her sister-in-law.  i left for the south side, went to Big Lots for coffee for myself and for Wednesday, went to the CA meeting, went to Family Dollar for the bouillon i couldn't find at Big Lots, and i came home.  yesterday i'd done my meatballs and washed my greens.  today i sauced the meatballs and cut up and am currently slow cooking the greens.  Tuesday night i'll make the banana pudding and get things dished up to roll on Wednesday. 

i wonder if the boss lady is going to approve my half-day off on Wednesday. it doesn't matter, i won't be coming back that day regardless, as i gave a notice my first day of work.  they are not on the ball, so i have to make sure i  am, is what it comes down to. 

strange things:  calls coming anonymously to my cell phone.  no idea who, texts actually.  but it is fairly annoying.  i guess i could block numbers, but it isn't really that important to me to have to learn how to block a number.  still missing Rachel.  finding out Joe (Syd's s.s.o.) is working on losing the job that is their income and the means of them having a very low rent in their apartment.  sent her a link to the Zax by Dr. Seuss on YouTube, hope she gets it. 

i am tired, but i'm not crashing too early.  my regular driver is out of town til wednesday, and i have to help the new guy on the route as best i can, but i also need to stay focused so we can get through this anniversary.  caught up on the Dining Room as well, so there's that.  i'm done for now. 

Not Courage

first, let's link to the Dining Room, so we have that out of the way. 

well, it's almost Saturday.  i'm glad. it's been a rough week, so far.  and it should have been a great one, a wonderful changing of perspective.  perhaps it was, anyway.  time will tell. 

i can't remember exactly what i wrote yesterday, but from counseling today i'm assuming i noted that Syd had come over here from going through things with her SO yesterday.  she's back home, and that's a good thing.  it's a sad reality, you don't know until it shows that you've passed your dysfunction down to your children, and when it does show you have to pray that you've also passed down your learnings from those mistakes, or at least that you've grown wise enough to give sound advisement and suggestion.  but either way, it can be sad to see it manifest from the outside. 

i was out of my rhythm, under any circumstances.  i didn't miss prayer or my readings or medicine, but i wasn't 'off-duty' either, if that makes sense.  but that was okay.  i can put up with anything for a day.  i did skip breakfast though, and i did have to come home before counseling to turn off my coffee pot.  i didn't really think she'd end up staying.  i don't think anyone will, to be honest, but that's not for me to say.  i know i have to be right and real with what i do and how i deal with me; the rest is not in my job description. 

i got to work on time, work was easy today.  i had time to hit counseling and go to my parent's house.  i made them salmon croquettes for dinner and got myself some lunch and finished the day at work.  then i came home. 

i feel okay.  i have to clean tomorrow, i have to shop for the things i plan to take to the anniversary meeting and i have to prepare for the coming week.  Dee, the driver of the transport i work on, won't be there until Wednesday, a death in the out of town family, so i have to work with a new driver.  again, i can stand anything for a day, and life is one day at a time, right?

i was thinking about courage today.  i was thinking about the laughter of someone trapped inside their uncooperative body, the speech of someone who is unable to use many words but has learned coherent gestures that those outside their circle can only guess at.  i was thinking about the courage to be a coward, to run away and hide in the music and the sex, knowing that one day it will all turn and bite you in the heart and then you'll have to stand and face what you've created, if you've changed at all.  i was thinking about the courage to be afraid, the courage to not know, and the courage to try. 

i don't know if i've ever felt particularly brave.  i have tried to perform the tasks at hand, to deal with what i have had to deal with as best as i could.  more often than not, i've just found an easier way to not do what i didn't want to do, and made excuses for the outcome of those things.  so now, i'm trying to find a deeper, better rooted life, and it takes some determination to stay on this course.  is that courage?  i don't know.  but i know i'm doing the best i can, and i know i'm appreciative of all that i'm being blessed with.  i can't ask for anything greater than to know my child knows she is welcome in my home, and that she's never left my heart.

thank you, Jehovah, for a lovely day. 

Casual (or causal?) Prophecy

...a good question, to which i have no answer at this time.  but i'll return to the question soon enough. 

so, this is Thursday in the can.  i'm glad it's over.  it wasn't a bad day, but it was a day for learning.  one, i learned i'm going to try to keep my ass in the bed until it's time for the alarm to get me up.  because i'm writing on fumes now.  but that's like everybody's reality these days.  i've learned as well that you cannot make something smart out of something stupid, not even by trying to pretend the stupid thing is not stupid.  but that's a personal lesson, and i'm not going  into it at the moment. 

anyway, the day was cool.  i did get up at asscrack 230 or so, and knew because of the earliness of my layabout yesterday i wasn't going to go back to sleep.  that led to a productive morning, which i've no complaints about, but it was a draggy day, cold and snowy starting out.  got through the first runs okay, and went to my parent's house to nap and eat.  my mom was already planning salmon patties for dinner, so i didn't cook for them, but it ended up being tuna fish for some reason.  and i don't always cook, because i notice the days i do cook are often the days my father decides he isn't hungry.  no hurt feelings, just find it easier to let my mother cook.  i watched some television, ate some fish tacos and eventually went to put close to the last of my money in the tank and get back to work. 

work was good as well.  i operated the electric wheelchair on the vehicle without shooting the client over the ramp.  i helped the driver with the cleaning of the interior of the van and i left for the day.  that's where the title of this entry comes in.

i got a text from Syd this afternoon to call, which i told her i would about 4pm, and then i got a text asking if she could crash here for a few days.  i told her of course she was welcome, she was at my parent's house, and i picked her up and brought her here.  i talked to her along the way and once we got here, and i fed her since i was about to eat.  at some point, i realized that i needed a space where she and/or De'ja would be able to come if they decided to.  i have an upstairs, spare bedroom and she is welcome. i had said, when i began cleaning here, than rather than throw out both beds i'll keep on for emergency purposes, and this seems like a good idea. but not forever.

i'm sorry, i'm so tired now. i'm going to shut it down, grateful for life and for all the experiences today. 

Moving this Morning

Yeah, i got up and got my ass in gear today.  up way too early, but i'm up nonetheless.  i said my prayer when i realized that i'd taken such a chill evening that i was actually awake for the day, and then i went and took my meds and did my readings and had coffee and water.  then i came upstairs and i did some good writing on To December, and i did my early dancing.  it was good, i found a streaming funk channel and a long alt funk video on YouTube and i did my thing.  i feel pretty good, i'm about to go eat breakfast and chill til it's time to roll out.  not as bad of space as i was, and i have a better vision of things to come, by God's grace.  more later. 

Faith, Hopefully

i didn't write yesterday.  i was exhausted, i can't lie.  there was nothing in me that was able to put thoughts together after the day has begun to close down.  so i just went and did the least i could and passed out, body sore, mind in a whirl.  and now, i am going to get this done because tonight promises more of the same.

see, i have an issue.  it's a good one, too, one that i don't really know how to reconcile.  i'm currently at my parent's house, and i'm writing this before i return to work.  i'll update the Dining Room as well, but for now, let me vent this out so i can let it go for the moment. 

awareness is likely had that i didn't get paid Friday as i was supposed to.  i inquired about this situation and was told initially, by a woman in the local office, that it was due to me not being vetted yet with my background check.  or, simply put, my background check had not yet been cleared and so i wasn't on the payroll.  but that, supposedly, didn't prevent me from working with the developmentally disabled community.  which is bullshit.  so, i asked for the corporate number, received it, and called them.  this was all last Friday (which i'm saying because i may need this as documentation) and they left me a return message saying that my paperwork for payroll had just been completed that very day, and therefore i was behind the deadline to receive my pay for the first week i worked.  because i got the message while i was on my route, i didn't bother to call back; i don't make calls while we're on the route, i barely even touch my phone at all.  it meant, of course, that i went to Columbus this past weekend with gas money only, for the most part, but i gave my word to my friend in hospice that i would be there, and it seemed important to keep my word. 

i returned to work on Monday, and i again called corporate, asking if someone could cut me a check, that i was in need of the funds i'd worked for.  i was placed on hold by a woman named Rachel (irony) and when she returned she said Jamie, the woman who'd come down from Columbus that i'd met the first time, said the fault was on Jen and Latesha (however it's spelled ) in our office who'd done my paperwork too late, and that i'd have to talk to Jen, but they couldn't do anything about my late check.  now, that's a lie, because corporate is where payroll is, and if anyone can remedy the situation, it's them, not here.  but i talked to Jen, the director of this office, and again asked what could be done, as it was not my fault and all my paperwork had been submitted in a timely fashion.  Jen told me that the corporate office was at fault, and that all the paperwork i'd had to sign in our office had to be reprocessed in the corporate office, and she said that they'd sent her an email that i would not receive my pay until the next pay period, which is the 2nd of February. 

i've done nothing more today.  there is no point in it, as i've needed to put my thoughts in linear track so i can act in my best interest.  pros and cons.  pros are that i like this job, it is work that i can do, it is worthwhile work.  i am learning the people on our route, i am enjoying the learning and learning to connect with them.  and some of them seem to take comfort and a bit of happiness in my presence.  it took me quite some time to find this job, and there's no reason to believe it won't take me quite some time to find something else that fits as well.  cons are i'm being played, lied to and disregarded.  i am broke, no doubt.  fixing my car drained my sparse reserve, which was inadequate for the month in the first place.  i have food and the utilities won't be turned off (waiting to do the HEAP thing anyway on gas and electric) but my phone may be cut off, gas money is not assured.  i could borrow the money, but why should i have to borrow money that someone is holding hostage?  and the disregard is a big thing for me.  to lie, to give me nonsense and to treat me with disdain and indifference grates against me.  and it is the grating which is why i have paused in my efforts to rectify this.  because i'm looking for other work now.  the job is spoiled, like a lovely piece of cheesecake with a horsefly perched on top.  just lost all appeal.  and not just this; they are very close to incompetent, have crossed the border into inept long ago.  but if i push further, i will probably force them to act against me, and though that would set me up for a lawsuit (wrongful termination), i would be out of a job, and i still wouldn't have the money that i need right now.  so, yes, i'm pretty beat up behind this.  but i prayed to Jehovah this morning, specifically on this issue, and i'm not going to act until i feel His guidance. 

other than that, the job is going okay, life is as good as can be expected.  i am grateful, regardless of human stupidity, because i have Divine blessings, and that's the trump in the whole game.  but i am galled, vexed and need to keep walking in faith above all else.  that's where it's at for me, anyway. 

Things to Say...

This is Esmeralda the second.  i don't know if she is going to grow or not.  she is from a pit i got from my son.  i am saying this as a form of prayer, because i'm grateful for the lesson, for the blessing and the mercy of this weekend.  more on Esmeralda later.

i have seen so much sadness this weekend, and i can't really do a damn thing about any of it.  i've been without my money, i've stayed in a home of despair and quiet desperation...hell, i've learned what quiet desperation looks like manifest in other lives.  i've visited a friend who may be leaving this realm of reality soon.  i've gone to breakfast this morning with old friends who are now nearing the end of their journey together.  i have thought of the nature of loneliness, visiting places where last i was with Rachel, and now i have to redefine more memories.  and yet, i feel as if i have been blessed, rather abundantly in fact.

it would have been nice to have been able to see everyone that i want to see in Columbus.  it would also have been impossible in 2 1/4 days.  and i only had one full day and 3/4 of a second day.  so i stuck to the nitty gritty.  i visited Yvette on saturday, that's what the mission was.  i stayed with my son, i saw my friends Keith and Ronda on sunday for breakfast.  i got back on the road.  i thought as i drove, how sad the city is now.  i remembered when i was 17, and i first went to visit Columbus, to see my brother and my uncle.  how it was a true alternative town at that time, how there were no real labels for what people were, except the hippies who clung to the skin of the city like intelligent bruises.  i was a freak among freaks then, smoking weed, drinking whatever and trying not to be more frightened than i actually was.  but it was fun, and it remained fun for a lot of years, even through the rough times and the single parent times and maybe it stopped being fun when i was struggling to care for my children and i began to see just how fucking trivial people could be in the city.  myself included, i have to say.  as i was ready to kill myself for failing, when failing was what i did best at that time. 

now, i am home.  i've had dinner.  i've watched most of a movie and i'm going to finish it tomorrow.  i've talked to some people.  Lonnie has brought me groceries due to the fuckery with my check from work, which i'll call on tomorrow again.  i've returned my mother's car with gratitude, as i still have a few dollars left that were earmarked for gas.  my clothes have been washed and dried and are ready to be put away.  my alarm is set, i'm showered and shaved and i'm going to have a busy but great day tomorrow, God willing tomorrow comes and the creek don't rise from the melting snow and ice. 

so i say these thing.  because they need to be said.

i saw this in a box in the spare bedroom at my son's townhouse where he resides with his girlfriend.  his spirit, mind you, is an owl.  this one has a wing that has been snapped off.  likely it was accidental, but in the realm of the spirit, there is always a significance to such things.  also in the box was an award he won for something at his school involving his cooking.  it looks as if they are preparing for the coming separation, and he is getting the short end of the stick.  i worry about him and am very sad, but he must be the one to fix that wing.  he must remember he is a bird of prey, as a hawk or an eagle, and not a scavenger feasting off roadkill or carrion.  i can't make him remember; i can only pray.

then, there is the redefining of forgiveness.  i used to deal with it as in Peter Gabriel's 'washing of the water' song, where he speaks of taking hooks out of himself and out of the person he has to forgive.  i understood that completely, combined with the notion that to forgive truly is to forget.  real forgiveness unhooks two or more people from each other and the bad event.  it gives the offending party the opportunity...to forget.  'letting them off the hook' has a deeper meaning when considered this way.  but for a lot of people, there is no forgetting, there is no letting go.  and perhaps i've drifted back into this again. 

i wasn't really nice to Ronda, and i had nothing to say to Patrice either.  i know they are both simply in their own character, but i am weary of people who have no room in their souls for anyone except themselves, for no better thing that doesn't benefit them directly.  and that's not really Ronda, who is caught up in a madness i don't understand completely.  but it is the same principle.  friends don't just leave friends drifting in the ether.  so i had nothing really nice to say, but i think i need to learn something different.  because i do want to be forgiven, and so i must forgive.  but its not the forgiveness that's so hard, as it is the desire for something more in my life.  i'm tired of text messages, calls unreturned, greetings unanswered.  i'm tired of friends so absorbed in their sex life or their 'adventures' that they don't have room for anyone else, and that includes me as well.  i'm weary of a technological world of automatronic people who just go through push-button emotions while regurgitating the latest nonsensical meme's of the moment.  i'm sick of the bullshit.  i want something substantial, and i want to know that it can be supportive of my best interest.  but those are my wants, and they smack of a lack of gratitude.  so i'm going to work on it.

as for Esmeralda the second...

this is Esmeralda the first, my baby from the apartment, growing toward the light of my cherub lamps.  she died after a decision to take her outside for some sunlight on a day far too windy for her comfort.  she deserved better.  and so did i.  or so do i, because i won't live in lamentation any longer.  who i miss, what i miss doing, where i have been and what has changed about those places...they don't stop this train from rolling now.  the only thing that can stop this ride is me.  and if i get out of Jehovah's way and just let him do his thing, the ride is going to be great.  for now?  i have a seed from my son.  i'm going to see if it sprouts, and i'm going to see if it grows.  and maybe it will be like the Lorax, if you can dig that groove. 

i'm grateful to Jehovah for bringing me home safely.  check out The Dining Room for today's food log. 

Homes, Rooms and History...

So, i'm in the City. I came here with few misgivings to see a friend who is nearing the end of her road. She's in an assisted living facility, has been there for months, waiting to die. The road turns, it always does. The painting is one of the most vivid memories I have of her home, where so long ago I started my Columbus sojourn. Now it's in her room at the facility.
She recently decided to resume speaking to me, after fifteen years of a resentment held. Something about this city; growth and change don't always coincide with clean time here. Could be the water...
We spoke, many things. There wasn'the enough time; there never is. It's what makes not wasting time so important. I felt her spirit in her space, but i felt her diminished condition as well. I shared her lunch, rather, I finished the roast beef from her open faced sandwich and her onion rings.
We spoke of the past, of continuing resentments, some of which I sought to redefine for her, some that were redefined for me on the fly, and some just left where they are. I wish only that she could have peace, but that's not up to me. It never is.
When I landed this time I was at De'ja's home. Things are much changed here. My son is truly grown, evidenced by the weight his shoulders bear. I say with some caution, the spirit here feels troubled. It feels fractured, as if a rift were in the walls themselves. I know the feeling, i've been there before. You cannot caution someone against things they must do to learn. But you have to try. You have to try. Sleep was had from exhaustion rather than comfort, and prayers were said with my heart in the next room, wanting some sort of grace in his/her/their lives. But that's not up to me either. It never is.
What remains? Keith hasn't answered, probably won't until later than I intend to venture. I am thinking I will hole up here, try to groom myself, make my way home tomorrow and start the process of doing the week. I'm sad, but that's okay. Times are rough right now, and life goes on. Up to a point. I thank my God for life, and for enough perspective to appreciate it more today.

...Back to Job again...

So. In the course of the day i've ridden the fuck out of this beast and i'm pretty tired of it. Said I wasn'the doing much of this but it has been a day of moments.

Start with a lost wallet. No big, unless it'seems considered that my few dollars and access to my banks are in there. Turned out I dropped it when I was retrieving my car from the garage that fixed the heat. I thanked God for that.

Then factor in paying for the repair to heater was most of my money. By which I mean phone, Internet on the chopping block, things I committed to for anniversary dubious. But I need to trust my Creator, making a way where no way exists. He got me funds to visit Columbus, so trust, right? Besides, get paid today, right?

WRONG. Several excuses made for incompetence, bottom line is payroll for me wasn'the done so no check. Plan B, shot. Plan C, unknown yet.

Back to Job. There is a plan far beyond my vision. There is something being worked out, I need not know right now. I just have to walk it. And thank Jehovah for the provisions of the day.

Taking Time...

  i need to get some things down.  it may be awhile before i get an entire entry done, as i'm going to columbus for the next couple days and don't plan on trying to find internet access.  i'm going in uncertainty, and i hate traveling that way, but i'm trying to get better with my presence and a friend is dying, likely (though God has the final say) and asked if i can visit and i said i'd be there this month.  i am hurting this morning, i was exhausted last night.  i'm spending an inordinate amount of time in the cold, which is why i am going through these changes, but i'm not bitching about that, because most of it is the job and the rest of it is from getting my car going (heat is restored, thank you Father).  cost me about all i had in the bank, but it is wonderful to know that you can do something and that you can make sure more is coming in.  and at the start of a Journey, you don't know it all and can't do it all; you have to grow more and learn more to do more.  simple truth.

yesterday i was up pretty much on time and i got the things done that i needed to.  mostly packed, read and prayed and ate and medicated.  the work day wasn't bad, and i did get my car into a shop and it did get fixed.  i made breakfast for my parents, changed smoke alarm batteries and light bulbs for my dad and i got through the work day.  again, the cold has been brutal for me.  brutal even for this area, but older bones are not as resilient.  when i got home, roast was ready in the crock, i ate, finished watching Amelie and went to bed. 

this morning, i'm gathering things that i forgot yesterday for my trip.  i hurt right side again, foot and leg up to my knee.  i felt it yesterday, but i couldn't really slow down as i had to get through the day.  so i'm going to log my food intake from yesterday at The Dining Room, i'm going to make myself some breakfast as i've had coffee and water and read scripture from one of the Corinthians, and i'm going to take a heavy pain pill before i leave so i can have what relief is possible today.  but i'm not going to predict the outcome of this day, nor am i going to swear that i'm going to make to to columbus.  if i'm hurting too bad, i won't go, and i have to remember that.  my word is very important to me, but self care is more important to me, enough so that i rarely give my word because i have to know how i feel.  but that is in Jehovah's hands, and i trust His will for me today, and thank Him for waking me when so many will not awaken.  okay, that's that. 

the Earl penny

...there was a gentleman named Earl D who used to come to the meetings.  he was a strange dude, who got stranger as the years went by.  not a bad dude, just strange.  i'd met him first when i came back from Columbus.  his attitude at that first meeting sort of dictated how i'd deal with him for the rest of our days in proximity to each other.  he immediately spoke out the side of his neck (in an off-hand way) when i complimented him on a shirt he was wearing, in that it was a similar pattern to a shirt i had on.  then i noticed, as time went on, he didn't speak very much about himself, not about his past or his current personal life.  he would just reiterate the same things, like a radio that played one song.  i try not to be hypocritical.  he wasn't well liked by me, but he wasn't a pain in the ass above and beyond either. 

over the years i'd learned that he'd had a career in the NFL, that he was now pretty close to destitute, trying to raise a young daughter by himself.  he went from driving an SUV to needing rides to meetings. but he would always come.  he would always speak.  he would always offer suggestions, best as he could.  and he would always put a penny in the basket, at the end.  it was what he had, so it was what he gave. 

when he died, i evaluated our dealings with each other.  i felt sad, because i knew we hadn't been 'friends', and now we never would be.  but i hold the fact of him always putting a penny in the basket close to my heart.  Jesus spoke about the woman who put the last of her coins, which were of little value, in the offering at the temple.  to give of all one has, there is such a power in that kind of giving.  it is beyond the comprehension of most humans today.  but i've been at meetings where we've gotten food stamps in the basket.  and we used them, yes we did. 

today was a good day.  it wasn't spectacular.  i didn't get my car fixed.  i did better with getting a wheelchair strapped in on the bus.  i ate as well as being on the move during my hiatus time from work allowed me to, i saw my parents, i have washed my coat and some things i may need to pack for Friday's sojourn, and i have a roast in the crock pot ready to roll tomorrow.  i feel blessed, feel like i'm doing okay, doing good work, and moving forward. 

but, so that i don't forget, i put a penny on this page to remind me of Earl Douthit, an acquaintance, a fellow recovering addict who no longer has to worry about relapsing, a guy who carried the message as long and as far as he was supposed to.  i remind myself to give of all i have when it's all i have to give, because that's the only way you can be sure you gave from your heart. 

thank you, Father, for a good day. 

A Day Turns Out...

Finally his wife said to him: “Are you yet holding fast your integrity?Curse God and die!”  But he said to her: “As one of the senseless women speaks, you speak also. Shall we accept merely what is good from the [true] God and not accept also what is bad?”  In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

Job 2:9, 10

There is no point complaining.  I want to, God help me but I do.  But I won't. 

this has always been one of my favorite scriptures.  because it sums up, for me, what gratitude has to be in order to be real.  Job was a mess at this point, everything gone, down to his health.  his wife was likely just wanting his suffering to end, which indicates just how deep this thing with Satan ran.  But Job maintained, he understood that it's not all gravy and cupcakes.  the blessing comes in the same life that holds the curse.  AND...i can appreciate that it qualifies it...'in all this, Job did not sin with his lips.  good to remember.

today, i was having a great day.  i'm now reflecting on the good of this day.  i got up a bit earlier than i wanted to, that was about the low end of it.  but i got up before the alarm, i said my prayer, i was up brewing coffee and moving well.  took my meds, ate breakfast, read from the bible and 2 of my meditation books.  even had time to put together a tentative cover for the book i'm working on (no harm in pre-advertising, right?) and again, things were moving well.  got to work on time, a slow run with half our crew not showing through today.  i had a bit of a snag trying to get one client into a place on the bus when i couldn't get the fasteners for his chair secured into the fittings on the floor.  but i even took time, learned what i'd bee mistaken about, and was ready to roll on it again tomorrow.  i ate a good breakfast, not too bad a lunch, and i was grooving.  

maybe it was when i realized i'd lost my gloves somewhere along the way, and am not sure where as the only place i was was on the bus.  

i'd have to say it started there.  but to sum up:  i was talking to Yvette, waiting to go into the Family Dollar.  needed gloves, another hat (my winter hat disappeared just as my gloves did today, last month some time), and a sewing kit to fix my coat.  i had parked, was talking, when i heard, heard, the blower stop on my car's heater.  

this had happened in November as well, and it had been kind of shaky up to the point of it stopping then.  but a mechanic my dad found got it back on and told me it needed a switch, that i could get one and he could install it for next to nothing.  i bought the switch, but he had got the heat back on, and i decided until i had a better income, i just wouldn't turn the heat off.  made sense.  

logic dictates this would happen at the worst possible time, because who would give a shit if their heater wasn't working...in summer?  except perhaps the defroster, but that would be a bit too progressive thinking.  so, i had to start thanking my Father, because exactly as the scripture says up top, too much had been good for me to start losing my mud at that moment.  then i began to work on the problem.  not to much effect, sadly.  no mechanic open at that time, the one guy i found i have to call him tomorrow to see when he can deal with my car.  i can't drive it like that, as we're in the middle of an arctic snap right now.  but even in this, provisions were in place.  at the moment, i have my mother's car.  i will make my call tomorrow when i am between drop offs and pick ups so i can see when he can fuck with my car.  i have my meeting at noon and back to work after that.  

as i said, though, the day wasn't bad.  found my blood sugar is still regulating.  had a 99 this morning, not too shabby at all.  it's going to be tight, though.  i only have a bit of money, have some payments still to make and won't be able to wiggle a whole lot.  but the point is, the day is what it is.  it isn't bad, because bad things happen.  it isn't necessarily good, because good things happen.  when good things are happening to me, horrible things are happening to many people.  trying to label a day as such is almost sociopathic when you look at it like that.  i am blessed with life today.  sleep must happen.  and i thank Jehovah for making sure i got home okay.  that's pretty much the deal on any given day.  

Wanted: Laptop

it's just after 8pm.  for the most part, the day is done.  sleep comes now, then 4am and preparation for the new work week.  i'm going to Columbus this Friday, that is my plan anyway.  can't say for sure what i'm going to do unless God decides i have a Friday left in my repertoire. should that be the case, however, that is my plan.  i've tried to reach De'ja to see if i can cement some of this, but his phone seems to be out of commission again.  oh well...

today was a lax day.  it was cold this morning, and movement didn't really strike me as a thing i wanted to do.  i still got up before 5am, my alarm actually woke me at 4am, but it didn't make me galvanize for action.  but i got up.  i got coffee made and drank.  i got the prayer in, got my breakfast down.  most of the day other than that was chilling, as i said.  i had plans to see my parents, and i did.  i needed a couple things from the store, and i got them.  i have one copy of the flyer for the anniversary meeting and i'll make more copies at my parent's house tomorrow, again with the stipulation that i have a tomorrow. 

i ate breakfast, lunch and dinner.  i just shaved and showered a little bit ago.  i am going to finish this brief entry and shut it down.  i'm actually nervous about tomorrow, as i'll likely have to try to get right the operation of a motorized wheelchair again. they're not as easy as one might think to operate.  i'm also excited though.  i remember most of the names, i am hoping they remember me as well.  and it's a four day week, so that's always a good thing.

oh yeah.  i got some stuff done today, stuff that's been waiting for awhile now. 

yeah, i got the website updated a bit (wolfflow05.wixsite.com/zphylespublishing) and i got another flyer up on my author page on FB.  i mean, its time.  i've been lounging and licking my wounds for half a year now, and it's time to get shit moving again.  so, i did get those done.  and now, i'm going to get some rest, and God willing and the creek don't rise, i'm going to get up early as hell and get my ass to WORK.  i still like the thought of that.  thank you, Father, for a restful and productive day. 

yes, i do need a laptop.  need a separate computer for the more intricate creative stuff i'm going to be working on.  that's the point of an increase in the income, resources to move things along.  and now, the Dining Room.

Snowbound

i don't know...it wasn't a bad day, it wasn't an eventful day particularly.  it was just a day.  a cold, snowy home bound day.  but i forgot to journal, and i'm not exactly sure why.  so i'm going to catch up on both fronts today, and keep it moving from there.  beat myself with a pillow kind of thing, since i've used a bat on something today already.

anyway, yesterday was good because it was a day off WORK, and i love being able to say that.  i guess i could say it when i was working at CCA but somehow it is always different at the start, especially with a lengthy hiatus between gigs.  getting through the week, learning things and people, seeing the land mines and trying to learn the landscape to know where to place my feet, nothing out of the ordinary but definitely a different kind of stress.  and Friday being a day that turned from warm and rainy to cold and icy within a span of 5 hours, that was daunting as well.  so to have a day OFF, to have a day of doing nothing but what i wanted to do, that's kinda big for me.  and i did what i had to do. 

i'd done wash on Friday evening, wash and dry, so i got my office, both bathrooms and kitchen cleaned yesterday.  i did get up and pray, but i slept in a bit as well, though tomorrow i'm opting for the 4am wake-up, just to stay in practice for a work week.  i read my meditation books yesterday, my bible as well.  my sugar is holding at 107, and i ate a good breakfast.  i started my cleaning up here in my office, which really only needed sweeping and some dusting, and i got my clothes put away and got some dancing in too.  then i cleaned my bathroom up here, did some writing and shut everything down.  i chilled a bit downstairs, watching some television, then i got my kitchen and bathroom cleaned.  i worked on soup, got that going and started to feel kind of lonely.  i think of Rachel often now.  i ate soup for dinner, and i watched some anime on my ,Chromebook before i turned in for the night.  again, nothing eventful, nothing special.  talked to the usual people, which was cool, and checked up on my parents.  haven't been able to reach De'ja, there's some kind of issue with his phone. 

this morning i woke about 330am, went to the bathroom and turned on my coffee left from yesterday and fell back asleep until 8am.  i got up with prayer, went to get coffee and water and checked on my brother on the phone. i have talked to Yvette on the phone, taken my meds and had my breakfast.  i'm going to dig my car out, well, brush it off anyway and get it started.  i'm going to my CA meeting today, going to the store to get some things.  i've got my dinner already planned out, so i don't have to worry much about that.  i am going to check on Lonnie, as he's not feeling well today.  i don't really know what else i'm going to do, but since i'm still off until Tuesday, i don't have to put a lot of worry into it. 

one thing i have to say; this is the part about the beating myself with a bat.  i have to change my perspective on my physicality, my body to be specific.  i've done much to completely undermine my elasticity, and at almost 50 years old, i'm fairly sure i've none left at all.  when i lose weight, everything sags, and there's no amount of body building that i'm honestly willing to do to fill out this skin with anything else.  intellectually, i can say that it doesn't matter, that i'm losing weight, improved health, lower blood sugar, probably get off some of these meds, and that's all positive.  and those things are real and true; i don't state them because i want to make myself 'feel better', because i'm not a person who gets off on lying to himself anymore.  but if i don't acknowledge things here, then there's self-delusion, which is worse than a lie. 

truth is, getting old, getting older, is a change, and part of the change is purely physical.  i feel the slowness of the step and the fading of vision.  i feel the confused moments, the poignancy of not being able to remember what i just was thinking moments ago, what i was saying in the middle of a conversation.  and, when i look at me in a mirror, i see the weight of so many indulgences, i see great losses that went unmaintained and great gains out of frustration and lack of discipline.  i label it as UGLY still, because to me, to my programmed mind, that's what it is.  but it is me, and i am a child of my Father, and i am not UGLY.  there are struggles, i guess is the point.  regardless of sober time, of age, of gender, of race, of culture.  programming makes the mind see what it sees, and reprogramming is required...not just to break the old programming.  if you have a computer that runs a windows program and you reformat it without an operating system, you have a box of circuitry with no purpose that does nothing you want it to do.  so, i have things to add to the list of goals for this year.  not RE-Solutions...SOLUTIONS.  and i will ask God for the insight to be more grateful, because i am doing better already.  but i am grateful to Jehovah, for all my needs for today are met, and that's all that is really important. 

The Dining Table

The End of The Work Week (YAY!)

is there a particular thought?  is there something profound that i can share at this moment?  i don't know.  i feel like there should be.  i feel like i've learned some things, and i've done some things.  but i don't know if this is the Hallmark moment or not.  i know i've finished my first week of work, a new job, a new year.  a re-purposing. i know i feel good about that.  i know that things are not, in any way, what they were last year.  it is a strange thing, to look across calendar pages and see only the radical changes that have transpired.

below, i'm going to paste my selection from one year ago, January 12, 2017.  i just read it myself, and it is very indicative of what i'm referring to, a lesson in the necessity of keeping notes on one's own life, and the power that is inherent in paying attention to the details as one is living through them.

You can run a gamut of emotions through the course of a day.  you can start out miserable and end up positively giddy, or you can start with a songbird's song in your throat and end with a wail of grief.  the sunrise promises nothing, for the sunrise itself is not promised.

i didn't write yesterday because i was getting back into the swing of doing the day.  i was down for two days sick and convalescing, and i only went to my meeting and the store yesterday.  but i will recap.

i got up and i did the morning as it should be.  i prayed, did my crunches and some stretches, read my scripture and my daily meditation books.  i had a good blood sugar, took my insulin, had breakfast, took my meds earlier than i had the previous day and i ran a bath.  i'd intended to take one Tuesday night, but i was not energetic enough to make it happen.  but on Wednesday i had a good soak, shaved my head and face, got myself together and got my shit together to hit the meeting.

i got there about an hour early and Don came in right behind me.  as i'd spoken the previous week about the 'Maytag repair-man' feeling of sitting in a meeting by oneself, i suppose he responded, as he's cut from at least swatches from the cloth i was made from.  no ego; i am swatches of a cloth that made the ones before me.  but now they're all rayon and synthetics, it seems.  anyway, the meeting was okay, there weren't a lot of people there, we did Step 9 and then i went to the store.  i called my mother to speak to her, checking on her, and i asked Syd what she wanted for dinner.  she said lasagna, and i almost vetoed it, with the thought on my mind that i didn't want to spend that much.  but Syd bought me dinner the night before, and i knew i really could afford the ingredients since i had many of them on hand already.  so i got what i needed.

let me add, another reason i didn't write was i had a visitor in the morning.  TF, from so long ago, texted and asked if she could come by for a bit before i went to the meeting.  the irony of that is, i started being a service-person in that meeting in support of her, who was given a position and then abandoned there.  now, it is an outpost meeting, where most won't go because it's not quite sick enough to drive me out.  if i left, it would sicken again and the people would come back.  no ego again; it's the sad truth.  and i'm not well, so that should tell you the level of sickness i'm talking about.

anyway, she came by, had coffee, half-updated me on things that i knew nothing about, had brunch with me and then went her way.  she thanked me for the time and the food later on Facebook, which was nice.

another thing that happened, and why i didn't write, was i had to process a text i sent and a conversation i had.

i had sent Chris my usual good morning text, and i told her i had been thinking about her, which i had.  i told her to call, as i was in the tub and wasn't going to continue to text.  i had been thinking about the nature of our involvement with each other.  more to the point, with Syd about to turn 18, everything changes, and for the most part this would be the time i could completely disassociate myself from Chris.  but i have been trying to look at things with more spiritual eyes.  the child support, for a long time, went into keeping this household going.  it was a way of paying some bills, of getting food when we needed, of freeing up other funds so that other things could be taken care of.  the evidence of that is how much has been off-center since i gave Syd the card for her use last year.  but i've no regrets about that.  she is the child being supported.  but it can't have been the easiest thing for Chris either.  i know where Chris comes from.  more than most, i know what goes on inside her.  for her, this is about the best she has been able to do, and perhaps it's allowed her to evolve a bit, to become something more than the panic-stricken, angry child who was abuse and hurt by everyone she ever trusted.  under any circumstance, i said thank you, and i told her i appreciated her having Syd for me. and we talked and that was that.  i felt good about it, and i still do.

so i came home.  i made myself an actual lunch and got started on the lasagna.  i talked to Joe about my storyboard ideas and how some of it could be facilitated.  i got half the rest of my money from Felecia and decided i'd resume editing on her book.  i got trash taken to the curb.  i watched some television, but not much.  and i went to bed after a bit.  i thought about where i am, how i feel so much more centered than i thought i would, as nothing has actually resolved itself,and i realize that the faith that i need is not for me to measure.  i don't know if i have enough, i'll never know that.  but what i do know is worrying and fretting and panicking isn't going to make one damn thing better.  so i am trying to stay on point, do what God puts in front of me to do, and keep it moving.

as to the sometimes, i put in an application at AT&T again, and though i got past the first hurdle, they turned me down.  as well, i heard at the JCC today that Paul, who said they'd be calling back after the new year began, had already hired someone, who just hadn't shown up.  and i realize that sometimes God protects me from things that i don't know i'm being protected from, and sometimes, learning to wait is actually learning how much value you truly have as a human and spiritual concern.  I have begun my new day and will journal on this journey later.  thank you, Father.



it's funny.  i look in that window, the one with Esmeralda, my avocado plant, and i see my life, the way i thought it should look at that time, and it looks nothing like this life does now.  i see a place i'd spent five years, raising a child, paying bills, cooking meals, trying to write and build a business, trying to love unlovable women (hindsight and conjecture; no one is unlovable, some are just unloved for too long).  still doing the same meetings, but weary, very weary.  sick at that time, i kind of remember going through a double bout of the flu.  and TF, still in my life, but further in the background now than she was then.  the routine, the exercises, the wanting something to change. no mention of Rachel.  because she was in my life so i wrote about her when something was going on.  absence makes the heart long stronger, that's for sure.

now?  i'm working.  then?  i was looking for work.  i was probably just trying to get my ass in gear.  Syd would have been back in school.  i would have been about to start back to the gym.  that was a Wednesday, by the meeting description.  but what's the real question?

i can tell you that.  the real question is, am i a different person now?  i'm in a different space.  this is my home, but it is not as satisfying.  but it is growing on me.  it is the dimension of my loneliness, but that's not as bad as it seems.  i have no plants, yet.  i have me, and i have my writing.  i'd just gotten money to work on Felecia's book at that time, so i was working on projects.  a year later, and she's still not done.

i worked today, we got done early.  ice rain and snow falling.  i had counseling, i saw my dad and mom.  i am tired, and i'm ready to crash.  i am grateful, in great measure, for what Jehovah has blessed me with.  even my memory.  even my today.

The Dining Table

the body is a mass of sensation and triggers.  that's pretty much the human experience, in my life learnings.  you have sensations, and you learn to make sense of them over time, sense being whatever or however the world tells you to react or respond to those sensations.  and then things happen to trigger those sensations over and over and over again, to gain the looked-for reaction the world would like to see from you, or your peers or educators or whomever.  and it doesn't change very much over time.  perhaps that's the deal with the genuine -isms of the world, is man's attempt to short circuit the cycle of sensation/trigger to give themselves a bit of peace...even if it means checking out of the whole fucking world for a little while, eh?

i'm writing this now because i doubt if i am long for the evening.  the day was fine, i am just still in adjustment mode with the new job.  i got up super-early, like 330am, and i said my prayer and got my ass moving, with the alarm set for 4am.  i read scripture and meditation books, i had breakfast of steak, eggs and toast, and i had one cup of coffee....ONE CUP OF COFFEE.  that is inhumane to the extreme, but i am trying to keep the flow (no pun intended) of our runs without stopping to piss.  so...sacrifice, right?  OOOPS, menu item alert.  you can find the rest at The Dining Table, got in my three squares today. 

anyway, i got to work early, got on the road on time, and had a pretty quick morning.  good conversation, good journeying.  one client didn't really want to ride today, but that wasn't a deterrent.  back at the office, there was an in-service between our drop-offs and pick-ups, nothing extreme, as i thought it would be.  then i grabbed some lunch, dozed in and out for a bit, and went on the pick up runs. 

had a few 'learning moments', like when the lift wasn't working to put one client on, when i couldn't operate the controls of his chair when getting him off, and when a client didn't want to sit back down after i asked him to stand to give another passenger room to exit the bus.  i have to remind myself constantly that i am new and being trained by my driver, i am not expected to do this job perfectly.  but i'm learning.  and it is worthwhile work.  i can't say for sure that this job is all aboveboard; there are elements that are strangely and unsettlingly like the bullshit with the 'opioid epidemic' outbreak of treatment facilities.  but there's no getting around that we are doing something worthwhile, and that these are just people in need of some basic human kindness, which of course is not so basic nor so human anymore.  sad to say.

anyway, i'm going to be shutting it down soon.  i would hope, with the weather about to break bad, that they would cancel the workshops and call us to tell us to stay home tomorrow. but either way, if i work, cool, i get paid...if i don't, cool, i sleep in a bit before counseling.  i am so grateful to Jehovah.  i needed to remember how to learn, how to smile and how to appreciate a life of innocence again. 

The Maturing Process pt 2

sometimes, knowledge can be a bad thing.  not that a person shouldn't take time to know things whenever they can, but the saying 'knowledge can be a burden' is not a lie.  to know, to know HOW to know, to discern and see patterns and actions and motivation clearly though one would obscure them from you...it creates a paradox, because you have to be responsible for what you know and also continue on as if you don't know anything.  burdensome.

But before i go any further, updated meals for the 9th and 10th are logged now at the Dining Room, and the link will take you there.  thanks for your patience.

First, this company is less than a month old in this area.  whatever it was before has changed recently.  many of its employees have come from the Fairfield transportation system that took DD individuals to their functions.  so a company moved into this area under the auspices of 'new regulations' that required a company like theirs do the things they were already set up to do on behalf of the community, and thus PCS Trumbull county was born.  and what it sounds so much like to me is the rash of treatment centers that have opened in the lee of the 'opiod epidemic'.

anyway, there is a mad rush to fill the positions, and there is a mad rush to get people out on the roads.  but i am not trained, at all.  i am learning, and am doing well enough, i suppose.  but i'm not trained. never did this work before, and that is known.  so there really are no realistic expectations of me. and a month into a new company, there aren't many expectations for anyone that are real, other than competency.  but we're having an in-service thursday.  concerning things that the heads of the company in the city say are being done wrong.  and there is a lot of bickering and infighting, because people have a hard time dealing with being told they're doing wrong when they don't know what they're doing at all.

but those are sort of 'asides'.

i have been enjoying myself.  learning the people on the vehicle, including my driver.  the most complicated thing so far is learning the straps to hold a wheelchair in place on the bus.  we're out for about 3 hours, down for about 3, 4 hours, then out for about 3 hours and do it again the next day.  i am learning that i often have to help someone onto the bus, that i need to be on the sidewalk to help a person, that everyone doesn't want help, or want you in their space.  just like anyone else. 

i have learned the company is set up to fail, that the rush is rife with penalties for doing things wrong, that even the drivers, many of them experienced from the previous company, are doing most things wrong, that there are fines, there are lost raises and perhaps even withheld monies from the workers for these things not being done correctly.

and i can't have that.  regardless of how much i could enjoy this job, i'm doing it to get paid.  bottom line. 

there's more.  but the thing is, as in the title, i just want things to be done correctly.  if they're not, i want to get paid for doing the job i was hired to do, regardless of whether i've been trained to do it or not.  because i can't train myself to do a job that is under state guidelines.  i can only follow principles of treating someone human as a human and hope that's good enough for now.

i got up in a rush yesterday, realizing that 445 is not enough time to get a day started.  i had no breakfast before i left, and that's not good for me.  i did pray, did read out of Proverbs, did get to work on time.  i ate a late breakfast, had no lunch, finished my work day okay and got home to warm up leftovers from yesterday and chill a bit. 

i talked to Yvette yesterday.  she's constantly depressed.  i have to get to see her, and can since we don't work weekends.  but there's so much sickness right now, so many people in my life hurting.  it's very depressing. 

i don't know we're off monday.  if we are, i don't know if we get paid for it.  i only know i'm grateful to Jehovah for the job, regardless of the intent of the people who hired me.  and i'm going to start looking to see what else is out there soon enough. 

The Maturing Process, part 1

days go by, regardless of who you are.  you've no choice.  the price of living in this world is the passage of time.  good passage or foul, it goes, and you go eventually.  the man blessed with a hundred and a half years is withered to a husk, more often than not.  the baby girl just born five minutes after you read this has no idea she will one day cease to exist, but she will.  it is how life is.  but it doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile. 

for me to say that, for me to mean it, is a new thing.  it is part of what i'm reflecting on at this moment.  i am home from work.  that sentence, those five words, are huge.  they're much bigger than they appear.  i am exhausted, because i did not get enough sleep last night.  i'm not particularly sore, i'm not daunted by the prospect of another day, i'm not anxious and i'm not sad because of the things i'm seeing.  i am learning something i did not know, i am doing something that is worthwhile and that i've not done before, and i am glad that i am able to do it.  that is a cool thing. 

at the same time, this is some stupid shit.  truth is truth, as my sponsor would say.  the company has been operating on the fly for a week.  they haven't even filled all the positions yet.  most days at their office is barely organized chaos.  today i got there at six on the money.  i was assigned a driver and a vehicle yesterday.  being assigned a vehicle means you have to read the ISP (individual service plan) of everyone assigned to that vehicle, so you can deal with them as individuals.  so i did this.  signed off on each person i read about yesterday.  and then comes the chaos.  this morning, it was decided that i didn't need to ride with him as an aide, because he would have no one that was wheelchair dependent today, and he didn't have a particularly troublesome route in his opinion.  so i was moved to a different driver.  she was cool, a bit frazzled as part of her character, i guess, but good people.  she talked, i helped her, we got through the morning, got back in.  i came back at the time i was told to (earlier, in fact...new policy is, as long as i'm early i'll never be late), and was told that i'd be going out with someone else because the driver from the morning was too slow on her route.  and before i left the office, i had been assigned to yet a fourth driver.  and therefore, not only did i not know any of the individuals or their specifics from the morning route, the familiarity i'd gained counted for nothing when i was switched in the afternoon. 

and i got through it without batting an eye. 

it was dumb.  disorganized.  but it didn't stop my time card from ticking (passage of time), and it didn't mean much to me, because every single person i've engaged with their in the last two days is a stranger to me.  right?  dig it?  so to get pissed because one stranger would rather work alone and another stranger isn't driving fast enough for them and a third stranger disappears into the ether so i end up with a fourth stranger...why, that would be madness, wouldn't it? 

i've grown up.  it is a truth, i need not embellish upon it. 

today i saw my mom and dad.  i took them beef stew and biscuits that i had cooked yesterday, so i wouldn't be tempted to OD on biscuits today.  i have eaten two of my three meals, and the third is being made ready now. i've spoken to Lonnie, TP, TF, De'ja.  I've heard from Chris and Syd, and i even touched base with Yvette.  i am weary, running on 3 hours of sleep from not being able to go under last night.  i miss Rachel.  but i am okay.  and i know that i am. 

tomorrow, i'll be at work at 6am.  i have a meeting to attend.  i have things to tend to in regard to the anniversary meeting.  but i feel okay.  and i'm looking forward to working tomorrow. 

thank you, Father, for your love and for growing me in Your garden. 

Cold to Ice to Snow...

this is an amazing thing happening in the city right now, though being winter there's no need to be amazed about it.  the cold spell, the sub-zero wind chills and the digit weather has ended, only to be started in celebration with an ice rain this morning.  that has been the tone of my day so far, and still i'm grateful for it.

so i woke this morning just before four-thirty.  i had the alarm set for 445, but i beat it solidly and was happy about that.  i'd had a good night's sleep, i woke refreshed and ready to roll.  i turned on my coffee pot, said my prayer, got my medicine in and my insulin shot, read from Proverbs and my meditation books and i had a small breakfast.  i got my bed made, got dressed, got my car started, had coffee ready to go.  i found when i went to warm the car that there was ice falling from the sky, from the sub-zero temperatures apparently.  so i heated the car for 15 minutes and began my ride to work.  how different a thing that is to say again...my ride to 'work'.  even though i was just saying it in the summer, it feels good to say it again.

i got there a bit behind, because the roads were slick, but still earlier than i needed to be.  but when i was getting out of my car, another employee told me they'd cancelled activities for the clients due to the weather.  i decided to go in anyway, show my face, show that i actually made it to work.  that was good, as i ended up with a bunch of paperwork that needed to be done, a test with videos i needed to do, CPR that i found i didn't have to test on since my certification was in August, and reading through some things i'd have to know and would know more about later in my employment.  it was a good day.

after that, about 10 or so i'd say, i made my way to my parent's house.  i talked to my mom and dad and got a pot of coffee ready for my mother.  by the time that happened, the ice rain had ended, turning into snow.  which, sadly, it is still doing outside.  i went to the store and got a beef roast and an onion for a beef stew, as Syd and Joe may come by to do some laundry today.  just in case.

i think i'm going to enjoy this job.  the schedule is different.  i'll go in at 6am, be there for about 3 hours and then go home, or wherever, and come back in the afternoon for another 3 hours.  it's part time, so there shouldn't be any problem with disability, and i have enough places close to go that i don't need to run east to north to east to north to east. i have no idea what my days are, whether we work weekends, when payday falls or anything.  but i'm employed, i'm working, and i'm happy and blessed.

i will post more as there is more, but i'm in for the day, down for the day and thanking my Father for the day.  food log to come at the Dining Room asap.

Progress in the Pain

no pic at this time.  my apologies.  yesterday i began a new cycle of pain, the usual pain rather than the side pain that had plagued me from the day after thanksgiving to last week.  my back had started twinging on friday, and i could feel a stiffening in my right foot.  what i've found is, when i feel these things, i should start treating them immediately, to try to ward off the worst of it.  this time, i did not, and therefore the flare-up has happened in its entirety.  not the biggest deal in the world.  i still got up yesterday, said my prayer, had my breakfast, took my meds, did my dancing, went to see my parents.  i also went to the hospital to visit my sponsor, which was a very sad thing.  i was able to dance, without much issue, but by the end of the day i was in agony, unable to go to Karl's house as planned, unable to do anything except sit in pain.  which is what i did.  i slept okay though; two gabapentin helped with that.

i got up this morning, still in pain, slow motion in great amounts.  i was back and forth between my bed and the couch, trying to just stay woke.  i made no coffee.  i prayed, though, and i took my medicines.  i didn't eat anything til almost noon, and i am now hungry and hurting, though the pain is diminishing.  i talked to Syd, which was a good thing, and i put my clothes into the dryer, washed them yesterday.  i have a plan for dinner, so we'll see how that goes.

 but i have some good news.  i got a call from PCS, asking again about my CPR training certificate and asking if i could start tomorrow.  so i will be working again, yay!  it is a blessing, and i am very grateful.  so i'm going to finish this day easy, i'm waiting for them to call me with a start time, and i have to review the CPR training thing online.  but i will stay on point as best i can with this, and i thank my Father for the provisions of the day.

it's night now, almost 9pm. i'm about to shut it down, have an alarm set for 430 in the morning.  a little early, but i like to move casual when approaching a new adventure.  i just have to log my dinner at the Dining Table and then its sleep.  thank you, whomever you may be, for the prayers and the well-wishes.  i thank Jehovah God for the beginning of a new job, and for all the days that led up to this.  good night, i'll keep you posted.