on line

well, this has been an interesting day.  the best part of it is right now, before i go to bed.  reflecting, seeing what has come and what has gone, and what may come tomorrow.  i am glad to be alive at this moment.  that is a picture of a wire tree my friend Rebecca sent me.  it's very beautiful.

i got up at 5 and said my prayer and slowly got dressed for the gym.  i was groggy but i felt i wasn't going to not go to the gym.  i had a cup of coffee and got out the door.  i did some weights and some treadmill and came back home.  i saw Syd out the door and had breakfast after i took my meds and insulin.  blood sugar was higher again today, 221.  i don't know what the deal is with that, but i'm adjusting the insulin so i can bring it back down to where it needs to be.  plus, i need to be far more active and take in far fewer carbs.

i talked to Rachel and went to pick her up.  we went to Goodwill and i picked up a practically brand-new Big Book and a copy of Animal Farm, as well as an old CompCare book on the 12 steps for everyone that i'm going to give to a guy i used to sponsor on sunday.  we came back here, i fed Rachel and myself and we talked a bit but mostly i worked on some cleaning, and got my new desktop installed.  YAY!

i took her home to change about 4 and took her to put in an application and then i came home.  i finished the living room, well, i'm going to vacuum before i go to bed.  i put in two apps for Recovery Coach at a new facility in youngstown.  it's time for me to get back into the world.  this is going to be a very rough month financially, and it doesn't look better heading into the end of the year.  but i trust Jehovah and his work through me that things are going to be okay.  i just have to keep doing the right things, keep moving forward and not give in to my own negativity and doubt.  and i can do that today.

Rachel told me she talked to her counselor about me saying that, as she interpreted it, it doesn't matter if she sees in her what i see in her, that all that matters is that i see it in her.  her counselor told her it was good that she didn't agree with that.  but that's not what i said.  Rachel had talked about how it was so strange that i saw so much in her that she didn't see in herself, and i said it didn't matter, i still saw so many good things in her.  i meant that it didn't matter that it was strange to her, but i am disturbed by her counselor.  the perspective was, if only my belief in her counts then my belief is something that is required for her to be okay.  now, there is about four degrees of right in that, but about 356 degrees of wrong.  and i explained to Rachel that when i was new in recovery, people had to 'love me until i learned to love myself' that my sponsor and some other good people saw the good, the intelligence and the skills that i didn't subscribe to in myself, but their belief, shown through action, and their support helped me learn to value myself and look for the good in myself.  and i can't believe, as that is common sense application, that her counselor would take a dependency tack on that.  Rachel has an entire person that sits quietly, in reserve, casting aspersions about herself.  why would someone cut a line that is being held out to her?  i guess maybe i don't understand as much as i wish i did.  anyway, i keep her in my prayers, and i'm going to sleep.  Thank you, Father, for every blessing today.

Voice entry

It's Wednesday morning. I didn't blog yesterday because I forgot. Currently, I'm sitting in a tub. I used a bath bomb that Sydney got me. Interesting concept.

I woke up with prayer and saw Sydney off to school. I've taken insulin and Medicine and I have a doctor's appointment this morning. My plans are to go to my meeting and see my parents. This writing is different because I'm using my phone and voice type as I'm sitting in the tub.

Yesterday I hung with Rachel and we went to a thrift store. We talked for awhile and we had lunch. I keep forgetting she has no gas in her house and my forgetting bothers her. I understand that completely. I am praying things get better for her soon. I guess this will work my journaling in the morning. Consistency needs to increase. I guess we'll see what the Day brings. I'm going to finish my bath and have breakfast. I will try to add more later.

it's 8pm now. i've just taken my nighttime insulin.  it was a good enough day, best way to put it.  appointment with Dr. Jackson went as well as ever, and he agreed to spread the word about my publishing efforts. the meeting was good, the speaker was fantastic and was of my sober generation though much older than i.  those are my favorites though. they teach me and i can relate to their recovery journey.
i got home and got started cooking dinner.  turned out good. i talked to Rachel for a bit, but she was on her way to counseling. i've cleaned the bathroom and am working on the kitchen before bed.  i took the trash out and want to minimize my weekend chores so i can get some business done, to the extent that the laptop i'm laboriously typing on now will allow me. but i have tools to work on. gratitude not only for what I have, but also for what has missed me. thank you,God. and back to cleaning.

today and yesterday

I'm working from a partially disabled laptop until my replacement desktop comes in.  i'm not a fan of writing from a laptop generally. too small, too many issues.  with this one, the J key is dysfunctional, the space bar does not always engage, and now the volume is not present and the dvd/cd drive is acting funny.  but it will do for the moment.

i got up yesterday to a pretty productive day.  i didn't go to the gym immediately but i got there.  i walked just over half a mile, did some weights.  i did pray when I got up, did have breakfast and take meds.  i just wasn't feeling moving at all, so i did it by force.  I promised Dr.Pandya that I would do better and  try to keep my word today.  i went to visit my mother for the same reason.  talked to her and my dad and i put my aunt's laptop back online for her.  Played with Dominic, Adriene's grandson.  always a pleasure.  I'll set him on the synthesizer app i have on my phone.  he loves it and I love the sound patterns he generates. I came home and took a nap.  i got up and talked to Syd when she got in from school about cleaning the kitchen when she's done cooking, and eventually i got up to work on dinner.  fed myself and did leftovers for Syd. talked to her about her school project in which I am the subject material.  I don't mind.  it sounds mutually advantageous.  i felt it was a good day all the way around.   i did order a replacement desktop, and that should be here within 2 weeks.

today i am up.  i've said my prayers, i've been to the gym.  i've taken my blood sugar (218, yikes) but i did know it was off because i've not been eating as I should. increased activity will help, as will lowering my carb intake.  i am going to find something to cook for dinner and retrieve it from the store in a short while.  i'm going to do some light cleaning today.  take a bath.  write out some of my business plan.  keep it simple. seems a good plan for the day. let you know how it turns out.

preparing for a new journey

sunday night.  tomorrow begins a new phase in my life.  I haven't began reviewing the past year yet, but i am not going to wait for that to begin.  i'm going to change the parameters, launch again and have a new mission.  just the from the original Star Trek to the Next Generation, except my ongoing mission will be much cooler.

got up with prayer.  moved slow, knowing that Deja would be going home today.  i had coffee, went to the store for a couple things and got breakfast going.  i was working on the computer for a few, but it got frustrating.  i'm going to need another hard drive soon.  lost some things in the system restore, some important things, but nothing that can't be regained.  but i don't want to start creating seriously only to have this computer crash.

anyway, i had breakfast with Deja, spoke with him about why Syd is likely feeling like she doesn't want to talk to him, saw him off with a hug and thanks for being here.  then i worked on getting gone.
i didn't want to spend the day here, i wanted to be sort of constructive but at the same time i  wanted to chill.  i prayed, i pondered, and i wrote a letter to Heather on the back of pages i printed for her to color.  I'd rather have her working on steps, but coloring is one of the things she can do in jail and it hurts me not at all to send her some coloring pages.  i wrote to her about step three, and i also wrote a note to give to Rachel, and i activated my extra phone and put both in an envelope.  i mailed Heather's letter at the downtown post office and i went to Rachel's house.  i ended up sitting for a bit, i told her i was sorry for misinterpreting what she had been saying and let her know i would stand back whether i wanted to or not, but that i would never not love her.  i left as her son was cutting the grass and came home to cook.  i talked to TP who had called a couple of times, and i fed my brother who rode by.  i am feeling pretty good, it wasn't a bad weekend at all aside from learning my sponsor is getting worse, words from his wife.  but i kind of knew.  i knew he wouldn't not come around if he was getting better.  and i'm not an idiot, nor am i a fantasist in that sense.  but it is still very sad.

tomorrow i hit the gym.  period.  i will let you know how that goes as we ready for launch.

intrigue...

did i start an entry today?  i don't know, for sure, but I know i'm going to write one before I go to bed.

i got up and said my prayer, and i started coffee and breakfast for Deja and I.  he came in as he said he would, and i got in his ass about his absence and he said he understood and gave me gifts, which were appreciated though i won't say thank you until tomorrow when he leaves.  we had a frittata and toast, and he cleaned the breakfast dishes.  i had slept on the sequence of things as far as having to go see Heather today, and going to take fish to Johnnie.  I decided I would go see Johnnie first, get his food to him and Nancy, then go see Heather after.  made more sense.  i considered going to see Rachel, seeing if she still wanted to come by, but i decided against it.  I do understand that she was referring to herself as possibly using me as a hostage rather than doing what she needed to do for herself, and I'll let her know that i understand that tomorrow, but for now i have to get through the rest of Deja's visit.  he accompanied me to see my sponsor and his wife, and Nancy informed me that Johnnie's lungs are getting worse.  i am sad, i may end up losing my sponsor soon.  i guess the dying won't stop for me until i myself die, and that's how life goes for us all.

Sydney is angry with her brother, and i'm staying out of the middle of it.  I talked to Lonnie briefly, and I talked to my mother briefly and let her talk to Deja.  He's going to visit them before he leaves, i hope.  i hope he and Syd work things out, and eventually they will.  Deja cooked a very nice dinner for himself and me this evening.  i saw my brother when he stopped by.  i've worked out a plan for beginning my publishing thing, and i'm going to start putting it into action tomorrow.  i don't know what the future holds, but i know who holds the future.  Thank you, Jehovah, and good night.

back on earth

...by my counselor's reckoning (sounds accurate), yesterday marked a year in orbit for me.  a year of trying to consistently work toward seeing me more clearly, changing some things that need changing and growing as a person, a spirit and a man.  i am going to be looking back through this last year for the next few days, seeing where i've been and where i've come to, so that i can get a sense of where i need to go.  to whomever has actually come this far with me on this journey, i thank you from the depth of my being.

in recovery, in 12 step recovery anyway, the last three steps are called 'maintenance steps'.  so that no one who is a practitioner of the 12 steps believe that the work is 'done' when they reach a certain point, two of these three steps encompass much of the activity of the prior 9.  step 10, specifically for this purpose, states, "Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it".  this has no great meaning, perhaps, to the 'real' world, but for us, it means that no housecleaning (steps 4,5,8 and 9) means anything if the condition is not maintained.  no different than one's home.  you clean thoroughly, and then you tidy regularly.  it doesn't make us perfect people, but it makes our minds, our habits and our lives...neater.

i can say, despite the things that i am enduring, my life is neater than it was a year ago.  i can say that much without hesitation.

yesterday i got up, got breakfast, got Syd out the door.  i went to my nephrologist, who told me i just need to be more physically active and to stop worrying about weight.  i went to counseling, and had a good session.  i came home briefly, personal biz, then went to see Rachel.  i was planning for today, and she ended up coming by to do an app online.  i fed her, we talked and she is in rough space.  i took it personal that she's back in her 'i need to work on me' mode, i imagine mostly because when she hits a place where she feels she needs to tidy her life, she jettisons me (mentally) but not the things that she repetitively does to keep from looking at her.  however, and this is important, that previous statement is how i FELT.  what i can SEE, in reflection (step 10), is that she seems to feel she is holding me hostage to her way of feeling and being, and that she is trying to create distance so she doesn't harm me.  so, i am going to respect that.  that is what my role is in this.

Deja came in, very late, said he fell asleep.  we talked, not in depth but in detail about the fucked up way he just bailed.  he's been going through a lot, but that is an established fact already.  people, self included at times, think that the key is to burrow deep, lick wounds and get shit together and then emerge and explain so those who worried themselves sick will say "Hey, cool!  you're perfect again, let's go to the disco!" or some other such irrational twattle. truth is, if one is going through shit, best thing to do is either decide to just allow people to know that you are going through shit, or put in the work afterward to pick up the pieces of what you destroyed in your self interest, because it is work.  it's not just casual '20 questions' and everything is better.  i know that from my own life.

today i'm debating on a Heather visit, as i want to get this fish and food out to Johnnie and Nancy.  i have prayed, and i'm about to go fix coffee.  things to do today.  goals to set.  that's how the next real orbit is going to begin.  time to travel.  thank you, Father.

best thing right now

it's been a chore, these last couple of days.  i don't mean that it's been particularly rough, as it has not.  i mean, my mood, my emotional level, my mental state, has been one of exhaustion, and i'm not sure why.  i think maybe my mom's mini stroke (she's doing fine now, thank Jehovah) has brought some of my trepidation back to the surface.  and it's hard to look at those things.  it's hard to acknowledge that there is such a wellspring of sadness down in the void of my being.  but it's there.  it's been there all along, i can see that now, and it robs me of reasonable thought and meaningful reflection.  it robs me of action. but i'm a pretty good thief myself, when the need arises.

yesterday i went to my meeting, though i still hadn't gotten to the gym.  it was a good meeting, good enough.  i found some peace in being there, some serenity that isn't usually present when i'm dealing with 'recovering' people lately.  but it was there, and i didn't feel angry or hostile.  i had lunch with Lonnie afterward, and we talked about some things going on in both our lives, always a pleasure.  before i left i had put a chicken in the crock pot, with a butter/olive oil/seasoning rub, and when i got home i made green beans and used stove top stuffing mix in the drippings to make crock pot dressing.  then i went to visit Rachel, which I considered doing today but i'm not.  i talked with her for a bit, she is down, as i knew, and feeling bad about where her life is, as i knew. but i hung out, drank coffee and water, and just enjoyed being around her.  i told her i'd like to hang with her Saturday, and i'll likely slide by after counseling tomorrow just to see if she's good on that possibility.  anyway, i came home, had dinner, and after some tossing and turning i went to sleep.

i got up this morning and prayed but fell back asleep.  again, no energy, no motivation.  i finally got up, listed my meds in my phone to take to my doctor's appointment, had breakfast and meds, and fixed my mom a plate from the leftovers.  i took it around to her before i went to the doctor.  my numbers were good from my labwork, i got refills that will be called in and a new injectable that should help with the weight if it doesn't kill me first.  i went then to mickey d's to eat something and to Sparkles in warren to get some catfish.  i told my sponsor i'd bring he and his wife some fish and things on saturday, which is part of what i would like Rachel to hang out with me for. i'd like the woman in my heart to meet my benefactor.  that would make a complete circle for me.  Syd had texted me earlier in the day and asked if she could make breakfast for dinner today and i told her sure.  so i also got eggs and syrup (sugar-free for me) and pancake mix.  i came home, put the rest of the leftovers away, washed the dishes, watched a movie and decided to journal before i decide about cutting the grass.  i think i'm going to do the back this evening.  it has to be done, i need more activity and it ain't gonna do itself.  i have nothing else planned and will not speak on the gym as i don't know what's going to happen in the morning.  but i am blessed up to this point, and that's the best thing in the world right now.

morning after posting

when the day actually happens, it is hard sometimes to remember to do this.  But i remember the next day, and perhaps that is when I'll have to make sure i journal my days past, as i go into the end of the orbital period.  it has been almost a year, amazingly.  i have been mostly consistent with this.  life changes, and i guess i'll be going back and chronicling this soon, so i can see what the journey has been like from the outside.

yesterday was a good day.  i got up and got started at the gym, as i will do as soon as i am done with this part of the entry right now.  i got in a little over a mile on the treadmill and i came home.  i had a breakfast sandwich, i did  some further editing on the Last Recovering Man, and i took stuff out that I'd be cooking for dinner.  i didn't do a lot in the morning, as i was planning to do some runs to get out of the house later.

my runs were; to the noon meeting at the fellowship hall to offer condolences to my friend Greg who lost his mom last week, to my sponsor's house to visit as i'd not been there in quite a little while, to my parent's house and if i could, to Rachel's house to check on her.  I didn't make Rachel's house, as i didn't want to run to Struthers to find she wasn't home, which would have been a waste of gas.  i did get to my parent's house, my mom has a follow up appointment this morning with her doctor and i made her do some walking, i did some clothes and i got some green tomatoes and some zucchini and squash.  i got a load of clothes in the washer as well.  i came home, got started on dinner, dried my clothes, watched some television and relaxed, planning for this day.

my computer is in the process of dying, and one of my tasks today is going to be getting my information off the hard drive, because i don't want to lose anything unnecessarily.  i was hoping to get a bit more time out of it, but you can't make anything be anything that it's not.  that's how life goes.  i did get to talk to Rachel, trying to make plans for sometime this week.  i'm hoping for Saturday.  supposed to be making fish and taking it to my sponsor and his wife, and would love for Rachel to meet my sponsor.  that would be a good thing.

i had fish and rice and broccoli and cheese for dinner.  i don't know what breakfast is going to be, but i am about to go to the gym and i'll decide after that.  meeting this afternoon.  i am blessed and aware of the blessing, which is a second blessing in itself.  Thank you, Father.

the useless struggle...

hard to know what to think of this world, sometimes.  it seems that i can write about the insanity, i can talk about the insanity, i can fight and scream about the insanity, but it remains, it prospers and grows and just keep eating up more and more of the sensible things that i thought i understood, and i guess eventually the purpose is that there should be no more sane things, no more sensible things, just insanity.  i don't know if i can really live in a world like that.

yesterday, i did nothing.  there was nothing worth blogging about.  i took my sister to the airport.  i ate three meals.  i laid around.  i watched some tv, some videos on my chrome book.  i called my mom twice, but i didn't go to visit her.  talked to my brother for a bit when he stopped by.  i finished the Last Recovering Man, worked on my computer and tried to just chill.  and that was the day.  didn't hear from Rachel, to my chagrin.

today, though, was different.  today i got up, got it started slowly.  again, the lethargy has a grip on me, i didn't hit the gym.  my alternate plan was to go to my sponsors after i went to see my mother and then go to Mill Creek to walk some paths.  get in a little nature before the cold sets in.  to that effect, i wore my old Reeboks which are essentially my utility shoes.  i cut grass in them, wear them to the gym.  i went to see my mom and all my plans went awry.  not her fault, not my dad's fault, not even my own.  or less so, anyway.

they had discharged my mother with no notification.  they were in the process  of getting her out of the hospital, and not into Park Vista for physical rehabilitation as had been stated.  i didn't have a problem with that so much as the lack of communication.  i knew my dad would blow a gasket over it, but i had to summon him, as i am not enforced to make decisions for my mother.

several versions of what had transpired, different takes on one single fact.  double speak, condescension, the whole nine and a half yards of mendacity and bullshit.  i was at the hospital from 830 until about 330 or so.  and in the end, my mother was sent home.  and i am tired and angry, because no one has any ability to simply acknowledge that they fucked up.

the blessing, of course, is that my mom is probably fine.  she seemed in good spirits before the nonsense, she looks better, she sounds much like herself.  but they didn't inform her of any test results.  they gave her no indication that they were just pushing her out.  my mom was upset, my dad was furious and i was and am mentally exhausted.

i guess it could be worse.  the woman in the next bed was ninety plus years old and had no one to look out for her at all.  but she was probably an old racist, from my mom's description, so there's that.  i'm going to nap, figure things out for tomorrow.  thank you, Father, for looking after my mom.

crisis wave

i didn't write yesterday.  it turned into a not so good day, after all.  i'm going to talk about it, catch up and try to figure some things out along the way.

i didn't go to the gym yesterday, didn't get out for my walk either.  i've been hurting somewhat over the past couple of weeks, i've attributed it to my inactivity, and i haven't been eating as i should either.  those could be valid things, but i should have been more active and i have started eating more responsibly again.  i went to counseling, i came home and i sort of just lazed about.  there was nothing to do except clean my bedroom, but i wasn't feeling that.
fast forward to around five pm or so, and i got a call from Syd relaying a request from my dad to fetch him a jacket and bring it to St. E's emergency room, as he was there with my mother.  i didn't catch the implication, and was moving to just dismiss it for the moment, but she clarified that my mother was in emergency and likely had had a stroke.  so i got angry, and i got dressed and went to get a jacket for him and called my older brother to ride with me but i couldn't reach him so i went alone.
i found my mom and dad in the emergency room itself.  my mom was on a er bed and my dad was in a chair swaddled in thin emergency room blankets.  she was parked in the corridor by the nurses station.  it was a very busy night for bad medicine apparently.  i finally got my brother and told him what was going on and he made his way down as well.  i talked to my dad, my anger dispelled, and he said he hadn't got word from the beginning either, that my sister convinced my mother to call her doctor, as she was having trouble with her left eye and arm.  her doctor told her to get to the hospital er and she complied.
i stayed through my brother and baby sister coming and going, and i stayed until they got her into a room and through my dad leaving.  i told her to take it easy and to not try to rush out of the hospital, and finally i left, and it was after 8pm when i got home.  i had a chicken pot pie my baby sister had brought for my mother that she couldn't eat, and I had that and a piece of chicken leftover for dinner.
today i got up and moved slowly but steadily.  i said prayers, got up and got dressed and went to St. E's to get bloodwork for an appointment with Dr. Pandya on Friday approaching.  i had breakfast afterward in the cafeteria and then i went to visit my mother.  she looked pretty much as she always does, and she was just finishing up breakfast.  i sat with her for a bit and then came home as i'd not taken any of my medicines, since it was a fasting bloodwork.  i got in, took insulin and pills and got my room straightened up.  my brother came by and i talked to him for a few.  i debated on whether i should try to catch Rachel or not.  i've not heard from her since Tuesday's outing, and i'm sure something has gone wrong in her life.  but i am staying close to home for now.  i went to see Heather in jail and went through some recovery stuff.  she has a big book, at least the text portion, which is cool.  and i am moving her to her 3rd step, so she can prepare to rid herself of some long, festering baggage.  then i went to visit my mom again.
family was there, my cousin Vic, the older of my sisters and my dad.  i talked with them and my mother briefly and then left to come home.  i've been here, thinking of things and trying to work out my emotions, since then.
i'm glad she's in the hospital.  i know that time is short for all of us, and there's nothing you can do when you're number comes up.  but it was something of a strong reaction.  i guess, when my dad goes, he's there so much now i'm sort of desensitized to it.  he goes, he goes by himself, he stays if they let him, invariably nothing is wrong except he's getting older and he comes home until the next time.  but my mother does not enjoy hospitals, does not want to be there and avoids doctors because she fears the worst, i'm sure is the reason.  she used to be the one always at the hospital and my dad was the one who would stay away.  funny how things change.
and seeing my parents getting older, my mom being sick (small stroke), my dad losing a step here, a step there, it brings home the mortality issue.  death is not far away, it is never as far away as we choose to believe it is, it is always closer than we're comfortable knowing is true.  so there has to be a dealing with it, an acceptance, even if its just an uneasy acceptance.  i have to work on that now.  because there's work to do under any circumstances.  and the road only gets shorter, never longer.  I thank Jehovah for watching over my mother and my family.

working it out

today has been a peaceful, stressful day.  i've been having more of these strange combination days lately.  what are you going to do?
i got up with prayer.  i decided against the gym, due to the late conversation and early waking with Syd.  i also had to have a talk with Joe about his hanging out here all day while Syd was sick, and about coming in and not actually doing shit when you're like as if you belong.  I have a problem with being the only person maintaining my environment with other people living in it.  pet peeve i guess.
anyway, i prayed, i didn't go to the gym, i watched some television and then went to my parent's house.  I talked to my mother for a few and then i got on the road to Akron to pick up my baby sister from the airport.
it was a stressful ride.  just outside of Akron there was some kind of accident on the two-lane highway that slowed everything to a standstill at times.  I had left with a time-frame of being slightly early, and instead i ended up slightly late.  on the way back, i got turned around twice, which is really pretty weird as i've only made the trip on I-76 a hundred times in my driving life, on the way to and from Columbus.  but it was construction both times that got me turned around, and it made me feel pretty old.  but i had a nice, if sparse, conversation with my sister, and i got her home safe.  then i cam back to my apartment.
i saw right away Joe got the grass cut, which was cool.  i came in, got some lunch in me and watched some more television, then decided i'd do the cleaning i'd neglected for the past two weeks.  i'm now done with the kitchen and bathroom and i am going to have the living room done before i go to bed.  bedroom can wait til tomorrow, it won't take long.  i'm going to try to do some writing as well, put some pages together, i've been off my balance a bit, but that's just life at this point.  do what you can when you can and don't beat yourself senseless over what you have to wait on, because waiting is all that happens until the grave anyway.
my brain works a bit better with the clutter reduced, though the hair on my head is still a thought-impediment.  but i am grateful to God for this day of life, as I know there are many who have not seen the sunset today, and i am blessed for that if nothing else, and there is an abundance more.

yesterday's news today

i'm up, in my normal time zone.  i am sleepy as i didn't get to sleep until around midnight, for an interesting reason that i'll get to soon enough.  i feel good though, with some worries that I'll be addressing fairly soon.

yesterday, i didn't write, because the night was full and the day was without a break of significant reset proportion (nap) and i realized it this morning so i'm going to play catch-up.

i got up on wednesday morning with prayer.  i got to the gym and worked the machines.  i truly need to get back to walking, need some aerobic stuff in my life.  i got a call from Syd while at the gym that she was still not feeling well.  i finished my workout a bit earlier than planned and went to the store to get stuff for Syd, meds and chicken soup stuff.
i got home, got some medicine into her, got some breakfast into me, a frittata, and i sort of eased through my day.  I told Joe i wanted the grass cut if he was going to hang out here all day.  i actually did not want him hanging out here all day, but at the same time i didn't want to cut the grass.  it was sort of lose/lose with the rain, sorry to admit.
i got my shit together and left for the meeting about 11am.  i set up, the secretary made it today, which was cool, and i'm pretty sure he's going to decide he needs to step down.  in his case, i completely understand.  he's an older man, likely in his seventies, HIV, diabetes and some other illnesses, and he's not doing as well as he'd like to be health-wise.  but he is still stand-up as so many others, so many younger individuals have found themselves unable to be.  it makes one think.
i left the meeting and came home to start my dinner and get ready for the evening.  i got my stuff done, took a shower, got dressed and went to pick up Rachel about 545 to go see W Kamau Bell.
It was nice to have time with Rachel, and we hung out, talked a bit, caught Bell's 'lecture' which was more like a light version of his comedy routine, and we came back here and had dinner.  i took her home, talked to Lonnie until i got back home and then i talked to Syd for a good while about her concerns with Heather being in communication with me until i had to go to sleep, as i have to collect my baby sister from the airport this day.
I have no desire for Heather at all.  it's one of those things, and i guess maybe it's not cool but it is cool.  i don't know if i ever really did, to be honest.  when i met Heather I was eleven years younger and going through some horrendous changes mentally and emotionally.  I was fucking around with her and two other women i worked with, because i was compensating for the failure that i felt like pretty much 24/7.  but i didn't get deep into that with Heather because she was so young (18 at that time) and because she wasn't able to grasp the concept of not falling in love with me.  when she would re-enter my life, i'd help her out, i'd accept her affection and return it to a degree, but it was still in the drifting way i had emotionally.  i was unconnected from everyone, felt all women were crazy and didn't want to allow anyone to have full access to my heart.  in the prison situation, Heather says she left because she felt herself about to use again and didn't want to hurt me.  i do believe she has convinced herself of this, and addicts are wonderful actors.  but i am a recovering addict, active in a 12 step life, and Heather has known that since we met.  she knew from the start that if she was having issues, i would be able and willing to help her.  so, if she knows enough or feels enough or remembers enough to reach out to me now, then she knew enough two years ago, because it's the same information she's pulling from now.  but i'm not condemning her for that, and that's what i tried to convey to Sydney.
i've done my wrongs, in and out of recovery.  i've hurt people being stone sober and knowing my actions were wrong.  i was a younger man when i did those things, but karma doesn't have a timer attached to it.  as i want forgiveness, i have to forgive.  as i am losing friends because i am more demanding of people having my best interest at heart, i have to accept that i have to be a friend even to people who may not know how to have a healthy friendship.  because, what would a person think, knowing that i profess i'm a 'recovering addict through the twelve steps', if my thing is to say, 'FUCK YOU and i hope you rot in jail', because they did to me what dopefiends do all the time?  would that reflect well on the principles of the program i practice?  nothing in God's universe happens by accident, and there is a purpose to Heather being where she is and contacting me.  i won't know what that reason is unless i deal with it.  but for certain, there is no interest in physicality with her, there is no desire to cohabit with her and there is no divot of love that i can fall into with her.  reading is fundamental, it doesn't all happen with books, and learning is absolutely mandatory if one is to grow up.

okay, that's enough to start the day.  i've prayed, had one cup of coffee and am thinking of laying back down for a bit.  thank you, Jehovah, for breath to start the day.

replies

i didn't hit the gym today.  i don't know why.  i was up, dressed and all i had to do was leave out, but i decided to keep writing instead.  not really cool.

i said my prayers and got up, as stated.  i wrote a good amount and am happy with the way the story is progressing.  it should be done by the end of this month, and i'm going to give my sponsor a print off of it, just because he gave me the idea to write it. i had breakfast, i slept a lot of the morning away, and i went to lunch with Lonnie.  i got home and i lounged about, i made Syd and myself pancakes and eggs for dinner.  i feel okay, just sluggish.  the nights are cool and the days are warm without being oppressive.

i got another letter from Heather today, speaking on the insanity of her life, as i instructed, and about her inability to forgive herself.  i wrote a reply today, walking her more solidly through the first two steps and took her to the third step doorway.  we'll see if she can talk about how she relates to the notion of God.  but i am trying to live my prayer in that regard.  my heart is recovery based for her, and that's cool enough.

i talked to Rachel, she called me in the morning and the evening.  she has an interview tomorrow, which is great news.  she has been on the verge of shit getting cut off.  i'm keeping her hiring in my prayer, hoping for Jehovah's favor on her interview.

i've heard from Chris about De'Ja.  he's having some issues, apparently, but he's not talking to anyone about them.  i'm not going to try to reach into a blind place.  i will if i absolutely have to, but he has to learn to reach out, to extend a hand and ask for help.  he's too old now, its too late for coddling, though my parents would likely point out the help they still give me today.  i have no problem helping him; i have a problem with him not telling me what's going on with him.  life on life's terms.

i'm going to sleep, i don't know what i'm doing in the morning.  but if i wake up, i'll know then.  thank you, Father, and may your will be done on behalf of those who are in need of your intervention.

...push...

birth requires pushing.  well, natural birth anyway.  a mother is told to push, to bear down and bring the child forward through the birth canal.  well, that's my supposition.  never having been pregnant or given birth, I wouldn't know.  but it is definitely a way to get things to move that don't want to move easy.  sometimes, things just require a push.

I got up this morning, said my prayers and moved slow to get coffee started.  I had on my gym stuff, had a cup of coffee and some water and headed over to the gym.  I worked out on the machines for an hour, then came home and saw Syd off to school as I worked on Recovering man.  then I had eggs and grits for breakfast.  i wrote some more, but i was still tired, from the gym, the early hour and the binaural music i had on last night to sleep to.  i went to lay down, but couldn't get all the way under again.  i'd planned a nap, but that didn't happen.  i went to the store, got some food for later in the week and for dinner, got myself some lunch and watched a bit of TV.  i wrote quite a bit today, felt the story starting to flesh out the rest of the way.  I know now how it's going to end.  I talked to my mom, to Lonnie, to Syd.  I didn't hear from Rachel, but she still has no phone as far as i know.  I know its rough on her, i am very proud of her for holding up and out as long as she does.

i am going to lunch with Lonnie tomorrow.  I'm going to visit my parents on Thursday because my mother is having company tomorrow that I don't want to bother with.  i've still been thinking on how to make everything workable for the publishing service company.  it's going to take some doing, but i'm going to do it.  as soon as i get the plan together, i'm going to work it through.

i am going to push my ass to the gym in the morning.  some time on the treadmill, some time on weights, and some time on writing.  and we'll see what else the day brings.  it's been a cool day, i am grateful to God for that, and i'm going to lay down and take it easy for the night.

sunday thoughts

it's a good thing, to wake up on a sunday and feel okay.  cold, yes, and a bit sluggish, but feeling okay.  and that started the day in a good way and kept it going through to right now, the official ending.

i got up and prayed, but i wasn't rushing.  i got no cleaning done this weekend, got not much of what i really needed to do done, but i did what was in front of me at various times.  and i did the same today.  i had some breakfast.  i saw my brother when he stopped by.  i keep watching my new video, i'm so very happy with it.  i went to my meeting.  i went to see Rachel but she wasn't home, so i went to see my parents.  i talked to both my mom and dad, and i talked to Lonnie afterwards, and he seemed okay.  i had kfc for dinner as i didn't feel like cooking.  i paid a bunch on my credit cards.  i am currently about to shut it down so i can get to the gym in the morning.  i did a lot of writing in the Last Recovering Man.  it is going to be a good story, i can tell, and my writing is still maturing.  i can't believe i'm 48 and still 'finding my voice', such as it were.  

i saw De'Ja online today, but he said nothing, though i know he got my message.  i haven't heard from Patrice.  i guess the end is the end, and when you have control of the silence you hold onto it.  its what i did so i can't help but think it's what i've taught.  who we are can become the monster in another's skin that comes around to bite us in our asses.  but whether this is true or not, i am not regretting what i've said, or how i've conducted myself.  i'm not going to be sad about saying what is in my heart, or feel bad because i have feelings.  it is going to be what it is going to be, and that's not up to me.  it never is.

i thank my God, for everything and for whatever comes tomorrow.  i am glad to be who i am today.  

visiting day, part two

well, it's saturday.  i don't know how i missed yesterday, but i did.  it wasn't a bad day, it was a pretty good day actually.  from counseling, which i felt was productive and helped me get some thoughts in a linear placement, to Rachel's visit in the afternoon, which was unexpected and pleasant except for her headache.  but i didn't write, and i am writing now to put a bookmark in my day so i make sure i catch up tonight.

today is 'visit Heather in the county jail' day.  i received a call saying i was on the list, so i'm going.  i have only support in recovery to offer, but that issue is coming up quite a bit lately and i am trying to be a recovering addict as i'm supposed to be, as i was taught to be.  i'll do a full rundown later, once i get myself back here and settled.  but for now, that's the haps, other than a new ad i just finished editing that Rachel did the filming for yesterday night.

...continued...

well, the visit went okay, i suppose.  the visiting area of the youngstown jail is a dismal, ugly and hopeless place.  it is foul, there is a smell that combines sickness and sorrow, it's an underneath smell but its always there.  there's rust and water damage from poor plumbing, i imagine.  i sat in water in my chair during my visit.  the lockers when you have to keep your keys and valuables are all broken, well, most of them anyway.  but the saddest part of it to me, sadder even than Heather looking very much at home behind safety glass and in orange jail clothes, were the friends and family for whom the visit is completely normal. they congregate outside the jail and they talk to the people inside who look down upon them.  they come as if it is an event, as if it is just one more scene from one more movie that someone has to be filming.  the lingerers are all black, or poor poor white.  but who else would be coming so often they are a part of the ritual?  men, women and children.  i'm surprised people don't have parking lot parties outside the jail.  though i'm sure it would be some kind of illegal, it is the atmosphere when you walk out from visiting.

a guy gave me a quarter because i forgot about the pay to lock up non-lethal item thing.  i went to see Heather.  she cried, i didn't.  she said she had fractured her skull somewhere along the way.  i'm fairly certain its from the last time i heard from her, when she was supposed to have been in a car accident.  she is missing teeth on the left side.  she looks like someone has broken her, but i don't subscribe much to that reality.  i reiterated the same things to her:  i will visit to help her with her sobriety, i will support that, but i have to come to term with any friendship down the line.  i forgive her, i've let her off the hook, but i don't trust her right now.  and that i want her to get an AA big book, to start reading and identifying, to start writing on her life insanity so we can take a look at step 2.  she's going to be in til november, and then she goes to a treatment center.  but that's like saying she's going to go from the refrigerator into a marinade to season until she uses again.  and i am praying that I can help her find real recovery before they get their hooks into her spirit.  i told her to start going to the AA meeting there.  she said she would, we'll see.

funny thing is, she's the second person i had that conversation with.  the first one was miss SL, from the recovery coach classes.  she's been all fucked up, has consequences and is trying to get her shit together.  i am making suggestions to her as well, but i know i have to be mindful right now.  addicts are sneaky, we keep our own agenda and honesty does not come easy or last long with us.  so i hope they both follow some simple directions and take some appropriate action.

that's it for me for now.  i'm grateful to my Father in heaven for this day, and i'll be moving toward some better action myself.

contemplative...

when a day is surprisingly humid, and you have things you have to get done, you move carefully.  especially if you are miserable trying to sleep the night before and have no desire to die any faster than you have to.

i was without relief for most of the night.  my room was a fury of heat, made worse by the break in the humidity of last week.  and though i predicted the heatwave was not done with us, i was not prepared.  i was miserable, in short.  eventually, i had to open my door and position my fan in the cracked doorway to bring cooler air in.  at some point after that, i got a savage leg cramp, in my right calf, that destroyed another segment of sleep.  a drink of milk eased it up (i still don't know that alchemy, but it does work most of the time) and by that point it was almost time to get up.  so my ass was on the ground today.  but i got up, prayed, saw Syd off to school, took meds, insulin and i had breakfast.  omelet and grits.  i decided the grass would be cut.  they'd predicted rain tuesday and thursday, and with the burgeoning heat i figured we'd get it today, but it looked like a later in the day thing.  so i went to get gas in the car and the can, and i came home, got the house closed up and the air back on and i cut the grass.  it took me about an hour and a half, and i took as many breaks as i had to, which were not counted because it was often.  because the heat was bearing down on me as i cut the back, and i try to do the worst first so i can have an easier cut to finish.  but i got it done, and i was worn out, dehydrated and trembling.  i guess it was a good exchange for a morning walk, though it would have been cooler had i just gone walking.

anyway, i laid about, tried to get a grip on when i'd be picking my dad up tomorrow, which was all happening through my mom, and i had lunch, taco salad, and a piece of peanut butter pie.  i took a bath after, and i laid down for a bit again.  Syd came in from school, got the trash taken out to the curb, and went on her way as she has no school tomorrow.  i had talked to Rachel in the morning, but she's using her daughter's phone and i know i won't hear from her this evening.  i had leftovers from monday for dinner tonight, chicken and ribs, and cabbage and mac and cheese.  i had graham crackers and orange slices for dessert.  i'm going to take my last dose of insulin and medicine and then i'm done for the day.

my dad has a ride home tomorrow, so i don't have to worry about him.  i am hoping Rachel calls in the morning, as i would like to get her here for a visit.  i talked to Lonnie briefly, but he was not available most of the day and i worry about him still.  i've not made a decision on how to proceed on the publishing yet, as some prayer is required and the actions must be decisive, well thought out and precise.  i feel okay now, have coffee ready to go, am looking forward to counseling and need to get some credit card bills paid and some paperwork filled out and mailed off.

i have been thinking about the artifice of the world now.  everything is designed for a desired affect to be produced by what a person sees or hears or experiences physically.  the longer i'm alive, the more obvious the programming becomes.  i think, what i need to figure out, is how to utilize this to my advantage when it comes to getting my business started.  i can't think of anything else that it has a value for.  but blindness being a condition people accept and willfully indulge in is frightening.  and maybe the scariest part of it is remembering when i was willfully blind, and how easy it was to remain so.  ignorance may not be real bliss, but the placebo effect it produces is one hell of a drug.  i am grateful for the un-blindness.  i am grateful for the stamina to cut my grass.  the days are coming where that won't be the case.  should tomorrow come, we'll deal with what comes with it.

...stride...

moved in a good way today.  i'm happy enough, and i imagine that's what's really important.

i got up, said prayers, and got my ass out of the bed.  i got into shorts and a tee shirt and shoes and was out the door after coffee and water, by about 25 to six.  i worked out close to an hour, just weights today, and i came home.  saw Syd off to school, had breakfast, did some writing, edited some tracks, remembered to take my meds and insulin and got myself moving toward the noon meeting.  the meeting was good, Step 2 today (came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity).  i was going to go to my mom's house but someone was there i don't deal with so i told her i'd stop by tomorrow.  went to Aldi's to get stuff for taco salad, got some eggs (.69 cent a dozen, couldn't pass up) and milk also.  went to Mel's Kitchen for lunch, god a sandwich and fries to go.  got home just before Syd, gave her the fries to take with her.  watched a little tv, tried to nap but it was way too hot in my room to get comfortable (still is), did a bit of writing, played some games on the computer, talked to Lonnie, got my taco stuff done, cut a finger while i was shredding cheese (washed and peroxided it, band-aid) and i ate, washed dishes, worked on Recovering Man some more.  i'm on my bed, trying to decide if i want to watch a movie or just laze about.  but Jehovah has been good to me today, and i'm very grateful and blessed.

Price Check!

man, what a weird day.  it started weird, its going to end weird, and it's hot as a motherfucker again.  but that's summer for you.

i got up and said my prayers and went right back to sleep.  i was exhausted over the past two days, but i'm sure it was physiological/subconscious rebellion against re-establishing a healthy order in my day to day, like getting to the gym, which i did not do.  i had breakfast, Syd was late to school, i paid my primary bills and saw my automatic payments had all come out.  i cleaned the kitchen, ran the water to make sure the sink wasn't clogged any longer and i did some writing.  i remembered to check my email and, sure enough, the guy from City Printing had emailed me finally with his estimate.  essentially, for 50 it would be just over 1,000 dollars, and for 100 it would be about 1700.  after my mind settled down, i did the math and came to the conclusion that while those are likely fair-market prices, i may not be able to work with them from the start.  each project would have to come under a likely consideration.  which means, without a beginning balance of ready capital the price would immediately be shunted to the client.  and the markup for retail would put the books into an almost 'unpurchaseable' range, without some major league promotion.  so i talked it over with Lonnie and thought about some options.  my first option is, no matter what, starting with the pre-sales of Old Lazarus, and figuring what my profit margin would be depending upon how many pre-sales i can get.  the next one is to find someone who is more affordable as far as printing, and i've made inquiries through the internet to places in New Castle and Akron and looked at some in Cleveland.  i'm also thinking about a Kickstarter or a Go Fund Me type setup, but that's down the line, as i'm not looking for anyone to just give me money, i'm willing to take on investors but that's with the notion that they would be repaid and i would be the sole proprietor of Z-Phyles Publishing.  so i have to get serious now.  this was the information i was waiting for and having it means it's time to do something with it.
i took my dad to Richfield for a UMADAOP conference.  he is getting more forgetful, a bit more unsure of himself, but he is still my dad and a good father.  we talked, he expressed sadness over not being able to help me more through his contacts.  i told him that i was thankful because much of who i am today is due to his instruction and i like who i am today.  i have to figure what i need to say to DeJa.  Rachel was right.  i can't expect him, as a much younger man, to understand the notion of 'propriety' in checking in or staying in touch.  maybe i can't expect that of anyone.  but it really is shit or get off the pot.  either let him know and give him one chance to respond or just stop talking about it and him.  the day is done.  i am tired, but it is very hot in my room.  i am grateful for awareness, grateful for my senses to register accurately on a human level, and grateful for each breath.  thank you, Father, and good night.

back to life

i'm weary, and feeling as if i might nod off at any point.  nonetheless, i want to get this down, because the discipline has been really MIA once again and it's time to get my shit together.  i can't keep doing this roller coaster ride of 'good balance/no balance', but it seems those are my favorite dance steps.  oh well...
i was tired all day, i slept after i took my bath and journaled last night, but it was a varied-level sleep and i woke up sluggish and dragging.  i said prayers and got breakfast and took meds and insulin and got back on my cooking.  i finished up everything just before 11, informed everyone that we'd be eating about 2 and took a quick shower to rinse off the smoke.  i went to pick up Rachel @ 1 and Syd and Joe were about ten minutes behind us.  my brother came around two, and he did the prayer and we ate.  my brother left first, and then Syd and Joe left.  Rachel and i watched a couple of movies, ate some dessert and i took her home.  we ended on a slightly sour note, likely just be being tired, but i had and have no problem with anything i'm recollecting at this moment.  sent both my brother and Rachel home with food.  i am going to the gym tomorrow.  i'm going to try to get the grass cut tomorrow.  i'm going to take my dad to Akron tomorrow. i've got bills to get paid tomorrow.  and i'm going to talk to Harry tomorrow.  now i'm done, no insights, just thankful to Jehovah for a peaceful day.  good night.

preparation

this has been a good day, and i am grateful for that.  it was a needed day, without incident, without alarm.

i got up slow, said my prayers and got it started again.  i had already decided i wasn't going to the meeting and i did not.  i had breakfast, took my meds and things and got started on my prep work for tomorrow.  i got macaroni cooked, got eggs boiled and potatoes boiled, put together my potato salad and got started on my green beans.  i had gone to the post office, because i had a letter to mail, but i had forgotten once again that you can no longer buy a single stamp from a dispenser at the post office on a weekend.  more on the letter later.

i saw my brother, went to visit my parents, sat with them both and talked for a while, and came home to get back to prep.  i'd started green beans but turned them off to go see my parents.  Rachel's phone was off, and i hadn't really figured on speaking to her until later but she called from her daughter's phone while i was visiting my parents.  i told her i was going to stop by when i left my parents and she asked if i could come about an  hour later than i'd said, which was fine.  i went home, turned on the green beans again and she called and said i could come then if i wanted to.  so i turned them off again and went to pick her up.  i took the keyboard i'd just gotten for her youngest daughter as it is not what i need it to be and i'd rather someone have it who can use and benefit from it.

i picked up Rachel and we hung out.  she helped me with the peanut butter pies and she made the crumble topping for the apple pies.  we had LJS for dinner as i hadn't been expecting company and didn't have anything to cook for her ready.  then we watched a movie, played with her virtual reality viewer for her phone and i took her home.  i just got back in, have run my bath, checked the mac and cheese in the crock pot (7 cheeses, damn...) and am ready to shut down.  i've cleaned the grill, i've got a clog in my kitchen sink i'm going to deal with in the morning.  i am going to get up early, get my cabbage done, get my grill heated and cook my ribs and chicken and make my sauce before i go pick up Rachel at one and we eat at three.  it should be a good time, relaxing and cool.  i don't know if Lonnie and company will come by, but they do know they are welcome.

the letter... again, the title has a lot to do with more than the initial recitation.  I went to see Heather yesterday.  i had prayed, i'd let it run through my mind and i followed through on my decision.  i'd never written her back to confirm it as she had said she hoped to see me saturday and gave me a time and i'd assumed i was on her list.  i was not.  i got there about a quarter to three, told the guard who i was there to see and what my name was and he didn't have me so i turned around and came back home and got back to work.  i decided i would write her a letter since i hadn't gotten to see her.  i told her that i forgive her and that she was off the hook as far as i was concerned.  i also told her that i didn't really feel she was my friend.  i explained that i didn't trust her to have my best interest at heart, as she didn't even have her own best interest at heart.  i told her i could try to help her with recovery, if that is what she wanted and if she was doing the meetings that they have at the city jail.  but that was all i was able to do.  i was clear, i didn't speak of friendship or love.  and i told her i'd come again this saturday and if i couldn't get in i would assume she didn't want me to see her.  it is all i can do.  i feel it was the answer to a prayer.  if i was supposed to see her, i would have been on the list to do so.  i wrote her because she wrote me.  i am not a cure, nor am i the solution, but i have experience that may help her if she wants to recover.  it is what the 12th step is about.  i am grateful for the day, grateful for its contents and i am going to take my bath and shave and get ready to crash.  got a few things to finish yet.

yesterday's history...

...and tomorrow's a mystery, they used to say in the Program.  i like it because it's sort of a nice way to recap.  i'm not sure how i lost the day, but lost it was and now i have to account for it and today, before i go downtown to visit Heather in county lockup.

yesterday started well enough.  i got up, took the day off because i'd been sick for a week and figured just start your thing back on monday with a good walk before you get down to the grilling.  i had breakfast, wrote in The Last Recovering Man a bit, went to counseling and had a good session.  then it was all about business until around noon.  but it was strange, maybe due to the week of the flu.\
i went to the bank to take out the money for my apartment rent as well as for the wednesday meeting rent.  having had to borrow from it, i had already planned to simply pay it from my funds and balance our books accordingly.  i contacted my landlord who now has me bring the rent to his home, as he and his father, my previous (though not first) landlord aren't getting along right now.  he told me he was in Akron, and that his wife would give me a rent receipt.  i am never a fan of leaving someone's money with a 3rd party, but i have a receipt.  before that, however, he told me that his wife was having trouble with the children and that i could just leave the rent in the mailbox and the receipt would be there.  same unease, but same consolation for me.  i did so, and i realized once i'd looked at the receipt that i'd withdrawn my OLD rent amount, from my FIRST landlord, and that was 15 short of what i owed.  however, this was in Girard, and i was extremely uncomfortable with the notion of going back on that porch, opening the mailbox, going into an envelope of money and fiddling with it to get it right in a rabidly white community.  so i texted him instead and told him of the shortfall, took responsibility for it and told him i'd compensate the balance when i finished my runs, which ended up amended to paying the rest today.  he was okay with it, and i got on with my day.  i went to Ollie's, Big Lots and Family Dollar to secure my supplies for the household.  i went to my parent's house to wash a load of clothes and to visit as i'd not been by since i got sick.  when i got there my niece, my sister's daughter, was crashed out on the couch.  my mother said their water was turned off so she'd been staying there since she worked at WalMart and could get washed before she went to work.  i revised a notion of merging my monday plans with whatever they were doing at that point.  my sister and her children annoy me.  and i don't feel like putting myself in a position where i have to endure being annoyed in order to accommodate people this weekend.
while i was at my parent's Rachel contacted me and said she'd like to go to lunch.  she said later she hadn't gotten my text cancelling lunch, but it was okay as that was more a letting her off the hook thing than not wanting to go to lunch with her. we went to Papa's in Campbell and had strange food that wasn't as satisfying as we'd have liked, but the company was good and the wings were above great as always from Papa's.  we went to a yard sale in Campbell and i got her a leather jacket someone was selling for a dollar, with a belt and one belt loop missing and a bit of wear.  i also got her a teddy bear which i promptly named Murph.  she seemed happy enough with them.  i dropped her off, she kissed my cheek as i may still be contagious, and i came home.
i rested, cleaned my kitchen, meditated on my dinner for monday and worked on my song.  i got to bed early enough.  my meds had come in and i got them sorted and put into my bag.  it was a good day, with a good ending and only lunch to spoil the feng shui of it all.

today i got up and said prayers, went in the kitchen, made coffee and put sausages in the oven.  my brother came by and i talked with him for a bit.  after he left i made eggs and toast to go with my breakfast and made out my list for the store, to get stuff for Monday.  i went to Aldi's, Sav-a-Lot and Giant Eagle, and didn't spend as much as i thought I might and got everything i wanted.  i've decided i'm not going to my meeting tomorrow, i've prepped chicken for the grill and apples for pie.  i'm going to put ribs in a dry rub and in a bag to marinate until monday's grilling.  i have potatoes to peel, probably make potato salad tomorrow.  i'm going to chop cabbage and bag it as well as the aromatics to go with it so all that stuff is ready to go.  it won't be a lot of people or an abundance of food, but it's going to be a good eating day.

now it's 2:04.  visiting for Heather is at 3.  i am not nervous, i'm just trying not to be angry.  i can do nothing for her, but whatever Jehovah would have me do is what I do.  it's sort of a culmination of what has been going on in my life lately.  there are seasons for everything.  the day i got Heather's letter is the day that I 'spoke' to Tracy on Facebook.  her withdrawal so she wasn't dependent upon me.  her statement of 'i still love you with all my heart', and my lack of a reply anywhere near that level.  i have committed myself to having Rachel in my life, and for better or worse, i'm going to honor that without a safety net.  its new, and its scary, but i realize i don't want to keep doing the perhaps bullshit.  if it doesn't work out, there's a stranger out there somewhere who holds my heart.  it's not behind me, i know that much.  i have an obligation to Heather as a recovering addict has to anyone seeking recovery.  and if she's not seeking recovery, then there's not really all that much more i can say.  but i'm going to get my prayers in place and get ready to do this.  i'll write about it tomorrow.  thank you, Father, for the strength to recover and love.

slow convalescence

well, so as not to miss any more days, i'm doing this very early.  doing quite a few things very early today, guess it's how it needs to go.  i'll live,

anyway.  i got up today, feeling some better.  the cough was bringing up some stuff, which is always a good sign.  i got rolling, with a 630 call from Lonnie and Syd telling me she couldn't go to school because she couldn't reach Jo and he was washing her school shirts.  so she went to school and i got off the phone with Lonnie and i went into the living room to put on coffee because I hadn't got a pot ready to go the night before.  while i was waiting for it, i said my prayer because i came out of my sleep to activity and had forgotten to hit my knees.  then i took my meds, had insulin and breakfast, ham and cheese and onion and pepper omelet.  i did nothing, as planned.  my dad called, but i didn't answer and tried to call him to let him know whatever it was i'd get it tomorrow, but i couldn't reach him.  calls kept coming, strangely.  one guy that i'd helped with Steps but i called him back and told him i'd catch him tomorrow and asked him if he was still sober.  i laid in bed, i nodded in and out and tried to figure if i was going to do the Labor Day thing.  or AM going to do, actually, haven't decided yet.

i ordered from pizza hut for lunch, sad to find out that getting the same thing from pizza hut singularly or from Papa's and Uptown consecutively was a mistake, quality-wise more than pricewise, but still.  i have worked on nothing, watched a lot of television, did some writing on 'the last recovering man', am thinking of a poem that i need to write for someone at the gym and on going to the gym tomorrow.  i feel better.  my head is still thick but it's not quite as thick as it had been.  so, i'm going to rest, see what the morning brings, do counseling at least, and i'll know what i'm going to do for monday by the time i get out of counseling.  bills and rent to pay, supplies to get, gonna be a busy, money-leaking day.