past blasted

sometimes, life just moves you to where you need to be at a particular moment.  when it happens, you're usually not expecting it, and it's only in hindsight that you see just how amazing this thing can be.  if you choose not to believe in anything bigger than yourself, you may just chalk it up to the random nature of all things, or coincidence.  I personally believe that God does for me what I cannot do for myself, at all times, in all ways,and I am extremely grateful for that.
i saw an old friend yesterday.  her name is L (not giving last names without permission and i didn't ask for hers) and we got back to the first grade.  i have communicated with her on facebook briefly, but i hadn't sought to run into her.  mostly because i've not sought to run into too much of anyone.
i'm going to cut this short tonight, because my internet is fucking up pretty badly.  i saved the original content of this post up to a point, and i'll do it along with tomorrows at the same time.  til then, good night and patience, explanations are forthcoming.

faith or compliance?

the days are short now, darkness comes in like a bully and stays like an unwanted guest.  but it's winter in Youngstown.  such as that is.  it's been cold the past few days, and that's coming off a Thanksgiving that was about 60 plus degrees.  i'm surprised the flu hasn't beaten me to the ground yet.  but i feel good.  i am alone, i am pensive, i am eating sweets that are all going in the trash in the morning (except my anniversary cake), but i'm good.
today i went to both the Kingdom Hall and my 12 step meeting.  i didn't actually have to force myself to do either, but it wasn't a smooth transition either.  because my sugar's been good, i can feel the voice of my adult saboteur trying to convince me that i'm doing better than i am.  i anticipated a derailment at thanksgiving, and to be honest i even figured that i'd be eating poorly for a few days after.  but that's the end of the story.  in the morning, the pies and cakes go into the trash.  the trash goes to the dumpster and i get to the gym and start building up again.
i saw R on friday, and no more.  i am sad behind that, but i'm okay.  to have a day, several hours, conversation and food and movies and kisses and closeness, that's worth the absence.  but only to some degree.  i still need time with her.  want, maybe, is the better term.  need means i will suffer adverse consequences if i don't have time with her.  want means i can live my life and if she is available it's a nice bonus.  i know the difference today.  just like i know how to get this written and get back to my netflix for the evening.
i guess i want to keep moving in a good direction.  i know my days are shorter, as everyone alive can honestly say.  but when you can feel it, when life seems like the uphill climb is growing steeper, it makes you think.  27 years clean.  i'm two days into my 28th year.  i never really thought i'd be alive at 47 years old.  but that just goes to show the real lesson of Job: ''Where were you when I created the earth?"  that's the deal.  accept that you're not God and that there is one.  accept that God's will does not need your approval, only your compliance.  and accept that trying to usurp God's authority has bad consequences for everyone involved.
i spoke to my mom today.  she sounds better.  i did speak to R today.  wish she was here now.  but i'm going to the gym, and i'm going to write, and i'm going to finish my clothes and make me some fish for dinner.  so, you know, when i see her, i'll see her.  until then, my heart still holds her at its center, and that's good enough for me.  thank you, Jehovah, for reminding me what Job had to be reminded of.

cruisin'

this has been a pretty slow day, and i'm appreciative of that.  i essentially did nothing today, but i did it constructively and have no complaints about that, after the days that have gone past.  the only part i didn't like was how R's day got sidelined and i didn't get to see her, but even still, i had a day of peace and that's worth a lot.
i slept well, woke up and got started in the usual ways.  as R and i had planned on spending time today, i was doing the things i had to do, but not pushing for any quick changes, because three movies take a long time to watch.  sugars were good, took meds and had breakfast after prayer and i wrote a bit.  i crashed often, or laid down, and eventually i jumped in the tub and took my bath.  i went to the library in the afternoon to find some books and pick up the dvd's i'd put holds on.  i got home and did my prep for our dinner and went to the store to get some things needed.  when the hour got a bit late i figured it wasn't going to happen so i just made the dinner stuff and ate and wrote and watched some more television.  i saw my brother and my dad, i got out the house, i shaved my head and face, i've read, i've written, i've eaten well enough and i'm about to lock my front door and shut it down for the night.  i'm planning on going to the Hall and to the meeting tomorrow, so rest is a must.  i'm grateful, and my only true wisdom today is that an absence of things is also an absence of bad things, so that's good.  good night, and peace and blessings from above.

sub-orbitals

today is my anniversary.  it is the first day of my twenty-eighth year sober, which means i've just completed twenty-seven years clean.  it is a blessing, but it is not a grand thing, except for the short lifespan of the average cocaine/crack addict.  we don't stay around forever, and more and more often, addicts are finding new and creative ways to die.  i am blessed in so many ways.  i am blessed to have gotten sober in 1988.  as opposed to these days, in this decade, in this millennium, when i don't think it's possible to find anyone to give you the principles of recovery that can truly help you stay focused on change and service and love.  i am blessed in that i have so much, an abundance, that has come to my through my God since i got clean.  things that i never even knew were important to me, my children, my family relationships, my writing, my poetry, my thoughts, my intelligence and the wisdom that time is creating from that intelligence plus experience.  i am blessed because i am able to see me and like what i see.  i just had a mess on my kitchen floor.  putting a bottle of water back in (yes, i fill up from the tap and put the bottle in to get cold, like the old days and old ways proscribe) and something knocked over a bottle of flavored creamer which fell into a container full of roast beef and spilled them both to the floor.  almost instantly i went to 'dammitdammitDAMMIT!' and being angry and frustrated, but i quickly got to 'that's why they're called accidents' and cleaned it up.  now, i don't think that's a big deal for most people, but i do have that mentality that things happen and sometimes things make things happen.  this particular time, i just feel like i had something not balanced right and therefore i lost a lid to a creamer that i like and a container that was useful, as the blow from the bottle split the container.  and i have coffee and i have cold water and i'm writing.
so, we begin a journey around the sun again.  a sub-orbit, if you will.  and the original orbit has not been lost, this is an enhancement to the original orbit, as well as the orbit that was in need of enhancing.  life is like that.  there are ellipses that constitute time, not straight lines and not circles.  it wobbles, and it flows, and it halts jerkily and it sometimes swoops and sometimes it crashes and spills its contents and sometimes the mess gets cleaned up and sometimes it doesn't.  but it always goes round, comes round and ends up somewhere with some experience attached to it, if i can dig the lesson.  and that's the beauty of it all.

languor lounge

i should have started this a long time ago today.  i am full and sleepy.  but i've still been pretty responsible with my eating and my health today.  you know when change comes because you try to make your exceptions less exceptional, i guess.
i got up early, went for my walk after my prayer and my medication.  i came back home and took my insulin, had some eggs and toast and started back to my cooking from the night before.  i worked slowly, got progress made and drank lots of coffee.  i got no writing done today, sad to say, because my brain felt fertile.  my family and i had dinner around one, and everyone who came seemed happy.  lots of food, lots of sweet potato pie and lots of music and laughs.  i hung out with De'ja and Syd for a bit, and by evening my energy and mojo were exhausted and i had to put it down for a bit.  i'm up and around now, feeling okay, maybe a touch of a cold coming on.  thinking about R, and where to put these leftovers, the eternal big dinner conundrum in a small apartment.  nothing more to add, hope sleep is a sweet journey for me tonight.  thank you, Jehovah.

boiling point

its wednesday morning, and i'm in a slow burn.

i've been here since yesterday, and i've been building up to this all week, for the most part.
i did sleep okay, and i got my prayers in this morning.  i was still feeling the residuals from yesterday when my child, despite me telling her i needed her help at a specific moment, decided to play rescue ranger in someone else's life.  i don't know the validity of this young man being in a bad situation or not.  i'm not really angry about her helping anyone.  i am, however, livid about the disregard and the constant having to do things myself.  and as i write this, which is the most beneficial part about journaling, i see that this is the old attitude creeping in on me again.  i do nothing by myself; i take on things that many won't take on and i get frustrated with people due to my expectations and my temperament.  but the truth is, i do what i do because it's what i've been taught to do.  and apples fall from apple trees.  so, here we go, i feel deflated now, and i think i can do this day without growling too much.  and i owe that to my child, and my God, and my friends and family.  the steps are amazing when they are applied.

it's kind of funny.  the cooking didn't keep me up all night.  the anger did.  i slept anyway.  listened to the ocean on youtube and drifted off peaceful like.  and when i got up, it was like i just threw my boat right back on the rocks.  i did my part.  i did more than has been done for me.  i called the boy's mother and left a message that he was here because no one answered the phone.  when Syd split at the beginning of the school year no one paid me that courtesy.  and maybe this is what is best.  it certainly is what is going on right now, so there's something for me to learn in it.

i'm heating up things to put them in a thermal carry case A gave me.  i've got to go to the store to get the anniversary cake.  i've got to get ice and gas along the way.  and i've got to get salad dressing for the salad.  i don't even think i'm going to eat, and if i didn't need my serving spoons and containers i wouldn't even stay, as i have a lot of cooking to do today.  but the majority of my prep is done, and the meats are marinated and will be at room temperature this afternoon.  nothing to do but put things together, bake and cook and wait for tomorrow to pretend that Natives and Pilgrims were best of friends (sarcasm).

i am not angry now.  i owe no apologies, as i've done nothing wrong.  but i owe myself an amend, and i think i can see where the self-sabotage has been coming in this month.  i don't have to do everything, i don't have to try to show people who won't see anything, and i don't have to try to describe beauty to blind people.  all i have to do is be grateful i am not blind and appreciate the beauty that i see everyday.  and isn't that enough?

i got to see R briefly yesterday.  sweet center in a very filling dish.  that's it for now, i've got to roll.

...its wednesday night, and my burn is extinguished.
reality is what it is.  you can't alter it, through denial or bargaining.  you can't reshape it with words, you can only make some people buy into your nonsense.  truth is, ultimately, subjective, because it requires a plethora of minds to translate it, but it is not one dimensional.
i am not angry now because i realize i was being set up.  my disease, which i know to be a sentient force, used my anger to take me where i'd closed the door to outright depression.  and even at almost 27 years, i almost fell for it.
the anniversary meeting was exactly what it always is.  people who don't come to the meeting came because there was food to be found.  not many this time, but enough.  and people who chose to share were of a 'i need to control perception about myself', not from the honesty that could change one's life for the better or allow one to be seen more clearly.  it is over though, and my son is here, and Syd only pissed me off once, and my food is coming along well.  that's the deal.  you do things to the best of your ability.  if you pray for sight, you need to prepare to see things.  and you learn to respond, because blind reactions lead to blind reactions.  and when things come together, they are wonderful despite all the pain you go through to get there.  i've got to do my ham and mashed potatoes tomorrow morning, and make my cake frosting, so it's curtains for the waking world.  grateful, thankful and blessed to be sober today, thank you Father.  hasta manana.

...above and beyond...

...there's no other way to put this than the title up there.  i'm exhausted already, and its far too early for such weariness.  i am so grateful, however, because i have not been submerged in depression this year, so far, and that is a wonderful thing to not be.  but the anger is a simmering pot, and there's nothing in it, which makes the question of why is it still on the fire pretty relevant.
i started the day early, didn't sleep too deeply to be honest.  i got up and got started with prayer and coffee.  the dishes weren't put away as i asked Syd to do when she got in last night so i woke her up early to put them away.  this particular dog and pony show, though i know it's part and parcel for parenting a teenager, is really boringly mind-numbingly stupid.  but it is what has to be done.  i got her off to school to catch her bus and i went to the gym.  i set the machine for 50 minutes and varied time and elevation until i was at ten minutes short of an hour walking 2.15 miles.  but i'm paying for it.  feet hurt, legs are weary, its a good challenge but it is not something to take lightly.  i did the gym before taking Syd to school.  after taking her i went to walmart to start picking up supplies for tomorrow's anniversary meeting.  i went to four stores getting things that are needed.
okay, so i am making more coffee.  it's about 230, or 1430 in naval time.  i have got the greens almost cleaned, which means i have to get the turkey and water coming into a broth to start them cooking, and i have to get some containers together to package up things to take to the meeting tomorrow.  the hardest thing for the anniversary lunch will be the cheddar hash brown casserole.  the hardest thing for thursday will be my father.  i don't mind necessarily cooking for him.  i just mind him not really getting that i'm trying to show him i'm different than the child that he remembers.  but sometimes, you do enough damage to a person that a lifetime isn't enough for them to forget the pain you've caused them.  and, i guess, by proxy my mother' pain upon him belongs to my siblings and myself as well.  but he has a choice.  he will come by and enjoy himself.  he will maybe rest and sit back and eat some pie and some cake and watch whatever game is on the tube and chill.  or he may just eat and then go to his next destination.  either way, i am ready to start burning in the kitchen.  not, like, making bad food, more like doing amazing things in exciting ways.
R has my bowls.  i love her, but i want my bowls back.

flight path restoration

starting this early, because that's how you get shit done.  the day has started well enough.  had coffee brought to me by Syd.  why do nice gestures from my child immediately put me on the defensive?  because i'm not a fool, that's why.  said my prayer, had my coffee, got up and did some writing, took Syd to her bus and went to the gym.  still feeling a twinge of gout, so decided on weights rather than the treadmill, i can do that tomorrow.  came home, had breakfast, sausage patty, two eggs and grits.  ready to go to the store to get the stuff for thanksgiving.  decided i'm going to get my stuff first, meeting stuff tomorrow, and cook the meeting stuff between tomorrow evening and finish up on wednesday morning.  that way it'll be fresh to go.  i am getting into my cooking groove, found a nice Funkadelic long play on youtube that's gonna run for the next four to five days.  mood music.
i am still pondering that phenomenon culture that i spoke of last week.  i watch as things are changing quicker now.  wall street don't know exactly what is paying, what is bankable, so they're endorsing way too many opposing personas, and people are getting fairly schizophrenic trying to keep up.  should keep the shrinks and the pharmaceuticals happy.  but it's going to be hell to pay when it all comes to a head.  if there's a solution to find and enact, it's going to have to be done sooner than a year.  i'm going to go deeper into this in the afternoon, but i got to get dressed again and hit the stores.  time to put this shit in motion.
just back in from the store, first run out of the way.  got my stuff for thanksgiving.  still got to get the stuff for the meeting on wednesday, but i'm following a more sensible script.  i'm going to clean greens, get my turkey dry brined, my roast marinating and my fridge cleaned out to accommodate things.  i'm going to get prep done, then go put the ethernet cable on my mom's computer to get the wifi running, and while i'm doing that i'll figure out lunch, cause i'm getting hungry.  i think i'm going to put on some coffee, as i could use a quick jolt.  i'm going to attempt a mocha icing for my chocolate cake.  that's going to be fun.
i am glad to be moving about again.  it's kind of interesting, perspective wise.  I leave the house, purchase my stuff and i've got maybe enough cash left to squeeze through the month.  got my phone bill to pay, and that's pretty much it.  but then you start to see the blessings when you look again.  a family gathering.  the anniversary lunch is going to go well and then i'll be shut of the organizing shit for unwilling and ungrateful people.  i've got things moving at a pace where it can be fun rather than a chore to cook.  and i feel relatively good.  a person i know died friday. her name was Norene, and i didn't like her very much  at the end, though she was almost a friend once.  she came into my life through meetings, and she helped the sunday meeting get the books we needed.  then she relapsed again, and she was gone.  she came back into my life, high and hustling, and i tried to help her, and for that effort she stole my bag and my medicine one day while i was, ironically, suffering a gout attack.  now, i am not unrealistic when it comes to sentiment, though i am a sentimentalist in many ways.  i try to help people, not just because i'm a recovering addict, but because i believe its the right thing to do.  everyone you help is not going to appreciate it, and i can accept that.  but someone who preys on someone being kind to them...that sort of grates against the grain for me.  when so many people could give a shit less about someone, or ANYONE's suffering, it makes it a very wrong thing to take that particular kindness for weakness.  i'm not glad she's dead.  i'm just not sad about it.  i'm sad for her children, whom i met and thought highly of and thought they deserved a better mother, but those kinds of judgments rob serenity.  i'm sorry for her mother, who was a nice woman and deserved better, but same as before.  but addicts die stupidly and badly every day.  and in the end, those of us who are left just take them into the meetings and use them to help some stay sober, because that's what we mean when we say, 'thank God for those who've died so that some of us may have another day sober'.  it's balance, but it's fucked up.
i'm still off-center today, but at least i'm moving, and that's an improvement and it feels good.  i've been doing prep all afternoon for the most part.  i've got a turkey that is just swimming in wonderfulness, wrapped and marinating in the fridge, and i'm about to have two beef roasts getting a similar treatment.  i've got peppers cut up, i've got celery already diced, i've got breadcrumbs waiting to turn into dressing.  i'm on task, on point and been listening to the funk most of the day.  i daresay, this is what i enjoy, it's like a counterbalance to the November blues to me.
when i first got clean, it was in November.  i remember being at my parents house, feeling as if the world had just gone down the toilet, which i guess it had.  but the food was so restorative, even though it was sort of already in leftover status.  i'd been subsisting on stale popcorn, candy bars (when i could scrounge up a quarter) old hot dogs from the convenience store across the street from the projects where i was holed up at, and what i could at times find in garbage cans.  i don't think of that shamefully.  i didn't go as far down as many do; i went far enough that i don't want to go there again.  but being home, eating real food, sleeping on a couch in the basement, waking warm, it was just something very...clean, i guess, about it all.  and now, when i do cook for the so-called holiday, i feel as if perhaps i'm extending someone else's life, the way mine began to extend past my expiration date that thanksgiving in 1988.  i've actually gone back and checked, because time is so soft and malleable nowadays.  sometimes it seems like its barely passed and sometimes it seems as if its been forever and ever.  but the memory still aligns.  came home on thanksgiving night in 1988, which was the 24th, and i hung with my brother over that weekend, the 25th and 26th, and on the 27th i was on my way to treatment.  i've been doing this almost three fifths of my life.  maybe that's what makes it so hard to just turn my mind over to the illusions and nonsense of this world; i've seen too much so far.
i'm going to shut this down, get my ass to sleep and start again.  i am feeling good.  that is by God's grace and the benefit of several good days at a time strung together.  let's fly.

rest day

you know, its hard to fly this damn thing when my foot feels like someone is trying to saw through it, from the sole up, with a very dull but persistent hack saw.  it is a terrible chore, trying to focus and write.  i pushed things so hard yesterday that i was really fucked up overnight.  i rested it quite a bit longer today, and it feels much better.  maybe i can still hit the gym tomorrow.  it's on the agenda.

so, combo.  last one too, because i take this as a sign the discipline has slipped further than i want to admit.  i didn't really do a damn thing yesterday.  i did finish cleaning in the living room.  i got no other shopping done.  i got no other cleaning done.  i mostly limped about.  Tina came over and got me lunch and visited for awhile.  that was cool.  i am learning to keep my eyes open more than my sarcasm satchel.  having someone contact me often during my historically bad month and trying to see it as a bad thing or an inconvenience is the sign of being an idiot and an asshole.  i am trying to do better than that.  i drank water, took ibuprofen, ate and rested, and i talked to R a couple of times before i shut it down.
today i got up earlier than i should have and talked to Tina before i got my day started.  i prayed, wrote and ate.  i decided early i wasn't going to the Hall or my meeting.  i was going to rest, put my foot up, and just let some better feeling come through.  good decision in retrospect.  i got some writing done, i got my shopping lists made, i got my mind made up on what's going on the menu for the anniversary meeting and what's going on my table on Thursday.  i feel better.  i have my plans laid for tomorrow but you know things turn out as they turn out, so we'll see how it goes.  i have no great wisdom to share today.  i realize that cutting corners can eventually lead to you going around in circles.  i know that the story tells itself but it does need someone to write it down.
i want to thank my counselor for the nine or so years she's been looking out for me.  it has been a rough ride, but only because my brain does not filter as much as would be good for me, and there's no way to install that filter at this stage of my life.  but she has been an anchor and i'm still here, so that tells you just how important she is to me.  i'm writing this because she should know these things, even if i can't tell her directly.  and she gave me some whole bean coffee, which is a gift of great care that anyone who knows me knows.  i'm about to shut it down so i can try to be more functional tomorrow.  i will get back on track then, that is my word to my God and myself.  good night.

a further journey

i used to actually tag these entries, so that if anyone was reading them and they were looking for something specific, they would be able to find those things quickly.  but now i just write, because if anyone is reading this stuff at all, i am happy just to have someone sharing a random thought of mine, a moment of their time, and helping me to stay honest.
i didn't write yesterday.  i am sorry about that, and i say that to toti, and to anyone who does read here, and to my god.  i am sorry because i've allowed the bullshit with the donation can linger farther than it had a right to.  i'm sorry because this orbit is about all circumstances, and being able to trace lines to where i am from where i've been and therefore to be able to plot courses with accurate information.  if i skip, if i miss, if i allow myself to break the process, then it's just one more journey of hubris, of pride, of arrogance and ego, as if to say 'i am so important that this is the only way you can possibly understand me'.  and that's not the deal at all.
so i'm going to cover yesterday, though it was pretty boring.  i just did a minimum because i'm hurting physically.  gout is flaring in my left foot, my ankle, and it makes it hard to get around.  i went to the store at one point and got stuff for stuffed peppers and cabbages, and i got lunch stuff that raised my blood sugar considerably, which i knew better than to eat that stuff anyway.  I didn't go to the gym yesterday, see aforementioned gout, and i didn't get much cleaning done, though there's still time for that.  i just thought about the missing money.  i thought about how i hate feeling as if someone can play me for stupid and get away with it.  i hate that my integrity is questionable, though i truly did not misappropriate these funds.  and for me that's an important distinction, because i have done so in the past.  not from live and active meetings.  not from situations where people were depending on those funds.  i've taken money left from a meeting closing, when people stopped coming and there was no opening the doors anymore.  and even that's not right, and even that required making amends for wrongs done to the fellowship.  which is why i've strived for bettering myself when it comes to being responsible.  because sometimes, the only amend that is available to you is to change for the better, to not be the person that you were when you had the reputation you had.  i'd owed this District of the fellowship i favor an amend for a lot of reasons, and I believe i've settled those accounts spiritually.  but that doesn't mean i'm willing to let someone undermine the efforts that we've made to instill a sense of fellowship and family back into our meetings.  i don't know.  it's kind of an issue with me, obviously.

other news, found out an acquaintance from some years ago is likely dead.  her name is Norene, and I'm naming her because if she's passed there is only the anonymity of a first name since we were in a bad place.  and if she's not, then I hope she gets her shit together.  she was my age, and she was around the meetings for a long time, maybe as long as i was in the meetings.  she was a chronic relapser, and she did heroin.  when i met her she was just getting out of jail and just getting back into life.  she started out putting down a good foundation but quickly started to deteriorate.  she was about cons and fast money, and working for a living just wasn't doing it for her.  before long, she stopped coming to meetings and not long after that came the word that she was back out getting high again.  i heard from her after that, when she was reaching in and i tried to take her hand.  evidently she thought i was going to be a landing pad for her, but that wasn't on my itinerary.  she didn't like the fact that she wasn't going to become the center of my life, but i wasn't in a position to really give much credence to that.  not long after that, she stole my bag and my meds from my car.
now, she was educational for me.  i'd never seen some of the worst effects that shooting up dope could do to a person.  she had open sores that i would coat with medicated creams.  she would come by to shower and just cry on the floor.  i can honestly say, a woman who is naked on my bedroom floor and i hold her while she cries and don't think about fucking her is a rare thing.  but that's the kind of deal it was.  and i genuinely cared about her, about her children.  so when she decided, during a gout flare up like i'm having now (maybe the universe taking me around and back through it?  crossing a previous orbit?) she comes in and pretends like she's worried while her ride robs my car...i hated her.  and i am not in the habit of personalized hate.  i hate this world, i hate what Satan has done to it.  i hate the institutions of racism and terror.  i hate hypocrisy and bullshit, Mendacity as Big Daddy would put it.  but i have not hated many people, regardless of what they may have done to me, or what i thought they'd done.  but i hated Norene for a while.  because she brought, knowingly brought, bad spirit into my home.  i had no use for her after that.  and it took me a long time to find any kind of softness in my heart toward even her name.  now she's likely dead.  and i am not feeling bad for her, but i do feel bad for her mother, who i know loved her and wanted her to get clean.  and i feel bad for her children, who just wanted a mother to be there for them.  what's done is done, though.
this gout is still killing me, but i can't worry about that.  got some cleaning to do.  got some writing to do and got some planning to do.  i'm going to write some more in this later, i'm sure, but for now, i think i need to get back to Mechanical Jesus.

character

A song someone sang once said 'what a difference a day makes. I'm vouching for that one hundred percent. But...I'm still moving.
All centered on Syd (surprise...) and her character, which is lacking.  Finding an instruction fold from a home pregnancy test when I was cutting the grass ( in one of the hedges, no less) I decided to just drag shit out to the light and, sure enough, she's been having sex, though she SAYS she's not pregnant. So that was a long talk. Then, getting ready for my meeting today, i find about 60 dollars is missing from the meeting's anniversary can. Now I'm livid all over again. Of course she denies it. But since my last official count was on the 5th and there's no one else had access, I'm not waiting for a confession.  There is a thing, i've seen it with too many people not to know or understand it, that if you don't say anything, if you don't tell, then you're not guilty.  it's a thing that defies what i know to be true, that the things a person does almost always ends up determining what they say, even if its the absence of words.  but, the thing is, she's not the only suspect.
i left the can with the guy who was supposed to be collecting since summer, two weeks ago, because i left the meeting early.  this guy came the following week saying he left the can with his wife, and wouldn't have it, but it came anyway.  so the off count could be from several people.  and its that kind of shit that makes me loathe human beings. i mean, this is money that people put in to help the group have a commemoration for everyone, for one more year of keeping the doors open for new addicts as well as for those who just need somewhere safe to be.  most meetings don't acknowledge anniversaries anymore, most meetings of my primary fellowship anyway.  we used to.  we also used to have over 40 meetings in our district.  now we have barely ten.  because of this kind of nonsense.  but we'll get it done.  and as i dropped the district treasurer position i will also drop the arranging of the anniversary meeting.  i am not my fellowship, i am also not the foundation upon which it was built.  and i don't feel like hiding shit from people, in my car, in my home.  i am not going to compromise my life for those bent on doing damage to themselves.
so i came home after i had lunch with a friend from the meeting.  i've had dinner, i've had an interesting talk with R about subject matter that most people would cringe away from.  i find it refreshing, and it feels a lot like we're back on a better track.  i didn't get in a long workout but i got to the gym and got on the machines and likely tomorrow if i can get there for the opening of the doors i'll get back on the treadmill.  i am still angry, but anger won't get things done and there's too much to do for me to keep living in negative bullshit.  i don't have a summary for the day, but i am still grateful, because i know that this is my addiction, the spirit of my addiction, my demons if you will, trying to condition my mind away from being grateful to God for my life and sobriety.  and i don't think this is the day i'm going to challenge the universe that way.  so, good night, good days, and we'll see what's on the other side of the sunrise when that time comes.

System Check

well, this is a good day.  I've learned over the years that you have to see what is in front of you before you render an assessment on just about anything.  this day has been an on point kind of day so far.  it's only four o'clock, so who knows what happens next?  but as days go, i got no complaint thus far.
started with prayer and the gym.  i got there at five-thirty and did the weight machines for forty-five minutes.  then i came home, wrote for a bit and got Syd to her bus.  i came back, had breakfast, got my mind girded up and went to my parents.  drove my parents to the CAK airport so my mom could catch her flight to Alabama by way of Atlanta.  the tension between them was a physical feeling thing, but it had nothing to do with me and i chose not to take it on.  my dad tries to be a good man regardless of how he is feeling, and my mom tries to appear to be a good person and care about my dad once he's out of earshot and other people are around.  i would rather think that perhaps that is their dynamic and they're just happy that way, but i know i'm bullshitting myself.
anyway...i got back to my apartment before noon and made myself a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup for lunch.  i laid down and fucked around on the computer, trying to convince myself not to do anything else, but my self wouldn't go for it.  so i went to the store to get some of the things i need for next thursday.  i came back from the store, put the groceries away and got busy on the lawn.
now, here's where i look at the day that is behind me, see it for what it is in a broader scope, and make the assessment that it's a good day.  i've been very apprehensive about cutting the grass.  i can say that now.  cutting the grass over the summer kicked my fucking ass.  kicked it like it was an abusive parent and i was a needy child.  i had Syd cut it when she got back from columbus, couple times, but i knew that wasn't going to do it.  'man's gotta do what a man's gotta do', and other such white foolishness.  so, i girded my mind (i like that saying, gonna have to put it into circulation) and i got started.
now, i would love for light to beam from the dark sky overhead and black doves to swoop in and coo and shit all over the street as the glorious moment of this writing took place, but it won't.
 that picture is a black dove, should anyone read this and think 'there's no such thing as a black dove'.
anyway...i cut the grass EASY!  i cut most of the back before i DECIDED to take a break for water and to call Lonnie.  and then i cut the rest of the back and started on the front before i DECIDED to take a break for a sip of water and immediately resume cutting, and then i FINISHED STRONG, not winded, sweating in the coolness of November but not laboring, heart not thudding to beat the band.  i'm not sore, not exhausted, don't need to sleep for two days.  i am GETTING BETTER!  I AM IMPROVING!  and yes, goddammit, i'm happy about that.
i checked my sugar before i had an apple as a pre-dinner snack, and it was at 100.  all i'm going to do is take my Levamir, the long acting insulin, to get me through the night, with no fast acting at all, and i'll be good.  and tomorrow morning, after Syd goes to her bus, i'll be back on the treadmill getting it in.  and that's progress.  it's not perfection.  it's not supposed to be.
i look in the mirror and i still see all this fat.  i feel it in my clothes, the weight retention.  i don't log food as i should, and i know i snack more than i should.  i hope part of this is the sideways reacting to the depression and that it passes with November.  we'll see.  but this is me getting better, and i refuse to complain about that or anything else at the moment.  i'm about to put together my dinner and i'm going to write in Mechanical Jesus some more.  and i'm going to get back to the Phenomenon Culture theory as well.  but for now, a victory, and a very welcome one too.

seeing things

good monday.
it's been good so far, anyway.  i realized something today.  i'm okay.
yeah, that's the realization.  i am okay.  i feel okay.  i have a pain in my chest, but it's not heart pain.  there are many things it could be, however, but taking a shot of baking soda alleviated most of it and I'm pretty sure i'm going to pick up some antacid tablets today.
i woke to prayer and a cup of coffee from Syd, which was nice.  I was moving slow but i was definitely aware that the pain in my chest had subsided.  i got up and checked my blood sugar, which was higher than usual lately, and as R pointed out that glucose levels were affected by baking soda for some reason, i attributed it to that.  i got Syd to her bus stop and went to the gym.  saw a friend leaving the treadmills as i was getting there.  i went with a plan in mind.  and i have to remember to thank A for her suggestions.  i set my weight and the time i wanted to walk, forty-five minutes, and the speed, which was 2.5 miles per hour.  i pre-set a playlist of long songs, around ten minutes each, so i could close my eyes through most of the walk, determine by the number of songs how long i'd been walking.  needless to say, i got through the forty-five minute walk, which meant i was at the gym forty-five minutes.  i also finished with exactly 2 miles, my heart rate maxed out at 140 and i burned almost five hundred calories.  i realized throughout that it was not necessary to challenge myself, that i could stop at the mile, or the half hour, and i would still be in a good place.  but i also realized i need to move forward.  everything is progress, and what does not progress is in the process of regression by proxy.  because what's behind me will catch up to me if i stay in the same place for too long.  i don't think that's true of everyone, but i am one of the maladjusted, working on being functional on a daily spiritual basis.
i have a few things to do today.  i have to start getting the apartment together for next week.  i won't have a lot of time for cleaning and shit next week as we've got the anniversary meeting on wednesday, thanksgiving is thursday and my own anniversary is friday.  i don't mind, though.  slow cleaning, supplies gathered and prep stuff done.  that's pretty much how it should happen as far as i'm concerned.  i'm looking forward to seeing De'ja.  I'm really just wanting to have people together, to feed and fellowship and be chilled out for a few days.
over the past week,
i've been thinking on the Phenomenon culture notion.  i was thinking how things have been gravitating toward this for a long time.  most of the best coups happen right out in the open, right in front of your eyes, because then things seem so normal you just take them for granted until they coalesce into a successful overthrow.  like, easy example right now, Ronda Rousey.  i don't really follow ufc or mma or any of that.  i don't think it's so much worse than boxing, as boxing used to be a bare-knuckle affair and often ended i'm sure in a lot of damage being inflicted.  but i think mma sports is part of the conditioning of humans toward disdain for humans again, for profit of course.  because there's no other reason for it.  and i know that boxing and every other sport in the world has undergone the same progression from a test of wills in a structured athletic event to matching paychecks for the entertainment of the unwashed masses and the profit of the super-rich.  so, ronda rousey was the flavor of the last several months.  so she was controversial and she was hyped, which is what you do to make money from someone's ability.  and she got her ass kicked saturday night.  and everyone immediately had an opinion on it.  but i don't think anyone ever stops to think that a thing can be orchestrated even if its not fixed.  the woman Rousey fought was a superior fighter.  i'm sure the people who set the match knew that.  if you have someone standing on a mountain top, people have to try to knock them off.  its just the way things are.  and Rousey stood on the mountain.  and she got knocked off.  and a lot of people made money on the fight, and a lot more people lost money on it.  and in the end, it's just more drama on social media.  but is it an example of the Phenomenon culture that has enmeshed itself into the psyche of the world today?
Muhammed Ali is considered by most to be the greatest boxer of all times.  i've been very taken lately with his derision and humiliation of Joe Frazier.  Ali was loved by just about everyone.  he was addicted, not to boxing, but to the love that he received for being Ali.  without boxing, he didn't know exactly who he was.  with boxing, he knew exactly who and what he was.  he is now a victim of his love for adulation.  and some, Frazier included, would say that karma caught up to him.  but the worship, the fame, the crowds chanting your name...how would you respond to these things?  would you just stop fighting when the time came to do so?  would you respect a person who held you in esteem if he stood between you and the restoration of your glory?  the Phenomenon culture was born in times such as that, long before internet, long before social media.  but there was media.  there were airwaves.  and those played a part in the genesis of follower behavior more so than anything Pavlov ever hypothesized.
so the day has progressed.  i've eaten lunch and dinner.  i'm stuffed more than i should be, but i'm not going to beat myself up tonight.  i am weary.  T stopped by, very sad, very down.  i can't do anything to help her, and can't even make the offer because it would be rose colored glasses.  she has painted herself into a corner and she has to find the faith to wait out the paint drying and then walk out.  at least it sounds as if she's gone to a meeting lately.  that's good to know.
tomorrow i have to go with my dad to take my mother to the airport.  i am going to try to do an early gym, just weights.  i'm going to alternate days, monday, wednesday and friday will be the treadmill and maybe light weights, but tuesday and thursday will be strength days.  i guess that should be something that i can continue to progress in.  i'm going to put some work into my thoughts about the phenomenon culture tomorrow.  my mind isn't working just right tonight, no haps on the nap.  but i feel good and won't manufacture a problem just to keep writing tonight.  so, i'm grateful to God for a peaceful day, and i'm hoping tomorrow will be progressive as well.

cult of personalities

Sunday morning.  i didn't return to the previous entry because i was in chill mode and never came out of it, apparently.  but i've set the coordinates, and adjusted the orbital path to take this a bit further out but still maintain course around the satellite, and i'm going to explore this phenomenon culture more deeply.  now is the perfect time for this.  and as everything else, i have to look at it in perspective to what is going on in my own life, otherwise its just a running of the mouth for no good reason.  knowledge has to be useful, and writing has to live beyond its entry onto paper or screens or files or whatever.  scripture that is not applicable is dead text, and a play that is outdated will not hold the interest of the audience that sees it verbatim in the future.
'Phenomenon Culture' is the conditioning of human beings that makes thought, decision and action only possible through the mass inculcation of a particular new phenomena.  i'm going to start with something i've not studied yet but since at this date it is what's going on it's a reference point for anyone who checks in on this later.  and that is the bombing in Paris this past week.
a hundred and twenty something people dead.  the entire world is posting colors of the Parisian flag in memoriam of Paris, i suppose.  and on Facebook and Tumblr, the two social media i most often frequent, the icons of people and their entries are tinged in those colors as well.  people are gathering, lighting candles, giving opinions, hating muslims, global phenomena.  pray for Paris.  i would imagine it was the same thing in 2001 when the WTC was bombed and the world watched it on television.  but...BUT.  soon enough comes the spin.  other bombings recently took more lives and they weren't posted, their flags weren't inserted, no one said to pray for them.  and the vultures circle as well, because the conditioning is so well placed now that when something happens to a country or a city, immediately there are instructions on how 'you can help' and where you can send your money to.  pay it forward.  and this is just a small part of it.  there are endless news shows that will cover this.  there are victims who didn't die who will be interviewed.  there is the redneck culture and the neocom culture that will scream for the blood of all muslims.  there is the liberal contingency that will use this as an opportunity to push their own agendas.  it will be a mental feeding frenzy of pirahna with false teeth, and blood is the only thing that will satiate them.  but it won't resolve anything for the families who lost loved ones, it won't do anything for the nightmares and the ptsd and the psychological scars of those who were there and watched people dying.  it won't even come close to addressing that.  and that is part of phenomenon culture as well.  the biggest part of it, however, is the fact that soon something else 'bad' will happen and the news will shift there.
public perception is everything now.  soon enough, two things i predict will come to pass.  i'm going to state them here, though i've spoken on them in conversations over the years because i've watched what society is becoming.  one thing is, in high profile situations, crime and punishment will be dealt with through toll-free voting for verdicts or through websites built to allow pay-per-view access and polling for how a criminal should be punished, with the results of every death penalty decision being televised or uploaded as well at a premium price.  the second is, there is coming swiftly a time when people will have a television show where, due to non-thinking people parroting the voices of those who use them as venquilotrist dummies, those who are doing life in prison, those who are on death row for extended periods of time will have the opportunity to fight to the death for a reduction of their sentencing.  the ones doing life will have a chance, if they survive, to gain their freedom, or at least be admitted to a halfway house much more comfortable but secure against re-entry into society.  the death row inmates will be able to fight to the death, thereby removing names off the tax-supported rosters, and the survivor will have his death sentence commuted to life in prison...whereupon he will then be entered by proxy into the purging of the lifers on a different show.  Phenomenon Culture.  now, think about these two things, and think whether, the world as it is now, people wouldn't tune in, people wouldn't pay to view these mass spectacles of violence and mayhem.  Ronda Rousey, the indestructible, just lost her title last night, in MMA fighting.  all the hype is just to generate money.  nevermind whether OJ did it or not, don't you think the network guys who ran coverage around the clock and watched the Neilsen numbers on viewer statistics calculated how much direct revenue they could have made if they'd been set up to charge for viewing?
we live in a time where thought is not really very important to the majority of americans.  i can't speak for other countries.  black people caught up in the 'black lives matter' rhetoric don't look at the obvious conclusion that in a racist killer society black lives don't matter very much.  if black lives truly mattered they'd matter first to black people who would have changed the situation of life in america long ago.  any work toward effecting that change died to be honest with the killing of the Panthers in the seventies.  not the death of King, but the killing of Fred Hampton and the Panthers who were murdered by Hoover's FBI.  because, the Panthers were socially interactive with change for better conditions for black people in this country, and were practitioners of the principles of 'self-defense' for every american citizen.  the Black Muslims were as well, but the thought of a different god was too scary for the grandchildren of slaves.  King was about biding time and taking the blows in order to convince the white man of his own evil actions, but not of how the white man may not actually care about how evil he is since his evil was apparently directed toward 'sub-humans'.  but the Black Panther 'SELF-DEFENSE and POLITICAL' party was about making society acknowledge that the black man WAS equal, COULD take care of himself and his own very well and WOULD NOT tolerate bullshit from a white government.  that made them exceptionally dangerous.  that made them exceptionally expendable.  and the phenomenon of culture was born.  the scariest thing in the world was an intelligent black man with a gun and an understanding of the constitution.

okay, that's a lot, even for me, for a sunday morning.  i've said my prayers, taken my insulin (133 on waking, still good numbers, and only one dose of fast acting yesterday) and my meds.  i've had an egg on toast with cheese so far today, about to go for my second cup of coffee and get started writing.  meeting at one, maybe breakfast with Marc and hopefully i get to see R some point today.  haven't worked out the 'feast or famine' decision just yet.  maybe i won't.  maybe that's my denial, my 'King Baby' still manifest even twenty seven years later.  i want what i want.  the sacrifice doesn't belong to R for my life, it belongs to ME in my own best interest.  and if i can't keep that in front of me, this orbit is just one more flight of fancy in a delusional mind.  and at this moment, i refuse to accept that.  so, we're going to keep moving, get this day in motion and see what comes.  it's early, so a nap is not too far-fetched.  later.

so, the evening has come.  the day was not bad.  i got a lot of writing done.  had breakfast with Marc.  had a good dinner.  visited with and helped my mom and dad.  bought Syd a pizza.  didn't flip out about things that triggered a 'flip-out' mode in me.  i talked with my sponsee, but not to any great effect.  the meeting was decent.  i'm tired, but more than tired, my brain is weary,  i wish sometimes i could turn it off, but not too greatly because those wishes are never happy when they're granted.  took some baking soda to break up this gas pain, if that's what it is.  drinking some water.  about to eat an apple as my snack.  i feel good.  i wish R was here, tired of the phone.  after a certain age there is no great thrill to just talking on the phone.  but it's better than not talking at all.  gym in the morning.  i'm pretty sure Syd won't 'forget' to go to her math teacher's class for extra instruction after school tomorrow.  good day, good night.  thank you, Jehovah, for moving me through it.

Phenomenon Culture

well, i skipped a day, i know.  i didn't actually intend to, but it happened, and as i said i would, i'm covering two days today.  there is a reason i missed yesterday, and i'm going to go into that, because it's the new course i'm plotting for the next phase of this orbit, which will officially begin tomorrow.  but for now, the recap.
yesterday started wonderfully.  we'd gotten the new phone and the activation went okay, except when performing the steps we got a message that the phone was locked.  out of fear of being jacked, as i'd never used Ebay before, i sent an angry email to the seller asking for the codes or the refund procedure, and then common sense took over, the activation went well, and i gave a half-hearted thanks for the swiftness of the delivery.  all that to say, i started off friday with a new message to the seller of apology and explanation, or an amend, and later got a positive reply.  i took Syd to catch the bus and i went to the gym.  i made the adjustments in the treadmill settings and had a good mile and a third walk.  i went home, had breakfast, talked to a friend and went to counselling, which went well.  i really enjoy the session with VF.  she doesn't see that her approach to counsel is very unconventional and therefore very effective, but i like to tell her so because i doubt if anyone else does.  people are not constructs, despite society's attempt to make us into exactly that.  so counseling went well and i came home and laid back mostly.  i went to lunch with Lonnie and was preparing to go pick up Syd from school afterward when i got an email from Syd's math teacher.  Syd had not stayed for her after-school help with math.  the teacher wasn't upset, but i was.  that brings me to why i skipped yesterday.
Syd failed her first quarter in math.  the school that she's going to is very performance-oriented.  good grades are expected.  if you don't maintain a certain level you get put back to your host school.  while the consequences of such an occurrence belong to Syd, until she's 18 the bill comes to me.  and setting up with her math teacher the after-school help involves me having to travel to champion, ohio, which is about a twenty minute drive on the freeway, both ways, in a car that is shaky, to pick her up three days a week.  a bit of involvement in this, in other words.  and she knew she had time with him that day because she texted me asking if our aunt was picking her up.
i was pissed.  no two ways.  texted Syd, got a bunch of 'i forgot's' and 'i'm sorry's', but i said nothing until she got home.  i thought about it.  and i decided.  and so Syd ended up staying in this weekend.  she protested, said that i was making her feel worse because she already felt bad, and that i always make her feel bad.  i didn't give in.  i also talked to Joe, her current, and insisted that they take some proactive measures to be at the very least 'more supportive' of Syd's scholastic efforts.  at which time i let them go get food after a bit and had dinner myself.
today, it's been practically no motion at all.  i've been laying down most of the day.  sugar's been good, took meds and insulin and had breakfast early, did not much writing but i'm going to jump on that soon.  i have been working out thanksgiving dinner in my head and waiting for Syd's mother's child support payment to post to the card.  i'm about to get up and go to the store, pick up a few needed items for tonight and tomorrow's dinner and i'm going to watch some movies and chill tonight.  i'm going to my 12 step meeting tomorrow but i don't think i'm going to the kingdom hall.  i talked to R last night and this afternoon briefly, i've been feeling hungry and restless more than anything, and i'm debating on haluska or just kielbassa and veggies for dinner.  i'm going to make a decision before i go to the store, as i'm not going there to buy out the store, but just to get enhancers, mostly.
so, the Phenomenon Culture.  there are similar terms in society at this time, but i'm looking at this as an actual term for the mental condition that is plaguing the vast majority of humans in so-called 'first world' society today.  its prevalence is overwhelming and i doubt i can bring anything new to this subject except perhaps fresh perspective, but that would be a welcome change from simply sitting back and watching a world become deliberately stupider and stupider.  more on this later, as for now i just wanted to make sure i got something down as a good start.

short trip of no great event

today my intention was to do very little.  i think i accomplished that.  perhaps even exceeded it.
i got up and did my usual morning things.  I find it's hard for me to just blow off the new discipline as it develops.  I wanted a whole mess of scrambled eggs, but i settled for two, and one piece of toast cut in half.  i did get to the gym after getting Syd to her school bus and I did get some writing done.  But i literally had nothing else scheduled for today, so i did nothing else.  I have a load of clothes that needs to be spun out, because the washer is acting shittier than usual.  I will get it to spin out and get my clothes dry tonight.  I had a chicken club sandwich for lunch with a bowl of soup, and I had chili and crackers for dinner.  I read from three meditation books and the Qu'ran this morning.  I like the Qu'ran because I know nothing of the scriptures in it.  I still use the New World Testament for instruction, but other spiritual writing is never a bad thing, because it gives you a chance to learn things about the world you inhabit for yourself.  perhaps one day i'll have other religious books in my collection as well.  anyway, talked to dad, talked to mom, talked to R and perhaps will a bit later.  I am going to lunch with Lonnie tomorrow afternoon and I have counseling in the morning.  I"m going to try to hit the gym first thing, if my energy is up, but if not i'll go before counseling.  i feel good, i am in as good a space as i've been lately and I'm grateful for just a short entry because i didn't plan out any adventures to fill this post with the details of.  Thank you, Father, and I appreciate every kindness.

celestial bullshit

...i think there comes a point where an individual has to make a choice.  and i don't mean a choice between turkey on rye or pbj.  i mean a choice, like, do i want to hold on to the person i've been, because there is a comfort in the familiar, because it's safe in this groove and i crave safety above everything else, because i've worked so hard to break in this life that breaking in a new one would take too much time and/or effort...or do i let go, because it burns to the bone now, because i'm tired of bleeding for things i don't even know if i really believe in, because there's no satisfaction in always hanging an infinite number of question marks over my head because the answers may be too scary.  i mean a fucking CHOICE.
i have a great appreciation for people who allow themselves to move outside of their comfort box.  VF asked me, about my November blues, if i think maybe God allows me to go through this to keep me mindful of where i come from.  that's paraphrasing, of course, but there is something just absolutely wonderful about a professional therapist who can speak of spiritual/quasi-religious things, with comfort and candor, because they know that i believe in that way and that may be a way to reach me.  so many shrinks would want to push me and my depression into a bottle of prozac and call it a day.
i got a guy on the internet, on youtube to be exact, who sort of 'trolled' a comment i made on a song, song was called 'hellutalmbout', or something like that, by janelle monae and her crew.  it is a very emotional song, simple in its power as it is just a battle cry, more than anything, naming many of the victims of this most public recent spate of police killings of black citizens.  and this guy, this white guy, decides he wants to belittle my emotions because, in truth, when i first listened to the song i cried, unashamedly, because i always feel like it's a battle.  dealing in a world that kills for fun and sport, dealing in a world where someone shoots up a school and no one wants to just say that the tragedy is that kids are being murdered because of someone feeling disenfranchised, instead focusing on gun control issues, dealing in a world that believes men have the right to force women not only to have sex against their will by rape but also to bear children against their will and many women have been programmed to see that as being perfectly okay.  yeah, i feel like i'm in a battle and i'm losing.  but this guy, well, my first reaction was anger and to engage him in stupidity.  but something, something in all this new attitude, thinking and action must be working, because i engaged him in conversation instead.  and though i wasn't able to rob him of his racist and troublemaking ways, i took the power of his initial attack and turned it back on him by provoking actual thought.  and that's what i am capable of doing when my cylinders are firing as they should.
today has been easier than yesterday.  I decided consciously not to go to the gym today.  instead, i went to the store after i dropped syd off and i got stuff to make chili for dinner.  i made a crock pot of chili and i also put together a meat loaf for friday, as the chili is a two day affair.  i consciously decided to shower rather than take a bath, and i groomed my face in the sink mirror and it was more efficient today.  i got to my meeting on time, got set up, i didn't speak during the meeting and i got home for lunch.  i had dinner a bit ago with my brother Jerry, and i got some and am getting some good writing done.
at the meeting today, i was annoyed but less so than usual.  i am sure the irritability is the least of the depression that has come into my well-being space, but there are too many things going on for me to give in completely.  got our anniversary meeting in two weeks.  got to get the dinner prep moving for the so-called 'thanksgiving' holiday.  heard someone say for the first time today in the meeting 'this is gratitude month' and i felt my mouth turning into a scowl.  funny feeling.  because it's thanksgiving month, a bunch of people who should remain, more than most, grateful every fucking day of every fucking year of their fucking lives want to designate this 'gratitude month'.  it's stupid, only because the gratitude is so lacking in the 12 step fellowships anymore.  but there's not anything you can really do about that.
R just called, talked for a minute.  she was off today but had a doctor's appointment and time with her mom.  i am truly on the horns of a dilemma.  have a 'pastperson' contacting me, and in the deficit of company i would welcome the chance to have flesh at my disposal.  BUT.  i do want something more from R, do want something more for ME, more importantly.  i don't know what i'm going to do yet.  should doesn't come into play.  it's about what action i will take.  but i'm going to pray on it tonight, before i actually make a decision.
its very easy to pontificate about how wonderful things are as long as no bad things happen.  Job is an example of celestial bullshit if ever there was one.  most people think the lesson of Job is about endurance and faith, but i don't believe that.  the real lesson, the one that most people miss, is the universal theme throughout the scriptures.  that is not 'faith' though that theme runs often, and it's not 'endurance' though that comes up quite a bit too.  to me, the real lesson is, DON'T FORGET WHO GOD IS, AND THAT YOU'RE NOT GOD.  Job didn't lose his faith and he endured, but he talked too much game and God had to put him back in check.  "Where were you when I created the earth?"  that's the lesson that i'm trying to learn from most today.  good day.  sugar this evening was high though i did nothing out of the ordinary eating.  what i did was i didn't take the third needle, the Symlin pen, which my endocrinologist told me i could stop.  so i adjusted my Levemir and my Novolog to see if i can compensate for the lack of the third needle.  if its high in the morning i'm going back to all three.  i like my lower numbers.
well, that's it for now.  i'm going to try to write a lot more tonight in Mechanical Jesus.  coffee's ready for the morning, and so am i.  thank you, Father, for a productive and instructive day.

weight

i'm not sure how exactly i'm feeling right now.  this was a hard day.  i couldn't seem to get myself in gear in the early part of the day.  I woke to my alarm and i got my prayers said but it was very in my head, not heart-engaged at all.  i got Syd to her bus and i came back home, not feeling the gym.  i ate and i tried to write but there was nothing there, really.  i made up my mind i would get it moving and i finally started making some good moves.  i went to the stores and got some groceries for the house, and I took my mother some decaf coffee for their house.  i finished up at the second store, talked to R and made my way to the gym.  the treadmill was kind of rough, got close to a mile but not a mile, and i did some work on the weight machines.  i was just low energy today, but i can't let that stop me.  i talked to R once i got in from the gym and A called me and asked if i was busy and if i could help her get things set back up at her crib since they got the work done they were doing.  i said yes and went and hung out with her for a couple of hours.  meantime, got Syd's report card in the mail and it was what i expected.  i don't really have a feeling about the poor grades, though i know i should.  i've been speaking to her about her grades since the end of elementary school.  she is making choices that are going to take her to not so good places, but i can't do anything about that either.  so i'm just letting her know that i know she can do better.  i'm going to set a conference with her teachers, but that's about the extent of what i can do.  you can't berate or bribe someone into doing something they just aren't going to do, it doesn't work that way.

the depression is starting in earnest, i know that.  i can admit it.  i just can't surrender to it.  i feel it in me like the beginnings of a flu.  i keep moving because what else is there to do?  if i stop moving, i'm going to be bed ridden.  i'm not even going to keep talking about it here, because talking about depression is depressing.  i don't have much left for the night.  i wanted to write and take a bath but that part of my day was cut out and i'm just feeling like i need some horizontal time right now.  i'm still grateful.  i got things done.  i saw my mom and aunt, i saw a friend, i talked to R, and i got a workout in, a better one than yesterday.  how i feel does not determine what i do, i have to keep that in the front of my mind.  good night, thank you, Father, your love is strength.

NEVERMORE

second day of a headache.  vision is changing again, i need my glasses to see the computer screen clearly.  fucking diabetes.  my day has been heavy, without any particular details to make it that way.  i am sick of feeling like i'm trapped in an Edgar Allen Poe story.  I tried to get my workout done, but Tina called me and i gave up after she bitched for a half hour and completely broke my rhythm.  i came home and had breakfast and that was about all she wrote for several hours.  i went back to bed, wrote some but couldn't really focus on writing.  I was still sluggish from the nighttime cold medicine i took.  i don't think this headache is cold related.  i think it's a percussor to the depression but i'm not going to give in willingly.
we don't ever really talk much about the spiritual things.  as a people, as a culture i mean.  in some countries, the spiritual is much more important than the physical, but not many anymore, and definitely not in america.  here, the physical, the material is everything.  so if you can't touch it, or bill for it, or fuck it or eat it or smoke it or get drunk on it or make someone else feel like less than by having more of it than them, it doesn't actually exist.  where i'm going with this, so as not to simply fill space babbling, is that perhaps this really is a spiritual depression.  i mean, i keep moving, i stay active, i pray, i read scriptures, i keep on my routine, but still i feel the cloud hanging overhead.  i don't mean it's hopeless.  i mean, things have to be approached for what they are, not for what's convenient to make them into for anyone else's comfort.  if it's a spiritual depression than there is only to continue to strengthen myself spiritually, and ride it out.  if it's physiological, then i could probably do some form of anti-depressant and it would lift.  but i don't want pills for my blues.  i feel physically fine, other than a touch of gout and this fucking headache.  but there is something wrong.

i found a table cloth today at Ollie's.  happy about that.  it will make finding table settings and a centerpiece easier.  its so cheesy it will fit nicely with things in my apartment.  not really, but it's white with predominantly blue flower pattern.  i like it for thanksgiving.  and i got a new door rug.  the old one was tearing up and needed replacing.  i'm moderating my expectations down.  i am not going to wash walls, shampoo carpets and vinegar clean windows.  if anyone is offended by the state of my orderly but not antiseptic living space they can be on their way.  i think that's reasonable.

i wish i could spend some time with R.  i miss the hell out of her.  i read a thing on Debi Thomas, the olympic skater, today.  seems she's broke, destitute, living in a trailer with bedbugs and an alcoholic mate.  she's a physician, she is an actual medical doctor.  i wonder why no one is wondering is she herself an addict or an alcoholic.  she's hoping to get a reality television show to help her get financially on her feet.  i felt something inside me flare up and then die when i read that.  what the fuck have we become as human concerns?
a woman who made history is willing to put her misery, pain and humiliation on television for people to watch and shake their overstuffed, potatochip filled heads, while madison avenue whores her to sell shit to these idiots.  this is what we are now.  i am fucked up, give me a reality show.  i'm willing to cut off my dick, where's the camera?  i'm fighting bums and stabbing them, like me on youtube!  there was also a story about some young lady who decided to strip in a johnny rockets in florida, i believe, and she was harassing customers and letting these fucking idiotic black men touch her and pour ketchup and water on her.  she wanted them filming it, likely had someone filming it herself and she wanted people to 'like' her on her social media page.  this is what we have become?  this is the world now?
i have one friend here who got on a reality television show.  it was for the money and i don't even know if she ever got paid or if it ever actually aired.  but it really makes me sad, really fucking sad.  i live in a world where the more problems you have the more valuable you are as entertainment.  but, at the same time, is it really any different than what's always been in place in this  country?  didn't PT Barnum make a mint off his 'freaks' and don't circuses and carnivals continue on with that same practice in some places?  oddities have always been an attraction, because it gives people a sense of superiority.  and, in this day and age of advertising designed to make you feel like shit, wouldn't that make this spate of reality television shows worth gold?
i'm making myself catfish for dinner, with leftover mac and cheese and a salad.  Syd asked for spaghetti, which was easy enough.  i am going to have my workout in the morning.  i'll probably try to get to the meeting as well.  i think i'm going to be okay for the rest of the day, but it doesn't matter if i am or not.  tomorrow is a new day, if i'm blessed to see it, i'll try for some new things.  if anything else comes up i'll hit this post again and update.  thank you, Jehovah, and peace to anyone who bothers reading this.

altitude and attitude

it's the end of the weekend, sunday night.  i'm eating strawberry jello and drinking ice water while i put this together carefully.  it was a day of average temperament.  it wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.  it had its moments in each of those extremes but in equal measure.  i can't complain about a day that gives you a nice up and down.
started slow enough.  talked to my friend Tina and therefore had to come back to my prayer, but getting up in a clean bedroom to a clean living room was everything i needed it to be.  had an extra egg for breakfast, and one piece of toast.  it was cold and the first sip of coffee was like a prayer being answered.  from there, not much detail until the meeting.
i had to get myself together and get moving early.  no kingdom hall today, but i had to go to the store to find something to cook for the potluck.  settled on turkey kielbassa with cali blend veggies and onions and peppers.  cooked it right at the sober club after i set up the meeting.
the people started coming and no one brought anything to the potluck except Bob.  it started to feel like a return to the bullshit period.  one young dude came in and immediately asked 'is this food free?'  not, 'hello, my name is _____', not "hey, you all need a hand setting up?'  just, is the food free.  so i fussed at him.  fussed at him, fussed at a few other people too.  then i felt bad, because the idea of the potluck has never really been about accumulating food, but about accumulating family.  and i let them know that, but i didn't tell them not to bring something next pot luck.
before i left for the meeting i ordered Syd's phone and phone case.  felt good about that.
when i got back home my brother met me here and i gave him the rest of the pizza from the potluck as well as the rest of the kielbassa and veggies.  we talked for a bit and then Syd came in.  i wrote for a little while and then i started working on getting dinner together.  made salmon, mac and cheese and more cali blend veggies.  everything was good.  then the altitude changed again.
Syd, riding with her friend, was in a fender-bender yesterday evening.  apparently not damaged, as she wanted to continue on her way to whatever her plans were.  but this evening, pains and aches and getting worse and so i took her to the emergency room.  i was angry, not because of having to go to the e.r., but because there is some modicum of common sense that should be natural at sixteen.  going to the e.r. AFTER the accident is one of them, especially if you have any pains whatsoever.  but, kids are actually fairly not-smart anymore.  and so the usual emergency room shuffle commenced.  blood, urine, scans, ibuprofin prescription and home.  follow up with family doctor.  i was mad also because, most of the day, i've had a headache.  it's a cold/flu that's been laying in ambush for me.  i'm pretty sure it's got me now, but we'll see tomorrow.  the nurse who sat in the cold closet of a scan-waiting room didn't help the matter much, as she was sniffling and coughing as well.  so, i'm about to jump in my bed, under my comforter, and put on some relaxing music, and i'm going to take some nighttime cold medicine, and hope that i can push this damn cold back a hair.  i have to go out to warren to pick up Syd tomorrow as she's going to be doing after school studies to improve on her math.  i have to pay the rest of her student fee tomorrow.  have to go to the grocery store.
these are the times when i wish like hell i had someone in my life full time.  if only because it makes the load half as heavy unless they're trying to do four times as much.  but still, it's nothing i can't handle.  and if the sick comes down on me, i'm just going to have to ask for some help, because that's what life really is all about.  so now, my attitude and my altitude have leveled off to cruising height, and i'm going to slide under the radar of wakefulness into what i hope is a decent sleep.  

hibernative day

there are words that are not words that should be.  HIBERNATIVE is not a word.  but i like it, and i like what it means in use, as a state of inactivity.  inactivity is far too common a word, and hibernative is not.  but when i use a word and am not certain of its legitimacy, i look online for it and see if it has a definition.  usually it does not.  this one doesn't either, but someone thought of it before me and has stated that they think it an appropriate word.  all that to say there is someone who has a brain whose path i just crossed briefly, and that makes me happy.

yesterday was a rather hibernative day.

i didn't journal yesterday.  I said i was going to stop the last minute, just get something written no matter what it is and close the day out journalling.  i am serious about that.  this is a journal with a purpose.  i expect it will become more definitive as the year of it draws to its conclusion, but we're still in the early stages, not even a full two months yet.  so this entry is inclusive of November the 6th, as well as today, November the 7th.  and those who don't like it...well...why should i care?

yesterday i went to the gym after i dropped Syd off to catch her bus.  I walked for half an hour over constantly shifting terrain, from a 0.0 percent elevation to a 4.0, and it shifted at the design of the treadmill.  i was sore and exhausted afterward, but i saw the difference right off.  a mile takes me about twenty minutes.  little more sometimes.  i burn around 110 calories, i walk it at an elevation of about 2.5, so a slight upward incline the entire way.  this was a half hour, at a comparable speed, that took me to about a mile and a half, that burned about 350 calories, that worked my muscles much more efficiently.  so i am going to start doing the treadmill for time rather than for distance, and if i increase and acclimate to the time increases, the mile increases will come as well.  again, looking for a better solution that will enhance the desired results.  like not focusing on weight but on increased health and lessening of meds will almost by proxy mean the weight is coming off.

i then went home long enough to change and have some coffee, do some writing in Mechanical Jesus and get to counseling.  it's always sort of interesting when VF and i just talk about a certain subject for a whole session.  i like it, as i don't have a lot of people that i can just run through some of the items in my head with.  i appreciate having her as a friend as well as a counselor.  plus, now that i know i have BED, i may never get out of counseling.  that's just a joke.

i then went to visit my mother, as i told her on wednesday i would.  i intended to stay much longer than i did but it wasn't a long visit.  I don't mind visiting my mother, but her sadness is too much a trigger in my memory banks.  i cannot, at this time, easily remember my mother having happy times.  there is something very sad about that to me.  and the fact that she finds so much to be miserable about now, so many things to grate against her the wrong way, it makes a prolonged visit almost unbearable.  but i know the time is coming when one of us won't be around anymore, and i don't want to spend any more time than necessary feeling as if i can't visit my parents.  they're the only ones i'm going to have, and i'm the only Tim they've got, so we have to just put up with each other.  and since they and i have been doing so for 47 years now, i guess its obvious that we can.

i had two boiled eggs for breakfast yesterday, i had two hamburger patties with salsa, cheese and sour cream and a medley of veggies and cheese sauce for lunch, and I had leftovers for dinner, of pot roast, carrots and potatoes and green beans.  i grazed on a small bag of chips.  my sugar was good, and my mood was one of contemplation and ease.  i was sleepy, but i didn't nap.  Syd has been cleaning her room, and though i told her her weekend would be spent here, i let her go because that saves money.  i have to finish paying her school fees so i can get her report card, and because they need to be paid.  i paid half last month and i'm paying the rest on monday.  i really pray that the 911 job comes through this time.  i just want to be in an earning position again.  i'm so thankful that the rent stays paid and the utilities are on, but when it's one week into the month and i'm considering what else i can pay and how do i do groceries this month and will i have enough to do the Thanksgiving thing for my family, it cracks the door a bit for the depression.  plus, i have to order the phone for Syd, which will eliminate the Christmas thing.  but, i'm going to just acknowledge that this is not unique, though things would like to make me endorse a uniqueness for this feeling.  many people are struggling, and even millionaires have killed themselves at the so-called holidays.  we have created a society of affluence and despair, because it sells useless things to desperate people so the truly rich increase their riches.  I will not succumb to latent Madison Avenue toss-off emotives.  I will be okay, WE will be okay and that's just about all there is to that.

as well, my anniversary is in twenty days.  God willing i make it til then, it will officially be twenty-seven years sober and clean.  i remember still my first anniversary.  i was so overwhelmed.  i had watched so many of the others collecting their coins.  when you were new, all the way up to being 9 months, you got a plastic keytag.  many of us would just string them together and make ornamental hangings from them.  but when you got a year, in the fellowship of my preference, you finally got a COIN.  a brass coin that said 'hope, faith and courage' on one side.  i remember how i cried when i got my year coin.  i was overwhelmed.  i was alive.  it was a year later.  i'd not believed that i could do it.  everyone i'd gone through the care unit with (except TB, who is still clean to my knowledge) was back out getting high or drunk again.  I was twenty one.  there were people who loved me.  there was help i was able to give and service i was able to provide.  i cried, maybe the only time in my life, for the overwhelming weight of happiness.  i sometimes wonder if, like that first hit or that first drink that really does it for you, people relapse because they're hoping to get that feeling again.  because anniversaries now, they're just days of looking back.  no celebrations, no big whoop.  and the gratitude remains, and the being of service and the love too, but they're altered somehow.  i'm not twenty-two; i'm forty-seven.  i've been doing this since i was twenty.  i have lost all my teeth, i have congestive heart failure, i have diabetes, i have a marriage and a divorce, i have a child i'm raising solo, i have broken hearts and have a broken heart, i have lost friends to death and i have been angered beyond belief at the degeneration of my familial home in the form of the fellowship of my choice.  i have watched the world become a compromised place and, maybe worst of all, i have learned that the world was likely ALWAYS this compromised place, and i had to get old and bitter for that to come clearly into focus.  life is interesting, but there won't be any tears of joy the twenty-seventh of november this year.  there will be a prayer, if i am still alive, thanking Jehovah for another day of life, and there will be the day ahead.  you know what?  i miss that young man who was so undone with that first year, but i like this me better.  this me knows and appreciates the value of things much more than that me did.

today is a hibernative day as well.

today i woke sluggish and may return to bed soon.  but i'm striving not to.  today i had bacon and eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast.  today, the coffee is good, the sugar wasn't bad and the house is quiet.  i am going to start cleaning.  I'm going to find me some good music, start a good thorough cleaning of the apartment because the plan for thanksgiving is to have dad and my aunt michelle and my brother and De'Ja and maybe Syd's friend and me and Syd here.  don't know about R.  don't know about Tina, who came last year but may have other plans, as she is at least on friendship terms with a mutual friend and maybe will be more by that time who knows?  still, i have to start the logistics.  dinner menu, seating, fridge space.  gonna be a tight month.  but it all begins with cleaning.  and i'm still pondering the programmed aspect of the world we're living in.  i don't know how much of that is a distraction from looking at myself.  i know the world is a fabrication of convenience for selling shit to idiots and innocents.  knowing it doesn't change it one whit.  so why do i continue beating that dead horse?  it ain't gonna cross the finish line.  but we'll see what the day brings, and who brings it, and we'll get back to this a bit later.  that's enough for now, i believe.

well, i finished my cleaning.  my areas are done, and i have a load of clothes to finish tomorrow.  i didn't find anything i was looking for when i went to the store.  my sugar levels were good.  i managed to eat okay, not as well as i should have but far from fiend eating.  i have to get groceries.  i have to make a decision on this phone thing for Syd.  but those aren't major and pressing issues.  i'm looking forward to sleep.  i always sleep better when my space is clean.  thanks for a good day, Father.

retro rocket slow down

good thursday morning.  today started a bit differently.  I was planning on hitting the gym at the 530 opening, but when I opened my eyes it was already after five and I was groggy as hell.  so i rolled into a prayer that i had to stop because my brain was still fuzzy.  i'm going to say, here and now and for the record, that the relaxation vids on youtube work better than any pill i've ever tried as far as a sleep aid.  I sleep the night through, maybe wake one time, and when i wake up for the day my creative mind has already been conditioned to write and think and do.  i like it a lot.  it's a nice addition.
so, i started my prayer and I realized, with my fuzzy brain, i was just churning the spiritual water.  so i stopped, picked up my bible and read the 28th chapter in the book of the Acts of the Apostles, and that let me refocus my prayer.  there's a story in it about Paul being a prisoner under house arrest in Rome, but also of how when he was gathering wood to add to a fire after he and Luke and other disciples were ship-wrecked on an island, he was bitten by a viper that was hiding in the wood.  and they thought him a murderer and that he'd been judged and condemned to die.  but when he just shook the snake off and kept doing his thing and didn't die, they changed their minds and thought him a god.  that's like the world still is.  one extreme to the next and never stopping to see what the reality behind what the eyes are taking in just might be.
i'm drinking good coffee.  i'm going to the gym after i take Syd to her bus stop.  I'm going to my doctor's appointment.  i'm going to consider a phone i found on ebay, which would be perfect as i could get it for 25 dollars for 6 months, or maybe it was 8, but that's very do-able.  and i'm going to get something to cook for dinner while i'm out, because dinner must be cooked tonight.  i'm trying to get back to the discipline of writing in this journal earlier in the day, so i don't have to just sum up and wrap up at night while i'm sleepy.  but part of what that's been about has been living life, and doing things, and not just sitting still waiting for the depression to bang down the door.  so, i won't complain too much.
google docs may just be the solution to my word processing issue, and it won't cost me a thing if it is.  God provides, always, if i listen to what he's showing me through the people around me.
i got to get started, later on the rest of this noise.

this was a slow down in a bunch of different ways today.  like going to my doctor and finding all my numbers are good, a1c down, insulin down, but weight is same  loss as the middle of last month.  not going to get bummed out, not going to go crazy.  then, went to the store rather than to see my sponsor because my brother called, said his dude who works on my car was going to stop by soon to check something for me.  so, no visit, and no walk in mill creek.  except that this was going to be a sort of slow down day.  so i just chilled.  made myself lunch from found things in the fridge, rested, wrote just a little, my mother came by and we spoke for a bit, so did my brother.
i am considering what needs to happen as far as my weekend goes.  maybe R will make it through, maybe not.  but i have to get some other things shaking, under any circumstances.  so, thank you, Father, and i got nothing else right now.

do the math

the days are getting darker quicker now.  the joke of daylights saving gets old quickly.  i've been staving off the depression, but it's hard.  isolation is easy to feel when loneliness is prevalent, but i'm not going to petition for company.  R is doing her thing to make sure her kids stay fed.  i am tending to the business at hand, have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, got the major bills paid today.  i worked out at the gym and i'm going to do it again tomorrow.  I didn't make the Salvation army for the produce giveaway, as i had to make coffee for the meeting and was holding the new coffee.  i have been writing a lot, it's moving well, i think i'm going to ease back just a hair, not for too long but just for a day, because i don't want to try to manage where it goes; i just want to capture it as it unfolds.
the meeting on wednesday is going well.  i was sorry i had to tell a young lady we couldn't sign her paper for her, but we have that policy for a reason; no slips signed after 1210.  and not returned until one.  she left once she found she couldn't get her paper signed.  we are compromised from without, but we are willing prisoners to a society that has usurped our benefits, co-opted our principles and still finds the gall to call us frauds.  it's amazing.
i saw a magazine at Syd's doctor office today, some drug company magazine, speaking of Binge Eating Disorder (or B.E.D.)...i thought to myself, even easy math is a lot of money.  now, binge eating has been around forever and ever, amen.  BUT.  as i have spoken at length to my counselor about these new phenomena of disorders that are being assembly line produced anymore, to see this one roll out onto the production floor was pretty awesome.  see, they have statistics.  5 million women and 3 million men have this disorder.  8 million people.  let's just say that, shits and giggles, they know if they say 8 million they'll get ten million of us neurotic fat people asking our physicians for a work-up, a psych profile and a specialist to determine whether we are in the BED class.  and, lowballing just for conversation, let's say the initial consultation is a nice round figure of $100 a head.  well.  a billion dollar diagnosis.  then, of course, additional for therapy, for treatment, for follow-up care, for nutritionist, the sleep apnea people will jump in on it too, and so will the other specialist that are peripheral to eating disorder diagnosis.  and the drug companies will have something ready, with a whole host of side effects ranging from loss of sleep to death, and don't take this if you're pregnant or nursing...and now you're into the tens of billions of dollars, for something that has already been diagnosed as part of the eating disorder phenomena but now has it's own cult following.  but no one seems to look at that shit.  very few seem to see it.  so, am i just paranoid, stupid or some lone nut?  i think i need a fourth option.
anyway, that was something new.  conversation with Syd was peaceful.  we went for chinese food for dinner.  i was irritable from the doctor visit.  got to remember to have them do a referral to a real doctor's office.  this 'health center' bullshit is played out.  i feel okay now.  going to turn in early, as my appointment is at 10 in the morning and i don't want to miss the gym.  i had more to say but it slips my mind at the moment, so good night, and be grateful things are not as bad as they could be and are for someone that you know.  peace.