yesterday, for instance, i found myself at odds with my mother for some unknown reason. and i mean, i had no idea what the problem was. perhaps her perception that i cut her off, not wanting to hear about the 'latest thing' my dad did as an affront to her. that may be somewhat accurate, but it is an everyday occurrence now, and i don't want to keep hearing about how my father has done something else that my mother has taken offense to. but i try to maintain a level of patience with both parents. i don't know how much longer i will have them and would like to make the most of the memories left to create. but she stopped communicating with me at some point, and therefore i went to bed early, so that i didn't have to partake in that sort of low-level drama.
when i woke, i found all my money was in place and i decided to make a path for yard sailing. i went to McD's to get breakfast, i came home and ate in the driveway, i watched a bit of television and then i went to counseling. the session was good, and we talked more about the parameters of our interaction as client/therapist than anything else, but it was good and it is always good to be able to converse with someone who gives an active damn about me. from there i went to Hubbard, where i found a book shelf, a rocking chair, some computer speakers. the rocking chair needs a spot of gorilla glue so she knocked half the price off, and later, when my brother and I went to pick up my stuff, we found the book shelf came in pieces and was sort of flimsy and screwed together weird, so she returned my money for that purchase. i felt bad, as i am truly the 'caveat emptor' brand of yard sailor and thrift whore, but i didn't regret not taking those things home. more on that later.
after Hubbard (two there, actually, but i only found stuff at the first one) i went to Struthers. yes, i know. i did go to a yard sale there, and i even went to the Re-Store. but i know that wasn't my real reason for going. i got gas, then i rode by Rachel's house. didn't stop. couldn't stop myself from doing it, to be honest. i saw that the hangings she covers the front window with are still up, and there is a wooden hutch type piece by the front door, so i'm guessing she's still there, she's kept the place. i have decaf coffee and the radiator info in my car, but i didn't stop to leave it. i'm really not trying to be stubborn and this really is not a game. i don't want to not have her in my life, but i want her to WANT to be in my life, not be in my life because 'oh, well, what i want ain't never gonna show up'. i don't believe in that kind of shit, though i can dig the 'if you can't be with the one you love then love the one you're with honey' philosophy. but i think we never got to that point. i was with the one i loved. i think she loved the one she was with as much as she could, but she couldn't reach far enough to continue to convince me of the authenticity. and maybe that's my fault. but if she wants to have company with me, she will get in touch. if she doesn't she won't. i miss her, but i'm going to live.
anyway, i went to lunch with a new friend from the meeting, and i mean a new FRIEND. no names, her anonymity is an assured thing. she is one of us for certain, a boatload of issues and isms, no developed ability to deal very well with them and creeping along the edge of her own madness every day. about the only thing i hope i was able to impart was that i am her friend, and that she is cared about. but she talked, she told her story to me, and hopefully she'll talk more as time goes on. been awhile since i dealt with a little sister.
i'm going to hit one yard sale that i know of tomorrow, and perhaps more if i find more. i'm supposed to go to lunch with Syd, and we'll see how that turns out. going to pay some bills, put in some apps and keep it moving. all that i know to do. i am not sorry i went by her house. i'm only sorry that i can't get this water bill straight any faster. thank you, Father, for all you've done for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment