things to do:
put in some more applications (can't put all eggs in one basket)
get upstairs finished, far as cleaning and sorting what i've got and what i need
pay my bills!!!!!
stop obsessing about doing writing or editing or composing...it will come when it comes.
remain grateful...i am blessed.

it's evening, Friday.  it's been a good day, though not especially eventful.  i've had a full enough day, though i do believe i will have to start forcing a bit more structure in areas that are not listed above.  that's going to be kind of important in the days to come.  but for now...

i woke up and actually had a pretty good sleep.  its important to note that, because it started out all rough.  i've been looking for the equation that would allow me to rest, and feeling the emotional effects of night after night of broken sleep and not being able to fully go under.  last night i tried turning off the light for the first time.  at first it didn't work, but laying on my back did take the pressure off the bladder.  then, i re-made my bed, fluffed my pillows, found a better video to sleep to and laid it back down on my back.  i felt myself going under and coming back up, but it was starting to take hold.  finally i felt the chill in the night air, wrapped in my comforter and was out like a light, like THE light, until morning.  it was such a relief to know that i could.

so i got up and said my prayer, made my coffee, did my readings and my medicine and had breakfast.  i'd planned on going to my parent's house so i didn't dawdle too much, but i didn't rush either.  i got to the house about nine or so, and i helped my mom pay her bills, i got the flyers done for our anniversary meeting, i sent the info about the donation can to S and i updated my mother's laptop.  i had lunch with her, though i forgot to bring the casserole i had for her, and then i came back here.  first i stopped at Aldi's as i had to get some things i needed for my dinner.

once home, i didn't do much.  i'm still in the lethargy of this new reality, but i'm realizing i don't need to rush through anything.  i am in a new skin, so to speak.  who is this Tim?  who is this person with no Rachel?  haven't known him in a lot of years now.  who is this Tim with no Syd?  haven't known him in over 18 years, and i know i was a different motherfucker 2 decades ago.  who is this Tim in a house by himself?  who is this Tim?  i don't know.  i have the blueprint, drawn up through the past 49 years.  but i have no idea how the construction turns out, and pretending everything is the same is stupid.  so i have to be patient with myself, i have to take my time, learn me, do things, and experience this skin.  that's the only way i'm going to know, get comfortable, and find my muse.  no big deal.

i need to order my adapter for my keyboard.  i need to get a steam cleaner so i can clean my guest bed, my couch and my bedroom rug.  i need to get back on the hunt for a 9x12 area rug so i can get my color scheme for the living room.  but i need to take it a day at a time.  and i need to remain grateful; i am blessed, and i am cared for.  and i need to keep that in front of my eyes.