still waters, windless days

the problem with words (as i ate dessert, i thought about how to start this one) is that they are often misunderstood by those who try to use them, and the misunderstanding goes uncorrected, therefore there continues a misuse, or misunderstanding, of a thing that becomes a part of the consciousness of the kind.  for example, i've heard the expression 'for all intensive purposes' for a long time, heard it for years in fact, before i saw it in a book written properly, 'for all INTENT and purposes'.  but because someone misheard it and thought it sounded intelligent it was allowed its own existence in my mind until i was blessed to learn it correctly.  and does it matter?  not really.  but it's significant in that what you don't understand, you can hardly define or describe to someone else.  and if you can't define something, how can you get feedback on it?

all that to say, again as i thought eating my dessert, that i had the wind knocked out of my sails this afternoon.  and now, i know exactly what the feeling is, and i can describe it perfectly for anyone.

start with going to the interview today.  Trugreen, a lawncare company, located in Boardman, on South Avenue.  guess they consider it Poland, but there you go.  i know South Ave, so i wasn't really concerned about directions.  and Trugreen, being a national brand company, should have a prominent location, one would think.  i thought, anyway.  but i didn't see it as i closed in on Western Reserve.  so i pulled into a Wendy's and put it in my phone's GPS.  and it led me to the center of the intersection of South and Western Reserve.  and i went past WR and didn't see anything.  and i came back across and didn't see anything, and despite my initial plan to get there early, i ended up being a few minutes late.  but i got to interview anyway, apologized sincerely and often and was there for an hour.

flash forward to going to see my sponsor.  i didn't go back immediately after the last time because i'd been under the weather.  i went to Big Lots, and went into the Little Greek but it seemed pricey and pretentious so i went to a Chinese buffet instead.  i texted my sponsor from there, and he confirmed he'd be at home and i was welcome to visit.  when i got there, the hospital was just delivering his oxygen tanks.  he looked very worn down, very tired.  he talked, he always talks.  talked to the guy delivering the tanks, talked politics to him, talked to me the entire time.  i stayed a little over an hour, but his place has a very relaxing vibe, a sleep vibe is the best way i can describe it.  i got the numbers that he asked me to play for him, and as i stood before him, i noticed the urinal bottle next to his chair.  i went to the restroom, and when i came out, he was just putting the urinal bottle away.  it was not empty before.  and i realized, he very well may be using it instead of rising and going to the bathroom, which is about 10 feet away from where he sits.  and it made me very sad, realizing that he may just not have the energy to move so much.  he doesn't get out much anymore.  and things happen, and people slowly go away, and its always sad, right?  i thought about meeting him, with a head full of hair processed in Jheri curls and a gray 3 piece suit, driving a gray Eldorado.  now he looks...old.  and i know he is, and i am and my parents are.  but it made me sad.

and then, the cherry on the sundae.

i rode past i don't know how many places where i could have played my sponsor's numbers.  i chose the gas station by the McD's up from CCA where i worked a couple months ago.  passing Princeton, i noticed the car that had been in Rachel's mom's driveway was gone.

as i went to park next to a car, i noticed on the other side of the car was Rachel's mother's car, and I saw Rachel's eldest daughter coming from the station, so i realized that must be Rachel in the passenger seat.  i didn't get out of my car.  i waited until her daughter got in the car and they backed out and were leaving before i got out to go into the store.  i played his numbers, got a diet iced tea and resumed my sojourn home.  but the entirety of my energy was gone.  i had nothing left after that, and couldn't even pretend that i did.  i talked to Lonnie, but i was aware of my mind swimming.  i got back to my house and i sat in the driveway for a bit, thinking.  i went to hook up my computer, but i couldn't get it working and knew i'd need Lonnie's help.

now, mind you, this morning, i finished writing a song,  i shaved and showered.  i laid one vocal track.  i went to the store and picked up the adapter i needed and the keyboard for my mom's desktop computer.  i did the things i had to do in a good fashion.  this evening?  i had a grilled chicken and cheese sandwich and a can of soup because i lack the energy to be more creative or to cook for myself, and i lack the motivation to leave this house to go find food.  i feel depleted.  and it will pass.  i have counseling tomorrow.  i did not try to talk to her.  i have made progress and i have not surrendered much of it.  i hope.  but right now, i feel like a sailboat stuck in the middle of the ocean, with a perfectly blue sky overhead and not a ripple on the surface of the sea.  just floating, and no direction.

but i'm grateful.  i know she's okay.  i know she's alive, anyway.  better than i can say about Deja or Syd at this moment.  we take the blessings we get and we say thanks.