that would be a Saturday, in which i had the conversation with my sister about the water bill at my home. i asked her, in front of my parents, to take the account number down to the water department and take ownership for the bill, make payment arrangements or something. she said she would and she apologized but i didn't get much sincerity from the gesture.
her arrival brought me back from my yard sailing, but it was okay as i'd found nothing of worth that day except a copy of 'The Tao of Pooh', one of my favorite philosophy books. it was a rainy day, and it was chilly, but i was still on the hunt for needed things. also, in the course of the day it became apparent that Syd was not going to follow up on her word to either break bread with me or to help me move some things over to my house, but i had no true expectations of either so there was no real sense of disappointment.
sunday took me to my meeting at the club, my CA meeting. the chairperson was a woman i have a hard time dealing with, so i went inside to get through the meeting. its funny; people have no expectations of themselves, and therefore they accept anything that a person sets in front of them. this woman has not changed at all. she is manipulative, she is obvious, which to me is a sin; she is of a very low self-esteem and it is so evident only Ray Charles, grabbing Stevie Wonder's glasses by mistake, could miss it. she says the exact same things now that she was saying when she first starting showing up at meetings, which is an indication there has been no growth. and they continue to put her in front of a meeting and act as if she is working toward change. now, all this is very judgmental on my part, and i admit it. however, i don't say anything that i'm not willing to put work into. i did try to help her, tried to get her started on working steps and making changes, and that only led to her feeling that she could control me as well. so, i don't know for sure if i'll be going to the meeting on sunday, regardless of me giving my word to go. i try not to do more things than i have to that i truly don't want to do anymore, and that would be at the pinnacle of my list. also on sunday, i got my mother up so she could listen in on the services at the Kingdom Hall, and i tried to talk my father out of his plan to have Deedy paint the porch at my house, being that the water is shut off still. but he doesn't listen to anything he really doesn't want to hear.
sunday night i confronted him about always bringing someone else's opinion of me to me in an accusatory way also. apparently Deedy felt slighted because i didn't take her up on her offer to do work at my house, to help me get it together, and my nephew, the son of my sister who has derailed my progress, lied to my dad and said that i wasn't speaking to him, which is actually the opposite of the situation. i corrected my dad's opinion and told him that any facts that anyone wants on why i do what i do, all they have to do is ask me. i have no secrets. and i broke both situations down for him. but he is not the center of my life, and will not be. and i know acceptance of that is problematic for him.
sunday was also the day i started with the hurt back shit. my brother brought stuff he'd picked up on a job over to my house and put it on my porch, and i transferred it to the inside of the house where it would be safe. then Lonnie came by later to help me change out my downstairs toilet seat, and that was a further strain on my back. and i've been sore ever since. getting old is a bitch, again.
monday, Labor Day, totally uneventful. no plans to cook anything from my dad, no yard sailing, just laying around on steroid and acetaminophen, trying to stop hurting, and getting varying results. i do believe that right now the biggest deterrent to my getting better is being back on that fucking lopsided futon, but i cannot sleep over at my house with my bathroom frequency at night. not gonna happen. so i check in from time to time and i've been here otherwise. my mother got dinner for her and my dad from Bob Evans, and i picked up something from Taco Bell. good times.
yesterday. took my dad to his conference in Richfield. no big deal there. spent the day watching Law & Order and trying to get my back to stop hurting. took two of my dad's low mg Tramadol, did nothing for the pain at all. didn't think they would; Tramadol is a drug made to be abused. you almost have to crush it and snort it or eat an entire handful to get any effect from it. but i have one Vicodan left and i'm trying to save it for when i get back to my own bed. my sister did not do what i asked her to do; she SAYS she called down to the water department but they said the entire bill would have to be paid, i don't believe she called, but my lack of belief doesn't make things better so i'm not getting bent out of shape about it. gotta wait til the 12th, and see what lie she comes up with then. i'm trying to get out of town for a bit; really need to not be in this environment for a few days. but i am not past the bitterness. hearing nothing from my son or daughter, still not getting past the missing of Rachel. have talked to PF, but doubt that i'll get to spend much time with her as she works, though i can crash at her crib while i'm in town. just playing it by ear, nothing else i can do. been watching a lot of foreign detective shows, pretty good stuff.
today, noon meeting, figure out what i'm making for dinner, check on my house, take some Tylenol and stay out of the way. I'm grateful for everything, grateful for life. and i'm thanking Jehovah for keeping my mind together and moving in a better direction.
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