consistently inconsiderate (an assessment)

there was a time when i was sociopathic in an obvious way.  what i mean by that is, i didn't really consider anyone else's feeling, problems or preferences; i only acknowledged my supreme right to do whatever the fuck i wanted to do, and if i couldn't coerce you into agreement with that, then i ignored you or i ridiculed you.  that was how i acted...or reacted.  in truth, it was a defense program running on automatic and gone awry without me noticing it, because i was the program and the engineer.  i was a person who was fearful of everything from an early age, and i was imbued with the heavy expectations of my parents and family as well.  insecurity with a need to please and low self-esteem with the burden of high expectation.  so i had a lot of schisms in my personality to begin with, and no way to bring them all together...until i stopped allowing myself to care about others at all.  the greatest irony in that was how much i truly loved people, how much i genuinely loved to have company and friends and shit.  i loved family.  i loved the dynamic of getting together in common bonds and blood to participate in each other's lives.  but i always felt undeserving, unless i was performing.  and eventually, the performance became a resentment and the resentment became a reaction, and there you go. 

a friend, Mike, whom i no longer have contact with (whole different story, not of my doing) summed it up perfectly one day.  he told me, "You are consistently inconsiderate."  i took umbrage at that at the time he said it.  but i thought about it.  the really good things are the ones that make you stop, that give you pause and make you reflect.  'consistently inconsiderate' is clever and cutting, and it got through to me.  i hurt people, sure, but more to the point, my word meant nothing at all.  i would give it to get what i wanted, and then i would break it as soon as i got what i desired.  and that was both in and out of the program.  and at that point, at that moment in my life, i began to work on becoming consistently CONSIDERATE, consistently CONSISTENT.  to be thoughtful and to create a word of great value in connection to me.  it took time.  it's taken a long time and it has to be maintained and adjusted constantly.  but i don't mind, because i like this person today.  most days i even love this Tim.  but not all days.  and i guess that's what this starts out as today. 

i'm about to leave, going to a job interview.  had one yesterday, but i didn't take it, because it was for labor and i'm not doing that anymore.  i don't know if i'll get this one, but if it's God's will i will, and if i don't God's got something else in store for me.  thing is, i need to go see my sponsor as well.  and at some point, i need to drop Heather a letter, even if i don't go see her.  and i need to start working on the wallpaper up on my second floor, start getting these walls stripped.  i try to make more calls, send more 'good morning' texts now.  i don't always feel like it.  people are not very responsive anymore.  the world has become as i was, completely sociopathic, and individuals get infected without knowing it.  life becomes more important than the elements that make life worth living.  but if i just stop, isolate, burrow deep and brood, then i'll be in suicide mode all over again.  and i don't want that. 

today i got up and said a sleepy prayer and nodded in and out.  today i had a bacon and egg sandwich on wheat toast, i took my shower and shaved my head and face, and i'm dressed.  today i read from John and Luke, and my meditation book, and i emailed my old boss from CCA last night to inquire how her son is liking school, he having just started in kindergarten this year.  today i'm going to this interview.  i want to stop at Ollie's for some things i need, and i want to see my sponsor.  today i want to have a nice salad and some soup for dinner, as i need more roughage and less carbs in my life. 

but mostly, today i want to remember that i am of value to myself, and therefore i have value to others, whether they realize it or not.  their realization is not important;  what matters is that i know i am worth quite a bit to myself.  because that has to be the consistently consistent thing.  it allows for consideration of others.  and it keeps both the sociopathy and the suicidal tendencies at bay.  nothing i've done of myself; all praise to my Father, and i give thanks and head out to do the day.