Some things

you have to just take it as it comes sometimes.  you can't force a boulder through a buttonhole, no matter how much you want to...or even no matter why.  but thing about time is, given enough of it, anything happens the way it's supposed to.  time tends to the details of human life in ways that all the force and want and pushing and shoving can't attain.  and i know this, but the disillusionment still comes at times.  it's okay.  being human sucks, and sometimes it doesn't.

so, that is my first solo dinner here at Chez Tomas.  Nice ribeye, marinated and pan fried to medium perfection smothered in onions and mushrooms, with some nice sauteed red cabbage and onions and a baked potato.  good ginger ale on the side, pie and ice cream for dessert.  i couldn't even finish it all.  and i was thankful and i prayed before i ate.  i'm putting that prayer back into place, and need to start praying at night as well.  just time to start letting gratitude have more gas than lip service, you know?

i got up this morning, didn't sleep as well as i did the night before but that's due to an overabundance of coffee.  but i got up, got my readings and my prayer, had my meds and my breakfast, and i went to the parent's house to check on things.  i made coffee for my mom and made her an omelet as well.  i got a cup and measured out and marked where the water for her c-pap would come to so she can have an easier time when she has to fill it herself.  but i did fill it for her.  i also gathered clothes and hit a flea market.  it's nice to see things and know where they belong when i  see them.  i talked to my dad and my aunt, and called to check on my brother on my way back east.

when i got home i brought some things in the house.  i had stopped at the store for some wood glue and i've done a repair on the rocking chair.  i got some CLR to clean out my downstairs toilet so maybe it will flush like it's got some sense, and i got some nails and put the leg back on my table.  along with the cushions i got from the yard sale, that's one piece my brother left me that is finished.  

i have to say, learning is a strange thing.  yesterday i talked about Rachel, and about a woman at the meeting who physically reminded me of her, though it was likely just my imagination.  but as i finish the rocking chair and sit it in the corner, i don't really see Rachel in it.  and that makes me kind of sad.  it's like a little thing i found today.  it's a silver bell that's shaped like a dolphin, which is TF's thing.  and i said good morning in a text, but i got no response.  for all i know her phone is off again, but i'm not calling her.  i sent a text just because i am doing some better and felt its time to reach back out again  but maybe that dolphin bell is all i need of her here.  not saying anyone would be disinvited, but you can't lean on a person forever, and no person wants someone just leaning on them all the time.

here's a thought, though.  we're a culture that is inundated with overused and barely comprehended cliche.  way overdone.  like the whole thing of leaving a relationship and not looking back, you know?  "I don't look backwards."  and it sounds good.  but life is cyclical, not linear.  if you walk long enough, you come back to where you were before.  that's not going back; that's getting on with it.  Einstein hypothesized that if a man could stand on a tall enough mountain, he could look around the world and see the back of his own head.  life and nature are cyclical.  and this is something that is just hatching in my brain.

thank you, Father.