Order from Chaos

you can only begin with what you have, physically speaking.  you can want, you can need, you can desire or covet or crave, but you start with what is within your reach, what is in your possession.  and you build from there, and you take elements from all of the things you CAN do before you have access to those things, and the thing you have begun to work on begins its process of becoming.  that is everything.  it's how things happen.  that's what i'm learning now.

i got up today and turned on my coffee pot.  the pain in my hands and feet are gone, but the stitch in my back is still ever present.  i said my prayer, went into the kitchen, lit incense, got some water, took insulin and medicine and my antibiotic and read my bible scripture and meditation book.  i was going to roll out for breakfast but decided to chill and do it at home, especially after finding i lost half a chicken in the drought.  i baked my last 2 sausages, ate one with 2 scrambled eggs and grits made from chicken broth.  had coffee and water, cleaned my mess and put things away and lazily began the process of heading across town.

i called my mother to see how she was doing and told her i'd be there shortly.  i got dressed, got my stuff and went north.  i parked behind her car at the back of the driveway so i could load my computer stuff easier.  i made my mom coffee, watched some Rifleman and talked to her when she came out of the bathroom.  then i went downstairs to dismantle my PC.

i'd asked Josh, Lonnie's son, to come and help me again today, but i realized that i was thinking of the task of doing the computer from an old man's perspective, thinking about the HUUUUGE tower and the HUUUUGE monitors.  i got all my actual computer stuff in one box, and my wires and plug in stuff in a freezer bag inside a shopping bag.  i went back up, spoke to my mother and told her i'd be on my way shortly.  had to push my ethernet cable through the floor and roll it up in the basement, but i got it done and went to Walmart to pick up some odds and ends, then i came home.

not long after i got here, my dad called to say he and TS were coming by so she could finish painting.  i was quickly annoyed but pushed that down and just said 'okay'.  they came by, he came in to use the bathroom and take his pills.  he dropped one on the floor, and i couldn't find it though i found it this evening.  Josh came by, and i told him i'd done most of what i wanted him for and told him of my old man vision.  he helped me anyway, and i bought him lunch from the food truck down the street.  i offered to buy TS something but she said no.

so, it's going on 9pm.  i'm in bed.  had a sandwich and a few chips.  took my last antibiotic.  i am not structured yet, but i'm ready for structure, as ready as i'm going to get.  what comes tomorrow?  meeting, perhaps.  probably.  taking some more things out of my car.  locating paperwork for Thursday.  set up the bedframe in the spare room upstairs.  cook dinner.  i don't know exactly.  but i know i'm moving in a good direction.  i know i'm feeling better.  i know i'm ready for some sleep and i know that i'm truly grateful for whatever the day may bring.  i know it was nice to see human faces, to talk to some friends over the last couple days, and to know how resilient my family can be.  i'm grateful to my God for all the blessings, and i know i will keep moving forward if i remember to stay grateful.