so this is one of those days. one of those out of my mind with anger, want to tear some shit up days. the feeling stays with me right now. i know it will pass, but it's here now and i can't really focus away from it.
i started the day well enough. i got up and prayed, had coffee, read from my daily scripture book my mom gave me, and i saw Syd off for school. i had breakfast after my meds and my insulin. I lay back, after deciding the course of prudence. I had some idea of what the peer support position i applied for would consist of and didn't want to be exhausted for what could and did turn out to be lots of walking.
i got to the help hotline center a little before 830 and met the crew I'd be working with, including SL who vouched for me. went out with Martin, who seems to be the head guy in the outreach for that office. we went downtown, walked through different areas and talked with some people who are clients of the facility. i can't go into much, because that is likely confidential information. but it was informative, and much of it just made me sad. i may not have the temperament for this work, it will have to come into my prayers for guidance.
at a soup kitchen, just as one example, there was a mother with her three very small children, and the children seemed to be just normal, ordinary kids with their mom. but they'd been there, it seemed, the entire morning, and were waiting for lunch. i am afraid they may possibly still be there, waiting for dinner. it seemed she had nowhere to go. and that's the part that's sad for me. a country of wealth consolidated into one percent of the population, and the discrepancy is so great that so many in the 99 to 100th percentile have nothing at all. no home, no food, no shelter, no vehicle, no job, no nothing. they're not really covered by the American Dream. and i've always known that, but i have had some distance, usually. i was also told about the tent cities down by the bridges, but that's enough of that to make my point.
then...the dog and pony show, better known as the meeting.
it was watching dysfunction breed dysfunction. the guy who was chairing the meeting had asked a woman to speak, or lead, at the end of the month, as per our format. the woman asked to lead is emotionally and mentally unwell, with a host of issues plaguing her at this time. it's not hard to see at all. it involves having eyes and a heart and discernment. many people sacrifice those things, however, so they don't have to look into the mirror that another person is to themselves. this woman has been a disruption in every meeting i've seen her at. i had been irritable to a great degree, but in the last two weeks, my eyes began to open a little wider. i began to see that she is having some problems, some of them very obvious, and no one was really taking time to check her or see where she's coming from. including me. And that was not worthy of me, and it definitely didn't reflect well on my relationship with God. so saturday, i decided to speak to her. i told her i needed to know what was wrong with her, what was going on with her, so that i could try to be of assistance to her, because the meeting deserved a better her, and that was our jobs to see if that was possible. i didn't elect to sponsor her, but i chose to try to help her through her steps. this was after prayer, as i didn't want to jump off into self-will.
a word about leading a meeting. a speaker, traditionally, is a person who has worked through their steps, who has a working recovery program, who has some experience to share about working through some problems, situations or issues. in our literature, it says we tell a little bit about 'what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like today'. that comes as a result of working a program. if a person is not working a program, they only have their opinions and their pain and dysfunction to offer someone listening. that is the norm, most of the time. it's not engraved in stone, however, as nothing is. But that was the real reason for me wanting her to wait. because she is a collection of issues and isms. she is just starting on a fourth step journey, inventorying her self to find the truth and the road out of the thick forest in her soul.
but when someone who is chairing, or facilitating, the meeting doesn't care, when asking a dysfunctional person to speak means that they themselves can continue to hide, it doesn't matter if its right or not. it only matters that they've justified it in their head and they're going to roll on that no matter what. and so, she spoke. and she did as well as she could. she had no hope, and very little recovery experience to share. she didn't do a drunkalog, as we call just talking about the euphoria of recalling the drinking escapades. but she did okay. she prayed and turned it over and \God gave her a message.
but i am tired of having to deal with grown people as if they were children. i am weary of fights for nothing, of principles that are not adhered to but are just bandied about and tossed on the floor when they get too complicated. i'm tired of the feeling i have right now, still six hours later, of wanting to throw up because i'm so mad.
i don't see change for the better coming. but i see change coming. i think it is time to seek shelter from the storm.
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