today i prayed and got up. i ate some breakfast, a grandpa breakfast of bacon and eggs over easy topping a cup of rice. i stated working on the new book and thinking about how to actually go about selling a car. I'm pretty used to just junking cars when i'm done with them, but this one starts, it runs, it needs quite a bit of work, so i'm going to get some details, try to get it sold before the 14th of April and if that doesn't work i'm going to just take it to the crusher, because i'm not paying for tags or insurance on two cars right now. I waited til about 9am and i went to the stores. i got stuff to do a wedding soup. i was looking for endive, which i've never cooked with before, and i didn't find it so i got kale and spinach. i got little tiny pastas whose name eludes me right now and i got the rest of the stuff. i got home and slowly worked on my soup as i wrote. I heard from R briefly but she was at the post office looking for a letter she was supposed to mail so i told her to take care of her thing and call me when she was done, which she didn't but that's okay. i had a burger with some of the meatball mix and some wedding soup for lunch, and that was tasty, and i had a personal pizza and wedding soup for dinner.
i'd put off a task for most of the day, because i knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, but also because i didn't have a consensus on how the situation should be handled. a girl that goes to the meetings i attend, we'll call her M, has been extremely disruptive. she is fat and loud, and she jumps into the middle of everyone's conversation. she performs, and she slows the meeting down to have these 'impromptu' performances with other people. she rubs a lot of people the wrong way. a guy i sponsor was wanting to confront her about it during our home group meeting tomorrow, but i told him i would speak to her today. i did so because i knew the real deal would be for the people in the meeting to get enough balls to actually pull M to the side and speak to her themselves, but that wasn't going to happen. would have in the old days, but these ain't those. so i decided I would speak to her. but i was torn. do i just tell her settle down, or do i start with an amend? i am still in the passive aggressive mode when i don't need to be. so, i messaged her on facebook to call me after 8 and i prayed that God's will be done. and she called and i talked to her about where she is at and i kept bringing the focus back to her. and she is as miserable as i knew she was, and she is hurting as bad as i knew she was, and she is trying to keep the show going to keep people from seeing that. 'the tears of a clown, when there's no one around'.
i opened her up, and it wasn't hard to do. most things can be seen by the orbit they maintain around a persons demeanor and actions. but not if you are not trained to look for them, and certainly not if you're hiding your own shit and someone else's 'performance' makes it easier for you to hide your own stuff. i told her i was speaking to her because i was concerned about the meeting and that if i could find out what her real story was, who she really is in essence, then i would know the meeting was going to be okay. i knew i would have to do it, but it turned into more listening and more trying to keep the talking going. in the end, i give her some directions for working on her first three steps and told her that she should not be on her phone through the meeting, that she needed to start talking about things that she's been keeping inside her all this time that is making her sick, and that she perhaps should consider counseling. i don't know if it will do any good, but i know it was concern with a warning. because i also told her that if things didn't change i would start addressing these things publicly at the meeting and it would make a lot of people uncomfortable, but that i would do what had to be done to protect the meeting. and i meant that.
so, what i intended to be a riot act ended up being what i'm trained to do; listen, feedback, intuit, coax, pull from within and offer direction. programming is hard to shake. I'm glad that God knows what he's doing, and knows what i'm doing. that makes a lot of this easier. i'm going to bed. it's going to be a long day.
No comments:
Post a Comment