Clarities

i started this on Thursday, but saved the content, then erased it and started again Friday morning.  I was really tired by the time i started, and didn't want to just jot to put shit on the log, because this is meaning more again.  so, yesterday and today.

i got up with prayer and a light breakfast yesterday, as i was doing lunch with Lonnie later in the day.  i got Syd off to school and i mostly chilled.  it wasn't an eventful day, to be honest.  i started cleaning in the late afternoon before i went to lunch, got the bathroom and kitchen done.  went to L'Overture, good lunch, good conversation with Lonnie.  try to keep track of him, make sure he's okay, and i'm sure he does the same for me.  told him about my motivation in speaking with Syd's mom, trying to set the emotional ledger straight, knowing the clock is winding down.  it may mean that i'm grown now, not just growing up, and not that i haven't stopped learning either.  but i don't want reconciliation.  i don't crave a friendship with Chris.  i want to not have walls that i have to maintain as my final acts on earth.  i want to be free of people in my head, period.  and i can't do that if i can't check on someone who is in my thoughts, because for me that's usually a foreboding rather than a longing to see someone.  or that could all be a clever rationalization.  but it feels right when i see it in front of me.  Chris is coming by to see Syd on Sunday.  I'll get to meet Syd's nephew, Mr. London, who apparently just got his first tooth.  so, the tradeoff is i have no problem with having people that i know in my space.  i have been blessed, and you don't just share blessings with the people you like; you share them with the people who need them, right?
i also talked to my friend Patrice last night.  we'd not been speaking for a bit.  i needed her to understand what the deal was, because of the blessing also.  sometimes i get to the point where i don't want to have to explain why i'm reaching out to someone.  Patrice has had a history of isolating.  i was one of the few people who would not just allow her to be away from everything without reaching in.  she lives in a city of sociopathic narcissist called recovering people.  i've gone to her home, witnessed the level of neglect she was living in while dressing up her depression in a bright smile and insane eyes no one else seemed to recognize, and i determined that my pre-judgement of her, based on the rumours that had abounded about her, were not reason enough for me to not know her.  and once i got to know her, i found a woman who was amazingly bright, creative, had a heart of huge giving capacity, lonely in crippling degrees, severely depressed and amazingly neglected despite all the giving she'd done with the Columbus fellowship.  she became one of my best friends.  and she would take her mental sabbaticals and i would just keep the line out in the water for her to grab when she got tired of holding her breath.  but she's had trouble doing the same for me.  and it's gotten worse as we've gotten older.  she's going to be 60 in September, and I know she's in a tightly controlled tailspin.  but i have gone through things, and i've reached out, and i get no answer when i call, and i get no callback when i know her cell phone has caller ID like mine does, and i finally felt, fuck it.  i am dealing with things, pretty much by myself since reaching out does no good, and so i guess i'll just not reach out.  and that's what i did.  and she reached for the line and it wasn't there.  and she checked in and i told her that i wasn't mad at her, as she thought i was.  i told her that i was dealing with stuff, i was going through some changes, and since i couldn't get her or anyone else (dramatizing) to respond, and i had to deal with them by myself, then i would do that.  after a few days i got a text asking if i was still dealing with stuff and i told her i was working on it.  i texted her yesterday and told her to call me, and she did, and i laid it out for her.  not mad, thankful for her friendship and in need of her friendship, but in need of an active friendship that went both ways.  it made her feel bad, but that wasn't my intention and it's not really my concern.  i didn't ask her to change.  i just pointed out that i've tried to be an available friend to her, that i've lost a lot of people over the years and have honestly, after searching my spirit, not found anything i've done wrong.  it's like caring for people drives them away now.  a truly twisted world.  but i''m going to go and visit her soon, hang out, maybe for my birthday.  and we'll see.  but we're still friends.

today i've prayed, i've got my book open to write today, i've got insulin to take and meds, i've had coffee and i'm about to have another cup.  it was freezing when i woke up as i had windows open to air things out on the warm day yesterday and now it feels like its going to snow.  but i don't care.  i am blessed.  i am relatively happy, and life is going well.  i can't ask for anything more and i don't.  i have no plans except cleaning and maybe washing clothes today.  so i'm going to write more in this later, and i hope that the day is as peaceful as it seems to be.  later.

Point of interest.  March 17th was ten years that i've been seeing VF as my therapist, counselor and, i'm honored to be able to say, friend.  if it were not for her intelligence, compassion and caring, as well as her emotional openness, i doubt seriously if i would have the courage to be on this journey and in this orbit at this time.  So this date, of this entry, is dedicated to her.  Mazel Tov!