today was a pretty good day. i started it slow because i had the interview and didn't want to overload before that. I prayed, saw Syd off, had eggs for breakfast, took insulin and medicine and got into the tub. after the tub, i was cutting it close so i cleaned off the car and went to counseling. it was a good session, but it accentuated a lot of things that i've merged into my top personality, which is to say, toti has nothing to do with the way i'm processing some things lately. the selfishness of my 'nobody is there for me, as well as the self-destructive implication that it brings, in opening the door to my harmful thinking. my addiction is at its strongest when it has me as an accomplice. doing the things i had to do today, i worked on editing Old Lazarus throughout, and was able to get it all done. i have to do another run through on it, just to make sure, but i'm going to put it up for consideration for the campaign this weekend and we'll see how it goes. i'm going to target key people this time, not just randomly sending out tags but people who are plugged in, who network well, who won't mind stumping for me, and then i'm going to pay for facebook ads for the first week and the last week of the campaign just to increase my reach. utilizing the networks of people in the community as well, i'm sure i can get the required votes, but in the end, it's in Jehovah's hands this time same as last time. i'm going to do the footwork and leave the power stuff to the One with the power.
anyway, i came home from counseling, got into my clothes and made my way to the interview. the guy i met with was a nice guy, an old hippie type, and he was informative, inquisitive and very analytical. i could see a lot of people sleeping on him, not seeing the intelligence that his peaceful demeanor hides. there are others who have to be contacted, of course, but all in all, i feel good about my chances. i came home again, edited some more, went to drop off book at the library and picked up Lonnie for lunch. came home, finished the first edit, saw Syd in and out again, her MO at this time, and i just finished a burger and come cabbage for dinner.
i am not on track completely, i can't lie. but i am awake, i am aware and i am nervous about a lot of things. i know things are going better than they had been. i know my ability to self-sabotage, to destructively eat, or food-fiend. i know that i'm scared of the brightness a truly successful future could bring about. but i know i want something different for my last days, weeks, years, however long i have left. i'm tired of being this Tim. I want to be a Tim that has options and makes good decisions, that can work things out and help in his own best interests the majority of the time. i know those aren't exactly tangible goals, but i don't want material things. Except a car. i want a new car. but other than that? my child is doing better, and better is relative. my writing is stronger, doors are opening for me as far as employment goes, and the future is not some murky destination on the other side of a seemingly eternal fog bank. so, scared or not, we're going to keep flying this thing. Kirk out.
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